Harry was just lounging on the couch in his living room when Ron came crashing down the stairs.

"Oi! Harry mate!" Ron cried. "Check this out!" He thrust a small pamphlet in Harry's face.

Harry's eyes widdened. "A pamphlet Ron?" He asked incredulously.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Just open it!" Harry sighed miserably and complied.

Woman Speak

By Sirius Black

Harry's eyes widened. "Sirius wrote this?!"

"Yeah!" Ron said enthusiastically. "I didn't know either!"

Finally! Here is a guide to what a woman really means when she says shit like "Fine" and "Nothing".

Keywords and their meanings:

"Fine": This word is used at the end of any argument that the woman feels

she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe

how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes": If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. However,

if you are watching a football game... it means five minutes.

"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"

is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you

inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an

argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a

woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want

because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a

few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in

about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal

statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you

are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time

standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are

one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content.

Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let

me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last

night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do NOT walk, to the

nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done

tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to

you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies

that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you

will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that

we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman

can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and

hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have

done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in

conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near

future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some

mighty big trouble.

"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving

you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for

doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell

the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say,

"Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you, she is being sarcastic. It

signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by

the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh",

as she will only tell you "Nothing".

"Whatever": This is a woman's version of saying: "F*ck you!"

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

But I bet it doesn't!

Harry and Ron sat in silence.

"Where was this shit when I was married?!"