Synopsis: Chiyo has her friends take an IQ test. Not original, I know. I stole this idea from an episode of Everyone Loves Raymond, but the plot is all mine.

Azumanga Tales: Standard Deviation

It was raining outside.

By some remarkable coincidence, Yomi, Tomo, Chiyo, Kagura, Osaka, Sakaki, and Kaorin were stuck waiting out the storm in their classroom.

Well, coincidence and the fact that Tomo had sold their umbrellas to the other students for an easy profit.

While Yomi demanded that Tomo buy her a new umbrella or at least give her a share of her newfound wealth, the other girls were doing their own things.

Osaka was pressed up against the window, not daring to blink in fear that she would miss seeing a single drop of rain fall.

Sakaki was doodling kittens in her notebook and was having an enjoyable time of it, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched.

Kaorin, of course, was doing the watching.

Kagura just sat back, amused at the antics of her friends.

Chiyo had mentioned something about the computer lab and had left about ten minutes before.

"I'm bored!" Tomo suddenly whined.

"Perhaps if someone hadn't sold our only means of getting home not drenched, you wouldn't have this problem," Yomi said through gritted teeth.

"Are you still on that?" Tomo asked in amazement. "You have to learn to live in the present, Yomi! With your depressingly dull life, it's your only hope!"

"I'm not dull!" Yomi protested.

Tomo leaned her head against her elbow and took on an exaggeratedly bored expression. "Hello, my name is Yomi and this is my life. I wake up, go to school, then go home and sleep. School, school, school. Diet, diet, diet. How could I possibly spice up my ultra-exciting life? I know! I'll do a report on dieting!"

Yomi sputtered incoherently for a few seconds, trying for a comeback. When logic failed her, she fell back on a rote response. "Moron! What do you know?"

"I bet I know more than you!" Tomo yelled, her competitive nature rising within her.

"Ha!"

Before this could degenerate into the usual name-calling and face pulling, Chiyo came back into the room carrying a stack of papers.

"Hey, guys," she piped. "I found this IQ test online and I thought it'd be fun if we all took it."

"I don't know. That seems to be the complete opposite of fun…" Tomo complained.

"Come on!" Chiyo pouted. "I really want to see how everyone does. I'll treat everyone to ice cream afterwards."

Chiyo passed out the papers and the girls collectively shrugged. The level of enthusiasm was still low, but it wasn't like there was anything else to do.

"What does the winner get?" Tomo demanded.

"There aren't really any winners…" Chiyo began before noticing the expectant look on the wild girl's face and giving up. "I buy an extra scoop of ice cream for whoever scores the highest."

"Now we're talking!" Tomo jumped into her seat and began scribbling.

Osaka fell asleep right on top of her test about ten minutes in. Kagura looked like she wanted to join the flighty girl and Kaorin couldn't keep her eyes on her paper. It was impossible to tell how Sakaki felt, but that was nothing new.

Yomi absently chewed her lip as she carefully filled out the test. She may not have been getting graded for this, but that was no reason not to do well.

"Psst! Yomi, what'd you get for number fifteen?"

"Moron..."


"I have the scores!" Chiyo said excitedly, skipping back into the room.

"Chiyo-chan, I know that this contest is just for the rest of us, but what was the score you received?" Yomi asked.

Chiyo blushed then she meekly told her score.

There was a stunned silence.

Then Tomo and Kagura gave each other a nod and began pushing Chiyo out of the room.

"Get out, you know-it-all! We don't want your kind here!" Tomo cried.

"You mean the smart kind?" Yomi asked dryly.

"That's right!"

Chiyo's voice came in from the hallway, unflustered by her friends' strange and entirely unsurprising behavior. "Come into the hall one at a time and I'll tell you your score."

"Screw that!" Tomo yelled. "I want to know who I'm better than! Come back in here!"

An audible sigh was heard from the hallway, then the little redhead walked into the room.

"Okay, I'll tell everyone how they ranked, but I'm keeping the scores private. If you want to share them with each other, that's your business," Chiyo said seriously. "Is everyone fine with that?"

Everyone nodded, recognizing the gravity of the situation. Even Tomo.

Satisfied that everyone was listening to her, Chiyo brightened and got into the spirit of things. Raising her arms and her voice, she said dramatically, "Welcome to the first Mihama IQ Competition! Only one person will win a double-scoop ice cream cone, but remember that there are no losers here-"

There was a cough from Yomi that sounded suspiciously like, 'Tomo.'

"In last place is Ayumu Kasuga, or as we call her, Osaka!" Chiyo cried. She gently slid the test under the still slumbering girl's arm.

"Next is Kagura!"

"Feh," Kagura said, leaning back in her chair, not really caring.

"In fourth place is Sakaki and in third place Kaorin!"

"There must be some mistake! Miss Sakaki's way smarter than me! I demand a rescore!"

Almost everyone looked strangely at Kaorin.

Yomi was staring at her best friend. "I'm impressed, Tomo. I'd never dreamed that you could make second place on an IQ test."

"Uh, Yomi," Chiyo interrupted, sounding embarrassed and a little bewildered. "Tomo didn't get second place. You did."

Yomi's brain ground to a halt, unable to process this new input.

The girls who had been watching Kaorin profusely apologize to Sakaki slowly turned their heads.

"I won?" Tomo asked in disbelief. Then she immediately caught herself. "Uh, of course, I won. I never expected otherwise."

"What... the... hell..." Yomi mumbled.

Oblivious to danger as always, Tomo smacked Yomi on the back and said, "There's no shame in losing to me. I'm naturally gifted after all."

Tomo had the strangest sensation that Yomi's glasses were gleaming menacingly at her as Yomi turned to face her.

The Takino girl chuckled nervously then she ducked behind Chiyo.

Yomi's attention turned to the diminutive girl, who involuntarily took a step back.

"Are you okay, Yomi?" Chiyo squeaked.

"She's smarter than Me! Idiot Tomo is SMARTER than ME!" Yomi shouted with a crazed look in her eyes. "How is this possible!"

"You don't have to sound so surprised," Tomo grumbled.

Chiyo spread her hands helplessly. "I guess she was just properly motivated. That's how she got into this school in the first place. She got in because you told her she couldn't. She might be lazy, but she has to be intelligent." Showing how rattled she was, she continued, "I mean, it's not like she's Kagura and is here for her athletics."

"Yeah!" Kagura agreed. Then she thought about it. "Wait a minute…"

"How do you explain Osaka then?" Kaorin asked.

Everyone turned and looked at the sleeping girl.

"I guess she's the exception that proves the rule," Chiyo replied hesitantly. She didn't think her friend was dumb, but by conventional standards, it was hard to figure out how the girl got in their school.

Tomo piped up, "I think we're all forgetting the important thing here. That I, Takino Tomo, am a certified genius! You may all now bask in my glory."

Yomi mechanically turned toward the doorway. "Excuse me while I go throw myself off the roof."

At this moment, Osaka woke up and stretched out her arms. After giving a huge yawn, she rubbed her eyes and asked, "What did I miss?"

It was Sakaki, surprisingly enough, that answered. "It appears that Tomo is smarter than Yomi."

Osaka nodded sagely. "Didn't everyone know that?"

That brought some life back to Yomi as she seemed to teleport across the room and started shaking the girl. "What do you mean, didn't everyone knew that? This baka has never shown any signs of intelligence or even brain activity! She copies off my homework every day and has bombed every test we've taken since school started!"

Tomo seemed unfazed by this. "Why don't you tell us how you really feel?"

"So what you're saying is that Tomo never has to do her homework herself and she still gets passing grades because she copies off you and she doesn't get stressed out about tests unless they really matter? Tomo really is smart!" Osaka exclaimed.

Yomi became as still as stone.

Tomo walked up behind her and looked the frozen Yomi over. Then she turned to Osaka and informed her, "I think you broke her."


The ice cream party was rescheduled for the weekend since no one thought it was a good idea for Yomi and Tomo to be in the same room for the rest of the day.

There was also the hope that Tomo would be satisfied with her victory and would not feel the need to flaunt it to everyone she knew.

It wasn't absolutely impossible for hell to freeze over after all.

But the furnaces of the netherworld must have continued to burn all night because on Tuesday morning, Tomo was anything but modest.

"You certainly look... nice today, Tomo," Chiyo said uncertainly.

Tomo gave the younger girl a thumbs-up and grinned widely. She had come to school dressed as a stereotypical preppie nerd. She had a sweater tied around her neck, a pocket protector full of pens, and she was wearing a pair of frames that were missing their lenses.

"Hey, those are my backup pair!" Yomi cried. She glared at Tomo through bloodshot eyes.

Tomo peered at her over the top of her glasses. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Miss Mizuhara."

"Why the hell do you have a British accent?"

"The workings of the highly developed mind can be quite puzzling, can they not?" Tomo replied airily.

Yomi put her hand to her face and groaned.

"Hey, Yomi," Tomo said, dropping the accent. "I need to copy your homework before class begins."

Yomi whipped her head around with a wide smile. "I'm sorry, Tomo, but I didn't do my homework."

"What?"

"Since you're so smart, I was planning to copy off you from now on!" Yomi smiled triumphantly, with the confidence that only the truly sleep-deprived could possess.

Tomo looked aghast.

"Aha!" Yomi crowed. "Who's the genius now?"

"Neither of us?" Tomo suggested.

"Exactly!"

"But I'm still smarter," Tomo pointed out.

"Grr." Yomi slammed her fist on Tomo's desk. "I demand we take another test! I wasn't really trying the first time."

Tomo looked sadly at her friend. "Yomi, yomi, you're such a hypocrite. You're always telling me not to challenge people who are better than me. And look at you now, challenging your mental superior."

Yomi gave an inarticulate cry of rage and lunged at Tomo.

The rest of the day wasn't much better. Tomo simply wouldn't stop raising her hand in class.

"1492! Emc2! Mitosis! The Spice Girls!"

Yukari smiled sweetly at her. "Tomo, I'm glad you're taken such an interest in learning, but can you do one thing for me?"

Tomo nodded eagerly.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Yukari roared.

"So the answer's not mitosis?" Tomo asked weakly.

The class groaned.


When school finally broke out for the day, Yomi grabbed Tomo's arm and dragged her to the back of the room. Chiyo and the others followed.

Yomi looked mad enough to combust. She yelled at Tomo, "You must have cheated! Somehow, someway."

"You really think I'm an idiot," Tomo said in wonder.

"What was your first clue, Einstein?" Yomi sneered.

Tomo sighed. "You should be glad that I'm such a generous and forgiving soul. If it means so much to you, you can be the smarter one. I don't mind. But we'll both know the truth of your idiocy."

It took both Sakaki and Kagura to hold the bespectacled girl back.

Chiyo's voice broke through the melee. "Osaka, I think the joke's gone far enough."

Everybody froze.

"Care to explain that?" Kagura asked.

Chiyo shifted uncomfortably. "Tomo didn't really score higher than Yomi. It was a joke."

"Aww, I'm not smarter than Yomi?" Tomo pouted. Then she shrugged. "Easy come, easy go. Being smart is too much work, anyway."

"How could you do such a horrible, horrible thing, Chiyo-chan?" Yomi asked, unable to believe the sweet child could have done such a traumatizing thing.

"I didn't want to do it," Chiyo said. "But Osaka had a dream for a practical joke and she convinced me to pull it off for her."

"How did she do that?" Sakaki wondered.

"Wait, this is Osaka's idea? But she's an idiot!" Tomo protested.

"Takes one to know one," Yomi said, smiling, satisfied that the world somewhat made sense again.

Chiyo ignored the commentary and turned to Sakaki. "She said that if I didn't help her with this joke, then she'd have to carry out another joke she'd dreamt up by herself."

"What was that?" Sakaki asked.

Chiyo turned pale and shivered. She whispered shakily, "It involved Miss Yukari's car."

"Ohhh," the girls chorused.

The whole time Osaka simply stood there with a wide smile. When the other girls turned to her, she gave a slight start and said, "Oh, there was something I was supposed to say... Oh, yeah! Gotcha!"

Everybody simply stared at Osaka, flabbergasted for a moment. But her joy at her accomplishment was contagious and the other girls couldn't help but smile back.

"That was quite impressive," Sakaki said.

Tomo wiped a fake tear from her eye. "I'm so proud of you!"

"I suppose it was a little funny," Yomi said, very grudgingly.

"I never knew Osaka could be so clever," Kaorin said.

"I should have known better," Yomi said, shaking her head. "Tomo is dumber than a box of bricks."

"Hey!" Tomo protested.

"I guess that makes Osaka the smartest one here," Kagura said thoughtfully.

Yomi thought this over then shrugged. "At least it's not Tomo."

"Double hey!"


AN: I pick on Tomo because I know she can take it. Or was I picking on Yomi? It's a little unclear really. Anyway, watch out for more Azumanga Tales!