Pain in the Neck

By FAH3

The carriage was rolling down the dirt and stone path with an incredible speed so great that with almost every turn, the carriage itself was in great danger of turning over. Despite the few complaints from the passengers within the carriage, the driver kept pushing his horses faster and faster. Pushing the large animals almost to their limits as they began to pant heavily for breath. Normally, he would never use his whip on any animal he cared for. But the sun was beginning to set, and these lands were dangerous when the moon was out. Fearing for his life and the life of his passengers – who am I kidding? He mainly wanted to save his own skin! He used the whip to place a sting in the backs of the mighty animals as fear began to crawl up his spine and take root in his brain.

Soon, the carriage came rumbling into the small village as many of its inhabitants leapt away from its path. Seeing that he was now safe in the confines of the village, the driver pulled on the brake to try and make it come to an abrupt stop. As the carriage came to a full stop, its driver was flung head first over a pile of hay and into a fresh pile of horse manure. As the villagers gathered to see what was happening, many of them covered their mouths and noses over the stench from the driver as he wiped the disgusting matter from his face and head.

"This is the last stop until sunrise, everyone! Start unloading the baggage!" the driver called to his man inside the carriage with the passengers.

As the passengers inside the carriage disembarked, a tall and rather thin man exited as he looked at his surroundings. He wore a bowler hat along with a dark blue suit with a large overcoat. As he looked at his watch, people could see that his skin was rather pale, with a scar on the left side of his face that was directly under his eye.

"This isn't right." He said to himself and walked to the driver, but did well to keep his distance. "Excuse me, but I can't stay here. I must be traveling onward." He said to the driver.

"Sorry, but we're not going anywhere else until sunrise." The driver said as he walked to a horse troph and dunked his head in it to try and clean himself.

"You don't understand. My name is Drew Lipski and I have a meeting with a very important client. Tonight!" he said.

"Really?" the driver said as he came up for air. "Who's this man that you would so stupidly risk your life for?" the driver asked him.

"His name is Count Dracula." He said, and noticed the loud howling of wolves that seemed to follow.

"COUNT DRACULA?" all the villagers gasped in horror as the wolves howled yet again.

"That was rather convenient." Drew himself. "Did I say something wrong?"

"No, we all like to gasp for fun." A young man said.

"Sir, you must not dare go to the castle, especially at sun set! Terrible and unspeakable things happen there in the night." An older villager said.

"What sort of unspeakable things?" Drew asked them.

"If they weren't unspeakable, we'd be talking about them right now. Wouldn't we?" the young man asked.

"Quite the smart ass, isn't he?" Drew asked the driver.

"You don't have to tell us twice." An elderly lady said.

"Enough of this nonsense. I am brokering a deal with my client and I must finalize his purchase. If I don't, the deal will fall through. So I must meet with Count Dracula." Drew said and once again heard the sound of wolves howling near by. "Does that happen every time?"

"Does what happen every time?" the old villager asked and heard Drew groan in response. "Sir, is there any way to convince you not to go or wait until sunrise?"

"I'm afraid not." Drew answered.

"Very well. The home of Count Dracula is," he began but heard the howling of wolves in the distance. "SHUT UP ALREADY!" the man shouted, silencing the howling immediately. "There is the home of – he who must not be named."

"You don't mean Lord Voldemort, do you?" Drew asked in fear.

"Wrong story, pinhead. You want to get us sued?" the young man asked, keeping an eye out for lawyers from Warner Brothers.

"The Count lives up there." The old man said and pointed to an old, dark castle in the distance that had several storm clouds hovering over it.

"Oh, that one?" Drew asked.

"No. That's Castle Frankenstein." The old man said.

"IT'S ALIVE! ALIVE! AND IT GETS SIXTY MILES TO THE GALLON!" a mad voice screamed from the castle.

"Wait a minute, I thought he was trying to build a man." A puzzled Drew asked.

"He finished that weeks ago. Now he's trying to build a Frankenstein Monster Truck." A lady said.

"There is the castle you want." The old man said and pointed to another castle in the distance.

The new castle the old man was pointing to was much larger than the last one. It almost seemed like a jagged weapon that had puncture out from the Earth itself. The clouds that seemed to hang over it were much more darker and ominous, with lightning striking it several times The flash of light from the lighting seemed to make it look more like a living monster that faced the village.

"Oh, t-that one." Drew squeaked. "C-can anyone give me a ride?"

"Do we look that stupid?" the driver asked him.

"Oh, come on! Please?" Drew asked, but was given no answer. "Fine!" Drew spat and started walking away. As he took a few more steps, he spun around to face them one last time. "Dracula!" he shouted and heard several howls of the wolves in the distance.

"That's it! Grab your torches and pitch forks, folks! We'll run him out of town!" the young man shouted.

"OH CRAP!" Drew screamed and began to run for his life as the villagers gave chase.


It was already night fall as a very tired and panting Drew Lipski came to the front gate of Castle Dracula. He collapsed to his knees as he wiped the sweat from his brow and tried to regain his normal breathing. As he began to feel his lungs return to normal and the burning in them die down, he looked up at the home of his new strange client.

"It doesn't seem so bad. Actually, it doesn't even look that scary."

That's when he saw the forms of giant bats flying out from the top towers of the castle and into the night, their shrieks traveling with them along the wind. The growls of several creatures that only emerged at night seem to surround the castle as several eyes in the dark began to stare at Drew like he was a tasty little snack.

"Me and my fat mouth." Drew said to himself.

As he stood to his feet, he saw the large iron gates raise by itself as the large wooden double doors slowly open to give him access. "Normally, that would terrify me." Drew said to himself. Then he heard the sounds of giant vampire bats flying over head, and some of them flying very, very low. He also heard the sounds of hungry wolves and other creatures coming closer to where he was standing. As he glanced over his shoulder, he saw several of the glowing eyes growing closer to him from the barren shrubs that were growing wildly.

"But right now, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN!" he shouted as he picked up his bags and ran screaming into the castle.

As soon as he was inside the ancient stone structure, the giant doors slammed closed behind him with every lock falling into place almost like it was clockwork. Several torches that sat within the chamber were lit one after another like a domino line, giving fresh light to the dank and murky inner chamber for the first time in several uncounted years.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea." Drew said to himself.

"Good evening."

"AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEE!" Drew screamed, sounding like a young girl with a scrapped knee. He quickly spun around and saw a tall, rather old, gentleman standing at the top of the stairs. He wore black slacks and a white dress shirt, with a gold medallion hanging around his neck by a blood red ribbon. A black cloak covered him at the shoulders and draped downward, almost brushing the floor.

"Enter freely of your own free will, but leave some of the happiness you bring." He said in a crisp Romanian accent.

"W-who are you?" Drew asked him as he shivered with fear.

"I am Count Dracula."

"Track you lot?"

"No, Dracula."

"Drag? You're a drag queen?"

"No. My name is Count Dracula."

"You're going to drag me behind a car?"

"NO, YOU IDIOT! MY NAME IS COUNT DRACULA! DRA-CU-LA!" the man shouted, his voice echoing off of the ancient walls. "Dumb ass." The old count mumbled to himself.

"My apologies." Drew said to him as he removed his hat.

The old Romanian count took a deep, calming breath before talking to Lipski once more. "It is forgiven." The man said in a much calmer voice. "You must be Mr. Lipski from England."

"Yes, I am. I've come to finalize your real-estate purchase." He said.

"Wonderful. Walk this way, please." The old man said as he began to walk up the stairs.

"You mean follow you, right?" Drew asked him.

"Who do I look like? Aerosmith?"


Drew made sure all the appropriate papers were all filled in the correct spots and everything was in order. As he did this, he kept noticing how his host kept eyeing him every so often. In the light of the oil lamp, he noticed how pale the man was. His skin tone was almost the same color as that of a corpse. How long has this man lived out here? Why were the villagers so scared of him? Why couldn't he ever get a date? And what was that God awful smell? Did he just fart or something?

"Everything is in order. All you need to do is sign in the spaces I've marked." Drew said and handed the papers to him. Without even glancing at the papers twice, the pale man signed the marked areas faster than Drew had ever seen in his life. He had to actually close his eyes and shake his head for a moment to make sure he wasn't seeing things. When he opened his eyes again, he saw the Count handing him the papers back.

"Well, congratulations Count." Drew said as he flipped through the papers and saw the signature written perfectly. "You are now the proud owner of Carfax Abbey in London."

"Excellent. I do so long to see London. It's streets, it's life, and people that don't chase you with torches or pitch forks all the time." The count said.

"I know what you mean." Drew said rather sheepishly. As he began to put the papers away, he heard another howl of a wolf, and without saying the count's name. He also noticed how the count was listening to the nocturnal animal with his eyes closed.

"Listen to them. The children of the night." He said with a sigh. "What music they make. Excuse for a moment." The count said as he walked to a near by window and opened it, letting the howl grow louder in volume. "SHUT UP ALREADY! I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY DECENT REST IN TWO DAYS BECAUSE OF YOU! KNOCK IT OFF!" the count shouted into the night. This only caused the wolf to howl only louder.

"That's it." The count growled as he grabbed a stone paper weight from his desk and hurled it out the window with all his might. A few seconds later, the wolf began whimpering loudly and ran off as the count smiled and let his white pointed teeth glow in the moonlight. "That's right! You better run!"

"OW!" Drakken yelped as he felt the intense pain of a fresh cut burn through his index finger. He was so puzzled by his host's behavior, he hadn't watched where what he was doing and had given himself a paper cut. Out of instinct, he put the injured digit in his mouth as soon as he saw a drop of crimson form.

"Is everything all right?" the count asked as he appeared in front of Drew as if by magic.

"No, it's nothing. Just a small paper cut." He said as he withdrew the digit and saw several red splotches form on pieces of blank parchment he had. "Must have hit a vein." Drew said to himself.

His attention was drawn away from his injury as he heard a slight, almost lustful, moan coming from his host. He looked up and saw the count was looking at the blood stained paper with his mouth hanging open and a small amount of drool dripping out of the corner of his mouth.

"Are you all right?" Drew asked, puzzled by this strange man before him.

"Huh?

"You're – drooling." Drew said.

"Oh! So sorry. I – ah – just had dinner." The count said.

"Really? What was it?"

"Father beans and a nice Ci Ante." The pale man said in almost a crisp American accent. "Mr. Lipski?"

"Yes?"

"Look into my eyes." The count said as his iris' grew wide.

"I hate to tell you this, but I don't swing – uhhhhh." Drakken said as he became stupefied.

"You are now in my power, Mr. Lipski. From now on, you will," Dracula stopped talking as he noticed that Drew's head was cocked backwards as a loud and obnoxious snore escaped his open mouth. "What an idiot." Dracula groaned to himself. "WAKE UP!"

"Huh?"

"You will obey my," Dracula stopped again as he saw Drew quickly fall asleep and his snoring grow even louder. "You have got to be kidding me." Dracula said as he slapped Drew in the face.

"Who's there?" Drew asked quickly before Dracula grabbed Drew by the nose and made the broker look him in the eyes.

"Shut up, stay awake, and listen!" Dracula said as he let go of Drew's nose and kept their eyes locked. "I am a powerful vampire. You will serve me from now on, and obey my every command. Got it?"

"Yes, Master!" Drew said as a sadistic and cheerful smile began to form as his skin faded to a pale blue color.

"If you serve me well and don't piss me off too much, I shall reward you for your efforts."

"You mean I'll be like you?" Drakken asked as his eyes grew wide with excitement. The question made Dracula frown and his stomach cringe at the thought of this annoying geek as a vampire.

"Let's start out small. Start with insects and we'll go from there."

"Thank you, Master!"

"Now come, Lipski. We must make preparations to cross the sea."

"I shall book us passage on a plane at once."

"NO! NO PLANES!" Dracula shouted at him.

"Why not? What's wrong with a plane?" Drew asked as he became confused at his master's response.

"Two reasons. The first is that I'm scared of heights." Dracula told him.

"Wait a minute. Can't you turn into a bat and fly around?" Drew asked him.

"Yes."

"But you're afraid of heights? That just doesn't make any sense at all." Drew asked as he became even more confused.

"It's not the actual flying that scares me. What scares me is the crashing. And the burning. And the pain and the dying." Dracula said.

"You said two reasons. What's the other one?" Drew asked him.

"I like to look at the sailors when they're in their uniforms." Dracula said with a bit of a smirk as he turned and exited the room.

"Now I didn't need to know that. Yech! TMI." Drew said as his face became a frown.

"Come, Renfield!"

"Who?" Drew asked him.

"Oh, right. Wrong story. Come, Lipski!"

"Yes, Master!"


The Demeter; two days at sea.

In the cargo hold of the ship, a strange black box with Gothic ornaments and designs was securely tied to keep it from moving about. Inside the ominous and gothic looking box rested the form of Count Vlad Dracula himself as he a contented sigh escaped his lips. While others would find the rocking and pitching of the ship quite sickening, it actually made the ancient vampire relaxed.

"Ah, this is more like it." He said to himself. "Why, it almost feels like I'm in mother's arms again. I could get used to this." The vampire said as he tried to sink deeper into the velvet padding of his coffin. He was almost asleep when the smell of fresh rain entered his coffin through the cracks in the lid. After several more minutes, the smell grew stronger and was accompanied by a cold chill as large claps of thunder began to roll.

"Sounds like a storm is blowing in." Dracula said to himself. The rocking and pitching were going to feel more dramatic in a few moments as the seas would start to heave. It was this thought that made him open his eyes as a sudden thought entered his brain. "Did Liski remember to secure my coffin?" he asked himself. As if fate itself answered him, the sound of the rope that kept him in place snapping like a twig began to feel him with dread.

"This is going to hurt." He said as he felt the coffin begin to slide and quickly gain speed. The coffin slammed against a post before turning with the top half slamming hard against the hull, making Dracula slam his head hard against the side of his coffin despite the thick padding. "That's going to leave a mark." He muttered to himself. "LIPSKI!"

The doors to the cargo hold were flung open to reveal the mad smile of Dracula's mad lackey, the flashes of lightning revealing the dark storm clouds and torrents of rain outside the ship. A sinister laugh escaped his clenched teeth, making him sound more like a rabid hyena than anything else. He immediately saw the predicament the old vampire was in and flung himself down the steps until he held onto the coffin as tight as he could.

"Don't worry, Master. I have your coffin; I'll keep you safe." Drakken said with a sadistic smile.

The smile soon vanished as the ship began to pitch to the other side, and Lipski soon found himself being pushed by his master's coffin uncontrollably. Drew slammed into the hull of the ship back first, with Dracula's coffin slamming into his midsection with tremendous force. Lipski let out a pitiful moan as he slumped over the coffin and almost passed out.

Dracula opened the lid to his coffin as he sat up and propped his elbow on the top of Lipski's head as he began to think. "Is it too late to use that plane you mentioned?" he asked his servant.

"I'm – afraid so – Master. Owwwww." Lipski moaned.

"Damn it to puss spewing, blood gutting hell." Dracula said in frustration as he stepped out of the coffin, shoving it further into Lipski's torso.

"M-master, where are you going?" Drew asked weakly.

"I always go out for a midnight snack when I can't sleep." The vampire said as he stepped out of the cargo hold and onto the deck.