So, here I sit. Where am I again? Potions, right...I wondered what Snape was doing there for a moment. Anyway, as I was saying, here I sit, clearly somewhere else as anyone would have probably noticed. In potions, watching you. A little voice in the back of my head thumps me and tells me to pay attention. I roll my eyes at that silly little voice. It's not like I have much of a choice...well, actually, I guess I do...but I know I won't do anything about it. I don't want to. I'd rather just watch you.
You look happy, relaxed. Laughing silently, along side your brother. People would ask me, if they knew, "Why him? They are exactly the same!" But I know they're not...you're not. No one's like you. You're eyes twinkle, and when you blink, your eye lids stay closed for a moment longer. It's captivating...hypnotising...I love it.
I love everything about you, though I'm sure many people would agree. You and your twin are extremely good looking, funny; you're the original bad boys every girl falls for. I know...I'm one of them. Though, like me, some would never admit it. They also say you're both stupid, mindless, idiot pranksters - that you're no good, only trouble.
You called me trouble once. My first day, I walked into potions and was attacked for being late. Of course, I stood up for myself - Snape didn't like that. A month's detention. But it was worth it. Because you called me trouble. You smiled at me, acknowledged me. And I fell in love with you.
Sometimes I feel stupid. A pathetic fool to cling so tightly, to a rope so thin. I guess the reason I hold on is because of that tiny fragment of hope. Hope, that maybe you could feel the same. I dream about you. But you never love me, even in my dreams. But sometimes, I see that look in your eyes, the same smile you gave me that first day, and that is just another spark, lighting the fire.
Beside me, someone asks me what I'm staring at. I pretend it was nothing and I had just drifted off, into some daydream. They nod. Everyone's used to me daydreaming. They don't know. They can't, because...I dunno. I guess I'm afraid of what they'd say...would they destroy the dream? Cos, though that's all it is...it's enough. And I can't let go.
But I hate myself. Everyday. For loving you.
I feel so weak, so pathetic. This isn't me! I hate you! I hate you for what you've done to me...I hate you for making me love you! Why did you have to call me trouble? I could've been like the other girls...but no...and it's not fair. I can't do this anymore. Watching you sitting there...I see you turn and smile...but not to me. To Alicia. I hate you...
Maybe storming from the class for seemingly no reason was too much? I don't care. I had to get out of there. To the Library...there must be something there. Something that will make me forget it all...everything...so I can move on. You have been part of me for too long.
Afterwards, I didn't even remember who you were.
On the way back from the Library, I ran into you. You smiled. You asked me if I was alright...I told you I was fine. You started talking about how I stormed from the class, how furious it made Snape. You called me trouble. You asked me what I was doing later...but I didn't know you. And I said I was busy.
It's strange how history repeats itself, huh?
