Author's note: I DO NOT OWN SOUTH PARK! SOUTH PARK IS OWNED BY MY HEROES MATT STONE AND TREY PARKER AND THIS FICTION IS PURELY FOR ENTERTAINMENT NOT PROFIT. ALSO ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS FICTION BOTH REAL AND FAKE ARE SPOOFED…POORLY. PLEASE ENJOY

Morgan Freeman: Within the Colorado Rockies lies a quaint little mountain town known as South Park. In this town lies a superhero organization of nine year olds known as Coon and Friends who put their lives on the line to protect the remote town. The superhero group consists of The Coon, Toolshed, Human Kite, Tupawear, Iron Maiden, Mosquito and my personal favorite, Mint-Berry Crunch but there is another. A hero who protected the town far longer than any other superhero, he is referred to as Mysterion. However unlike most of his superhero brethren he possesses an unnatural power…immortality and after defeating the dark lord Cthulhu alongside Mint-Berry Crunch he has become even more determined to discover why. This is the story of a hero determined to discover the truth…an immortal's quest to become mortal, one who brings light but has a dark secret. This is the story of…Mysterion.

Chapter 1: Resurrected Again

Kenny's P.O.V.

I awoke in my bed again after shooting myself in Cartman's basement. I felt the side of my head where the bullet had entered…nothing, absolutely nothing. My "power" makes little to no sense. It doesn't matter how brutal my death is, it doesn't matter how painful it is and it doesn't matter how I die I just comeback completely fine. No bullet holes or stab wounds, no burn marks or shattered bones, no decapitation or missing body parts, nothing and somehow, nobody remembers. Maybe it's just some horrible nightmare, maybe I'm in a coma at Hell's Pass hospital and this is just some sort of trauma I'm suffering…but it all feels so real. I-I can feel a spike going through my chest, I can feel myself being burned to death, I can feel being crushed under a block of cement and I can feel myself losing my life but nobody ever remembers, but me. It was unfortunately Monday which was a school day. I sighed before heading downstairs and putting two Cookies and Cream pop-tarts in the toaster…my breakfast.

"Hey Kenny"

I heard a voice call from the living room. I walk into the room to see my little sister.

"Hey Karen"

I replied as my parka muffled my speech as always. Another strange thing is I always wake up with my parka on even though I don't like sleeping with it on. Karen coughed violently.

"Are you ok?"

I asked while concern hit my face.

"Yeah I'm *cough* fine *cough* just need some cough drops"

She said as her eyes teared up from the constant coughing. I went over to put my hand on her forehead to see if she was sick but she stopped it.

"I'm fine Kenny *cough* really"

"I just wanna feel to make sure you're not sick"

"Kenny I'm fine I just need *cough* cough drops"

I tried doing it again but she stopped me.

"Stop Kenny I'm fine"

She could be so stubborn sometimes. That coughing was a little too violent to be considered a normal cough but she wasn't gonna let me do anything so I caved in.

"Ok fine I will grab some on my home from school for you but have mom or dad or Kevin check you please"

"Ok thank you" *cough*

I went into the kitchen ate my pop tarts, grabbed my backpack and headed towards the door while listening to Karen's very loud coughing. I left the house before telling Karen to make sure she has someone check to make sure she isn't sick and she nodded in response before I left. She coughed violently into her right hand before she looked at the blood that was left there….

Cut to the bus stop

"So then the white guy says to the jap "Maybe you should open your eyes Hahahaha"

"You are such a racist asshole Cartman"

"Fuck you Kyle, you Jewish douchebag"

My friends Kyle and Cartman bickered as I walked to stand next to Cartman, I made sure I kept a good distance from him.

"Hey Kenny you wanna hear a funny joke?"

I didn't respond as I was pissed at him already.

"Kinney"

"Do you think maybe he doesn't want to talk to you because of what you did yesterday?"

"What I do?"

"You teamed with the most evil thing in the galaxy and then banished us to a dark oblivion"

You hit the nail on the head Kyle.

"I told you I had to you guys turned evil"

"We didn't turn evil Cartman you were just pissed that we kicked you out of Coon and Friends"

"No I wasn't! You're superpowers turned you guys into evil supervillains and I had to stop you because for the sake of humanity!"

"HOW IS TEAMING UP WITH THE MOST EVIL THING IN ALL THE UNIVERSE FOR THE SAKE OF HUMANITY!"

"CTHULHU WASN'T THAT EVIL IF HE KILLED EVERYONE AT THE BURNING MAN FESTIVAL AND JUSTIN BIEBER!"

"He's got you there dude"

"Stan!"

"What, a lot of people want to kill Justin Bieber"

"Thank you Stan"

"That doesn't justify you using Cthulhu to kill hundreds of innocent people"

"Those hundreds of people died to make the world a better place Kahl!"

"No, they died because you thought killing them would make the world a better place"

"And it worked didn't it?"

"Dude I'm just glad Bradley saved us"

Damn it Stan

"Yeah it's crazy how head actually had superpowers"

"Fuck his superpowers they aren't even anything!"

"Yeah well they were enough to send your pet Cthulhu back to the dimension they came from so what do you have to say about that!

Cartman froze before he looked down and muttered.

"Fucking Mint-Berry fucking Crunch"

The bus finally showed up after what felt like ages and we got on it. Once again they don't remember that I died. They wouldn't have even gotten out of the Sunken City of R'lyeh if it wasn't for me but who cares? Honestly I should be a reincarnation of Jesus…what if I am?

Cut to school

I sat down in my seat with my head resting on my palm as the school bell rung and our teacher walked in the classroom.

"Ok children take your seats"

Mr. Garrison said even though we were already sitting down. Some 9 year stood next to him. He had black emo looking hair, a black hoodie with skull on it and black pants, black eyeliner, a necklace with a red Jewish star on it, fingerless black gloves, a spiked wrist band on each wrist and skin as white as the goth's.

"Boy somebody got beaten with the bad end of the drug addict stick"

I let my thought slip silently from my mouth as I thought with how quietly I spoke and my parka muffling it no one would understand but I heard laughing to my right.

"Excuse me Rebecca is something funny?'

Red was laughing?

"No Mr. Garrison"

She replied giggling

"Then do you mind saying quiet so I can introduce a new student. Ok children please give a warm welcome to Lucas Jones"

"I told you to call me Lucifer, mortal"

His voice was monotone yet dark.

"Ok well the only problem with that is that is the devil's name"

"Exactly"

Great just what South Park needs, a fucking sadist.

"Ok Lucas why don't you introduce yourself to the cl-"

He was cut off

"My name is Lucifer! Shall I summon Cthulhu and all of his evil deities to rain hell upon Earth! Darkness will fall and destroy the light of faith! Cthulhu will rise again and bring along thy demons to South Park, Colorado where they will enslave humanity for three-thousand years HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

It's Damien all over again.

"Ok children so it looks like we have a poet in our class how nice"

Lucas glared at him

"Ok so seeing that we don't have any available seats why don't you sit next Kenny? The kid with the orange parka"

His dark brown eyes met my blue ones, I saw nothing in those eyes but pure darkness and wrath. He must have saw something in mine to because he flinched.

"Very well"

He stated before taking his seat next to mine.

"Ok children so now we are gonna talk about the right age to be sexually attracted to John Stamos. Now I must mature way faster than others because I felt this in my early twos which is when I started watching Full House, but I believe the right age is-"

As Mr. Garrison talked I heard Lucas slowly chanting something.

"Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'yleh-"

"Excuse me Lucas do you feel the need to interrupt my class?"

Lucas glared at him again before saying

"You will be the first"

"The first for what?"

"You will see…."

"Ooookay then so now back to the lesson. If you find out you discover these feelings at around 9 months old that is in fact fine but-

I heard that laughing again

"I've had it up to here with the interruptions the next person that interrupts will be sent to Mr. Mackey's office!"

Red was trying hard not to burst out laughing and I'm not sure why?

"What is so funny Rebecca?!"

"Oh nothing I was just thinking of something funny"

She giggled once more. She really couldn't be laughing that hard at my joke could she?

"Then stop thinking about it so we may continue! Ok so if you start feeling attracted to Stamos at age 9 that is okay but the only problem is John Stamos isn't a child molester even though I wish he was"

I blocked out Garrison's stupid rambling and drew my attention to Lucas.

"What were you just saying?"

I ask, he didn't understand my muffled speech

"What do you want slave-to-be?"

"You said something about R'yleh what was it?"

"What?"

"I SAID-

"THAT'S IT I HAD IT WITH THE DISRUPTIONS THIS IS A SERIOUS SUBJECT NOW KENNY MCCORMICK HEAD TO MR. MACKEY'S OFFICE NOW!"

Figures, I got up and left the room. Mr. Garrison continued after I left.

"Okay so to demonstrate the lesson plan I brought in my John Stamos love doll"

Cut to Mr. Mackey's office

"M'kay Craig I've told you many times that flipping people the bird is bad M'kay and you shouldn't do it because that makes you bad M'kay?

Mr. Mackey told Craig

"M'kay I'm sorry Mr. Mackey M'kay?"

"M'kay good Craig but you need to understand that flippin people off is bad M'kay?

He flipped him off

"Hey"

"Ha ha"

Craig taunted in his typically flat voice

Cut to outside Mackey's office

I sighed as I sat outside Mr. Mackey's office. As I pondered through my thoughts I noticed that Red showed up and sit next to me.

"What are you doing here?"

"I just got sent for disrupting class cuz I was laughing so much"

"Were you laughing at me?"

"Yeah what you said in there was really funny"

"Wasn't that funny"

"I thought it was"

I smiled not that she could see it but it faded as I replied by saying

"I do not wanna go in there"

"Why"

"Just because he's gonna tell me that I shouldn't disrupt class because that's bad m'kay?"

She laughed a little before saying

"I know right"

The door opened as Craig walked out.

"I softened him up for ya"

Craig said and that caught me off guard but I shrugged it off as he walked down the hallway

"Oh well here it comes"

I said as I braced myself and walked in. Mr. Mackey was at his desk weeping…impressive Craig.

"*sniffles* Hey Kenny *sniffling* M'kay the principal *sniffling* M'kay wants to see you *sniffling* M'kay"

He said through sobs. Today must be my lucky day. I walked out the room and Red said to me

"That was quick"

"The principal wants to see me"

"Lucky, now I gotta go in there and deal with "Don't disrupt class M'kay cuz that's bad M'kay"

I chuckled at her weak impression. It was still cute though

"Yeah good luck in there"

"Thanks"

I walked down to Principal Victoria's office and entered. My parents and Kevin were there and they were…crying?

"Hello Kenny I'm afraid we have some bad news"

Principal Victoria stated as my mother cried into dad's chest

"Bad news?"

"Yes you're…your little sister Karen is in the hospital"

My blood ran cold

"T-the hospital?"

"Yes she has been diagnosed with viral pneumonia"

"It's bad"

My father added

"Viral Pneumonia?"

I asked confused

"Pneumonia caused by a virus"

"Is…is it fatal?"

"No but the flu virus can cause viral pneumonia to become fatal"

"Kevin had that last week!"

My mother screamed as she broke out of her sobbing. The room was struck with an eerie silence.

"Can…can I see her?"

"Absolutely"

Author note: That was chapter 1 of the Mystery of Mysterion! I know this first chapter may not have been what you expected but it will get better later on. This story takes place right after the events of The Coon Trilogy my favorite South Park trilogy. Tell me what you guys think and stayed tuned for chapter 2!