-Crack - 'Cause I watched DGM, compared it to the manga and went full retard. There's no going back.
1st Night - The reason why you shouldn't do drugs (insert catchy theme song here)
*since the dubbing is usually a pile of shit, I'll stick to the script AKA the manga*
VOLUME 1 COVER: a deformed-handed, scarred-faced, white-haired boy, standing back to back with an overfed kobold with glasses in the snow or it's crack if this is something like Breaking Bad. Also an astronaut bunny on the side. Inner cover: a curly haired, slipper-wearing guy laughing maliciously. I like the idea that the protagonist has a deformed limb, you raise awareness for birth defects and get people not freak out and ostracize others for it. Nice *thumbs up*
HOSHINO: I meant to introduce you the two opposing forces in this manga, these two will be in the spotlight and the falling snow will have a meaning in the distant future.
Dun-dun-dun, atmosphere is getting created.
MADAO: Exorcist. The ones chosen by the gods, they exist to hunt those covered in darkness.
ME: Wait! This voice! I know this voice! IT'S MADAO! But why are you here, I thought Baka Ouji wanted screen-time here?
MANGA POSTER: same whitehead holding a decorated cross, and is being wrapped by red and black stings. There is also the golden snitch with a curled tail is hovering there.
SETTING: Imaginary end of 19th century.
ME: Why that time?
HOSHINO: *shrug* I felt like it.
*train arriving*
ME: *glances at the manga* Err, this is not how it was supposed to start.
*camera zeroes on the figure we saw on the volume cover*
ME: Well, the music is 2004-ish, but oh well, it was back in 2006, it's ok. Though I wish he didn't have the eyes of a dead fish.
*Big Ben rings, the white-head is sitting in a carriage's back*
ME: Oh, isn't this from chapter 2? *glances at manga* Well, doesn't matter, they just want to fill in the time. It's not relevant. Though, they really should pay attention to the eyes.
GUY FROM THE VOLUME COVER: Timcampy, don't fly around so much or a cat will eat you again.
TIMCAMPY: *grumpily settles on his head*
CLOWN: *gives him food(?)*
GUY FROM THE VOLUME COVER: Thanks.
BUSTY RABBIT GIRL: *shoves Clown out of the way* Have you come for sightseeing, traveller?
GUY FROM THE VOLUME COVER: Nah, I'm meeting up to the secret hideout of the Exorcists, an organisation you're not even supposed to know of. It makes me wonder if I should kill you.
*we get a flash of the moon so Allen can hide the bodies, now we see brown hair the wind plays with, so they're going to animate chapter 1 after all*
WOMAN: Hey, did you know there have been a lot of people that disappeared in this church? Travellers with no money sleep here. By next morning only their clothes remain. Party hard.
AN OFFICER: *hides behind gate* People disappeared there and you want to go in there alone, Moor? Are you out of mind, woman?
MOOR: We've got no choice, the neighbourhood complained you know. And what do you mean alone, Charles, what do you think you're here for?
ME: Strange, I thought people were relieved when questionable people disappeared from where they lived.
HOSHINO: *shrugs*
CHARLES: But it's cursed!
MOOR: Quit being a pussy and drag your sorry arse in. *enters the church*
CHARLES: We're so going to die. *follows her inside*
MOOR: Whoa, it's pretty run down.
CHARLES: *screams like a little girl* On my leg!
MOOR: ...That's a cat. This so goes on YouTube.
*sound of wings flapping*
*a hand is reaching out from the cloud of bats*
MOOR: *moves to save the cat, but gets ambushed herself*
CHARLES: MOOR, I FREAKING TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN!
ME: Ok, not creepy at all. Our protagonist is a vampire maybe? That's why he has white hair? Is this supposed to be like a less bloody version of Hellsing?
MOOR: *gets locked in a mysterious room, the door locks itself*
ME: Vampire theory confirmed.
MOOR: *freaky hand shoves her in a chair*
OWNER OF THE HAND: Caught you, lil' bitch. What? A human? Why is a human here? *gets handcuffed*
MOOR: Right back at you, fucktard.
OWNER OF THE HAND, STILL CONCEALED BY THE DARKNESS: *his face gets revealed, it's the guy from the volume cover*
OWNER OF THE HAND, CONCEALED BY THE DARKNESS NO MORE: *tries to bullshit his way out*
MOOR: *doesn't give a fuck* I'm gonna go to fetch my partner, while I leave you alone, tied to the window in a church where people disappeared - most likely died - mysteriously. Surely nothing can go wrong.
*scream*
MOOR: ...Fuck! *runs in the direction of weird sound* *gasps*
CHARLES: *chained to a pillar* I FUCKING TOLD YOU THIS WAS A BAD IDEA! *pentagrams appearing on his body, shatters*
MOOR: Shit just got real! *chokes on gas* *gets grabbed from behind by beast-eyed stranger* I'M NOT A VIRGIN, DON'T SUCK MY BLOOD!
OWNER OF THE HAND: Err, I'd rather not comment on that, just don't breathe in this stuff, it's too strong for first-timers.
MOOR: Too late *faints*
*scene changes, we're in the police office, Moor wakes up*
RANDOM OFFICER: Moor, you're awake!
MOOR: No shit.
RANDOM OFFICER: Shut your tramp and get back to work!
MOOR: *sees her boss with the weird kid*
HER BOSS: His name is Allen Walker. A boy of unknown origin. The perfect victim for suing. Case closed. YOU DID IT YOU LITTLE SHITE!
ALLEN: Is this how you treat me after carrying in your unconscious subordinate?
HER BOSS: Who cares, you're suspicious because you gave a red arm, that's most likely covered in blood!
ALLEN: Caught me red-handed, har, har. *is not amused*
HER BOSS: *undoes button on glove, green cross is revealed on red hand, freaks out*
ALLEN: Here we go again...
HER BOSS: A goddamn cross in your hand? Of course, it couldn't have been an accident or something, you must have burned it in your skin you damn sociopath!
ALLEN: *is tired from his shit*
MOOR: It wasn't him, he was with me during the incident.
ALLEN: You're finally making yourself useful.
RANDOM OFFICER: We have no proof to close the case, the victim had gunshot wounds and he only had a cat and a suitcase.
HER BOSS: *slams his fists on the table to regain his non-existent masculinity* WHY THE HECK WERE YOU PASSED OUT, MOOR? YOU LET THE CULPRIT GO.
MOOR: *is depressed*
ALLEN: I know who did it. To show you how much of an incompetent sucker you are I'll solve this case myself. The name is Akuma, it evolves as it kills and it won't stop until someone - I - stop them. *smiles to declare how useless those guys are* *exposes hand* See this cross? This is the weapon I slaughter fuckers like him. Cause fuck yea, I'm an Exorcist.
HER BOSS: Exorcist? What are you on? Whatever, get your arse out of here. Officer Moor, you take him home and keep an eye on him.
ME: Do they even have the right to do that? He's been cleared of suspicion hasn't he?
*people talk about the incident 2 years prior, not noticing the goddamn oversized gnom skipping behind them. Just how much of a moron do you have to be to miss that?! He has an invisibility cloak or something?*
*scene changes, emo guy is sitting by the window. Breaths smoke out (the hell? When did you brush your teeth last time? Or it's opium? Is he drug dealer or something?) and the grinning goblin appears*
GRINNING GOBLIN: Good, the idiots out there shat bricks, keep up good work and massacre more, my precious Akuma.
MOOR: I'm back, bitch. You didn't die up there right, Mark?
GRINNING GOBLIN: *disappears in the shadows*
MOOR: What is this smell? Did you bring some slut up here?
MARK: How do you think I'd be able to go down, I'm a fucking invalid.
MOOR: True. You haven't eaten yet.
MARK: I'm full. I'll eat later.
MOOR: Don't dare you give up, our sister in heaven wishes for the best to us. That is, if she hasn't ended up in hell. Or just, you know, can't do shit since she's kinda dead.
*crash*
MARK: And you scream my head off for bringing up someone?
MOOR: Goddamn brat. *leaves room*
MARK: Oh, so she's into that.
ALLEN: *on the floor*
MOOR: Get back to the kitchen! *drags him away in the study, since he already ate all the food, and now she's worried she's next* So you say the culprit is an Akuma? You know those things are just phantasm of cowards like you.
ALLEN: That isn't the kind of Akuma I'm talking about. That's a name of a weapon. It targets ignorant fucks like you and bombs the shit outta 'em.
*door slams open*
MARK: *creepily wheels himself in* *moans either in pain or withdrawal symptoms*
MOOR: What's your problem? *kneels before him*
ALLEN: *eye becomes target* Well, shit.
MOOR: What now?
MARK: *transforms into a huge, floating ball with cannons pointing in all angles*
MOOR: What the hell is this?!
ALLEN: *jumps in to save the woman, catches bullet with bare hand, gets slammed into the church where other officers still investigate* You still alive?
MOOR: Somewhat. *notices bullet, reaches for it*
ME: Ho, he caught a bullet! That's pretty hardcore!
ALLEN: Na-ah, I caught it, I keep it. *fat cat in his lap has pentagrams then shatters* Oopsie.
MOOR: What happened to Mark?
ALLEN: Oh, that wasn't Mark, only a weapon wearing his corpse.
MOOR: My brother was killed?!
ALLEN: Yup, and his possessed corpse is here to kill us. Look, he's already here. *shoves her behind himself*
HER BOSS: WTF is that thing?! Shoot it idiots!
ALLEN: Not gonna happen. *hides behind pillar with Moor*
MARK: Bang, bang, I shot you down/ Bang, bang, you hit the ground/Bang, bang~
POLICE SQUAD: *gets infected and shatters*
ME: Well, that escalated quickly.
MOOR: No, why did you kill that asshole of a boss, I wanted to kill him!
ALLEN: It's useless trying to talk to it. It doesn't kill, because it wants to, it's because it's programmed to do it. The implanted soul is the source of its power. That girl was probably important to him. Was.
*insert crappy past here of dead parents, then lovers, then a dead wife, then blasphemy, the appearance of the Creator, creating an Akuma that wears Mark's skin, but has Claire's soul, Claire shoving herself down on Mark's throat (literally) and all other explanation I don't bother to mention*
MOOR: No way! My sister is her own husband?!
ALLEN: Now that I explained the gruesome details how a sociopath made a weapon out of the corpse of your brother-in-law and the soul of your sister, I'll kill it quick and painless, because it was so nice, to actually wait until I finished speaking and summoning a flashback. *cross flares up, left arm gets covered by silver metal* Bye-bye~ *impales it with huge claw*
ME: Is it only me, or Akuma really resemble hard-core drug addicts, who are forced to disperse the stuff by their gang?
ALLEN: The Millennium Earl *imagine that grinning goblin here* wants to destroy the world. The job of an Exorcist is to stop that.
Ending is ok-ish
ME: Wait, you're giving such an abrupt end?! Hey, Hoshino-san! Where did you go? You still didn't tell me whether the guy was a vampire or not!
End of 1st Night
