Hi, everybody! How are we today? Alright, I know what you're thinking, and yes, I am continuing MfEO. I'm just putting this out there for some fun to celebrate my birthday-which-isn't-my-actual-birthday, February eleventh, the day I first joined FanFiction. It's been a great year - and so this story goes out to you: my friends, readers, and fellow writers here on FFN. Each of these are supposed to be of similar substance to the show we all know and love. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy! (*Blows into a noisemaker*)
Also, I don't happen to own Phineas and Ferb (although that would be an awesome not-birthday present) or anything otherwise alluded to in this here story.
Warning: Chapter contains obscure amounts of randomness formed primarily by the interactions between the author and her brother. Read at your own risk.
"Trees."
Ferb thought for a moment, then shook his head.
"Mirrors."
Same reaction.
"Hm... Shoelaces? No, that's just ridiculous. We need to think bigger."
Phineas pressed his hand to his chin, and for a few seconds, no one spoke. "That's it!" The redhead finally proclaimed, "Paper towels!"
All seemed right with this idea until Phineas came to his senses and realized, "No, no, no. Wow, I thought that thinking of random everyday objects to design a Big Idea about would work. Guess that was a little far-fetched."
Ferb withdrew a picture of what looked like a small, brown duck holding a green stick. "Not that kind of far-fetched, silly. Come on, there's gotta be something inside that can spark our imagination."
With that, the boys stood up and walked calmly into the house. "Ideas, ideas, ideas, ideas..." Phineas chanted, apparently trying to summon the day's project. "Ideas, ideas, ide- I know! Ceiling fans! We can - no, then we take the risk of recreating the Clothesline Incident." The boy sighed. "It's like everything in this house can be related in some way to one of our projects. Look, even that glockenspiel is sporting nothing but a used idea. Maybe we need something a little more exotic."
The two rounded the corner into their living room, where Candace sat, hurriedly trying to change the channel on the television away from Ducky Momo. "Remind me again why there is a glockenspiel in our kitchen." Ferb requested.
Phineas let the thought sink in. "You know, I really have no clue," he stated. "Hiya Candace, whatcha watchin'?"
"Um, it's... What am I watching?" She pulled up the channel guide to discover that the program's title was in Spanish. She jabbed the 'scroll down' button on the remote a couple times, finally settling for one that looked convincing enough. "Well, whatever it is, it's on commercials now," Candace deduced, grinning proudly.
"Are you looking for something exotic and fun to do this summer?" An announcer asked, "Then come on down to-"
"Nah, never been a fan of commercials anyway," Candace complained, reverting back to channel surfing.
"Pickles so green and meat so brown..."
"Buy 'R' Product!"
"It works for PIIIGS!"
"¡Verano! ¿Por dónde hay que empezar?"
"That would have been a catchy song if I could speak Mandarin Italian."
"...Automatic grass dispenser..."
"Go back seven channels and your brothers will thank you for it."
"Seriously, there's nothing else-"
"Ducky Mo, Ducky Momo! He's your very best friend!"
"Alright, fine, I'll go back," Candace said to the television, defeated. The advertisement was still running.
"Like we just said seven other times, there is nothing more fun than a water park to cool down in the summer."
"Man, the commercials on this network are weird. Remind me not to watch them," Candace requested.
"Ferb, you getting this?" Phineas asked his brother, who already had out a notepad and a pencil to check off what they had already done.
"We have an extensive variety of attractions, including a wave pool, tons of water slides, churro stands and everyone's favorite, the lazy river. Get your season passes before we get kicked off for having a commercial that's too long for our budget-"
The screen went to static at this. Phineas and Ferb peered over the list, discovering that there was one thing they hadn't made yet.
"A lazy river, huh," Phineas examined, "Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hey, wh-"
"Where's Perry?" The television had restored its regular program. "The famed policeman who disappeared after all donut shops in Danville closed down. The full story, after the break."
The boys' platypus was still resting outside. He cocked one eye open and, making sure he was undetected, the secret agent stood erect and whipped his trusty fedora onto his teal head. Wasting no time, he ran around the side of the house and into the garage, where he found a large umbrella meant for an outside picnic table. He rolled it open, climbed up the shaft, and waited for it to close upon him. When it did, he appeared in his lair.
"GoodmorningAgentP!" Major Monogram greeted, bursting with an uncharacteristic rush of energy. "Whatagreatdayitistodaytofightevil! Ifeellikegoingoutinthefieldwithyou! Thatsurewouldbeahoot! ThelookonDoofenshmirtz'sfacewouldbepriceless! Wouldn'titCarl?"
The intern nervously appeared onscreen, humoring his crazed superior. "Yes, that-that would be something, sir. Listen, Agent P, he's been like this all day. I don't know what to do! Please, it might be best to leave to fight Doof now."
"Goodluckbesuccessful!" Monogram bid to his agent, "Breakaleghopefullyhis!"
"I don't know how Isabella doesn't get tired of asking this, but what are you doing?" Candace demanded, standing outside the sliding glass door to her backyard. Phineas and Ferb were halfway through constructing the day's project, and the teen felt it was about time to intervene.
"Making a lazy river," Phineas replied, setting the artificial surface tension in place. The technical aspects of the river reminded him slightly of multiple other projects of his, but this was neither a sprinkler nor a giant blob of water, and its purpose was different than those were. "Do you want a ride when it's finished?"
"Ew, you mean floating around on a half-deflated tube in freezing cold dead bug- and leaf- infested water and getting run over by teenagers? I'll pass."
"I always thought of them as half-inflated. To each his own, I guess." And Phineas turned his attention back to his project.
"Pfft, a lazy river. Who do they think they are?" Candace asked herself, "I dunno, but what they are is 'busted.' Now to find Mom..."
Candace looked all over the house, calling for the woman. After a few minutes of no response, she muttered, "This is gonna be a long day..."
"I don't know how Candace can get tired of asking this, but whatcha doin'?" Isabella asked, strolling into the famous backyard.
Phineas finished what he was doing and walked up to Isabella. "Ferb and I are making a lazy river through town. We didn't want to have to cut out a moat though, so it's just going to be water resting on the ground by the surface tension technology from some of our earlier endeavors."
"Cool! Literally. Aren't those usually freezing?"
"That may be so, but isn't summer usually scorching?"
"That may be so." Isabella waited for Phineas to say something, and when he didn't, she simply asked to help out; he happily accepted.
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
Agent P's gadget of choice today was the jet pack. Landing in a ready stance on his nemesis's balcony, Perry waited almost instinctively for a trap. Whatever happened to Major Monogram this morning, he was to see that if Doofenshmirrtz was behind it, he would be apprehended. Doofenshmirtz would be apprehended regardless, but Perry was pretty sure he knew what the doctor had in store for today.
"Ah, Perry the Platypus," the man started, "It was pretty obvious that you would come today."
With this, the evil scientist withdrew a remote and pressed its solitary button. Suddenly, the space inhabited by Perry was completely covered in a heap of white powder. "And by 'obvious', I mean totally -vious!" Doofenshmirtz sighed, then rubbed his temple, embarrassed. "Yeah, I felt confidant going into that...
"No matter, though! As you can see, I have trapped you in a mound of the sweetest substance known to man - well, come to think of it, it may not be the sweetest, I just can't think of anything off the top of my head - anyway, it's sugar. So, now that you're trapped, I've been meaning to show you something." He bent down and retrieved an object from offscreen. It looked like a trapezoidal prism-shaped mess of monotone, wrinkled clothes. "Look! I call it a 'laundry block'. Once, when I had finished cleaning these and I only had one laundry basket and two loads, I just dumped these out on my bed - and check it out! It retained the shape it was in when it was in the basket! I dunno, I thought it was cool.
"But that's a scheme for another day. You see, Perry the Platypus, that day I made the Bring-out-the-Desserts-Inator and we did that jumping-up-and-down thing, I got this great idea during my crash. That, and the sudden lack of sugar from my cabinets - I'm pretty sure Mrs. Thompson downstairs is stealing from me - led me to make this!" He yanked a purple cloth off of his invention, which resembled an antenna on a platform. "Behold, Perry the platypus, the Sugar-Rush-Inator! With this device, I will make everyone in the entire Tri-State Area get a sugar rush! Then, while everyone else is busy bouncing off the walls, I will be the only one with enough sense to come into City Hall and take over! Am I a genius, or what?"
Not interested in the question, Agent P started sifting through the grains of sugar and achieved escape. Quickly, he advanced on the doctor and leaped for his face. For the Major! Perry thought as his tail connected with its target.
"...I think that should do it," Phineas concluded, backing away from the completed river. "Everyone, grab a tube and get in before the water gets tolerable!"
Ferb, Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet followed the redhead's instructions. Soon enough, a beat started from an indiscernible music source and a background singer began preforming:
It's fine by me
If it's not your cup of tea
But at least give the river a chance.
The idea's old
And the water's cold
And it's infested with dead plants.
But you're in the right place if you want to cool off,
Kick back, and relax in the sun.
The beach and the pool are also cool
But here, we just have fun!
Just slide right in
Grab a tube and grin
Give the benefit of the doubt.
Bring a friend
With whom you'll spend
This insufficient route.
But you're in the right place if you want to cool off,
Kick back, and relax in the sun.
The beach and the pool are also cool
But here, we just have fun!
In the house, Candace was nearly giving up on the search for her mother. "Mom?" She called, opening the door to the mud room. "Hello..?"
She closed the door, exhaling sharply. Eventually, she started looking in locations ranging from improbable to utterly impossible.
She opened the linen closet. No mom. The kitchen cabinet yielded the same result (as did the oven). She wasn't in the washing machine or the dryer. The bathroom sink was also, unsurprisingly, sans-Linda. There wasn't anything but 'treasured memories' in Lawrence's toolbox. She wasn't underneath the couch cushions, but $2.03 in change was. She wasn't in any of Phineas and Ferb's dresser drawers.
"I'm going crazy," Candace observed, replacing the lid on the outside garbage can. "What's worse, my phone's dead, and I can't call her! I'll have to ask the boys."
She walked around the house and faced the horrible creation. "Phineas! Ferb!" She shouted, "Where are you?"
Candace's question was answered by the sight of her two brothers floating by on their half-deflated (or half-inflated, if that floats your boat) tubes. "Hey, sis. How's it going?" Phineas greeted.
Impatient, Candace asked, "Have you seen Mom?"
"She went early to that peanut butter convention." Phineas grabbed Ferb's ankle with the hand that wasn't holding Isabella's. The Fireside Girl had grasped one of the handles on Baljeet's tube, which Buford was using as a footrest. "Hey, we have a chain now," Phineas beamed. Ferb took Candace's wrist in his right hand, and with his left he directed a free-floating tube towards the edge of the water. Playfully, he hoisted his stepsister into it, much to the teen's dismay.
"Hey, what are you-! Ah, cold, cold, cold, cold..." Candace muttered, "Ugh, you're lucky I always wear a bathing suit under my normal clothes."
"Now, Perry the Platypus, you shall see the true power of the sugar rush! Revenge is a dish best served sweet!"
Doofenshmirtz kept one titanium arm out to protect from his nemesis's attacks, using the other to pull a lever on today's -Inator. "I mean, this scheme has nothing to do with revenge, but it was still better than the -vious line! Give me that at least."
Perry stopped mid-punch, shook his head, and resumed the maneuver. Doofenshmirtz dodged, turning back to his invention. "Hey, if you haven't noticed, the -Inator is warming up. Quick, let's take cover behind that overturned table that I may or may not have knocked over in a dance competition against Norm."
The two fled behind said table, interrupting their fight. Perry glared at Doofenshmirtz, who sheepishly continued, "What? It's perfectly normal to have a dance-off with a robot in Drusselstien. Actually, it's not, considering there are no robots there... Yeah, I'm really off my game today."
Perry peeked over the table, ruing his decision to duck and cover when there was, apparently, enough time to stop the machine. He considered going back if there was sufficient time left, but he saw with horror that it was four seconds from activating and five seconds away at Perry's fastest running speed. Hastily, he sat back down, pulling the edges of his fedora over his ears, gritting his teeth, and hoping that this, like the rest of Dr. D's plans, was not thought through enough to work.
"Aw, you know, you look so cute when you're losing," Doofenshmirtz observed, "I mean, look at you. You're like a little teal teddy bear."
Perry quit cowering and stared hatefully at the doctor as the -Inator fired.
Pandemonium, of sorts, quickly spread to the far reaches of the Tri-State Area. The Flynn-Fletcher backyard was no exception. Phineas's 'chain' was broken by now and the six kids (Candace had reluctantly agreed to tough it out in her swimsuit after misinterpreting Phineas's comment as a challenge) were at their leisure in the lazy river - that is, until everything went absolutely nuts.
Everyone had by now left their half-inflated tubes and Buford, Isabella, and Ferb had begun rapidly swimming with the current of the river. Phineas and Baljeet had came out of the water and were discussing how far they had each been able to calculate pi and apparently arguing over what the sixty-fourth digit was.
"It's a two, Baljeet."
"No! It is definitely a three!"
"It's a two!"
"No, a three!"
"Two!"
"Three!"
"Two!"
"Three!"
"Three!"
"Two - no, three!"
Meanwhile, a crazed Candace was snapping pictures of the lazy river to show her mother later, wailing the Ducky Momo Theme Song while doing so. In the middle of her victory dance, half-because she had proof and half-because of her condition, she took to tossing her precious camera in the air only for it to land in the water.
"Eat water, girlie!" Buford shouted, repeating the phrase every time he splashed Isabella. She quickly put an end to that by drowning him in tubes. Then, as if guided by instinct, she swam out of the river and over to Phineas, who still had not convinced Baljeet of the number.
"I'm telling you, man. It's two-!"
The boys' conversation was cut off suddenly by Isabella, who wrapped one arm around each of them, hugged them tightly, and insisted, "You guys are the best!" She then ran off, leaving Baljeet in a happy daze and Phineas utterly confused.
Ferb, no longer content with the speed at which the river was running, sped off to a control panel and steadily increased the flow. Buford, in a cocoon of tubes, was now spinning around in the water as if entering the landing on one of those water slides that drop suddenly and put you into what can only be compared to a toilet bowl. As the speed of the water rose, the surface tension became thinner and thinner until the whole thing burst.
"IsabellaIsabellaIsabella!" A voice cooed from the side of the yard. Gretchen, followed by the rest of the Fireside Girls, filed in through the gate. "This is perfect! Let's all get our Flood Recovery patch!"
"Okay!" Their leader agreed, and they all lined up. "Bananas!" Isabella commanded, and as if that was some established code word, the rest of the girls marched single-file out the gate to clean up the water.
Shoving off inflatable tubes, Buford recovered from the speed. "Aw, mystery vase," he mumbled, then threw his head back in laughter. Growing louder, he continued. "Stop reading my properties! Chill and stay cool! Ooh, space heater. Remember, don't share it with your horse! Or the number five. Looks aren't everything, though. Slurp this, I'm gonna beatbox to a made-up word! Totally twin captures! Date nuts and blackbird pie! Come down! Ga-nip ga-nop ga-nip! Other inside joke that only 'Jeet would understand!"
"It's two! For the last time, Baljeet, it's - wait a minute, why are we arguing about this?"
"...I do not know," the other mathematician realized. "May I have a piece of paper?"
Phineas retrieved one from the notepad Ferb used before and a pencil for his friend to complete the necessary calculations. It took a minute, but when Baljeet found his number you could see it in his face. "...I regret to say this, but you are correct. It is a two."
"In Baljeet's defense," Ferb started, approaching the boys, "The sixty-fifth digit is a three."
"Well, I... I guess I should have made the sugar rush last more than five minutes," Dr. Doofenshmirtz mused. "You know what? Curse you, Perry the Platypus. I am really out of it today. You can just go home."
Perry eyed the machine, not trusting the doctor's motives. He took out his jet pack, strapped it on, and made sure his beaver tail hit the self-destruct button on the way out.
The convention over, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher pulled into the driveway of her house and met the children in the backyard. "Mom, you're home!" Phineas announced, "How'd your thing go?"
"Well, it went just fine without any frantic calls from Candace," she quipped. "Who wants some peanut butter?"
"We do!" Shouted Phineas, Ferb, Buford, and Baljeet, jogging inside.
Candace deadpanned. "Really?" She sarcastically remarked, "How many times is that going to be brought up?"
Linda turned to her and explained, "Please, Candace. By now, peanut butter is a running gag."
During the end credits...
Candace dropped back down on the couch, flipping on the television and saying, "Well, I guess I better see if they're showing Ducky Momo again."
A commercial immediately flickered on, featuring a trapezoidal prism-shaped mess of monotone, wrinkled clothes. "Do you only have one laundry basket? Are you too lazy to get another one? Well, then the laundry block is for you! Just place your full basket upside down on this nifty tray, pull up, and there you have it. A neat pile of clean clothes ready to be put away! Laundry basket not included."
Candace stared, confused, at what she had just seen. She clicked the television off, muttering in reference to this network's advertisements, "They're always worse than I remember."
...Thanks so much for reading! Updates will be mostly random (and so will the schedule), and they will likely live up to the title of the collection... But hopefully they will be worth the wait. ^^ Just remember, Carpe Diem!
