DEAR DIARY

The insane, crazy, and very OOC adventures of Seto Kaiba,as recorded by him in his very secret online diary.


Disclaimers, Author's notes, and other things at the bottom. READ THEM. Especially if you're an admin, because they prove this fic does not break any rules. Thankyou. Now, on with the fic.
Dear Diary,

Pegasus molested Mokuba today. I kissed Yugi, and it was amazing. Unfortunately, he was too ugly to love.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I gave into Mokuba's puppy face again! He kept chuckling0.oU I forbid the use of chuckle in my household now… aren't I AWESOME!

-Sugar-high off of yogurt, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it. Mokuba is failing, failing me. Failing the Kaiba name, and failing himself. He refuses to put out any effort what so ever. And so I have decided to send him to boarding school, forcefully if nessicary. I will not tolerate failure.

-Master of all I command, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Isono forcefully sent Mokuba to boarding school. I'm sure this will produce the nessicary results that I require. I suppose I feel bad… not really. He's a Kaiba, and he must learn that I will not tolerate anything less than perfection.

-Me… awesome.. Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I got mad at Mokuba today. He was all like "No" and I was all like "Yes." He thinks I should bring Noah back, and that's something that I will never do. He doesn't understand, no matter how much he wants it to be true, Noah will never be our brother. I know it's selfish, but I will never let ANYONE be closer to Mokuba as I am. He's all I have left, and I won't lose him to some tree hugger.

-Seto Kaiba, the not tree hugger

Dear Diary,

Anorexic being is hard, nark. I like drugs. They make me WHOOO. Bakura and his crystal meth. I like sandwiches between buns. Drugs are yummy like WOW. Mokuba saw me being HAPPY, not I worried though. He be Jesus. Like cheesus. Or Brendan. Why are children small anyway?

-Tristan, or very high off of drugs Kaiba.

Dear Diary,

My diary is getting very full. Maybe I should burn it(or at least the one about me on drugs0.oU) But it's on my computer… damnit. Mokuba ate all the food today, I was so angry at him that I threw an anchovy at him, then I realized it was the last food I had. Then he ate it-.-U I sent Isono out for some more food, but I think he's going to buy some more porn instead. Little bustard. Mokuba had some of magazines in his room. He's started to worry me. I think he might have one of those "girlfriend" things too, and he's not telling me about it. Oh shit0.o I hope he's not having sex already . Got to give him the talk I suppose… oh shit, I remember the last time I tried to tell him it, I ended up telling him Santa Claus gave babies to parents. Guess I should tell him about Santa too-.-

-Seto the hobo

Dear Diary,

I win.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I wonder where the fucking boy scout is with my cocaine. There better not charge for delivery, little fuckers.

-Thee Seto Kaiba waiting for boy scouts.

Dear Diary,

I have more money than all my friends… wait, I don't have any friends. But if I did, I'd have more money than them. God, I love money. I have, like, 50 Mario DVDs with the "do the Mario" song on it… That's how much money I have. I even paid a guy to memorize the Alphebat for me. Aren't I SEXY? God, I wish someone was as beautiful as I am.

-The sexy Seto Kaiba(who has a lot of money)

Dear Diary,

I think Mokuba is going through one of those "puberty" things. I don't think I ever went through one of those. Or did I? I can't remember, I was too busy doing drugs-I mean-studying. He's starting to act weird. I have a cool watch. I don't think Mokuba has a cool watch. I'll have to get him one for no apparent reason. Or maybe it can be his puberty present. Maybe then he'll stop calling me a retard. But what he doesn't realize is that I can see my FOREHEAD, and he CAN'T. Man… I love drugs they make you write like this kjehrkfbwjerkbfjehwbfejbwfhgfvuhaew.

-Seto Kaiba the drug-loving hero of puberty.

Dear Diary,

Today was my birthday. Why the hell did I have to be born anyway? You suck… why am I writing in a diary anyway? Guess I have nothing better to do. I think Mokuba told me a while ago that it would be "good" for me or something. Like I'm not already healthy enough by being "anorexic" as they call it in America. We don't really have anorexia in Japan, cause we're not fat asses. Mokuba says they don't have it in China ether, he's been reading some book on China and can never get through it cause I kept "interrupting" him or something. And he always saying I never spend time with him, HA!

-Seto Kaiba, straight from da hood

Dear Diary,

My therapist says I'm bi. He says I need a relationship with a male. I'm beginning to doubt letting Isono be my therapist is going to help me do anything. I get afraid sometimes ,when I'm alone in the dark. And when Isono drives Mokuba to school. And puts him to bed at night. He said that it would be good for Mokuba to have a male relationship too. Maybe that's why I hear Mokuba's bed shaking at night and muffled screams. And why I found hand cuffs in Isono's room. Hmmmm… I think I'm going to eat cheese now.

-Bi Seto Kaiba, but not really.

Dear Diary,

Mokuba made me promise not to follow him tonight, so of course I paid one of my men to do it. I am scarred just from the pictures he took. I haven't even watched the video yet. Isono is bigger than you'd ever believe.

-Seto Kaiba who is definitely not BI

Dear Diary,

Pegasus invited himself over to my house again like he always does for wine spritzers. He got way too comfy next to Mokuba. Pegasus was right about the nightmare thing with the wine. I had this one dream where me and Mokuba were together… in bed. It was definitely a nightmare, I think Isono joined in too. It was a magical night. Although, I do believe I shouldn't have told Mokuba about it though0.o. Oh well, it seems he had the exact same dream. Perhaps it wasn't a dream after all….. ;

-Kaiba who seems to be getting gayer by the day

Dear Diary,

I have decided to stop writing diary entries. Mokuba has been posting it on the internet. I'm beginning to feel attracted to men. Which is strange cause a doctor told me I had no sex drive. Well, I'm gonna go look at porn and waste some of my henchmen, I guess they are pretty useful.

-Seto Kaiba, who really must be gay.

Daer Dyhar,

Cooooooooooool! I'm writing in Kaiba's diayra, and he was the one who always called me da 3rd rate duelist. Who lghuging now, huh? I thinked mny spellibsgfd is aweeeeeeeeeeeeesomejhhg. Kaiba is such a doo doo brain.

-signed ka nuh-nuh, and not Jeoy

Dear Dairy,

I want some more milk.

-Sick, sick, little moo cow, Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I'm not dead like Noah is. Wow. Mokuba's alive too. Too bad he keeps playing in the street. I had to give Mokuba a shot yesterday. It was a tracking device, I had every right to give it to him. But of course, he had to be all dramatic about it. He had to be a drama queen. Maybe I should sign him up for acting classes. Maybe that will stop him from hanging out in the street with his hobo friends. One of them even has a violin. And he wears yellow. And he has pink hair. His name is Jix Junior. Fucker.

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

Today is tuestay. Mokuba was walking in the street again, so I decided to beat him with a cane. He said "ow." Mabey I shouldn't be so hard on him… nah. Mabey tomorrow will be tuestay again, so I can beat him again. Dude, I think he stole my drugs. I mean, he's been walking around, saying bakura is his best friend, and having conversations with rocks and pencils. Mabey I should beat him again, Yeah, and I'll make him drink beer. Yeah. I rock,

-Seto fucking Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I've got my own website. It's setoondrugs. Aren't I special.

-Seto Kaiba

Hello friend :)

Oh my goodness, Kaiba's diary. Now I can fill it with FRIENDSHIP! o Kaiba beats Mokuba0.oU I know what will help them, CUP CAKES OF HAPPINESS o Hugs, not drugs. You guys must be real jerks to actually be reading this stuff I can't believe you, drugs are BADDDD! With a capital Q. And we all know Kaiba loves his whittle brother

Jeoy: No he doesn't.

Tea: Joey, WTF are you doing here? And you know you spelt your name wrong, right?

Jeoy: Tea, Tea, Tea, Tea… can't you realize that it is not me who has written wrong, it is you.

Tea: WTF?

Jeoy: Well, my Dad was on drugs when I was…. Ok, he still is on drugs but anywayz, he spelt my name wrong on my birth certifict.,l;kq3oepfkpiu8jhhhjuju

-Friendship FOREVA!

Dear Diary,

Drugs rock my socks :p and shoes. They make me think of purple. Sometimes I give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. It all keeps adding up I think I'm cracking up. Am I just paranoid? A blah blah blah!

-Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

I took 5 bucks today even though a quiz told me I wouldn't take it because I'm so rich. I actually stole it from a hobo, and made him pay for it to get it back. I played hobo games with him all day, it was amazing… maybe I should be a hobo. I wonder what would happen to Mokuba…. Hmm… but I don't care. More importantly what would happen to my money?

-Hobo lovin' Seto Kaiba

Dear Diary,

It's Christmas today. I opened up all my presents, and I didn't like anything. Every one sucked. Except Mokuba, he got me a blue-eyes t-shirt. It is awesome. I think I'll sell it to a hobo for 10 dollars, then I can make some money off this stupid deal. Why does everyone always give me fancy stuff for Christmas? I can't sell fancy stuff to hobos, they don't have enough money. Why are hobos so poor anywayz? I don't see why they don't just go back to their parents and get money from them. Ether that, or they can steal wine from grocery stores and sell it to their hobo friends.

-He be Jesus, Seto Kaiba

What the fuck? This isn't the diary of Seto Kaiba, my brother doesn't beat me . Who the hell is writing this anywayz? And how come Joey can't spell his name right0l.o? And how did Tea get in here…. This is crazy, my brother doesn't beat me, he doesn't do drugs-no wait, nevermind… this is so weird, my brother cares about me.

Seto: No I don't. I care about money. By the way, a hobo wants to buy you for 10 bucks.

Mokuba: 0.0 Nii-sama, you know this crap isn't true. Are you trying to make a fake novel to get more money. This is NOT funny o

Seto: Ok, I just sold you off for 25 cents, he said he didn't have 10 bucks. Plus, you're a midget so your not worth that much.

Mokuba: NII-SAMA! I'm a human being! I'm not worth, ANYTHING o

Seto: Yes your are, I went to and checked to make sure. I didn't want to get ripped off by my hobo friend Bob.

Mokuba: Oh… I get it, hahaha. You're joking…

Seto: Joke? What's this "joke" in which you speak of?

Mokuba: Your kidding me…0.0

Seto: I don't know what that is ether, please explain.

Mokuba: No, for real, seriously…

Bob: Forizzle.

Seto: Oh, there he is. Have fun Mokuba.

Mokuba: SETO! WAIT! I'll give you 25 cents if you don't sell me.

Seto: 50 cents.

Mokuba: 35 cents.

Seto: Deal. Back off hobo, he's MINE!

Bob: Aw damnit… leaves

Mokuba: Seto… you need to go to counseling-.-U

Seto: I tried that, but Isono just keeps telling me to rape you.

Mokuba: You need PROFESSIONAL counseling.

Seto: Isono IS a professional, he's bigger then you'd ever believe!

Mokuba: Didn't need to know that .


END OF CHAPTER ONE
Disclamers, Author's notes, other: This fic is the contents of Seto Kaiba's diary. Any and all misspellings are put there because the author wanted to show something, wether it was the fact that Seto is on drugs at the time he's writing the entry, or even to show how stupid Joey can be. Also, all things written in screenplay format were meant to be written that way. That's how it was written in the diary.

Anything written in italics is someone besides Seto writing in his diary, unless otherwise noted, or isolated in an entry. The author (s) do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, or any of the characters, or any other cobyrighted products that may have been used in the writing of this fic. Furthermore, we're not making any money off it. Also, the author (s) would like to encourage all of our readers to stay CLEAN AND SOBER this holiday season. ;) i know I will (for the most part, anyways :p)

Thanqz

-TuxMux