A/N: This fic is for those who crave....heart-wrenching stories filled with drama, angst and tragedy. Yes, I know you are out there. Just remember that I am the Queen of the Happy Ending.

A big, big THANK YOU to The Confused One for her encouragement and help with this story.

The first section of this story starts in the present. How he got into this situation is told to you by Bobby. My first attempt at first person.

Descent into Hell

September 2007

Once again the old, beaten, and battered couch served as my bed last night. The run down apartment building that I now call home sits in a part of the city that the NYPD hates to venture, me included once upon a time. My new acquaintances and roommates, Jake and Ashley are lying on the floor. I step over them as they never made it to their bedroom either.

On my way to the bathroom I light a cigarette, coughing constantly with each step I take and each drag. I need the security of the wall to steady myself as I stand next to the bowl. I place my hand on the wall to brace myself, my body is tired and I am as beaten and battered as that old couch. The cigarette dangles in my mouth as I watch the stream flow into the bowl, wondering if that is the last of the beer that I drank yesterday, for my lunch and dinner. I drop the cigarette into the water then lower the lid.

Personal hygiene has been non existent in my life for months now. The only thought now is of the warm and soothing feeling that my body is craving. I lower myself onto the seat and sit down. I can prepare the syringe, with my eyes closed. Being shirtless I can avoid one step. I wrap the tube around my arm, veins are still easy for me to find. The syringe drops to the floor as I sit back on the only seat in the room while the drug courses through my body.

Soon after I am in the kitchen searching for a morsel of food, nothing much to speak of. I turn toward the so-called living room when I hear a groan, Ashley is stirring. I abandon the kitchen and stand in the middle of the room, watching as the skinny, bra less twenty-seven year old sits up. She stretches and her breasts expand. Exciting to me? No, not anymore, the drugs have made my desire for sex non-existent. She was very attractive before drugs took over her life, much like me, so I've been told and twenty-eight year old Jake. She mirrors my movements exactly, soon after she too shuffles into the kitchen looking for a nibble.

Ashley finds me sitting at the cracked, scratched topped and wobbly table that sits in the corner of the little kitchen. I hold up a piece of chocolate, our breakfast.

March 2006

I obsessively washed my blood soaked shirt, it was her blood that stained my shirt, four times so far. The thought of throwing it away has not even entered my mind. Remove the blood and it will remove the event, reality tells me that it is not possible but as I toss it into the machine again, my hope is that when the stain is removed she will be alive.

She never made it out of the building, she died in my arms. She spoke to me as I held her body close to mine, "Get that bastard, Bobby," I managed a slight smile. "Don't let him hurt any one else." She raised her tiny hand and placed it around my neck. I tried to answer her but all the moisture from my mouth was now in my eyes, I could only nod. "Behave yourself," her body shuttered, "Promise me," she said with her last breath. She gave me a warm beautiful smile before her body went limp. I can still see her face, even in my fucked up state, her sweet, sweet face. She looked just like a little girl.

I haven't found him, Louis Fulton has by all accounts disappeared, vanished....no one, not even his close associates know where he is, so they say.

Her parents, her siblings, Deakins, and even the brass did not find me at fault for Alex's passing. I however have put all the blame on my shoulders, my only motivation, soon after her death, for getting up in the morning was to do what she asked, to find Louis Fulton.

May 2006

The closest I came to finding that man, man? That's a laugh, he's just a slimy, slug of a human being. Was when I got word that Fulton was seen entering the apartment building where Zack Miller, Fulton's long time friend resides. I confronted Miller and he denied having seen Fulton for months. My mannerisms were confrontational but I never lifted a hand to Miller, he started the physical altercation. He picked up a small wooden chair from the kitchen and swung it a few times before it landed on my back. I fell to the floor immediately. Miller panicked for a moment but he did the right thing, he called 911. When the cops arrived at the apartment, the door was open, Miller was gone but I was still there on the floor not wanting to moan, but the pain was excruciating. I managed to show my shield and they were a bit surprised, until they found out who I was and why I was there. They were as pissed off as I that Fulton was still roaming the streets.

To evaluate the degree of my injury a MRI was preformed. A fractured vertebra was detected, and I was sent to surgery immediately. The Doctor informed me that he will have to fuse it to the vertebrae next to it. During the surgery he will have to search and if he finds any bone chips, they will of course be removed, very carefully. Fragments left behind can and will cause damage to the spinal cord, over time.

When I woke up the next morning lying flat on my back in my hospital bed, I was wearing a back brace that the Doctor informed me would be part of my wardrobe for the next six weeks. He prescribed percodan which is a potent compound painkiller used to treat moderate and acute pain. Percodan contains aspirin and oxycodone a potent opioid agonist.

August 2006

Yes, I had back pain and yes, the percodan relieved it for awhile, at least until my prescription would no longer be refilled. I needed some relief for this pain. The pain that I was sure was in my back but pain riddled through my entire body. I was not amazed or slightly surprised how easy it was to score any sort of drug. My days in narcotics may have closed down a few dealers, but once one is gone another always takes his place. Pot and alcohol soon became my choice for relieving the pain. I was able to function and was able to keep myself on an even keel. Yes, I was a functioning addict, for awhile.

October 2006

Friday evening starts, just like the previous months of Fridays, with a drink at any bar I venture into. Monday morning I raise my body slowly out of my bed, wondering when I got home and amazed that I did. Thankful that this morning, my bed is not shared with a name-less female.

I shuffle to the kitchen and with one eye closed so I can focus I am able to prepare a cup of coffee, no milk or sugar, just a shot of whiskey. "Need something to wake me up," I say aloud. Yes I am becoming very prevalent with excuses for my behavior. As I down my cup of coffee I return to the kitchen to prepare another one then I can take my shower, get dressed and go to work.

I hadn't noticed the message light blinking on my phone. I frown wondering how long it has been blinking. Sipping my second cup of coffee I press on the message button, more than one is left. The first one is from Doctor Adams, one of the physicians at Carmel Ridge. For the past few weeks my mother has been experiencing, fevers, night sweats and weight loss, even though her appetite has remained the same, not that she was ever a big eater. Many tests have been preformed to diagnose what may be wrong. Doctor Adams has called to tell me that they have found the problem. I give the man credit for not blurting it out over the phone, he wants me to call him as soon as possible, that was three days ago. I'll need another cup of coffee for this conversation.

Lymphoma, I repeated the word. She is a fighter but at her age the chances for surviving more than 18 months is rare. Hope, yes there is always hope. The third and last cup of coffee is finished, I take my shower and prepare for my day.

January 2007

I turned my back on my older brother when he started using drugs. Meeting him that night at Murphy's bar, was a surprise. We spent most of the night trying to out drink one another.

"What about her?" Frank asks as he points to a brunette.

I stared at the girl for a moment, then turned my body forward, "If you want to wake up in the morning with VD, sure."

Frank laughs as he gestures for the bartender to refill his beer and shot of whiskey. "Ah maybe tonight is not the night." He waits and watches the bartender refill his glasses. He downs the whiskey then takes a sip of beer. "How is your back? You don't seem to be in pain anymore."

"My back?" I asked in surprise, and then it hits me, "Mom told you, when did you see Mom?"

"About two weeks ago, she told me what happened and that...."

I grabbed his arm, "And what?"

"She's worried about you."

"You mean she's upset that I haven't been there." Frank doesn't answer.

Though the whiskey burned my throat, cheap whiskey, I finished my fourth shot and asked for a refill. Was it just the mention of my back that caused the aching sensation that I was now feeling? The whiskey should have me numb by now, but it didn't. I needed something more to get me through the night. I didn't hesitate to ask Frank for a connection; after all I was in his part of town. I couldn't and wouldn't wait, I needed something now. Though he hesitated for a minute he complied and gave me a name.

"You can usually find Roscoe....hell." Frank downs the shot of whiskey, chugs the mug-full of beer then slaps a twenty on the bar next to mine, "Come on I'll take you.

Roscoe, yes the man who would be my salvation, so I thought.

Trying to find the memory in my brain of the first time that I pointed that needle to the vein in my arm is futile, I don't remember. What I do remember is the feeling of euphoria. My God this is it, this is the sensation that I have been searching for....my entire life. I needed and wanted to feel this way forever. My hands and feet felt heavy but that didn't bother me, I was in no hurry to go anywhere. My judgment was clouded, I didn't care. I didn't want to think about my life anyway. But the surreal experience was the icing on the cake.

….More to Come....

….SOON....