It Should've Been Me
It should've been me. Reid may have pushed me out of the way, but it should've been me. I know it's foolish to worry; he survived it after all, but it still should've been me. The kid's got his whole life ahead of him. I should've protected him, not the other way around. And I shouldn't have pushed him so hard to meet Maeve. Morgan told me it wasn't my fault. Think of what Maeve and Reid could've been. I mean, they were so similar! The poor kid needed some happiness in his life for once. Yes, he's told me about his childhood and about Tobias Hankle. And then he got shot in Texas, pushing me out of the way. What more can he go through? I failed. As an agent—and as a mother. God, Reid reminds me so much of Ethan. By the time Ethan was six, he was reading War and Peace—just like Reid. And he was doing complex crosswords at the age of three. But, when he was nine that stupid disease took my son away from me. And, they still don't have a name for it—or why it happened to him. Maybe, maybe if I took him to more doctors he would still be alive. Maybe if I wasn't teaching or trying to climb my way back up in the FBI, Ethan would have a decent mother.
Which brings me to another thing. Strauss. It should've been me. I should be the one who's dead, not her. I took her to that hotel room that nI cight and then the bastard drugged her and killed her. We were trying to make amends. If I hadn't been so stubborn, maybe she'd still be alive. If I had just forgiven her earlier, this all could've been avoided. Rossi tells me otherwise. Curtis would've still gotten to her no matter what. Somehow, I doubt that. She had her flaws, but she didn't deserve what happened to her. I smile and think we could've been really great friends.
So as I sit on this train, I contemplate my future. I think I'll take James up on his earlier offer and teach with him at Harvard. I left my credentials at Reid's place and trust that he'll turn them into Hotch. I can't believe I'm leaving that job I love so much, but—it's too much. My mind replays that shooting in Texas over and over again. No. It's too much. Too many people have gotten hurt because of me.
