Title: With You Is Where My Heart Belongs

Synopsis: The New Year is fast approaching. Jackson can't stop thinking about Aaron, but he knew he was right to lie to the eighteen year old all those weeks ago. But Aaron isn't coping either. Will they both be able to move on? Will 2011 be better than 2010?

Chapter 1: Goodbye 2010


~25th December 2010~
-Jackson's Home-

'Merry Christmas,' Hazel said joyfully to her son as she entered the living room of their two bedroom cottage, but he didn't answer her or even remotely share her enthusiasm.

Jackson was sitting on the sofa, his mobile phone in one hand and a can of beer in the other. Hazel fought back the threat of tears as she looked at how sad and depressed Jackson had become. She couldn't let her son see how much his situation upset her. Hide behind a brave face, that was Hazel's motto. Jackson was a far cry from the same person she knew six months ago, who was constantly texting her when she was living in Jamaica, saying how happy he was and that he'd met someone amazing.

'Bit early for that,' she said, sitting herself down next to Jackson and tapping the side of his beer can lightly.

"Don't start," Jackson replied before taking another long gulp. It was already his third can since he woke up an hour and a half ago, not that he would be telling his mum that. It wasn't worth the grief he'd receive.

'Do you want to open your present?'

'Maybe later,' Jackson replied.

'Right. Well Bob's coming over for a bit this afternoon; I thought we could play Monopoly or something.'

'Wooo exciting,' Jackson mocked.

'Ok, you're clearly not in the mood to talk. I better get the turkey in the oven then.'

Hazel left Jackson alone and went into the kitchen. He took another gulp of his beer and then looked at his mobile. He couldn't stop staring at the text message he'd received at 00:53 this morning. He wasn't sure whether he was pleased to hear from him or if it just made him feel even more depressed than ever. He also couldn't decide whether to reply or not.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS. Aaron xxx

Jackson scrolled through his mobile looking for his favourite photo of Aaron. It was taken during their holiday in Lanzarote four months ago. Aaron was standing by the hotel pool, with no top on and a beer in his hand. He had a big grin on his face and in the past it never failed to make Jackson smile. But not now, instead of a smile it brought a lump to Jackson's throat. He ran a thumb over the screen, sighing as he did so.

'Call him.'

Jackson jumped out of his skin, his mobile falling out of his hand and down onto the carpet by his feet. Luckily it wasn't his beer that went flying. He turned to see Hazel looking over his shoulder from behind the sofa.

'Mum d'you mind?' he said with a frown.

'I don't know why you're being so stubborn. You're clearly still besotted by him.'

'I don't wanna talk about this.'

'No you just wanna stare at his photo instead. Jackson you can't pretend with me, I can read you like a book.'

'He left me remember?' Jackson tried to reason with his mother.

'Yeah because you lied to him,' Hazel retorted.

'So, he still left didn't he? What does that tell you about him?'

'That he was a normal eighteen year old lad, scared and overwhelmed by everything.'

'If he- If he'd felt anything for me, he wouldn't have left,' Jackson said quietly and thoughtfully. 'Now can we please stop talking about it please?'

'Sure,' Hazel conceded. There was no use pushing the subject anymore, she could tell Jackson was getting upset by it. But she wasn't going to give up on the subject altogether. Sometimes she knew her son better than he knew himself.

'Mum, can you pass me my phone please?'

Hazel picked the mobile up from the carpet and handed it to Jackson before returning to the kitchen. Jackson hadn't seen Aaron for over two months now and it was killing him. He remembered their last conversation as though it was yesterday, and it still troubled him when trying to sleep at night. It had taken all his courage and broken his heart to lie to Aaron that day, but he had to know, because there were no guarantees at the time, and there still weren't any now. It would have been selfish for him to hang onto Aaron even though that was what he wanted most in the whole world.

He wasn't interested in Christmas presents or playing bloody monopoly with his mum's boyfriend, he just wanted Aaron. The bottom line was that he could be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, and he was going to make sure it only affected his life, nobody else.


~22nd October 2010~
-Hospital-

The test results were back. Doctors had informed Jackson that he was currently paralysed from the neck down, it wasn't temporary, but they gave him a 70% chance of regaining feeling in his upper body and a 40% chance of regaining feeling in his legs. To Jackson that read as a 90% chance out of 200% (nearly half) of never regaining any feeling whatsoever. But he was grateful that it wasn't a full gone conclusion that he would be permanently paralysed for the rest of his life. He needed that hope to cling onto and have something to go on living for.

He struggled with the news though. At first he was shocked and couldn't even find the will to let his emotions out. He'd told the doctors not to tell anyone the results and when his mum and Aaron came in later that day he pretended to be asleep until they left. That night as the hospital quietened down, Jackson began to cry. He was facing the possibility of never moving again, or feeling anything, from the neck down.

It was the following afternoon and Aaron came to see him. His mum had been in already but Jackson hadn't told her anything yet, he wanted to deal with Aaron first.

'Hiya,' Aaron said with a big smile on his face. 'That doctor you fancy is on duty, you not been flirting with him have ya?'

'No,' Jackson smiled.

'Good. So how are ya? I came yesterday but you were well out of it.'

'Yeah sorry, I was tired yesterday. The er- The doctors ran a load of tests.'

'Oh right,' Aaron replied, looking more serious now and worried. His heart quickened as he asked his next question. 'Did they find anything out?'

'Yeah,' Jackson said quietly and he looked downwards, not daring to look Aaron in the eye. 'There's er- Nothing they can do.'

'What?' Aaron gasped.

'I'm- I'm paralysed- From the neck down.'

'No, no, no they must have got it wrong, there must be something they can do,' Aaron said in panic.

'There isn't,' Jackson replied. 'Aaron nobody would blame you for walking away.'

'What are you talking about?' Aaron asked harshly. 'Do you really think I'm that shallow, that I'd be that cruel?'

'You care about me, I know that, but this is a completely different ball game. I'm going to be like this forever. This is it, my life. Do you really want to be a part of that? Dress me, wash me, brush my teeth, shave me, move me, and feed me, every single day.'

'Jackson I-' Aaron sobbed, his eyes brimming with tears. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve. Jackson finally looked up at him, holding back his own emotions as he saw how upset Aaron was. It broke his heart whenever he saw Aaron cry.

'Is that really the life you want for yourself Aaron? Being a full time celibate carer to a cripple?'

'Don't talk like that,' Aaron begged Jackson through his tears, instinctively reaching out to touch his arm but then letting his hand drop to his side.

'Why? It's the truth innit? You need to face the harsh reality Aaron."

Aaron looked up to the ceiling, swallowing hard and struggling to stop the tears. He couldn't look at Jackson, he just couldn't. He was right; he would never, in a million years, last as Jackson's carer and boyfriend. No matter how much he cared for Jackson, to settle for a life like that at eighteen, he wouldn't do it. Not for anyone, it wasn't about Jackson; it was about him and who he was. So was it fair to stick around until the moment it became unbearable? Until he dreaded waking up every morning knowing what awaited him? Did Jackson deserve that?

'I'm sorry,' Aaron whispered, closing his eyes as he said it.

'Don't be,' Jackson replied, his own eyes welling up with tears. 'I'd do the same if it was the other way around.'

Without even looking at Jackson again, Aaron took a deep breath before walking out of the hospital room. He never came back.


~25th December 2010~
-Aaron's Home-

It was gone midnight when Aaron got home. He let himself in quietly, not wanting to wake Paddy up, and went upstairs to his bedroom. He'd spent Christmas Eve at the Barton's house, drinking beer and playing board games. He'd tried to enjoy himself and in a way he did. But always in the back of his mind was the thought of Jackson, and how they should have been spending their first Christmas season together, curled up on the sofa watching films and winding each other up.

Sitting on his bed, Aaron looked at his mobile, debating whether or not to send Jackson a text. He wondered what he was doing right now. Was he sleeping? Was he awake? Did he ever think about him?

Aaron would never forget the last time he saw Jackson; it made him cringe all over just thinking about it. He walked away from him, and he would forever feel ashamed of himself for that. But just because Jackson wasn't his boyfriend anymore it didn't mean his feelings had suddenly stopped. He missed him. That day at the hospital when things had ended, Aaron had gone back to the village, run straight to find Chas and broken down in her arms. For the first time in his life, he wanted his mum and needed her comfort.

Aaron hadn't seen Jackson since, but had seen Hazel once.


~28th October 2010~
-The Village-

Aaron was working at the garage when he spotted Hazel. She arrived in the village with a van to collect her and Jackson's belongings. For a moment Aaron was planning to ignore her but she didn't deserve that after everything that had happened, and in the end he walked over although he felt incredibly nervous.

'Er how's Jackson?' Aaron asked Hazel, who had her back to him. She turned around, but instead of the hard expression he was expecting, it was soft and gentle.

'The same,' Hazel replied. 'He's coming out of hospital next week so I'm getting everything sorted.'

'Oh right. Um, how is he feeling about that?'

'Apprehensive.'

'Do you think I should- Go and see him?' Aaron asked shyly.

'As a friend?'

'Um yeah- I suppose,' Aaron replied, not looking Hazel in the eye.

'I don't think that would be a good idea.'

'No I guess not,' Aaron agreed with a sigh. 'He must really hate me.'

'He doesn't hate you Aaron. But for Jackson to move on he needs to- To fall out of love with you. He can't do that if you're still around.'

'I know, it's just-'

'You miss him?' Hazel asked with a sad smile.

'Yeah.'

'Time is a great healer Aaron. Take care of yourself,' Hazel said, her voice betraying a lot of emotion. She gave Aaron a quick hug and then disappeared into the house. Aaron held back the tears as he slowly walked back to the garage.


~25th December 2010~
-Aaron's Home-

Aaron was pretty tipsy and therefore his brain was telling him that sending Jackson a Christmas text wouldn't do any harm. What was the worst that could happen? Jackson didn't reply? So what. He undressed to his boxers, climbed under his duvet and then sent Jackson a text before closing his eyes and nodding off.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS. Aaron xxx


~1st January 2011~
-Jackson's Home-

HAPPY NEW YEAR. Aaron xxx

Jackson stared at the text, feeling a mixture of happiness and sadness. It was the morning, but the text had arrived just after 1am.

Jackson had never replied to Aaron's Christmas text in the end, he didn't really know what to say. But now that he'd sent another one he thought it would be rude not to reply. Aaron's texts had been bland and to the point, he was under the impression Jackson was paralysed therefore unable to pick his mobile up, let alone access his messages or type out a text by himself. So Jackson made sure the text he sent back looked like something he'd have been prepared to relay to his mum.

Happy New Year. I hope this year won't be so dramatic for you.


~1st January 2011~
-The Woolpack-

'Happy New Year.'

All around him Aaron could hear the cheers as the clock struck midnight and a new year had begun. He glanced around the pub, everyone was either talking, singing, laughing or kissing. He couldn't help thinking that it should have been him and Jackson.

Aaron had woken up on Christmas morning to find no answer to his text to Jackson. He was disappointed but had he really expected a reply? A week later and he was wondering whether it had been a good idea. Maybe Jackson had been angry? But an hour later at 1am when Aaron was staggering back home drunk, his brain once again told him to send Jackson a text before falling asleep.

HAPPY NEW YEAR. Aaron xxx

Aaron woke up at eleven in the morning. He had a headache from hell and knew it would be one of those days when he just snapped at anyone who spoke to him. He needed some painkillers. He picked his mobile up and saw he had a few text messages received, no doubt the usual bunch of Happy New Year texts from friends and family. But it wasn't until he went to his inbox and saw that one of them was from Jackson that he remembered sending the text before going to bed.

His heart pounded as he read the text, all thoughts of his hangover long forgotten. This was the first contact he'd had from Jackson in over two months, even if his mum had to be the one to type the message and send it on his behalf. Aaron smiled a genuine smile for the first time in weeks.

Happy New Year. I hope this year won't be so dramatic for you.


To be continued.

Thank you so much for reading :) If you've got this far please let me know what you thought of the first chapter :)