Writer: Hello and welcome to my newest atrocity. Will you join me in looking for the best fusion for Harry Potter? [baby seal eyes of doom (TM)] You will? Yay!

[Theme song music for Gilligan's Island begins to play in the background.]

Oh, just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,

A tale of a fateful boy

Who before they were killed by Voldemort,

Was his parents' pride and joy

His parents were quite a fearless team

Righteous, brave and sure.

They didn't know by the end of that day

That they would be no more, they would be no more.

The weather started getting rough,

they obviously lost,

If not for the courage of his fearless mum

Harry would've lost, Harry would've been lost.

He grew up in a Muggles' house before going to Hogwarts

With obviously himself

The Weasleys too,

The stuck-up rich boy and his ghouls,

Cho Chang

Professors and Mary Anne,

Here at Hogwarts School---

[Music abruptly stops as Hermione walks onto the scene.]

Hermione: Wait a minute here. My name is Hermione. [disgustedly] Not Mary Anne.

Ron: She makes a good point.

George: [wrinkles his nose.] That and the song is bloody awful.

Writer: [sighs] Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Fred: [grins] What time was this then? Perhaps you should have been sleeping like a good muggle.

Harry: [scratching his head, rather embarrassed] Look, maybe you should just stop. After all, there's already been a movie about me.

Hermione: [still miffed] What about my name?

Snape: [making his usual emergence from out of nowhere] Shut up, the lot of you. My name wasn't even mentioned in that tripe. I'm a bigger part of the books than Mrs. Granger and the Weasleys.

Writer: Okay. Okay. I'll try something else.

Harry: [groans]

[The music in the background swells as the curtain to the fan fic closes and reopens to a Christmas scene with a bunch of little first years gathered around the tree in the Great Hall singing:]

First-years:

Harry. Harry. Harry.

Look what you've done for us.

Harry. Harry. Harry.

Turned on the fun for us.

Since you came out way----

[Music abruptly stops. Harry comes out looking even more embarrassed wearing a hideous red Lil' Orphan Annie dress followed by Fluffy who has three large red bows around his three necks, and Dumbledore in a wheelchair.]

Harry: Look, ummm, we don't like this idea any better really.

Fluffy: [growls and nods his heads]

Dumbledore: Who is this Roosevelt muggle-fellow anyway?

Writer: What happened to Snape?

Snape: [from offstage] I absolutely refuse. I would never adopt a vile boy like Potter. Let alone let them call me daddy or say they loved me.

Harry: [shudders] Ggrrrrrrooooosssss!!!! You didn't say anything about that. Bad enough I'm wearing this bloody dress.

McGonagall: [comes out in an ugly flowered dress] You skipped my horrible number though for which I am forever grateful. Imagine me a disgusting, badly dressed woman who hates children.

Dumbledore: [hides a chuckle]

Writer: [a tad defeated] Okay. So Lil' Orphan Harry was a flop. [brightly] We'll just try something else.

Harry: Listen, I think the point we're trying to make is---

[Harry gets yanked off the fan fic as the curtain closes again.]

[The familiar tune of the Indiana Jones theme song is heard as Harry rides past looking

miserable on a broom wearing a fedora and carrying a whip.]

Ron: Hold on a minute. I protest for Hermione's sake.

[Theme music fades away]

Harry: [sighs with relief]

Hermione: [comes out in a red sequined dress that was worn in Indiana Jones and the

Temple of Doom (TM) looking quite lovely] What?

Ron: She'll make a bloody fool of herself. [looks pleased with himself hoping Hermione will be thankful from being spared a large role in this attempt at a fusion.]

Hermione: [snarls and hits him in the face.] You ruined my dance number!

Harry: [takes off the fedora and shakes his head]

Writer: Errr...perhaps something less violent.

Snape: [once again appearing from no where.] Perhaps something not about Potter. There

are other characters in those books you know.

Writer: Alright.

Harry: [glares at Snape as he walks away]

[Scene shifts to that of a waterfall in a forest and moves towards Hogwarts into Snape's dungeon as soft twinkling music plays in the background.]

Narrator: [a disembodied voice] Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a bitter, middle-

aged Potions master who lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired---

Snape [interjects] Now that is nonsense. I'm not even the Professor of the Dark Arts.

Narrator: Do you mind? Anyway, the man was hideous, sarcastic, moody, selfish, and unkind.

Snape: [nods and crosses his arms]

Narrator: But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold.

Old Woman: [Holds up a rose to Snape as he stands at the doorway to Hogwarts.]

Snape: [takes the rose and walks back inside] Thanks. [He slams the door in her face and goes back down to his dungeon and begins to make a potion.]

Narrator: Err....ummm....Irritated by his...err.....rudeness and unpleasant disposition, the old woman revealed herself as a beautiful enchantress and magicked herself into the dungeon.

Beautiful Enchantress: [says rather sulkily with hands on her hips.] You were quite rude.

Snape: [continues to make his potion without looking up] Don't sound so surprised.

Narrator: [sighs] Well....because he was so very....unpersonable and mean, she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast.

[Wave of Beautiful Enchantress' wand, Snape becomes a very puppy-like beasty thing with horns and a long fluffy tail.]

Narrator: Next, she placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there. [Fred and George appear and turn into a clock and a candelabra respectively] Ashamed of his monstrous form---

Snape: [cocks his head to one side.] Ashamed? Why on earth would I be ashamed? I'm a hideous beast. [His tails wags and his glares at it] Well, mostly.

Narrator: I see your point. Hmmm....well, anyway, [ahems] Indifferent though the beast was to his plight, the rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his sixty-first year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. Which was very likely, for who could ever learn to love a beast?

Snape: [smirks showing his fangs, but it's not nearly as sardonic as he thinks it is.] Thankfully, no one.

Fred: [scratches wooden head with the golden ornamentation on the clock] Ummm....does this mean I'm going to be a bloody clock forever?

George: [shrugs with his candle-holder arms.] Could be worse. At least you're not a ruddy candelabra.

[Teacup comes out wearing glasses and with a small lightening-bolt shaped crack in it.]

Harry: [You guessed it. he's the teacup.] Or a teacup.

G&F: [snicker]

[Scene shifts to the rest of Hogwarts. Hermione appears dressed in Belle's blue dress and white apron, a large tome in her hands.]

Hermione: [singing]

Hogwarts, it's a quiet castle.

Every day, like the one before

Little school, full of little children

Waking up to say---

Sirius: [bursts in on the scene and Hermione glares at him] Hold everything! First of all, I

should get to be the beast. Second of all....it's disgusting.

Lupin: [following close behind him] I'm the werewolf here.

Hermione: [whining] I was this close to being a main character.

Snape: [bounds on the scene thinking he looks particularly ominous whereas in truth, he looks like a puppy that just finished chasing a frisbee. He is followed by a clock, a candelabra, and a teacup.] What is the meaning of this? This is actually a good idea. I'm a hideous beast!

Lupin: [bursts out laughing] Awww..that's so cute!

Sirus: I don't think you read ahead, Hermione. [hands her a copy of the script]

Snape: [confused, tries to bite Lupin's hand as Lupin bends down to pet him.] What on earth are you doing? [glares up at him.]

Lupin: [chuckles some more before pulling out a pocket mirror]

Snape: [takes it rather clumsily into his paws. growls at his face.] What? I'm not hideous at all!!!!!!

Lupin: [falls to the floor laughing hysterically]

Snape: [glares at him]

Fred: [hops over in clock-form]Soooo...we're not going to be various household appliances for good then?

Lupin: [laughs even harder]

Hermione: [has been reading the script and turning first crimson and then a sickly shade of green] No [said very quietly] I refuse.

Lupin: [manages to regain his composure.]

Snape: [sighs. looks over at Sirius and Hermione before bounding over.] Now what?

Lupin: [bursts into laughter once more.]

Harry: [in a small, cute unhappy voice.] I'm tired of being a teacup....

Writer: [sighs and pats Teacup-Harry] Fine, fine....I must admit this was one of my poorer ideas.

Ron: [hops on the scene as a feather duster.] Of all your poor ideas so far, this is one of them.

Sirius: [joins Lupin in laughing at the lot of them.]

Writer: [ponders what to do next after turning Snape and the others back into themselves.] Hmmm... let's try this out instead.

[Scence changes to that of a small English countryside.]

Narrator: After finding his first snitch-a-mon ever: Wigamon, Harry Potter continues on his quest to seek all of the world's Snitch-a-mon and become the world's greatest Snitch-a-mon finders.

Annoying male singer: SNITCH-A-MON Gotta seek 'em aaaaalllllllllll!!!!!!!

Harry: [dressed as Ash with the silly blue vest and backwards red cap. scratches head.] Is he going to sing that a lot?

To Be Continued

So what lies in store for the tortured cast of Harry Potter? Stay tune for the next part of this exciting fan fic. :]