First Twilight fic...woot! But I can't take all the credit because this is co-authored with my friend LOGI. (Make an account already...I MEAN...HATS OFF TO YA!)

And if this doesn't make sense to you...I'm sorry. Our humor's kind of weird. (Heh...)

Hope you enjoy anyway!

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, the characters, Abercrombie, Victoria's Secret, or America's Next Top Model.


All was peaceful on Christmas Eve in the local Fork's mall. Stockings were hung in the window displays with care, in hopes that the managers wouldn't kick the employee's butts for getting lazy around the holidays. In Victoria's Secret nestled an average looking human girl who was trying to escape the clutches of a peculiar petite vampire.

"Come on, Bella, try this on!"

Bella shrunk away from Alice and the pink ensemble she was holding.

"Never!"

Unfortunately for Bella, Alice was much stronger than her, and it wasn't just because she drank her daily requirements of milk. She pushed a screaming Bella into the dressing room and showered her with more pink garments.

"Get it off me!!! The pink!! Aughhhh! I'm melting…melting!!!! No!!!"


Meanwhile….at Abercrombie…


"Gasp! My Bella senses are tingling!"

Edward dropped the $99.99 cashmere tube top engraved with bold letters "FITCH" on the chest area that he was going to buy for Emmet. He sprinted to the Victoria Secret, in hopes of finding Bella while avoiding the stares he knew he would get whilst entering the store.

But it doesn't seem to work if you're hot.

"Finally! You're here!" The store manager ran up to him. "You were supposed to be ready for the show an hour ago!" she screamed at him.

For once, Edward was befuddled. "But..but…I…"

Ignoring his unnecessary stammering, the woman whisked him off to a changing room and stuffed him into a pair of holiday silk boxers. Before he could object, he was knocked out with her mullet.

The next thing Edward knew, he was being paraded down the mall with angel wings strapped to his back, for the annual Fork's Holiday Parade. He looked around for anyone or anything that could help him get out of his attire (although the wings did make him feel heavenly…) but he found not a friendly face, nor a pair of scissors. Suddenly, he heard his name being called from the back of the group.

"So…you too?" Jasper said, out of breath from trying to catch up with him. "I walked into Express to buy some tank tops for Alice when this lady drugged and forced me onto the runway in this hideous get-up!"

Edward eyed him over. Jasper was decked out in a pink blazer and a flowy skirt that just exceeded past his knees.

Jasper's face crumbled as his eyes met Edward's look of utter disgust. "I know, it is hideous, isn't it?" He started to cry. Edward patted his shoulder awkwardly and kind of half-carried him while trying not to trip on his own eight-inch stilettos.

A woman that appeared to be the non-drag queen version of TyTy Banks met them at the end of the runway. "Hey ya'll. Listen up. There's a great prize for the winner who can really WORK IT on the runway today."

Jasper, in a desperate fit of needing some attention, perked up. "What's the prize?!" he asked frantically.

TyTy just laughed. "Just work it, girl, and then you'll find out."

"I'm a boy."

"Riiiight…."

Suddenly, the ANTM's theme song blared through the speakers. Fortunately, the two boys were avid fans of the show and were put into a fit of model behavior. Edward pushed Jasper off the runway and started to strut his stuff. Jasper fell into the orchestra pit and landed into the tuba player, knocking them both unconscious. Edward then elbowed the little Claire's model and sent her flying across the entire first floor. He eyed TyTy in the audience and tried to "dazzle" her with his golden eyes. She looked shocked and taken aback ….but winked a moment later.

"Hey, that ain't fair, yo!"

The entire audience gasped and turned to the direction of the voice. Coming at them was a very tall, muscular male who appeared to be representing Hollister in his knee-high stockings, platinum Ugg boots, denim micro mini and white string bikini top.

In short, Emmett.

"Emmett!!!" Edward bellowed. "This is MY chance to shine! Back off!"

"No, little bro! I WANNA BE ON TOP!!!!"

This aroused cheers from the audience, who watched in glee as Emmett knocked Edward down with his signature kung fu soy sauce high jive kick. The spotlight landed on his muscular features. Sweat dripped off the edge of his nose as he and Edward battled for their moment of fame. Somewhere during this time, Jasper regained consciousness and jumped on the stage.

"Hey, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LEAVE ME OUT OF THINGS!?!?!" He jumped on Emmett's back, pulling at his hair.

"Hey, that haircut costs more than your soul!"

"I don't have a soul."

"Oh, yeah. Right."

The three vampires wrestled each other until the song came to an end. Each of them ended with his signature poses. Edward had his hand on his hip, his chin jutted forward, and his eyes sparkling. Emmett stood with both hands on his eyes. (His own eyes, not Edward's). Jasper had his legs and arms thrust in the air.

"Who wins?!" Edward asked TyTy Banks.

TyTy looked at her clipboard and back at the boys. "Fork's next top model is…" The intense music started playing and the boys clung together in anticipation. "…Emmett!"

"WOO HOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Emmett was then showered with cotton balls, swabs, and other fluffy toiletres, along with a bouquet of flowers. "Oh, Thank you, thank you!" he shouted to the cheering audience while dabbing at his eyes with a hanky.

"Emmett, does Rosalie know about this?" Edward inquired.

Emmett paused in his steps and threw the flowers to Edward. "Oh crap!" he cried, running off towards the exit.

"Yes, it worked!" He high-fived himself because Jasper was still crying in a corner.
TyTy strolled over to him with a box in her hands. "Congratulations, Edward." She handed the box to him.

"Is it a lifetime supply of Porsches?" Edward asked.

"No."

"A soul?"

"Even better."

Edward frantically tore the box open to reveal...a plate of sushi.

"WHAT!??!?!?!"