Title: If I Didn't Have You
Author: Stephanie
Email: david_duchovny_luver@hotmail.com
Summery: Mulder and Scully devise a plan to prevent the
impending colonization. Scully discovers something she
isn't ready to handle, and her and Mulder have to figure
out what to do about it.
Category: A, MSR
Rating: PG-13 to R (R chapters will be clearly labeled)
Spoilers: Post The Truth fic, but reasonable knowledge of
seasons 8 and 9 is required.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never have been, never will be.
Notes: Like many of you, I am anxiously awaiting the arrival
of the second X-Files movie. So much so that I figured I'd have
a go at writing it myself! Let's hope Chris does a much better job
than I have. Although, I doubt there'll be as much smut in his
version as there is in mine ;) This is a WIP so please be patient,
I have exams coming up.



Roswell, New Mexico
Motel Room
1:35am

It was the sudden flash of lightening followed by the
inevitable roar of thunder that woke me from my peaceful
slumber. I hadn't meant to fall asleep. I had every intention
of making slow, sweet love to Mulder as I'd promised I
would after our little quickie in the back seat of the SUV.
How many nights had I laid awake in my suddenly too
large of a bed, recalling the feel of his arms around me.
The feel of him thrusting so far inside of me I could
hardly tell where I ended and he began. I certainly
never thought it would be like this.

In my fantasies, our reunion didn't take place in a
military brig with a guard standing watch. Skinner wasn't
there either. In my dreams, it was just me, Mulder, and a
night filled with anything but sleep. William was there too
of course, sleeping soundly in his crib dreaming little boy
dreams, unaware that his daddy was home safe and sound.
He would know in the morning, just before dawn, when
he'd open his big blue eyes and see his daddy's hazel ones
staring down at him. That moment I would cherish forever.
Father and son together again. Too bad that moment will
never happen. Not anytime soon.

He never forgave me, and somewhere deep inside I
fear he never truly will. He'd said he understood that I'd had
no choice, and that he'd missed the both of us so much. But
he never said the words I'd longed to hear, the words that
would bring some comfort to my aching heart. Forgiveness
would not be granted yet. It was too soon, the pain too fresh.
He'd offered me his acceptance, and for that I was grateful.
Forgiveness would come later, when the pain subsided.

Not liking where my thoughts were headed, I decided
to just concentrate on the feel of once again being held in the
arms of the man I loved. A place I thought I'd never be again.
He too had fallen asleep. The stress of the past few days finally
catching up with him. He always seemed so full of energy, but
it was evident from the bags under his eyes that he hadn't slept
much lately. I wonder whether the way he's sleeping so soundly
now has anything to do with my presence? I didn't sleep well
during our separation either. At first I blamed it on William
and his 3am feedings. But soon he began to sleep through the
night like the good little boy that he was, and I was left with no
excuse for my constant sleepless nights. I gathered that my
ongoing bout with insomnia had to do with that fact the it was
at night when Mulder's absence became most evident, most
painful. During the day I could concentrate fully on my work.
The mundane task of 'slicing and dicing' as Mulder called it,
was a great way of taking my mind off things. When I arrived
home in the evenings, I could focus on taking care of William
and his needs. All the while desperately trying not to notice
just how much he was beginning to look like his daddy.

It was in the dead of night that Mulder's absence
weighed heavily on my senses. We'd only been together a few
months before he was taken from me, but I had already
become accustom to his presence in my bed, and in my body.
Hardly a night had gone by during our brief time together when
we hadn't returned home from work and found solace in each
others bodies. Both of us silently agreeing that we needed to
make up for lost time. The phrase 'humping like rabbits' had
never been accurate when describing me in relation to men.
Until Mulder that is. The lust we felt for one another was
often too much to bare. Countless times Mulder, the former
workaholic, would unceremoniously grab me and drag me out
the door. We'd just barely reach the confines of my apartment
before Mulder would impale himself inside of me. Foreplay
often wasn't needed. Just sitting in the same room with Mulder
hour upon hour, knowing I could look but not touch was
enough to drive me absolutely crazy! Needless to say, I was
more than ready by the time we were finally able to sneak
away for our daily lunchtime quickie.

At night we were different though. Our lovemaking
was always slow and sensual, quite a difference in comparison
with the rushed movements of our midday getaways. We always
took the time to explore each others bodies, bringing one another
to the edge of release only to stop and start all over again. In the
aftermath, we'd lay together as our breathing returned to normal.
I never would have guessed Mulder was the type of guy who
liked to cuddle. We'd lay there sweaty and completely sated, our
arms and legs entwined. Despite how pleasurable our lovemaking
had been, I always seemed to enjoy this part the most. Basking in
the afterglow of great sex. I would look at Mulder and he'd sigh in
contentment, grinning absurdly, his hair disheveled in that
'just been fucked' sorta way. It made me incredibly happy to
know that I was the cause of that particular hair style.
I'd lay my head on his chest and the steady beating of his
heart never failed to carry me off into a deep sleep. During
our separation, all I was left with was a suffocating silence
and a pillow that still faintly held his scent.

The reminder of how lonely I had been not so long
ago sends a chill through my body and I snuggle closer into
Mulder's embrace. He's here, he's real and he's mine. Suddenly
I'm flooded with a mixture of emotions. Happiness for the man
I've found and sorrow for the son I've lost. It's all too much and
I do the only thing I can think of. Something I never used to do,
but have done more times in the past two years than I can count.
I cry. Mulder's arm instinctively tightens around me and the
thought that even in his sleep he's trying to comfort me only
causes me to cry further. It's not until I feel the light brush
of his lips against my forehead that I realize he's not asleep.
I feel terrible for waking him, he needs his rest. But on the
other hand I'm glad. I need him to comfort me, to tell me that
everything's going to be all right. I need to touch and be
touched. I need to love and be loved. And as I hear Mulder
begin to whisper words of love and commitment in my
ear as his right hand slowly unties my robe, I know I
won't be disappointed. Mulder never disappoints me.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

6:03am

It's time to go. Not that I wouldn't be content
to just lie here with my arms wrapped around a very
sated Scully for the rest of my life, but there are things
we need to do, lives we need to save. Scully said she
knew I could never give up, and she's right. As much
as I'd like to forget everything Spender told me and
just live the next ten years of my life blissfully
unaware that the world was coming to an end, I know
I can't. That's not who I am, that's not who we are. I
truly believe that Scully and I were put on this
earth to make a difference. Whether by chance, or by a
higher power, I don't know. All I know is that my son will
live to be more than eleven years old, his mother and I
will make sure of that.

William. God, I miss him. I only got to be with my
son for two short days before I was forced to leave. Two
measly days, and I had already fallen in love with him.
He was so small the last time I'd seen him, so fragile. I
wanted to hold him in my arms and keep him safe from all
the horrors I knew lurked outside the safety of his crib. At
the time, I had thought the best way to keep him safe was to
distance myself from him. I knew there were people out
there who wanted me dead, and I refused to put their lives in
danger because of me. So I had left, thinking my departure
would be the answer to our problems. I was wrong, horribly
wrong. I know now that the place I should've been, the place
I needed to be, was at home. Now we have no home and our
son is gone. All we have left is each other. And that's enough,
for now.

I can't even begin to fathom how hard it must have
been for her. To have to raise our son on her own, all the
while continuing to work. She told me what had happened.
About the man coming into our home, attacking her mother
and attempting to kill our son. She also told me about the
kidnapping and how she'd rushed to Alberta and found William
crying and alone amongst the fiery remains of a spaceship.
I understood why she decided to give him up. He'd already
gone through things no child should ever have to go through,
he deserved a normal life, something Scully couldn't give him
on her own. If only I had been there, we could have protected
him together. If I had been there things would be different,
things would be better. God, how will Scully ever be able
to forgive me?

As if sensing my thoughts, Scully snuggles closer into
my embrace. Her full lips parted slightly and I feel the light
puffs of her breathing against my chest. I hate to wake her up,
she had a rough night. I had woken up in the wee hours of the
morning to find her crying softly. She needed me and I needed
her and before we knew it, we had shed our clothes and were
comforting each other the best way we knew how. Our
lovemaking was always different, each time our bodies joined
it was spectacular. Whether it be hard and fast, or slow and
sweet, sex with Scully was always amazing. There was only
one word to describe last nights encounter; satisfying. And as
much as I'd like to roll on top of her right now and get
reacquainted with the lushes curves of her body, we have to
get going. We have a planet to save.

I gently lift a strand of auburn hair from her face and
tuck it behind her ear, which grants with a wonderful view
of her face. She looks so peaceful when she sleeps, so innocent.
Much like the young, naive agent who had walked into my
basement office nine long years ago. So much has happened
since then, both good things and bad. I wish she could have
that innocence back, but I know that's impossible. She's seen
too much, she knows too much and she's a stronger person
because of it. As I am once again reminded of how much I
truly love this woman, I bend my head to gently kiss her closed
eyelids. They slowly flutter open in response, her big blue eyes
look up at me and all I see is love shining from their depths.
Judging by the grin on her face I guess she sees the same
expression mirrored in my eyes as well.

"Morning, sunshine." I say as I gently bring my lips down
to capture hers in a chaste kiss that doesn't last nearly long
enough. She sits up in bed and rubs the sleep from her eyes
with the back of her hand. She looks down at me and slowly
traces my lower lip with her thumb.

"Is it time to go?" she asks, and I can hear the twinge
of disappointment in her voice because she knows it is. I
nod solemnly and we share a look that promises there will
be many more nights spent like this, wrapped in each others
arms. But right now we have work to do. She bends to capture
my lips with her own. Her teeth gently nibble on my full lower
lip before she runs her tongue along it, her way of asking
permission to enter. Permission granted. Our tongues flirt with
each other as our lips try and find the best way to fit together.
She pulls back after what seems like an eternity but was
probably only a few seconds. I take in the look of her dilated
pupils and flushed cheeks and as a result feel the familiar
tightening in my groin. Maybe we could squeeze in a little
something before we leave. I begin to move closer to her,
when she gently puts her hand on my shoulder in an effort
to prevent my advances. Before I know it she's out of bed,
buck naked and heading towards the bathroom.

"I get first dibs on the shower!" she yells playfully
over her shoulder, deliberately swaying her hips as she makes
her way into the bathroom. I get out of bed and begin looking
around for my clothes that are strewn around the room, all the
while grinning like an idiot.

"You're wicked, Scully" I yell in the direction of the
bathroom as I locate one of my socks. It's been a very long
time since I've seen Scully's playful side and once this whole
mess is over with I intend on seeing a lot more of it.
Discarded clothes in hand, I plop back onto the bed and
wait for Scully to finish.

"And you love it!" I hear Scully shout just before she
steps into the shower. The idiotic grin the has yet to leave
my face grows larger as I realize that yeah, I do love it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

End of part 1