Be My Sugar


Full Summary:

In the wonderful world of Candy Land, alternatively the alternative Magical Confectionary Paradise of England, Severus Snape is a highly sought after chemist of Willy Wonka Talent who is highly allergic to the sugar he creates for the general wizarding populous. However, being that he must test his products in some way to be sure of their continued quality… Severus must therefore devise some foolproof method of Assurance before his pathetic allergies sentence him to a Sugar-induced grave.

Enter Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived after a very early on tragic accident which claimed the lives of his dearly departed Mother and Father, Lily Evans and James Potter respectively.

Harry is a perpetually underweight, optimistic, highly motivated, newly graduated member of the Candy Land workforce seeking employment for his rather specialized skill set.

Alternatively, Harry has always had a secret not-so-secret, crush, hard-on, full out majorly problematic obsession with the enigmatic man behind the confectionary wonders which are the products of…dun…dun…dun…Prince Enterprises Silver Tongued Confections Inc.

Otherwise affectionately known as PEST.C.I.

This is the story of how one man (I.E. Severus Snape), meets the remedy to his lifetime dilemma, and summarily manages to not utterly screw up his livelihood with his untimely death.

Alternatively, this is the story of how Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, finally got to live out his biggest sugar-laced wet dream ever.

Still here…?

Well then, okay.

Shall we begin?

**insert maniacal laugher and unholy grin of unsuitable delight**

!BOLD LETTERED WARNING!

The following fic may cause one of the following ailments or diseases/discomfitures in rapid succession—swirly eyes, mental retardation, questioning of the sanity in the universe, need to look up nonexistent scientific terms the authoress just came up with for the sake of this messed up universe she's dragging you all into, secondhand diabetes, firsthand laughing fits, uncomfortable twitching of random facial muscles, spasms, rare case scenario seizures, strange cravings for unhealthy snacks, and general reliance on unreliable narration by the omniscient voices in the back of your head

Also, you may or may not develop a sugar rush.

This fic is meant to be crack of the purest form which takes itself very seriously, because the author has a rather crappy sense of humor and general well-being.

Also, there will be porn. It's on the drawing board.

So yeah…if none of this bothers you, feel free to read ahead.

Otherwise, keep your therapist and any and all medications on standby and do not, I repeat, do not try and rationalize anything your eyes see from this point forward.

Seriously, you'll hurt yourself…or possibly someone else if you're that kind of crazy.

Not judging. Never that.

!END WARNING!


BEGIN FIC


It was a dark and stormy night unlike any other night before it in the realm of Candy Land semi-modern day wizarding England.

Strange things were happening all over the world on this night.

The strangest of thing of all was the birth of one Severus Snape, to Eileen Prince and Tobias Snape, the world's weirdest coupling ever.

Eileen panted laboriously and pushed her hardest as the purely muggle midwife Tobias insisted on using rather than any form of modern or (heavens forbid) wizarding medicine for his delicately boned, magically suppressed witch of a wife, urged her on like some highly useless cheering section with eyes only for the crowning head of the baby boy Tobias was already devising methods of mentally scarring and making the life of a veritable misery.

But I digress.

Eileen screamed in vindication as with a final valiant push, the burden of her womb was relieved and the umbilical cord summarily cut.

The midwife did her job and cradled the infant in her arms, who was peculiarly not making a sound, but fully cognizant with the darkest eyes, and seemingly more aware of the world around him than any newborn had ever had the misfortune of being.

Tobias nodded at his exhausted wife and newly birthed son, as if to say, 'Well, now that's done with.'

And without so much as a word, he left the room to procure a much needed alcoholic drink.

Eileen ignored his departure and only had eyes for her bundle of joy.

The midwife frowned disapprovingly for Tobias's absence, but beamed proudly at the new mother who had her arms stretched out for the still all too quiet baby.

"What shall you call him, miss?"

Eileen held her baby in her arms at last and locked eyes with him, offering the babe her forefinger, which he encircled in a tiny but surprisingly strong fist.

She could feel her purposefully suppressed magic tingling at the point of contact, and Eileen smiled softly in maternal joy.

"Severus. Severus Tobias Snape."

The midwife nodded her approval.

"A serious name for a serious child. Well done."

Eileen sighed and blinked as the babe's mouth curved in an unmistakable gummy grin for her eyes only, before letting out a reassuring gurgle and yawning cutely.

He was so precious.

Mercy…she was in love all over again.


3 years later


"Mother…?"

Eileen glanced down at her pride and dubious joy with a longsuffering smile and graying tendrils of hair falling from her messily put together pony tail.

"Yes. Severus?"

The pale skinned, cherub-cheeked, dark eyed, chin length wavy black-haired, knee high little boy looked seriously up at his mother and said, "I would like a box of Coco-Cherry Bon Bons please."

"Oh Honey…your father would have a fit if he found out you were consuming sweets."

"It's my Birthday." Severus intoned severely, as any self-respecting three year old in his position would do.

"I know darling…I know…" Eileen chewed her bottom lip and stared at the small box of Coco-Cherry Bon Bons on the grocery store shelf with nervous misgivings.

"Alright then. You're entirely right. It is your Birthday, and if you want Bon Bons then Bon Bons it will have to be."

Eileen nodded fiercely to herself and determinedly plucked a brightly colored box from the stack.

Severus's eyes were shining in satisfaction.

"Just promise me you won't let your father see, and you'll only eat it once you're safely in your room."

"I promise."

Eileen patted her boy's head and they continued grocery shopping.

Severus eyed the box of Bon Bons in the basket with a most critical eye.

There was dissecting to be done, and he would be the one to do it most thoroughly in the privacy of his room.

Looking back, this was probably the moment when everything began—truly.

Eileen glanced down at Severus in puzzlement as the boy stopped walking as they passed through the lengthy candy aisle.

At first she feared he was going to ask for another treat, but he surprised her by asking, "How much sugar do you reckon it takes to make all this?"

Eileen raised a thoughtful finger to her chin and said, "Tons probably."

Severus nodded emphatically, "When do I get an allowance?"

Eileen snorted and replied, "When you get old enough to spell it and do proper Math."

Severus frowned, "I can already…"

Eileen quickly ushered him out of the aisle. "I know, darling, but you're not supposed to! It's not normal. Your father would be very upset if—"

Severus tuned out her predictable tirade of what his father would and would not approve of.

He refused to dull his intelligence to suit that man's definition of what a child should be. Even at the tender age of three years, he knew something was not right with that creature he called a sire.

And there, blossoming in his chest was something he knew had set him apart from the day of his very birth.

It was something he couldn't yet identify with any certainty, but knew he would most definitely be investigating on his own in the near future.

His mother, he loved her dearly, more than anyone else in his life. But he knew she was keeping something from him, and as a growing boy of three years, he would make it his business to find out everything there was to know about himself and the world around him.

His father could literally hang—preferably somewhere high up where the drop could kill.

Severus smiled in childish delight for the cheerful turn of his thoughts and reached up to grasp his mother's hand.

It was a good day.


Later on that night, after a low key party with roasted veggies and fruit for a celebratory dinner (because his father was a douchebag with an abnormal intolerance for anything remotely processed or truly sweet, and therefore forced his dietary habits on his family), Severus began to carefully dissect the Coco-Cherry Bon Bons.

He first took one into his hand and examined it from all angles.

It was pleasingly rounded, if not perfectly symmetrical with a coating of dark brown and white chocolate beneath coconut flakes, and presumably would have a red cherry center beneath all that artificial flavoring.

Severus then brought the Bon Bon to his (even at his age, rather prominent, slightly hooked) nose. He inhaled deeply.

Not very aromatic beyond the initial whiff of chocolate. He could barely sense the cherry beneath.

Points were added and taken away for presentation versus scent.

Severus stuck his tongue out and took a delicate swipe of the surface of the Bon Bon, tasting sugar and feeling a spark of something race through his mouth and down his spine.

Well…that wasn't bad.

Not bad at all.

And finally came the moment of truth.

Severus bit the Bon Bon in half in order to taste the chocolate and the cherry all at once together, and his taste buds damn near exploded with a symphony of muted sound.

That was it.

Full marks for a successful combination of irresistible flavors.

And Severus Tobias Snape knew in his spirit that he had found his calling in a Coco-Cherry Bon Bons box.

Hallelujah.


End Prologue


A/N: Okay, so I'm back and on crack. Huh. Who would've thunk it? I seriously had no idea I'd be writing something like this, but boy, am I chuffed that I finally got the beginnings of this fic out to the public. All I can really say is I hope your interests have been sufficiently peaked, and that maybe you'll drop me a line to know just how promising you think this venture will be for the future of all things Sweet, Sexy, and SNARRY! ^-^

Lolz, I leave this baby in your capable hands and hope to hear from each and every one of you bold readers. Because if anybody stuck around after that extensive warning, then I know I am among nothing but the best of company. –cheeky grin-

Until the next chapter! CIAO!


Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, it would no longer be suitable for all ages. And I'd probably get sued and arrested for indecent exposure. So yeah.