Chapter 1: Enduring
"What?!" Cullen could not help but say incredulously.
"Save him" said Inquisitor Elliana Lavallen standing over the map of the Tevinter Empire which she had moments before struck a dagger into.
"Solas was our friend. He IS our friend. I will not seek to mobilize against him with the intent to destroy him. We must save him from himself".
Cullen stayed silent as Cassandra nodded in agreement and Lilianna began discussing the pitfalls of working within the same framework as the now disbanded Inquisition. Although furious, Cullen's mind immediately began targeting obstacles to the Inquisitor's plan as well as possibilities in overcoming them. He jolted internally, moving his mind away from collaboration with the Inquisitors intentions, his thoughts rolling over the thought of How? How can she still see the good in him after everything he has done to her?
He pondered this as he appraised the beautiful inquisitor across the table. The Dalish elf who he knew not only lost an arm with Solas' revelation, but a piece of who she really was. He had been the one to find her inside the Eluvian. When her companions who had joined her on the mission to disrupt the Qunari plat had returned to the Winter Palace, they had been frenzied with concern for Elliana's safety. Cole frantically approaching Cullen "She went in and I …I cannot sense her. I cannot help her there, she is far far away". They all had returned to the Eluvian in which the Inquisitor had stepped through, but no one had been able to follow. It appeared to be blocked by some unknown force. In moment of frustration he had slammed his fist against the mirror, but instead of impacting the surface, which had been the case for everyone who tried to pass through prior, Cullen stumbled through the mirror into courtyard full of petrified Qunari.
Cullen had only a moment to gaze upon the sight of the stone forces of the Qun before he spotted a figure stumbling towards him from the crest of a crumbling staircase. The figure lurched forward, appearing to be clutching at their chest and then suddenly collapsed as they reached the base of the stairs. Cullen charged forward as he recognized the dark hair which obscured Inquisitor's face. She had been far away and as rushed towards her his heart sank with dread. He could now see that she had not been clutching her chest but the stump of her left arm, which was bleeding profusely. Kneeling down, Cullen immediately placed a tourniquet on the ravaged appendage and once he was assured that she would not immediately bleed to death he looked at her face. Maker please let her be breathing, he thought as he gently brushed the tendrils of hair away. She was so pale, obviously in shock from the loss of her arm as well as the loss of blood.
"Elliana! Elliana can you hear me?!" She responded rolling her head towards his voice and opening her piercing ice blue eyes. This was the only time she had ever looked at him and he had not been frozen by the clear direct gaze of the Inquisitor. Instead her eyes were glazed and brimmed with tears. She softly murmured "I knew it. I think I knew it at the Winters Palace…"
"Shhh shhhh, don't try and speak Inquisitor. I have you", he said as he gathered her in his arms. She was so slight that it took almost no effort to sweep her off the stone surface. Again she murmured that she knew it, her head lolling back in his arms. He began to return to the Eluvian, praying that it did not lock them out of Thedas forever. Trying to be reassuring he gathered her closer, gently saying "I don't know what happened, but you're safe now". She looked up at him suddenly, her eyes full of sorrow and despair while at the same time barely lucid. Those eyes that he had often felt shaken to his core now expressed such hurt and longing he felt his own heart break. She stared at him for a moment and then uttered one word before completely loosing consciousness within his arms. A word that was able to communicate her sorrow, her loss both physically and emotionally. A word that instantly explained everything that had transpired. A word that had tormented him from the moment he had heard the elven apostate refer to her as such.
"Vienan".
Now he stood across from her, listening to his comrades beginning the initial strategy in order to "save" Fen'Harel, the apparent elven god who was intending on destroying all of Thedas. The man who had left her wounded and bleeding within the crossroads. Left her heart broken and confused in Crestwood. Who had discarded her, once she had served his purposes in defeating Coryphaeus.
When he had received her request to join her in the ruins of Haven, he immediately left the Templar retreat he had established the months following the Inquisition disbanding. He knew that the meeting was more than likely to plan some sort of retaliation against the betrayer Solas. Nevertheless his heart swelled with excitement at seeing Elliana again and he had hoped that her heart had hardened against the mage. It quickly sank when he first clasped eyes on her. She was thin, waifish, and pale although still beautiful. She would always be beautiful to him. But her face showed none of the strength, warmth and determination of the woman he had followed within the Inquisition. Seeing her like this only further his wrath and anger against the elf Solas, Fen'Harel as they called him and he relished the thought of mobilizing his comrades in destroying him. So when her statement about redeeming the Dread Wolf was put forth, he could nothing but stand still in shock.
He knew the company would agree with her compassionate intentions. Not only would they trust her intuition in this matter, but they had over the many months establishing the Inquisition, developed each their own type of regard for the apostate. His own anger at her proposition seethed over feelings he had dared not fully explore. Feelings of longing that had begun to take root in Haven. That had grown as he had watched her start as a confused overwhelmed prisoner and become a fierce leader who inspired hope and trust in the people that joined their cause. After the destruction of Haven and their relocation to Skyhold, his desire for her had only grown stronger and less bearable. He had finally come to the decision that he would tell her how he felt. He spent days walking the battlements going over what he might say to her. She was after all the Herald of Andraste, savior of all of Thedas. Telling such a woman that you, the Commander of her army, were madly in love with her was no easy matter.
But there was no help for it, more and more his feelings for her became evident to everyone save Elliana herself. Lilianna especially made several remarks, subtly encouraging him to share his "innermost thoughts on her qualities". Furthermore, He was unable to focus on his duties, the raven hair and piercing ice blue eyes of the Dalish huntress catching him off guard. When she went on a mission he would constantly be looking at the gates, praying for her safe return. When she did return and shortly after casually stop by the tower which he had made his personal headquarters, he could not find the words he had practiced so diligently. And yet constantly he imagined running his hair through her lustrous locks, unfastening it from her usual long braid that ran down her back. He could not look at her without thinking about tracing his thumb over her delicate jaw line. Crushing her lips with his own. Placing his hands around her narrow waist and pulling her toward him.
And so he decided to go to her quarters and confess his feelings. Although unsure, he had been bolstered by the many conversations they had had over the past several months. The Inquisitor would often ask about his life, family and past history. She had supported him when he chose to cease using lyrium, placing her hand against his chest and earnestly telling him she cared for him. And there were many moments in which he was fairly sure she was flirting with him, almost as if she was drawing him out, waiting for him to make clear his interest.
Deciding that he needed to come to her rather than be caught unprepared by one of her visits, he had walked up to stairs towards her personal quarters. As he slowly crested the stairs the image came into view of Elliana on the balcony embraced in the arms of Solas the mage apostate. His throat constricted as he watched the elven man slowly run his hands down the length of her slender back, a caress that Cullen himself had imagined himself doing countless times. He quickly turned around, his hands balling into fists as he fought every urge not to disrupt the two lovers and pull Solas away from her and throw the smaller man against the stone wall. As he turned he only heard the words "Ar lath ma Vienan", recognizing the elvish phrase of endearment.
The image of the two elves embracing prevented him from sleeping at all that night and he remained by the fire, trying not to imagine Solas leading the Inquisitor to the bed…touching her….kissing her…undressing her. Over the next few days he tried to find any distraction, including beating the hell out of several new recruits in the practice field. He was surprised when Dorian approached him with an offer to play a game of chess. Although Cullen had felt that his composure had not belied his internal turmoil, the Tevinter mage gave him a number of knowing glances that led Cullen to believe he was not as hard to read as he thought. It was just as the game ended that the Inquisitor had approached them. He held his breath, trying with all his might to continue the presentation of a loyal commander and friend. Before he knew what he was doing he had asked her to join him in a game. He could not say if it was her skill or the distraction of her close proximity that cost him the game but she had won over him easily. Even now he galled at his response to her statement "We should spend more time together. Before he could think about it, his anger bubbled up inside him and he blurted "Wouldn't you rather be spending your time with Solas?" She had blinked surprised as the acknowledgment of her relationship with the elf mage, but then quickly composed herself "Yes, of course, but we can still be friends". How long had he waited for such an opportunity. It had almost been as if she had purposely provided him the opening, and instead he might as well have pushed right into the mage's arms.
Now years later, he stood across from her. It had been two years that he watched her throw herself into the work of the Inquisition after Solas had left. She had smiled little, laughed almost never and no longer visited him in the tower. When Solas left her she had become a ghost of the woman she was before. His jealously of Solas had only been overcome by his despair over what the other man had done to the woman Cullen loved. His anger and resentment towards the mage burned and hardened into a deep core within him. One that was now flaming in a deep seeded fury, a cold painful anger that now washed over him as he looked at Elliana Lavallen.
He broke out of his reverie of hurt and anger. Looking around the room he knew that his blunt statement had been the only betrayal of his anger. The group at the table did not appear to be aware of his of his outrage. Slowly his eyes rose until they were level with the Inquisitor. She met his gaze full on responding to Lilianna's statement regarding Solas' familiarity with the inner circle.
"We shall have to meet new friends then. Solas must not know we are collaborating to stop him. The first step will be to locate his agents. We also must find out why the destruction of Thedas is necessary to his plan to restore the elven world of old. He would not discuss that with me and it leads me to believe that is what is crucial to halting his attempts". She broke Cullen's gaze to meet those of their other companions. He was vaguely aware that Josephine was saying:
"We will be unable to be seen gathering in the open. We must appear as if the inner circle of the Inquisition has disbanded from each other individually as well. Our operations will have to go underground". All nodded in agreement.
"I can continue my training of Harding, Charter and Rector. Although Solas is familiar with my methods he is unaware that they are under my tutelage, and they are surprisingly inventive and intuitive. I would also suggest that we develop a way of communicating that will not be deciphered by Fen'Harel agents. I have a few ideas but I will have to meet with Varric first". Lilianna said eliciting questioning glances from the table.
"I think I know someone who is an expert on secret underground secret societies and may be able to help us out" Elliana said with a half-hearted smirk, Cullen knew that she could only speaking of Sera and her Red Jenny organization.
"Although our friends have gone their separate ways, they each have the ability to be of use to us. I have been rebuilding the Seekers for this very purpose. We are still meager but are growing everyday" said Cassandra. "I know the Iron Bull's chargers grow as a force as well, I can invite him to the Seeker hold under the pretext of hiring them to help rebuild the keep. I will speak to him then about continuing to grow the ranks of the Chargers with trustworthy personnel. I know he will want to be a part of this".
"I have the agents of the House Repose at my call. I cannot be certain, but I am sure that Fen'Harel has not infiltrated their ranks. I will take the necessary steps to ensure he has not" Josephine said darkly. "I …ahem I also have been in contact with Blackwall, he continues his work redeeming the condemned and imprisoned. He has clearly indicated that many of them seek a cause to rally behind."
"And Dorian?" asked Cassandra
"He has his hands full in Tavinter, but has made many allies among the people, noble and common alike. He is a powerful ally and can easily move behind the scenes to support us, especially if we develop a communication system that will not be detected" replied Josephine.
Cullen looked over at Cassandra as she noticeably grimaced She's thinking of Vivianne. It was unspoken among those there that the Divine Victoria would not be approached in this endeavor.
"So we have the beginnings of a plan. I will seek out answers to what Solas is trying to do exactly and why, the knowledge from the Well of Sorrows should be beneficial in that regard. I can at least be helpful there" said Elliana unknowingly glancing down at her missing arm.
Imagining her journeying into ancient ruins alone, unable to fight using her weapon of choice, the bow and arrow, Cullen interjected."I have developed strong relationships with the Templars who have come to me to cease using lyrium. One in particular Roth, is a capable and trustworthy companion. I believe more could be recruited in our cause. I will leave that to Roth and join you in your search for answers Inquisitor, you will need the support". Elliana nodded in agreement and the group mirrored her.
Of course they are ready to follow her; they will always be ready to follow her. She brought them from the brink of destruction and back Cullen thought and so well I maker take me. I would follow her anywhere even though her heart belongs to another.
She had never opened up to anyone about what happened between her and Solas, although all were vaguely aware that there had been a romantic attachment between the two. It was only Cullen who had seen the devastation and despair that Solas' revelation as the Dread Wolf had left her in. It was Cullen who had picked up half dead and bleeding. And now she wanted to redeem Solas rather than strike out against directly. The thought made him sick.
The meeting concluded and the Inquisitor once more met Cullen's eyes stating only "To work" before turning and exiting out the dungeon door. Cullen slowly inhaled, trying to curb his feelings of overwhelming anger with each breathe. No he thought. I will not stay silent this time.
He found himself himself charging after her, closing the door to the dungeon room in which they were meeting and following her down the darkly lit hallway. She turned the corner ahead of him, but not before glancing over and seeing him stalking after her. "Inquisitor!" his voice boomed within the walls. She quickly turned away and disappeared around the corner. He sped his gait and rounded the corner to see her continue to walk ahead. "Inquisitor!" he boomed, causing her only to walk more quickly.
She had heard him. She knew Cullen well enough to know that when she made her intention to redeem Solas he would disapprove immensely. She could not face his anger, his disappointment. She was aware of what fueled his pursuit of her down the hallway. He of all people knew the pain and loss that her lover's betrayal had cost her and she had been prepared this reaction. She understood that he would try to sway her with reason and the authorative directness that she so highly valued in him. Cullen would never place his own feelings above the wellbeing of others and she was afraid that the Commander would tear down her resolve to save her lover. In truth she was ashamed. Ashamed of what Solas had done to her. Ashamed that despite that she still loved him. That she had offered to follow him and to support his cause to restore the elven people. If Cullen caught up with her now, she would not be able to hide her desperation and desire or the fact that the mission to redeem the Dread Wolf was less than about the salvation of Thedas, but more about saving her love. She could not bear letting Cullen see her weakness and regret.
And so she walked faster as he charged after her. She heard his hard footsteps drawing closer and closer. Her heart clenched in her chest at the thought of facing this man. This man who she once felt deep longing for, before being drawn into the dream world of the fade with Solas. A world in which he had regaled her with stories of her lost culture as he claimed he learned from spirits of the fade. When Solas left it was only the immense undertaking of the Inquisition that had kept her from disappearing into the wilderness with the hopes that it would swallow her. That and the hopes that one day, he would come back to her. She could not allow Solas to destroy her world, but she could not deny that she would at almost any cost try to change his heart. This enduring loyalty to him only wavered when she met the golden eyes of the Commander and she could not face his disappointment in her, a man as honorable as him would not understand.
Her gait was interrupted by the large muscular hand which seized her good arm and whirled her around to face Cullen.
"Have you forgotten!? That he left you there, bleeding, dismembered, probably to die?" Cullen growled pulling Elliana in close to his face.
She tried to back away from him but his large frame forced her against the wall. For a moment she could not breathe. He was nearly a foot taller than her and almost a hundred pounds heavier. Although she was aware that she had a concealed dagger up her sleeve and that she could easily (well less easily one handed to be sure) slit his major arties with several dexterous moves she had perfected through her training as an assassin, she was at the same time all too aware of the power of his frame as it backed her up against the wall. She could feel the cold press of his armor against her chest, while at the same time the warmth of his leather leggings as his legs pushed up against her own. For a moment neither one of them breathed as Cullen held the small elven woman's arm, brows furrowed as he appeared to attempt to read her innermost thoughts.
"I don't expect you to understand Cullen…" Elliana said sadly before being interrupted by Cullen.
"I don't understand?" he breathed. Then growled "I don't understand….?"
"I don't understand that you love Solas. That you would do anything to be with him? That you would follow him to ends of the Thedas and beyond? That you would defy the Maker and any other bloody elvish deities you believe in to be at his side? That you would follow him anywhere and do anything to make sure he was safe? To keep him from harm? To lead him to redemption? You don't think I understand that kind of enduring love?" He pressed harder against her his voice becoming more forceful and fervent, his gaze locking onto hers.
A small voice echoed from down the hall behind them "Commander? Is that you? We need you back at the table" Scout Harding called.
Cullen let Elliana go, backing up but still intently staring at her. "I understand completely" he said softly and then more formally "I will prepare to escort you on your journey when you are ready my lady. By your leave Inquisitor".
He turned heel and stalked back down the hallway, leaving Elliana Lavallen alone in the darkened corridor, the meaning behind his words hanging heavily in the air.
