I'm living in a world of lies
My whole personality is a façade
But I'm such a good actor
That my friends don't see
How much they hurt me everyday
With their stupid, fucked up prejudices
But if I gave in
And told them the truth about me
I would be killed for it
Because of those stupid, fucked up prejudices
Is it normal…
To love them, but despise them…
At the same time?
Because I do
I love them so much,
They are my only reason for living
Yet I have never hated anyone
More than them
And that makes me
More of a freak
Than I already am
An anomaly, a monster, a freak, different
People call me a fool or an idiot or stupid
Every single day
But I've never known anything else
Because I spent the first
Fourteen years of my life
Indoors because my mother did- still does-
Fears for my life
But I don't fear for my life
Because sometimes I wish it would end
So that their name-calling, and prejudices, and dependence
Would just stop and go away
My sister tells me in her letters
That she wishes we could be free
Because she's imprisoned for loving someone
And I tell her that I'm trying
But everything I do backfires
And I'm costing lives
How do I tell her that I'm a murderer?
As well as a freak of nature
They practically worship me
For my differences
Because they believe
With everything they have
That I can save them
But they don't understand that
I'm still a child, really,
With friends that beat me down
A sister I'm trying to save
A mother who I give all my money to
And a life that will go on forever
Because I am a coward
And my friends are right-
I'm a fool, an idiot, stupid, worthless and a coward
But they say it all jokingly
Even though I'm fairly certain
That that's how they feel
And that they really mean it
Yet I stay
When, if I wanted to,
I could burn it all
Them, my home, and the people around me
They would all die
And sometimes,
Late, late at night,
When I can't sleep because of the pain,
That thought brings me sick satisfaction
But I don't go through with it
Because I will have nothing
-Not that that's new-
But when they die- and they will die-
I will get everything
Because no one will be left to claim it
This much I know for certain
Maybe then I can be something more
Maybe then I will be okay
Maybe then I might just want to live
It's more of a fantasy-type Merlin. The one in my head, you know? Maybe I just needed to get that out...I'm not entirely sure. Either way, I know it's a little bit...off. Let me know what you think.
