To start off, this was made in two nights because I couldn't stop writing.
It is in Sasori's POV which means that we don't know much of what Deidara thinks, so mystery tone and what not. Besides that, enjoy the fluff!
A howl went through the eerily still night. A few animals stirred outside the home from the echo, but the figure walking up the path ignored all of it. He was coming for what was rightfully his.
Without any courtesy to the couple's home, he stormed in through the front door and headed to the bedroom where a woman was heard groaning and wailing in the throws of childbirth. The husband of the woman turned to him in shock, obviously terrified by his presence.
"How did you–"
"I came for what is mine," the intruder said, sending a cold look to the woman and her midwife. "You will complete your part of the deal."
It was then that everything seemed to go still and strangely quiet. The woman seemed to forget her pain as she looked at her husband. "You haven't told him?" she rasped.
"How am I supposed to tell him?" the husband asked.
"Tell me what?" the intruder barked but before anyone could say anything else, a large bang came from the window before it was opened and a body spilled over the edge and into the room.
"Did I miss it, un? Where's the kid?"
Every person in the room was silent as the first intruder managed to comprehend what was happening. With poorly concealed malice, he grabbed the collar of the husband and shoved him against the wall.
"You promised your first born to two warlocks?!"
–
"This is just stupid," Deidara said as he sat outside the room where a meeting was taking place to determine the fate of the child that technically belonged to both warlocks. "What I gave them was much more valuable than what you have provided, so therefore I get the child. Simple, un."
"No," Sasori said as he continued to pace, patience wearing thin. "I was promised the child first, therefore, I get it."
"And what did you give them first, pray tell?" Deidara asked, nose high in the air.
Sasori stood in front of the other warlock as he said, "Food that healed the mother of any ailments so she would be able to bring the child into this world, while staying in it as well."
Deidara scoffed at that and crossed his arms and legs. "Cliché, un."
"Then what of you?" Sasori inquired and Deidara smirked, seeing as it was his aim to reveal his deal.
"I potion that would make the child develop amazingly, in both strength and beauty, un."
"Your spells are merely superficial," Sasori said with contempt. "Mine kept the both of them healthy."
Deidara stood abruptly and glared at Sasori. "My magic goes deeper than your herbs and plants, you old man, un."
Sasori's eyes narrowed. "You're nothing more than a novice, masking your potions with anything that bubbles."
"What? Like the boils on your ass, un?"
Sasori was already reaching for his three-day itching powder when the door to the meeting room opened, revealing two magic officials with the parents and child. Both Sasori and Deidara rushed inside, ready for the verdict.
"It has been decided that the only fair way to settle this matter is to... give the child to the both of you," the main official said, tone strong, but still preparing for a fight.
And it was a fight that he got.
"Are you being serious? I am not sharing a single thing with this brat, who has no decent respect for magic."
"I respect all magic, you crone, un! But not yours which is just dirt shoved into a bottle!"
That was as far as it got until the second official interjected quickly. "We are sorry for these circumstances, but both deals have been made and fulfilled, so the both of you deserve the child. But the only way you two will get it is to compromise."
Sasori sneered. "How do you expected the both of us to take the child?"
The first official spoke just as the babe began to cry and it was already grating on Sasori's ears. "That is for you two to decide. Perhaps switch off every moon, or have it together, but it must be settled between you two."
"I don't want to raise the thing, un," Deidara exclaimed as he gestured wildly to the family in the room. "I need it for stuff!"
"Well so do I," Sasori hissed and the arguing started once more.
"Enough!" The second official yelled to get the two warlocks to stop. "If you two cannot decide for yourselves, then we will decide."
Deidara was almost pouting and it made Sasori scowl. "I'm sure it will be better than having to agree with this poor excuse of a warlock."
The sounds of a baby crying could almost be heard over the shouting match happening in that small room.
–
An hour passed and everything was settled, because as Sasori and Deidara argued, the officials told them that if they didn't make an arrangement soon that the child would stay with its original family. The parents looked excited at that but Sasori had put too much into that potion to let the child go, and Deidara just seemed pissed that he would lose.
So begrudgingly, the two warlocks agreed that they would share the child, switching it back and forth for a month until they could finally agree on what to do with it. Sasori couldn't bring himself to care about whatever reason Deidara wanted it for, but he knew that he couldn't go through with plan either or else he would have broken the agreement. And for the parents, they were obviously devastated that they wouldn't get to keep their child, because they had thought if they promised two warlocks then the agreements were null, but it would still be taken away from them.
When it came time to decide who would have it first, Deidara immediately jumped in. "I want it, so it gets used to me first and I can teach it to hate this old bat, un."
Sasori scowled at that, but the now childless mother said, "It's a boy," her words a tremor.
Deidara didn't even seem to care as he got the child from the official, and once in his arms, the infant began to cry. Sasori saw Deidara's eye immediately twitch and he smirked.
"Can we...?" Sasori looked over to see the father speaking now. "Can we still name him?" Sasori scoffed at the sentimental garbage, but Deidara looked over at him in curiosity.
"Will it make him shut up, un?"
The officials sighed and one said, "You may try, but they have every right to reject the name."
The couple tried anyway. "Naoki, we were going to name him Naoki."
Deidara looked down at the baby, completely skeptical as it was still bawling. "You think this kid is docile, un?" The couple gave a small sob and Deidara rolled his eyes. "Yeah, okay I'll try to call him Naoki, until I–" Sasori glared at Deidara hard enough for the other blond warlock to notice. "Until we figure out what to do with him, un."
With everything settled, both Sasori and Deidara left the room, the latter getting some supplies from the parents for the newly acquired baby who was still wailing. Sasori was nearly glad he didn't have to take care of it for the moment, but the thought of Deidara have the baby for a month made him rethink his decision on working with the warlock. The child was most likely to die or get sick in his care.
Sasori saw Deidara trying to rock the infant to no avail and he smirked once more before turning to go back to his small home. "Hey, where do you think you're going, un?" Deidara demanded, voice deep enough to show that he was already fed up with the kid he now had to take care of.
Trying not to look too smug, which didn't work at all, Sasori said, "Home to peace and quiet. I'll see you in a month with the brat. Try not to kill it." He then continued to walk home as Deidara screamed at him, causing the infant to cry even louder. Soon all Sasori heard was the baby crying and then silence. He always preferred silence.
–
Two nights later Sasori was confronted with not silence. Very loud, not silence in the form of a pounding on his door and a baby crying. Groaning, he got out of bed and looked out the window to see Deidara with the infant. He didn't open the door. "What're you doing here?"
"The kid wanted you, un!" Deidara screamed, trying to sound cheery. "More like he missed you and needs you to take care of him."
Sasori rolled his eyes. "How did you even find my house?"
"Well, asking around for a grumpy old warlock with his head on fire wasn't that hard–"
"You're not making your case any better," Sasori bit out, hating that his age was an insult once more. He hadn't even reached his third decade and he was getting so much sass from the younger warlock.
"Okay, okay, can you just... let us in?"
Muttering about stupid deals, Sasori opened the door and Deidara immediately rushed inside with the wailing infant. Sasori got a good look at them once he lit the candles with a flick of magic. The first thing he noticed was Deidara's hair looking like a birds nest with multiple twigs in it as well as dirt. The next thing was the clothes, both Deidara's and the babies, which had smudges of mud and dirt as well.
"Do you sleep outside or something?" Sasori asked, not letting Deidara get any further inside.
Trying to look clever, Deidara said, "I am actually a traveling warlock, because I have no need of paying someone for a place to stay, and my work–"
"Sounds like your broke with no place to sleep," Sasori cut in. He then looked at the baby, who was now red in the face. "And you've been making the brat sleep outside, too?"
Clearly pissed at being called out, Deidara said, "Well it doesn't look like I have any other choice, do I now?"
Rolling his eyes, Sasori said, "Dear lord, so now you want me to take care of this kid? Which means that I get full custody of it?"
"No, un," Deidara practically snarled, holding the infant closer to his chest which seemed to lessen his crying. "I just... need a place to camp out is all, un. We do," he said, nudging his head to the baby who was beginning to stop crying as he was now in a warm place.
Sasori was deadpan. "You're a pathetic excuse for a warlock."
Deidara pursed his lips, trying to keep back insults, and instead replied with, "That's debatable, but at the moment I could use your... assistance, un."
Finally fed up and tired Sasori said, "Fine, clean up and for the night the two of you can rest in the sitting room."
Just hearing that seemed to make Deidara relax, but he still seemed unsure. "You don't have a bedroom, un?"
Sasori's eyes narrowed. "Yes, mine, but if you don't want my generosity–"
"No, no, sitting room is good," Deidara exclaimed, making Naoki wake up and cry.
Sasori nearly groaned at the sound. "Bathroom is down the hall, first door on the left. Clean up because I will not have you filthy in my home. And stay quiet."
Deidara pretended to lock his mouth with a key but Sasori knew it was too big to actually stay shut. He rolled his eyes and went back to bed.
He was awoken four times throughout the night from the baby crying.
–
In the morning, Sasori found Deidara sprawled on the couch with the baby on the armchair, swaddled and surrounded by pillows so he couldn't somehow roll off. He seriously doubted that a baby just a few days old could manage that. Sasori barely payed attention to the baby after that and kicked the couch that Deidara was on, startling him awake.
"Wha..." Deidara mumbled, trying to sit up and look around with groggy eyes. Now with some real lighting, Sasori could tell that Deidara probably hadn't gotten a good nights sleep in the last two days as his eyes were bloodshot with bags underneath them. Deidara finally looked up at him and scowled for being woken up. "Oh, hi... I guess, un," he muttered as he lay back down with an arm over his eyes to block out any light.
Sasori leered and found a heavy tome next to the couch, which he picked up, held high above Deidara and let it drop. The book landed on Deidara's stomach hard enough for the warlock's eyes to spring open and gasp as the air was knocked from him. Sasori then moved out of the way as Deidara slowly rolled off the couch and fell.
It was this noise that woke up Naoki and Deidara's groan almost sounded like a whine. "Do you have any idea how much this kid sleeps?"
"I can guess about how much sleep you've gotten," Sasori said impassively. "Anyways, I let you stay the night, now leave."
And for the first time, Deidara looked like he would start begging. "C'mon, man, can't you let us stay a little longer? It's going to rain later on today, un."
Sasori didn't particularly seem to care as he picked his tome back up and put it on a shelf. "Perhaps get a job, save up some money and rent a place to sleep."
"I used the last of my money to buy food and supplies for the kid, un," Deidara yelled as he finally got up to comfort the infant back to sleep. "Do you have any idea how much this kid shits? So. Much. Shit."
Sasori had a feeling he knew with how much because he had to deal with Deidara's shit lately.
"I have things to do today and don't need the two of you as a distraction," Sasori said as he went to his kitchen to make breakfast. Deidara followed with the calmed baby who was looking around the house in a daze.
"Like what? Pick out gray hairs, un?" The look on Sasori's face made Deidara rethink his statement, "Or not, I'm sure you're a very busy man, but can't you just let us stay here until the weather gets better, man?"
Sasori began getting vegetables ready for a soup and he saw Deidara's eyes drawn to it. Or at least one of them, as his left eye was obscured by a stupid amount of blond hair. "It's nearly winter, you think it's going to get any better?" Sasori questioned as he began chopping up the food.
Deidara looked at him again. "It could, un."
The rumble of thunder denied Deidara's hope and the young warlock looked pathetic, especially as his stomach growled. Ten minutes later Sasori wasn't sure why he let them stay, but he told himself it was so the baby wouldn't get sick and all of his effort went to waste.
After Deidara got Naoki back to sleep, Sasori had him clean the bathroom that he had ruined with a muddy puddles before they both had breakfast. Sasori had to make himself look away from Deidara so his appetite wouldn't be ruined as the blond was practically scarfing down the soup while shoving bread into his mouth.
As soon as that affair was done, Sasori had Deidara clean up from the preparation and meal and it wasn't like Deidara could protest or else Sasori would just kick him out. With that settled, Sasori went into his workroom to get to making new potions that he would sell, as that was how he made his living. That and making small puppets as toys, but he had few buyers as all the puppets he made had small compartments with hidden poisoned knives.
A few hours later, the baby began crying and he nearly yelled for Deidara to take care of it, but before he even did, he already heard Deidara rushing over to calm the child. Then it was silent expect for Deidara continuing to clean, until about lunch time when Sasori was getting a snack for himself. He saw Deidara rummaging through the bag that the parents had left with supplies, but it was beginning to look bare.
Deidara looked up, pale. "There's no more food for Naoki, un."
Sasori raised a brow. "Well, for this month, it isn't my problem." Ignoring Deidara's look, he asked, "How have you been feeding him up till now?"
Appearing sheepish, Deidara turned his attention to the child on the couch and said, "I was milking a cow at night while the farmer was asleep."
Sasori had to try hard not to laugh at how pathetic Deidara really was. How this warlock even made a living with magic, or even afforded it was a mystery to Sasori.
"Well you better figure something out fast because I'm not sure if he'll wait till nightfall," Sasori explained before heading to the kitchen for an apple to snack on. Deidara was quick on his heels.
"You can't help? This kid is technically yours too, you know, un?"
"Did you not hear me when I said that this month is not my problem?" Sasori said, cutting up the apple and that's when the crying began. Sasori ignored it, knowing that once Deidara had him that the kid would be quiet, but no such thing happened. No matter how much Deidara rocked and cooed, Naoki wouldn't quiet down and it was beginning to give Sasori a headache.
"Can you not just buy some milk?" Sasori questioned.
"I told you I spent all of the money I had on diapers for his shit, un," Deidara replied, loud enough to be heard over the crying.
"Well, you aren't welcome until he shuts up," Sasori said, grabbing the bags that Deidara brought in and shoving them in the bewildered blond's spare arm.
"You think he'll shut up if you make him go outside in the cold, un?"
"I'm sure you'll figure something out," Sasori said as he shoved them out and locked the door behind them. He watched Deidara walk away, clearly pissed and muttering away with the wailing baby, but afterwards there was only silence.
–
And like before the silence never lasted and Deidara was back the following night, looking even more worn down with the now screaming baby. "The cows were put away into the barn because of the cold, un," he explained and Sasori once more, begrudgingly, let them both back in.
Sasori knew that they would be back and expected the baby to still be hungry so he found a infant formula in one of his books to sate the child's hunger. And once more, he told himself this because he wasn't the child to live. As soon as he presented the formula to Deidara, the warlock looked so relieved before he began going through the baby bag to find the bottle.
As soon as the nipple touched the child's lips, his cries were silenced briefly and he cried some more until he finally began to latch on and suckle. At that, Deidara sighed in relief and slumped in a kitchen chair. "Thank the fucking gods, un."
"You should be thanking me," Sasori said, sitting down as well.
"Well, you kicked us out, so I'm not thanking you for jack shit," Deidara snarled and Sasori realized when Deidara was tired he was more prone to swear. "The kid was sucking on my pinky for an hour before he gave up began crying again, un."
Sasori assumed it was to assuage the child and he thought that the parents would have at least provided a pacifier as well. "I'm going to make a wild guess that you want to stay another night?"
"Unless you want this kid to get sick from the cold, yes," Deidara bit out.
Rolling his eyes, Sasori began making dinner that he knew Deidara would be participating in.
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