A/N: I'm sorry. This is a terrible story, but it's meant to be a crackfic, okay? It makes me giggle everytime I think of it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Harry Potter. Those belong to Stephenie Meyer and J.K. Rowling, respectively. And a few of the one-liners I got from Lord_Voldemort7, a fake Twitter account.
But We're Not Exclusive!
Edward was brooding as he ran to Bella's house one Saturday morning as the sun was beginning to rise. He loved her; why wouldn't she accept his marriage proposal? He knew he was what every awkward, loner teenage girl wanted in a guy – handsome, sullen, and intelligent. What else did Bella want?
Edward stopped short outside of Bella's window. He heard moaning – and something told him it was sexual in nature. He stood awkwardly beneath the window, then steeled his nerves and launched himself into her bedroom. His mouth dropped open when he saw a very disheveled Mike Newton and a half-dressed Bella Swan on her bed. Both froze and stared at Edward for a moment.
"Bella?" He croaked in disbelief. He'd been too caught up in himself before now to realize that he could hear Mike's thoughts: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Edward's gonna kill me. But Bella's soooo hot!
"Well, Edward..." Bella started, pulling the blanket up around her, "I didn't think you'd mind. I mean, we never said we were exclusive, and a girl has needs."
"I'll just be going now..." Mike said, blushing furiously and literally running out of the room. Edward chuckled darkly when he heard the other boy trip over his own feet and fall down the last four stairs.
"We... never said we were exclusive?" Edward whipped out a copy of Twilight from thin air and flipped through it.
"See?" Bella said, watching him expectantly.
"Huh. I guess we didn't." Edward shrugged. "Cool. So you don't mind if I go to England and see an old girlfriend?"
"You have a girlfriend in England?" Bella raised her eyebrows.
"Yeah. But I faked my own death. Carlisle and Esme wanted to move. And the Ministry for Magic found out we were vampires." Edward shrugged again.
"WHAT?" Bella shrieked.
Suddenly, a young man with dark hair, bespectacled emerald eyes, and a lightning bolt scar burst into the room. Bella blinked. It was her substitute History teacher, Mr. Potter. Why he was in her house, she had no idea.
"Cedric! Why are you sparkly?" The man shouted.
The sun had fully risen, and Edward was indeed sparkling.
"Hi Harry." Edward said in a British accent. "I am a vampire."
"Oh. Alright then." Harry Potter nodded and left.
"So we're cool?" Bella asked.
"Yeah, we're not exclusive." Edward agreed and jumped out the window.
END
