Summary: Bella writes a letter to her lost, unborn child as a way to cope with the awful choice she had to make. This short One-Shot deals with the aftermath of an abortion. You've been warned.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.


Letter To Renesmee


...

Renesmee,

If love was the only thing one needed in this world, I would be looking at you and not the remnants of you in a box that I keep hidden away in my room. You are the dark secret that I keep locked inside, a kind of love I believe they wouldn't understand. Sometimes I imagine your face, what your eyes would tell me with that little coy smile I'm sure you'd be sporting. And the more I discover you in the box, the more painful it becomes until I can not stomach the loss of you.

A teacher once told me, love is measured by sacrifice. At thirteen I didn't understand that, I just thought it sounded pretty. It's not pretty. There is no beauty in sacrifice, or my own. I look back at that day and all I feel and see is loss, regret, guilt, pain and red. And yet, despite my feelings, I know I made the right decision, the hard decision even though a piece of me died with it.

"I hope you get pregnant again soon," is what they tell me. As if they knew without asking that we were trying. We weren't. Their words leave a bitter metallic taste in my mouth. "Maybe it was for the best, we weren't ready," is what I would say in return. If only it was as black and white as that. If only love, my love, could have saved you.

Something I have learned in life, love- on its own- saves nothing and no one. Love is painful, love can be wrong, love can make you make the worst of choices. Love is dangerous. Love, it set my world on fire and left disaster in its wake, an impossible situation.

I named you, because you were my child. I named you because it was your sacrifice too, not just mine. I named you, because you were and will always be my first. I named you because, despite you being hidden away in a box tucked in the back of my closet, you are not just a box lost in the sea of clutter in my home. You are the definition of my sacrifice.

Now, when I look to the future my husband and I will share, I am very much aware of this abhorrent fact, something that I cannot erase or ignore. Every time my husband hugs me and says he loves me, all the future plans we've made, the life we are building, all the love and joy we have, simply of being alive, present and together, was made by one awful decision, one nerve wrecking, sobbing in the shower, guilt infused, bleeding, painful, abdomen clutching, screaming in the night decision. It made me better, I grew up, made me think of my own future and how things might have been differently. For someone so tiny as you were, it's amazing to think the impact you had. You changed my course. And for you, always for you, there's a place I keep hidden, a quiet place where I keep the memory of you.

Love,

Your Mother


Sad I know. It pains me to see so many women getting put down for making one of the hardest choices they'll ever have to make. Getting an abortion is not an easy decision, it's a tragic one even when necessary. You don't have to be pro-choice to have compassion.