I'm living in a world of lies

My whole personality is a façade

But I'm such a good actor

That my friends don't see

How much they hurt me everyday

With their stupid, fucked up prejudices

But if I gave in

And told them the truth about me

I would be killed for it

Because of those stupid, fucked up prejudices

Is it normal…

To love them, but despise them…

At the same time?

Because I do

I love them so much,

They are my only reason for living

Yet I have never hated anyone

More than them

And that makes me

More of a freak

Than I already am

An anomaly, a monster, a freak, different

People call me a fool or an idiot or stupid

Every single day

But I've never known anything else

Because I spent the first

Fourteen years of my life

Indoors because my mother did- still does-

Fears for my life

But I don't fear for my life

Because sometimes I wish it would end

So that their name-calling, and prejudices, and dependence

Would just stop and go away

My sister tells me in her letters

That she wishes we could be free

Because she's imprisoned for loving someone

And I tell her that I'm trying

But everything I do backfires

And I'm costing lives

How do I tell her that I'm a murderer?

As well as a freak of nature

They practically worship me

For my differences

Because they believe

With everything they have

That I can save them

But they don't understand that

I'm still a child, really,

With friends that beat me down

A sister I'm trying to save

A mother who I give all my money to

And a life that will go on forever

Because I am a coward

And my friends are right-

I'm a fool, an idiot, stupid, worthless and a coward

But they say it all jokingly

Even though I'm fairly certain

That that's how they feel

And that they really mean it

Yet I stay

When, if I wanted to,

I could burn it all

Them, my home, and the people around me

They would all die

And sometimes,

Late, late at night,

When I can't sleep because of the pain,

That thought brings me sick satisfaction

But I don't go through with it

Because I will have nothing

-Not that that's new-

But when they die- and they will die-

I will get everything

Because no one will be left to claim it

This much I know for certain

Maybe then I can be something more

Maybe then I will be okay

Maybe then I might just want to live


It's more of a fantasy-type Merlin. The one in my head, you know? Maybe I just needed to get that out...I'm not entirely sure. Either way, I know it's a little bit...off. Let me know what you think.