Dean Remained silent. He was still angry with me. It was obvious and I knew the reasons- for my lack of trust. I knew that. I didn't know how to make it better. He would never fully forgive me. It didn't matter, I couldn't forgive myself, how could I expect dean to?
We were sitting at the small kitchen table of the shoddy hotel we had managed to find nearby the woods where I fell. I looked down at my hands, folded neatly in my lap. Unaware. I felt disconnected from everything. It was probably the magnitude of my sins. I didn't know if this was normal. It probably was. I could Never be forgiven. All my brothers were dead. It was my fault. I was too trusting in the wrong people and not trusting enough in the right ones. Heaven was gone because of my actions. I can never wash this blood off my hands. What could I do?
"You should get some rest Dean."
It was obvious he no longer wanted to talk to me, he was just to polite to say so.
"Yeah, You should try to as well Cas"
Ha, yeah right, the image of heaven falling, ever-present would only become more vivid if I closed my eyes.
Later that night, Dean an Sam were both asleep. I sat on the edge of my bed, unable to sleep for obvious reasons. I didn't know if I couldn't sleep or I wouldn't let myself. I knew I was human. I was tired. I needed to sleep, but somehow I couldn't. I hated myself to much. This was all my fault. My brothers… I had to get out. Get some air. What had I done? This was all my fault. How did I screw up this badly? I couldn't handle it. I pulled open the door and walked out into the clear night air. The moon was almost full, so I had plenty of light. I began walking. I had no idea where I was going but I knew I had to get away. I didn't stop until I reached a small clump of trees slightly separate to the main forest. I walked in and leant against the trunk of one, sliding down until I crumped at it's base and stayed there, trying to prevent my tears from escaping. I was truly sorry for what I had done to heaven, my brothers… Dean. I could never redeem myself.
I stayed motionless for what felt like hours. But eventually I gave into myself. It seemed to help some people, I know it helped Dean. I drew a small blade from my pocket. I don't remember putting it in there. I ran my thumb along the edge, feeling the sharpness and stared at the blade glinting in the moonlight before placing it onto the inside of my forearm and pressing down. I paused, having never done this before, I didn't know what to expect, but I had seen Dean do it a few times, when I still had my 'angel mojo', and was fascinated as to whether or not it helped. I pulled the blade down sharply and gasped in surprise at the stinging sensation, which surprising helped me to focus . I moved the blade and opened several more cuts on my forearm, watching with interest as my blood dripped down my arm. The numbness I felt afterwards really did help. I now understood Dean's motive. I slid the blade again and again across my skin, willing myself to stop, but I couldn't, the hatred and self-loathing I felt was too much. I had found some form of release.
The physical pain I felt brought my guilt to the surface, and this time I couldn't stop them, I felt my tears welling up in my eyes again and spill out over the rims of my sleepless eyes and cut trails down my face. I wanted someone, Dean, to find me. I knew he didn't care, why would he? I basically told him I didn't trust him. I looked down at my arm, realising how much damage I had done, then decided I didn't care, I deserved worse than this. My arm throbbed. I wanted to die.
I didn't know what to say to Cas. I wasn't angry with him, I just didn't know how to tell him that I could forgive him. I wanted to say that he was fooled, and it wasn't his fault. I knew he would never believe me, but I wanted to make him know that I was here for him. I couldn't speak though. I saw him look away. Great, now he's upset with me and thinks I'm mad at him. Not mad. Just don't know what to say to a guy that has just been tricked into killing his entire family.
"You should get some rest Dean" Cas spoke lightly, avoiding having emotion in his voice
I wanted to say much more than I did
"Yeah, you should try to as well Cas"
I should have told him it wasn't his fault, and that he still had family in me and Sam, but I wasn't sure if he would accept that, probably more likely that he would think that I was mocking him.
Cas left the table and went to sit on his bed, I followed and layed down on mine. Sam was already asleep, who could blame him, the guy had nearly just slammed the gates to the pit. I know he's going to be in bed for a while.
I could still see Cas sitting on the edge of his bed with his face in his hands. I wanted to help him, console him, but I had not idea what to say or do to make him feel better. How do you console someone who has lost everything that they were?
I must have drifted off for a while because, when I woke, the first thing I noticed was that Cas was gone, and the second, that it was about 1 am. I made sure to check the whole motel room, which didn't take long, and unsurprisingly discovered that Cas was, in fact, not there. I dug out a piece of paper and scribbled a note to Sam along the lines of gone out to find Cas be back soon in case he did wake up, which I doubted. I dropped the note on my pillow and left the hotel room.
As I went to get into the Impala, I began to think of possible locations that Cas might be. It was unlikely that he was at a bar, so I began to look for likely walking routes to isolated spots, possibly at the edge of the forest. I knew he would want to be alone, but I didn't care, I was worried and felt like his current predicament was at least partially caused by my recent actions and behaviour towards him. I didn't mean to seem unfriendly and unforgiving, I just didn't know what to say to him.
I drove for hours, following different routes, stopping at some locations, getting out, checking, calling out to Cas. I was getting really worried when I passed a small clump of trees on the outskirts of the forest and puled over, wondering if Cas might be in there, I jumped out of the Impala, slammed the door and began walking towards them.
Please Review. as this is my first fic I need to know if i should keep writing or chop my fingers off. I have another chapter, which will be published tonight
