Vigil
by Apple
Disclaimer: YnM is (c) Matsushita Yoko and Hana to Yume.
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In Secret
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Well. Here I am again, standing at the foot of his bed, watching him sleep.
Ever since he started living in my apartment, during those times when we don't have missions, I've been doing this every single night. Right after he goes to bed, right after he falls asleep, I sneak into his room, as quietly as possible...and for a couple of minutes, I stand at the foot of his bed, and watch him.
Just like I'm doing now.
Why am I compelled to watch him like this? Why is that, each and every time, I find myself wanting to go to him, wanting to look at him, and savor the sight of him while he drifts off peacefully, unaware of everything that I'm doing?
I started doing this ever since his first night here, when we had that stupid drinking contest that was never finished. I don't know how that whole thing started...all I know is that it ended with him falling over and practically passing out right on top of me.
He hadn't been able to get up anymore, and I had to carry him to his bedroom...and I stayed there, even though I know I shouldn't have. Even though I know he'd probably beat me to death if he ever found out that I was with him all through the night.
But that was how everything began.
Why am I doing this? I don't know. I didn't know the first time, and up to now, I still don't know.
Sometimes, I'm not even aware of this whole thing--you know, the watching. In some nights, it's like my feet just automatically...take me here. To his room, without my knowing.
I think maybe I've been doing this too often, too much that it's become almost like a routine. He falls asleep. I go to his room. I watch him.
And just before he wakes up, I leave. He doesn't even know that I'm doing this. He hasn't found out, because I think I've been pretty discreet about it. I mean, it's not like I can tell him why I'm doing it, because really, I don't even know why.
He'd probably be annoyed with me if he ever found out. He's usually annoyed with me. Most of the time. I'm too eager, he says. Too laid-back. Too cheerful. Too obsessed with sweets, and food, but I don't see why that would be a problem. Food is very important. It's vital to the health, it makes you strong, it lets you work, and plus...it tastes good. Most foods, anyway. Especially desserts. You know, like chocolate, and cake, and ice cream, and cookies, and...
And really! Is there anything wrong with being cheerful? I thought the world liked happy people! And when I'm happily eager, and we're together, he always tells me to quit it.
I don't know why he does that. I'm just trying to make him lighten up. He's always frowning. He's always so serious. And hey, if he says it's bad to be too cheerful and eager, well, I say it's bad to frown too much, and it's not healthy to be always serious.
Not that he'll ever listen to me. Really, sometimes I think he's just really too used to being a...meanie.
The bed's creaking. He's shifting to his side now. Earlier, he was on his back, with his head lolled to the side. Now, he's lying on his right side, with his fingers folded together primly, but not stiffly. Not too stiffly, rather. Still somewhat stiff, but not...well, you get the point. Just not the usual normal sleeping position you'd see people be in, not that I watch people sleep that often. Just him.
All right, time for me to switch positions as well. I sat down on his bed, on his left side. I was nearer to him now than I was earlier. I hope he wouldn't wake up. I just want to look at him closer.
It's strange. I've been doing this for a long time now, yet somehow, I've never grown tired of it. I don't think I'll ever get tired, to be honest. I like watching him sleep.
There's something different about him when he's asleep. Something...I don't know. Quiet? Maybe, maybe not. I mean, he's usually quiet when he's awake. It'd take a whining or an overly cheerful me to get a word out of him. It's usually accompanied by a hard slap on the head, but I'll take what I can get.
He's got a sweet, beautiful voice. He doesn't use it often, but when he does, I don't know...it amazes me. His voice is...well, formal and cold are the only two words that can describe it, really. Formal, because he was taught that way, and cold because...well, because he's cold.
It's probably weird, but to me, even in a fit of anger, his voice sounds soothing. It's like...music, yeah. It's the kind of music that I can listen to over and over again and never get tired of...
Ehh, what am I saying? See, now I'm saying strange things.
I always say strange things, he says, but this is far stranger than usual. But then again, I'm in his room; I shouldn't be surprised. I only get these kinds of thoughts when I'm here...with him. And watching him.
I feel different when I'm here with him. I don't know what it is. Must be something in this room that's doing this. Or something that he's got.
I wonder what he's dreaming about right now.
...Cake? Nahh, that would be me. He wouldn't dream about cake. He doesn't even like sweets.
Maybe he's dreaming about me. Yeah, that's it. He's dreaming about feeding me cake...
Ehh, I think that was my stomach I heard growling just now. Darn...now I'm getting hungry. Stupid, stupid me. Should never have brought the subject of cake up. Maybe I'll get some later in the morning. I don't want to leave just yet.
Darn. I wish he could be like this when he's awake. So peaceful, and so pretty. No, he's not just pretty, he's...beautiful. I don't think "beautiful" even covers it, really. There's something about him that really...draws me in. I don't know. I just know that I can look at him all day long and never get tired of his face...
It's not just his face, though...even if it's the most enthralling face I've ever set eyes upon. Even if he's got those entrancing green eyes which are...well, kind of closed right now. And even if he's got that smooth, pale skin, and fair cheeks that I can't stop touching right now, and those perfect eyebrows...and his hair--those light-colored strands that fell gracefully over his face, and that were spread across the pillows...
I heard a soft, irritated-sounding sigh.
Eeep!
...Oh. I didn't wake him up, good. He tends to go into a bad fit when he's woken up in the middle of his sleep. Thank goodness. I thought I was a dead man for sure...
He has a tendency to mutter in his sleep, I've noticed that. It's actually kind of cute. Like right now, I can hear him whispering something about a fly that wouldn't stop crawling all over his face and disturbing his sleep...
He couldn't be talking about my hand, could he? Damn.
It's not like I could help it. I like touching him. I like it a lot...
Darn, he's pretty. Beautiful. Really beautiful.
He's got the kind of beauty that you can actually feel, if there is such a thing. It's something that sort of...emanates from his whole being. Like an aura.
He's got a beautiful aura...the kind that would just draw you in closer and closer until you can't make yourself go away, because you can't get enough of it. He's like that. It's not obvious on the first impression, but once you get to know him a little, you'll find yourself wanting to know more. And once you know more, you'll find yourself wanting to get even closer...and closer...
SLAP!
Ouch.
...That hurt! I drew back slightly, rubbing my cheek. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him flex his left hand--the one he had just slapped me with.
Damn, that stings. He's got a really really hard slap. I should have realized that a long time ago. I think half the bruises on my body were caused by him. He always seems to get infuriated with me, and I don't even know why. He always loses patience with me. He's always irritated. I think I get a slap from him every single day, and it's not fair. I always tell him that, but he just ignores me. He's being far far too cruel to me, and I don't even know why.
Really, sometimes I think he enjoys being mean and cruel to me, you know? I mean, he just slapped me in his sleep, for crying out loud! How many people in the world can do that? Just because I happened to get sidetracked and accidentally got my face too close to his, that's not enough reason to slap me, is it? It's not even my fault. I couldn't help it! He didn't have to slap me.
I glanced at his sleeping face, and pouted. Even in his sleep, he was a meanie.
"...Not a meanie..." He murmured as he lay flat on his back again.
Ahh, damn. Now I'm smiling. My cheek is all red and sore, and still, I'm smiling.
I can't help it. Anyone would smile, if they can see how incredibly cute he looked right now.
And here, once again, I found myself shifting closer...closer and closer to him. This is all so strange to me, you know, because even though I feel weird, even though my cheek still slightly hurts from his slap, I'm...I'm happy.
Every single time I'm with him feels like the happiest and the most natural thing in the world. When I'm beside him, close to him, just like I am now, I don't know. Somehow, it feels so...right. Like I belonged here, with him. Like I was always meant to be here.
Maybe that's the reason why I do this...why I go to him each and every night, and stay beside him, watching him as he sleeps. Because I was meant to be here...with him.
Well...
I don't get it.
Suddenly, I heard a soft, chuckling noise. I gazed down at him...and pouted again. He was laughing at me in his sleep. See, there's that little tiny wrinkle at the corner of his lips, and it's obvious to me that he's trying to hide a smile. "Idiot."
Wait...did he just call me an idiot?
He can even call me that when he's asleep. He's so mean.
Well at least I got him to smile even just a little bit, though I have no idea how I did that.
Damn it, he's still smiling. I don't think I can even look away from him now. I don't think I want to. I'm hooked.
You know, he's the kind of person who rarely ever smiles, but when he does, it's kind of amazing. Everything around him just lights up...and he glows. He really does. It's...I don't know how to describe it. But you'll have to be a pretty special person if he shows his smile to you. He's not terribly generous in letting people see it. In fact, for the length of time that we've known each other, I think I've only seen it a few times...
He does smile a lot when he sleeps, though. He smiles more often in his sleep than when he's awake, actually...and I understand why. Sleep is the only time when he's able to let his guard down. He's extremely mistrustful of people, and really, it's understandable, all things considering.
Still, that doesn't stop from wishing he'd smile more often...if only for me.
Ahh, I can stay here forever...
Yawn. Okay, on second thought, maybe not. I should sleep soon--in my own room, not here. He'd kill me if he ever found me here.
Or maybe not kill me...but I wouldn't want to be thwacked on the head again. Or slapped again. He's got quite an iron hand...
Hmm...maybe a couple of more minutes wouldn't hurt...
Yawn. You know, he doesn't like it when I stare at him too often. He says it makes him feel self-conscious, but still, I do it--if only to elicit the blush that colored his cheeks in the most fascinating way. He's the only one I know who's got the strongest blush reflex in the world...though I guess it makes sense. I don't think he could get a tan even if he wanted one, and he's much too pale. The blush serves as a nice complement to his face. It makes him seem more...vibrant, and alive.
...There! See? Even in his sleep, he can still blush. It's so cute.
Yawn. I really should sleep now. Yeah, I think I will.
One last thing before I go, though.
This is the only time I'll get to do this. When he's awake...well, I'll never work up the nerve to do it. Besides, he'd probably get to me faster than I could say "cookie" before I even get the chance to do it. So I need to do this right now.
Yeah, I do this every single night, too. Right before I go to bed. Right before I leave him.
I ruffled his hair gently…and then I leaned down and brushed my lips softly against his forehead.
...And then I closed my eyes and stayed there, my lips touching his skin.
Every single time I do this, it takes considerable effort for me to pull away. It becomes even harder for me to convince myself to get up and walk away. If I could only stay with him like this for the rest of my life...I would.
Leaving him is always the hardest part, mainly because I really didn't want to. I can never do this again. Well, not until the next time he's asleep, anyway. Still, I wish I didn't have to leave...
All right, all right. Time to get up. Up, up, up we go. I pressed one final kiss to his forehead before I reluctantly rose from my position and turned to leave.
"...Tsuzuki."
Eeep
I've been caught red-handed. Damn. Now I've gone and done it.
I turned my head to gaze at him with a nervous smile. "Ehehehe...Hisoka, I was just leaving..."
Sleepy green eyes looked up at me and blinked. "Leaving?"
I think he's still half-asleep. "Yeah. Uh...I'll see you in the morning! Good night!" I made a move to turn on my heel, but a hand caught my wrist.
"Where are you going?" Sleeping Beauty...er, Hisoka raised an eyebrow at me.
"Uhm...back to my room?" I answered hesitantly as my feet...steered me back towards the bed.
His eyebrow raised a notch higher. "Why?"
I scratched my head. "Because it's late," I concluded, observing him thoughtfully. He looks like he's still half-asleep. Maybe he's just dreaming.
SLAP! Ouch. He slapped me again. "Idiot. I'm awake," he said dryly.
I rubbed my cheek and gave him a wounded look. "That hurt," I sniffed. See? He's a lot meaner when he's awake. Meanie.
He rolled his eyes. "Will you stop calling me a meanie in your thoughts?"
I blinked. "You heard my thoughts?"
He sighed. "Tsuzuki. Empath, remember?" He pointed to himself. Oh yeah.
Oh yeah...
"Right. I forgot," I smiled sheepishly. How could I forget?
"How can you forget!"
I shrugged. "I don't know." I really don't. I never usually remember anything important when I'm with him. Well...except for him, of course...
I heard him sigh. "Whatever. I should go back to sleep." He turned away from me. I think he was blushing again.
"Hisoka..." I inched closer to him. "Can I...stay here with you?" Can I stay with you and watch you sleep for a while longer...?
"Un. Sure." He turned back and gave me an amused look. "It's nice of you to ask permission for a change."
"Permission?" I blinked. Permission? What's he talking ab--oh.
Oh.
"Can I ask one thing? Keep your thoughts to a minimum. They disturb my sleep."
Wait a minute...my thoughts? "You mean to tell me you've known all along that I was watching you?"
An eye-roll. "Yes," he answered dryly.
...Damn. There goes my secret nightly vigils. Damn it.
"How long have you known?"
"Since the first night."
"Damn. I can't hide anything from you, can I?"
A smile. "Nope. Not usually."
I sniffled. "It's not fair." I wanted to watch you in secret, and now, it turns out I can't...
"Tsuzuki..." I felt one of his hands caress my cheek. "I don't mind."
"You know, Hisoka, I..." I swallowed. It's not easy to say something like this. I'm not even that good at it. Really, I was contented to watch him in his sleep. To see him at that distance when sleep is standing in between us, that was good enough for me.
And it's not like I can tell him anything. I wasn't very good with words...
"You don't need to tell me anything," his whispered voice reached my ears then. "I know."
I should have guessed.
And I did something then that I never thought I'd get the courage to do, not in a million years. I wasn't even afraid of getting slapped. Well, I was, but I didn't care at the moment. How about that?
As it turned out, I never got slapped. Instead, at the instant that I touched my lips to his, he had wrapped his arms around me and kissed me back, telling me without words all that I wanted to hear all along.
I guess maybe...Hisoka and I, we don't really need words between us. We don't need words to know.
...But I'm just guessing, of course.
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Even now, I still visit him every night, after he falls asleep. I still don't understand why I'm compelled to do it.
But when I think about it...maybe it wasn't meant to be understood.
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-END-
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A/N: Well, there you have it, folks. My first attempt at a Tsuzuki/Hisoka fic. I hope it wasn't too bad. Second chapter coming up soon, and it will be in Hisoka's POV this time.--smile--
