Birds of A Feather
by Roaming Tigress

Chapter One:
The Christmas Caper





"There isn't a villain in this city of a thousand criminals who has outdone the undoable Darkwing Duck! Sure, there's been a few close calls, but at the end of the day I catch them with their heinous hands inside the cookie jar!" Darkwing proudly proclaimed to a passerby as he tried to push himself through a busy shopping center.

There was something going on that he couldn't see, and he saw a crying child clinging to an upset mother. Something told him this child wasn't just upset over being tired, not getting his way or seeing Santa Claus. Just as he went to speak to the distraught parent, he was distracted by a frantic security guard rushing over to him.

"Darkwing Duck, sir! We've been looking all over for you!" Panted the heavyset Rottweiler-German Shepherd mixed guard, clearing away a group of teenagers blocking his way. In spite of his size and no-nonsense attitude, Chief Rottweil was clumsy, somewhat of a blockhead and often relied on his appearance alone to be taken seriously.

The mallard's jaw dropped in surprise. Surely someone hadn't set him up for something again! At a second look he saw that the guard's hand had been wrapped up in gauze.

"W-well what's the problem this time, Mr. Officer Rotweil?" Darkwing asked with a nervous stammer. The last thing he wanted would to be in jail for Christmas, especially for a crime he did not commit.

"Steelbeak . . . " The guard grumbled, pointing at his hand. "I had him apprehended for terrorizing several small children and as soon as I snapped the handcuffs on him, he bloody well bit me!"

Darkwing muttered incoherently as he slapped himself in the face. It had been the third time in the day that he had to stop in the middle of shopping and see to criminal matters. "Oh . . . Go call animal control and tell them to have him put to sleep!" He shouted, aggressively shoving his face into the dog's. "And tell them to cut his head off and check for rabies!"

"I wish it were that simple!" Officer Rottweil muttered, half-heartedly scanning the crowd for any signs of the renegade rooster or anything else he should be concerned about. The two had grudgingly agreed to split up and perform a thorough search from upper floor to the shopping center's basement.

Steelbeak was watching the guards patrol from an upper floor of the mall and he chuckled. In the time Darkwing and the mall guard had been out looking for him, he had done some shoplifting and stole security equipment for F.O.W.L. He had previous experiences with mall security guards, and laughed at their insufficiency behind their backs. I kin be runnin' around youse gutless geeks in soicles and youse'd still not be able ta catch me!

"Scaring children, eh? " Darkwing scoffed, clicking his tongue scoldingly. "What's next, Steelbeak? Shoving old ladies in freshly cemented sidewalks?"

"Don't give him any ideas, Duck!" Officer Rottweil barked, taking Steelbeak by surprise and handcuffing him roughly.

Yeah, don't gimmie any - - HEY!

"I should 'ave youse charged fer police brutality!" Steelbeak spat, throwing his weight around and attempting to bite the guard again. He dug his heels into the floor as he was being dragged into Security Office but was shoved inside with the help of Darkwing Duck.

"Something tells me you weren't just scaring small children!" He arrogantly calculated, giving an odd dirty look to the incompetent guard. Just how does this guy have the job that he does? I can do the work of twenty of these guys! They're about as bright as the Eggmen!

"What's it matta' to youse what I'm up to?" Steelbeak snidely replied, pulling his head away and snapping each time Chief Rottweil tried to grab hold of his beak. "I can't walk down de street wit'out youse followin' in my footsteps! Is dere anywhere I kin go to get away from youse?"

"Of course it's my business to know what you're up to!" Darkwing scoffed proudly. "Now, you either let me frisk you or I'll drag your tailfeathers into jail my self!"

Steelbeak didn't reply, just groaned. He would sooner get hit with a baton than to be frisked, especially by someone who practically hunted him at every waking moment. Whatever.

"You will need a muzzle before you do that, Duck!" Officer Rottweil suggested, yawning and turning to leave the room. "Now, if you don't mind me, I will be returning home. Take him to jail, do what you want with him, but for god's sakes make sure he won't cause trouble at *my* mall again!"

Your mall? HAH!

"Don't you worry. I know exactly what I'm doing!" Darkwing replied with aggravation, more than a little annoyed at the guard's attitude.

"Unlike you, I'm a proper crimefighter!"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that . . . " The Rottweiler mix scowled at the mallard before leaving. "Mess up one thing in the room and I'll turn you two into kibble!"

"Yeah, yeah . . . " Steelbeak groaned as the guard slammed the door shut. "Get dis friskin' business done quick, Dipwing. I gotta get back to F.O.W.L HQ by midnight!"

"You're not going anywhere, Steelbeak!" Darkwing ordered, circling the rooster and pointing his gas gun at him assertively. He knew whenever the F.O.W.L agent was up to something seemingly benign as frightening small children, there was a motive behind it.

"Look, all I was doin' was tellin' some annoying brat dat dere's no Santa Claus!" Steelbeak hurriedly explained, trying to squirm out of the situation. All he wanted to do was to get his job done and head home for the night. "I don't 'ave any guns, drugs or stolen property on me so let me go dis instant or I'll . . . I'll - - "

"You'll what?" Darkwing jeered. "Run home and cry to mommy because the little duckie-wucky didn't let him terrorize the mally-wally?

"I'll get *really* annoyed!" Steelbeak fumed. "And when I get really annoyed, I go insane!"

"Ooooh like I'm scared!" Darkwing said in mock fright. Without saying another word, he grabbed the powerful metal jaws and held them shut. The last thing he wanted was to tell Gosalyn that he had lost his hand from getting pecked by a mad chicken.

"You're making it all the more difficult for yourself!" Darkwing teased, letting go of his beak after giving it a slight shake. "Now, toss of the jacket and be done with it. It's either that, or back to the frisking."

"I ain't gonna preform a striptease fer youse!" Steelbeak shrieked, quickly looking around for an escape route. When he saw that there was none, aside from the door that Darkwing was standing in front of, he silently accepted defeat. Humiliated and irritated, his posture slumped somewhat and he muttered a few obscenities under his breath.

Darkwing tapped a finger on his lower bill and smiled wryly. "Well, in that case . . .Frisking it is!"

Steelbeak let out a groan and struggled as he felt Darkwing begin prod him about. With the exception of affection, he hated to be touched and kicked out at his captor. He flailed as the quick moving duck jumped aside and him a swift kick to the rear. Man oh man . . . Dis is gonna be one helluva long night. I'll never get back to F.O.W.L HQ by midnight!

"Are youse almost done?" He whined, flinching as he was prodded in the waist. Now I kin understand what de guys on dose cop shows go under when dis 'appens to 'em.

"Barely even started!" Darkwing snapped, tapping a webbed foot in annoyance. "The more you gripe and fidget about, the longer it'll take me!"

As his hands moved a little further, he felt what he thought was a small video camera tucked inside the jacket's pocket. Stolen equipment no doubt! As he reached a hand into his jacket to pull out the presumed thieved article, he could feel the rooster's muscles tense up.

"Ah-HAH! I knew you were hiding something!" Darkwing grinned, pulling out a small, Duckburg-made camcorder that was valued at eight hundred dollars.

"Hey, easy wit' de 'ands!" Steelbeak yelped, pulling away from his touch. Darkwing had found his stolen loot, and he was good as busted now. "Ya know, dere's a time and place fer stuff like dat, but now's not de time!"

"What else do you got in there, a marmoset from the St. Canard zoo?" Darkwing asked nonchalantly.

"Eh, nothin'!" Steelbeak quickly replied, looking down at the short duck with a childlike, innocent expression. He was good at mind games, and thought to give the ol' cute-and-innocent routine a go with Darkwing.

"Now, would I lie to youse? I was only lookin' at dat camcorder an' well, I guess I fuhgot ta put it back?"

"You, innocent? PAH!" Darkwing replied in over dramatic disbelief. "I don't believe it for a second with that criminal record that you have!"

With a glance at his watch, Steelbeak made a frantic dash to the door only to have his nemesis block his path. I gotta get outta 'ere! Dis duck's practically molestin' me and I really don't wanna get on High Command's bad side fer not bringin' back de goods! It's bad enough dat I'm ten minutes late!

"I'm sorry, do you want me to arrange an appointment?" Darkwing asked, again in that teasing tone. He suavely buffed his nails, mocking Steelbeak's mannerisms and unlocked the handcuffs. "You're hiding something, Steelbeak and I'm not lettin' you go until I'm certain your eight hundred and fifty dollar Armani suit isn't home to un-purchased and expensive electronic equipment!"

"Very well . . . " Steelbeak wearily sighed, propping his hands up against the wall.