She sat in the corner booth with her two female co-workers, studying the menu and sipping her drink slowly. They hadn't eaten all day and liquor on an empty stomach was never a good idea. Having finally decided on her order she dropped the menu to the table and looked out over the restaurant hoping their server was close by. She spotted him being seated on the other side of the room and quickly swallowed the large lump that instantly formed in her throat. JJ noticed the change in Emily's expression and followed her gaze across the restaurant.
"She's pretty cute huh?" JJ said.
"Who's pretty cute? Oh, look, boss man's on a date. It's about time." Penelope chirped happily.
"Do you know who she is JJ?" Emily asked.
"Her name is Kim and she's a paralegal and he really seems to like her." JJ said.
"How is it you know this?" Emily asked.
"Will and I set them up about a month ago. Will does PI work for the law firm she works for and they're friends. There was this big party and she needed an escort, an escort that knew how to handle himself at a black-tie event and who could also hold his own in a room full of lawyers. Believe me, no one was more shocked than me when Hotch agreed to do it." JJ said.
"So they've been dating for a month and you didn't tell us?" Penelope asked in a disappointed tone.
"Come on Pen, I don't gossip, especially about Hotch." JJ said.
"Maybe not, but you said he really seems to like her so you have to at least tell us how you know that. Does he talk to you about his sex life?" Penelope asked.
"God no! Come on you guys, don't do this to me. It's Hotch and he would never gossip about any of us so don't you think we should show him the same respect?" JJ argued.
"Okay, but will you just tell us why you seem to think he really likes her because I want to get excited and start planning a wedding and stuff." Penelope said.
"Whoa, slow down. I didn't say he was in love with her. Kim and I talked and she said that he makes a point to plan something with her at least once a week and last week when we got called away he sent flowers to apologize and made a date with her tonight." JJ explained.
"You knew Hotch was coming here with a date tonight?" Emily asked her tone accusatory and annoyed.
"No, of course not. What's the matter with you? Is it really that big of deal to share the same restaurant with Hotch?" JJ asked.
"No, it's just kind of weird. I'm sorry. I'm starving and it's making me cranky. Where's that appetizer?" Emily grumbled.
"Here, eat a breadstick. Come on Jayje, details. If Kim talks to you then she must've shared the good stuff? Does she like him? Is he a good kisser? Is he a god between the sheets?" Penelope pushed.
"Pen!" JJ choked on her drink.
"What? You two act like you don't want to know those things, but you know you think about it just like I do." Penelope accused.
Emily was quiet, deep in thought and not the least bit curious about those things because she knew the answer to all of those questions and the thought of him doing those things with another woman made her heart hurt. Six weeks ago she had pushed him away, never believing for a moment that he'd stay away, but learning quickly that Aaron Hotchner wasn't a man who played games. If what he had to offer wasn't enough for her, if she wanted more than he was willing to give at that point in the relationship and he was making her unhappy then he'd walk away like she requested and allow her the opportunity to find what she wanted with someone else. She couldn't believe he didn't fight for her, that he didn't ask for another chance. He'd just done as she requested and left her alone and she never had a bigger regret in her life than the night she'd given him an ultimatum in a fit of emotional stupidity and he took her seriously. Didn't he understand that she didn't mean it, that she was only frustrated, that she loved him so much it hurt and that she didn't really want to break up with him?
Apparently he didn't understand any of those things and to his credit he never treated her any differently after the break up. The fact that they'd managed to have a steamy love affair for over three months and have an ugly break-up and not one person on the team suspected a thing either showed how good they were at masking their true feelings or it showed how incredibly fucked up both of them really were, she wasn't sure which.
"Don't you agree Em?" JJ asked.
"Hmm…what, I'm sorry, I guess my mind wandered, agree about what?" Emily asked.
"That Hotch is meant to be somebody's husband." JJ said.
"I don't know Jayje. Is it really right to label people and put them in boxes like that? Would you like it if the guys were sitting around and suggesting that you were meant to be somebody's wife?" Emily asked.
"I wouldn't care, but that's what they say about you, not me. I think maybe I'm sad that I don't seem like I'm the marrying kind." Penelope said.
"They do not say that about me. Do they?" Emily asked.
"According to Will, out of all of us, the guys seem to think that you would make the best wife." JJ said.
"Do the guys know that Will is sharing all of their secrets with you?" Emily asked.
"Probably not, oh hey, I've got new pictures of Henry, who wants to see?" JJ asked.
"Me! Me!" Penelope screeched and moved closer to JJ while Emily let her gaze wander back over to the couple sitting on the other side of the restaurant as her mind went back to the last night they'd spent together.
She'd come to his room the night before which was something they'd both agreed they'd never do, but it had been an exhausting day and drinks with the rest of them hadn't sounded appealing to her, not as appealing as having the whole floor of the hotel alone with the man she craved every waking moment of the day. When he opened the door he looked out into the hallway before stepping back and allowing her to enter the room. She immediately wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a deep, passionate kiss. After a minute or so he regained his senses and pulled away from her.
"Emily, I know it's been a long, difficult day and there's nothing I'd love more than to just cuddle up with you and forget about everything, but we can't. We talked about this." He warned, his tone regretful.
"They're all at the pub across the street. No one will know." She told him in a seductive tone, seeing the want and the need in his eyes and doing her best to try to take advantage of it.
"I'd know and when I go to Strauss and tell her we've been in a relationship for six months and that we haven't let it affect our jobs and haven't shared a room on the road I don't want to have to lie." He told her.
"I don't think I can take three more months of this Aaron. I really just want to be with you right now and I hate that we can't be together whenever we want to be." She grumbled.
"I know, I want to be with you too, but trust me on this Emily, it's the best way to handle Strauss. Now, please, go back to your room and enjoy a nice bubble bath or something and I'll make this up to you tomorrow night, I promise." He coaxed, not sure he could continue to deny her if she continued to push the issue.
She walked away defeated and unhappy with him, but he held true to his promise to make it up to her the following night. He showed up at her apartment with flowers and wine and Italian food and later when they made love, it was if he couldn't get enough of her. He'd made her feel so special and so loved that for the first time in her life she cried during sex. He immediately stopped his thrusts, concerned that he'd done something to hurt her and looked into her eyes with so much love and concern when he asked if she was okay that she was pretty sure her heart burst into a million pieces. She was so in love and she wanted more and she wanted it now so when they were done and after about 30 minutes of post coital cuddling she began the conversation that would end with him walking out the door and out of her life, romantically anyway. They still saw each other every day.
"Emily!" Penelope said loudly.
"What? I'm sorry you guys, I guess I'm really not in the mood for girl talk tonight." Emily said.
"That's fine, but this young man here would really like to know what you want to eat." Penelope giggled.
Emily told the server what she wanted and spent the next few minutes trying to stay engrossed in whatever her two friends were talking about, but her eyes always ended up drifting back over to where Hotch sat with his date and eventually her mind drifted back to that fateful night.
"Aaron, I can't do this anymore. I need more." She said.
"More? Can you be more specific?" He asked.
"I hate that you hide me from Jack like I'm some awful, dirty secret." She said.
"Emily, I don't hide you from Jack and I'm certainly not ashamed of you. I love you and I look forward to the day when the two of you can spend time together, but now isn't the time. I can't allow my son to get attached unless I know for sure you're not going anywhere. Until you and I are sure about this and are ready to make a commitment to each other I can't allow Jack to be a part of this. Please tell me you understand." Hotch said as he moved his fingers up and down her bare back.
"I do, I understand you want to protect him, but we could spend so much more time together if I weren't banned from your place." She said.
"Please don't say it like that because it's not like that. Emily, he's so young and he's lost so much that it would be irresponsible of me to bring someone into his life who he's going to fall in love with immediately without knowing for sure that you're not going leave." He pleaded with her.
"You're right, but how will we ever know for sure?" She asked.
"We won't be asking questions like how will we ever know for sure, we'll just know." He said.
"Can we at least come clean with the team and Strauss so we can be together on the road?" She asked.
"We agreed that if we're still going strong in six months I'll talk to Strauss, but I'm not willing to jeopardize both of our careers if this thing between us isn't going to be long lasting." He said.
"Why six months, what's going to be different about us in three more months?" She asked.
"Hopefully by the time we get to the six month point in this relationship you won't need to ask that question anymore. Emily, I know us being secretive is difficult, but it'll be worth it in the long run, I promise." He said and hugged her closer to him.
She pulled out of his embrace and sat up. She looked down at him, suddenly angry and unwilling to play his waiting game any longer.
"No Aaron! I've had enough. I feel like your whore instead of your girlfriend." She said and he sat up, his eyes angry.
"I do not treat you like my whore Emily." He said firmly and for the first time since they started this affair his facial features resembling those of the Unit Chief instead of the sweet, caring and sometimes silly man she'd grown to love very quickly.
"Don't you go all Unit Chief on me Hotch!" She spat angrily.
"Then don't you go all Agent Prentiss on me." He replied firmly, but quietly, refusing to get into screaming match with her.
They sat quietly for a few minutes, him trying to select his next words carefully and her, unbeknownst to him, simmering and getting ready to deliver the final blow.
"Emily, we've talked about this at length and we both agreed to keep this quiet until we reached the six month mark and then we'd talk and decide how we wanted to go forward. We're not even four months in yet. Are things really so awful?" He asked.
"Four months, six months, what difference does it make? The bottom line is that you aren't willing to give up your job for me." She said.
"Where did that come from?" He asked.
"Just come clean Hotch. Would you choose me or your job?" She asked.
"What would you choose Emily?" He asked.
She didn't answer him.
"See, that right there is why we need to give this more time. Plus, if we manage to go six months without it affecting our work or the rest of the team, Strauss is likely to be willing to look the other way and our jobs won't be an issue as long as you aren't reporting directly to me any longer." He told her.
"What if I said, we're going into Strauss in the morning?" She asked.
"I'd say it's a very bad idea and will result in one of us getting reassigned and I can't stop you, but I won't do it." He said.
"Then get out." She said.
"What?" He asked.
"You heard me, I said get out and don't come back until you're ready to introduce me to Jack and let the team and Strauss know we're a couple." She said.
"Emily, I don't do ultimatums. This relationship can't progress to the point where I'm comfortable with letting my son in if I can't see you so if I walk out that door you do realize it's for good don't you. Is that what you really want? Because if it is just say so and I'll be gone." He said.
"Get out." She said sternly and left the bedroom, locking herself in the bathroom so she wouldn't have to watch him get dressed and leave.
That was six weeks ago and he'd made no effort to get back into her life. When he said he didn't do ultimatums he'd meant it. She'd made a deal with him in the beginning and she didn't hold up her end of the bargain. What right did she have to demand he tell his child anything and what right did she have to demand he put his job in jeopardy when she hadn't muttered a single "I love you" to him. He had no idea where their relationship was going and he was right not to involve his child in something that could potentially hurt him. She'd gotten so caught up in the emotion of that night and in some twisted way was trying to force a commitment from him when she wasn't even willing to commit herself. She'd sent away the kindest, most decent man she'd ever had the pleasure of knowing so intimately and now some mousy little blonde had made him forget all about her.
"Wait, he's been dating her for a month? He only waited two weeks after walking out on me before he got back into the game?" Emily thought to herself as the sadness she was feeling suddenly became something that almost resembled rage.
"Em, are you okay?" JJ asked.
"Yes, excuse me. There's something I need to do." Emily said as she slid out of the booth and began walking toward Hotch and his date.
Emily approached their table with all the confidence the strong drink on an empty stomach had given her. She stopped beside the table and then cleared her throat to get their attention. Hotch looked up and a look of shock covered his face.
"Emily, what are you doing here?" He asked.
"I'm having dinner with JJ and Penelope. Can I talk to you outside for minute?" She asked.
"Can it wait until tomorrow? I'm kind of in the middle of something here." He said.
"No, I don't think this can wait. Please." She said.
"Go ahead Aaron. I'm just going to go to the ladies room and freshen up." Kim told him and scooted away from the table.
Kim stood behind the large pillar in the restaurant and watched Emily and Hotch exit the restaurant. She then made her way over to the table where JJ and Penelope were sitting and took a seat beside them.
"Do you think it worked?" Kim asked.
"Oh definitely. She was so jealous she couldn't focus on anything but the two of you." Penelope said excitedly.
"Hotch isn't going to be happy with me so I hope this works guys." JJ said.
Hotch followed Emily through the lobby, outside and to the side of the building where it was quiet.
"What's going on Emily?" He asked.
"What's going on? Really Aaron? Mr. "I need to wait until I'm sure we're committed" waited two whole weeks before he ran out and got a new girlfriend!" Emily said so angrily she was almost screeching.
"What are you talking about? I don't have a girlfriend." Hotch said.
"Oh please, JJ told me you've been seeing that Kim girl you're with for a month. She said you even sent her flowers when you had to break a date last week." Emily said and became even more agitated when she noticed the slight smirk on his face.
"This is funny?" She yelled.
"Em, calm down." He said, placing two gentle hands on her upper arms.
"Don't call me Em, and don't tell me to calm down. How could you?" She asked, no longer angry just hurt.
"Emily I didn't. We've been set up. I never met that woman before tonight and I use the term woman lightly since she's just barely in her twenties. Do you really think I'd date someone so young?" He asked.
"I don't understand." Emily said.
"JJ and Penelope set us up. That girl is a friend of JJ and Will's. She's a paralegal who is applying to law school and JJ asked if I'd meet with her and give a letter of recommendation if I liked what I heard from her. They are so going to pay for this." Hotch said.
"I never told them about us. Did you?" Emily asked.
"No, but I guess they figured it out and are trying to get us back together." Hotch said.
"I guess they didn't get the memo." Emily huffed, feeling angry and sad again.
"What memo?" Hotch asked.
"The one that says you aren't interested in getting back together." Emily accused.
"I never wanted to break up." He said.
"You could've fooled me. You just left and never looked back." She said sadly as a traitorous tear slipped down her cheek.
"I left because you told me to." He said softly and used his thumb to gently swipe away the tear.
"And it never occurred to you to try to patch things up?" She asked.
"I told you Emily. I don't do ultimatums. I was happy with the arrangement we had, with what we both agreed on. You were the one who wasn't happy so in my mind it was up to you to try to patch things up. You watched my marriage break up Emily, did you really think that you threatening to end us if I didn't give into your demands was going to work? Do you really want a relationship like that?" He asked, his tone even and calm even though his eyes betrayed him and showed the hurt she'd caused was still fresh.
"Well, I certainly don't want a relationship where there is no room for compromise." She said.
"I'm sorry, did I miss the part of your emotional rant that night that included room for compromise? It sounded to me like it was either give you exactly what you wanted or get out. You didn't want to commit, but you wanted all of the things that go along with a committed relationship. You blew us up Emily and you somehow want to make this my fault?" He asked becoming somewhat flustered with her.
"So you're suggesting that if I'd come in the next day and asked you come back you would have?" She asked.
"I would've been willing to talk about it Emily, to see if we could've come to some sort of arrangement that would've left you feeling less unhappy." He admitted.
"You would've, but you're not interested now." She stated, because it was obvious that it wasn't a question. He was done and no longer interested in going back.
He could see the tears pooling in her eyes and pulled her into his chest before he was forced to watch them fall. He hugged her tightly and kissed the side of her head tenderly.
"I love you Em, and I always will, but I'm not what you want or need and I never will be. It's probably for the best that you ended things. You deserve someone that makes you fall head over heels in love and someone that can make you the primary focus in his life. I'm jealous of that guy, whoever he is, but I'll be happy for you when you find him." He spoke softly to her.
She pulled back and looked up at him. His eyes were so soft and filled with so much pain and she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that she was head over heels in love with him and that she didn't need to have his attention 24/7 in order to be happy, but she could see the damage she'd done not only to him, but to them and believed that they could never go back and recapture what they had before she messed everything up so with a heart full of regret she made the decision to let him go and pulled out of his embrace.
"I'm sorry I interrupted your dinner." She said.
"It's fine and I'll talk to JJ and Garcia about this in the morning." He said.
"No, don't do that. They meant well." She said.
"I know and I wasn't planning on reprimanding them, but they need to know that we're moving on and they need to respect that and do the same." He told her.
"Okay, well, I guess we should go back in now." She said, just as her cell phone began ringing.
He stopped and waited, ever the gentleman.
"Go ahead, I'm going to take this." She said as she put her phone up to her ear and watched him disappear back inside the restaurant thinking that if this were a movie she'd call out at the last minute and stop him and they'd kiss and have their happy ending, but this wasn't a movie and there wasn't going to be any happily ever after, not for her and not with him.
