AN - Warning: The first two chapters of this story were written at the beginning of my high school days several years ago now, and may not contain a coherent plot, likable characters, or that thing known as humor. Please don't write in to say how bad it was, because this was only started to blow off steam and entertain myself each time I hit the terrible Writer's Block Wall, and had seemingly lost my grasp on any writing skills whatsoever I may have posessed.
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there was the story of a pretty young girl called Goldilocks and three bears.
Well, sort of. Actually this is the story of Goldie Locks and the three hedgehogs, Mama hedgehog, Papa hedgehog and Baby hedgehog, also know as Alvin, who lived peacefully in make-believe land, in the Fairy Tale sector.
It was in the morning that the Baby hedgehog, hereafter known as 'Alvin', got out of bed. And this is where the insanity begins.
"Mama!" Alvin jumped up onto his little rickety chair. The smallest chair groaned, and threatened to crack under his weight. "What's for breakfast?"
Mama hedgehog stroked her long pointed snout. "Porridge."
"What? Again? I HATE porridge!"
"You'll eat it and you'll like it." Mama replied.
"I'll eat it, but I won't like it." Alvin vowed.
"Good morning, family," Papa hedgehog entered the kitchen grandly. "Good morning, wife. What is for breakfast today?"
"Porridge." Mama replied laconically.
"What? Again?"
"Don't start." Mama growled. She banged the pot on the table, and slopped three bowls full.
"It looks like runny snot," Alvin commented, none to helpfully. "Cold, runny snot."
Papa pinched his nose and forced a spoonful of the vile substance down his throat.
"Isn't there anything else in the cupboard? Really, anything," He gasped.
Mama let her spoon fall into her porridge with a sickly 'splat'.
"Fine," Mama snapped. "Fine. Alvin, get your coat and hat. You-" She pointed at her husband. "Get your wallet. I'm not spending my money because you're being an old woman." Mama hedgehog huffed, and snatched the car keys from the table.
"Perhaps you should attempt to keep me in the standards I am accustomed to, and then I wouldn't complain as much." Papa Hedgehog shot back. "You, boy. In the car."
"Yes!" Alvin got his coat and hat. Maybe he could convince Papa to buy that new attachment to his X-Box.
Meanwhile, halfway across the country, the lethal Goldie Locks was sawing through the bars of her cell in the infamous jail for Fairy Tale Psychopaths with a nail file that had been smuggled past Fairy Tale security in a chocolate cake. It was such a cliché that no one would possibly notice. But then, her guard, Prince Charming, wouldn't have noticed a dragon walk by unless it had been wearing a skirt.
The bar finally snapped on half. "Yes," She hissed. Goldie Locks had been charged with several break-ins, two counts of theft of a breakfast cereal, and one count of impersonating a Fairy Tale Character, namely Miss Goldilocks from Goldilocks and the Three Bears. She had the features of a bulldog that had been crushed between a Mack truck and a wall, and had a knack for picking doors with her front teeth or her double jointed toes.
In other words, Goldie Locks was one of the most notorious villains this side of the yellow brick road. To give you some idea of how evil, the Wicked Witch of the West and the two Ugly Stepsisters were her drinking buddies.
"You! Halt!" Barry the Wolf yelled. Barry maintained that he was the star of such fairy tales as the Three Pigs and Little Red Riding Hood, and complained that he was the unsung hero. Barry also had the unfortunate duty of being security guard in the Fairy Tale Unstable Occupants Unfit For Human Interaction Ward (FTUOUFHIW for short).
Goldie bolted. Barry chased her down the corridor. "You can huff and puff all you want, Wolf, you wont get me!" Sure enough, Goldie spied her escape-Pinocchio, the wooden puppet. She seized him by the strings and screamed.
"Tell a lie!"
"I don't tell lies!" The puppet declared in outrage. His nose grew so long that it caught on Barry's suspenders and pined him to the ceiling.
"Hey, wha…?" Barry rose to the ceiling, bouncing on his suspenders. He shook a fist at Goldie. "I'll get you, Goldie Locks!" He roared
"See ya later, suckers!" Goldie yelled, skipping past Hansel (Hansel?) and Gretel who were busy stuffing their faces with candy and gingerbread on the bottom step.
"Catch me if you can!" Goldie Locks grinned.
"Hey, aren't you-?" Puss in Boots stared, suddenly worried about his new troll-hide boots. Goldie pushed Puss back into the rubbish bins. Puss struggled to extract himself, his boots waving in the air.
"Crazy women fairies," He grumbled.
Goldie needed a place to hide out, and quick.
But then again, luck had always favored Goldie, and soon she came across a cozy little cottage in the middle of the woods,
She crept up to the door, and pushed it in. The door swung open. Good grief. Whoever owns this place was asking for a break in.
Ah hah! Food! Goldie sat down at the table and proceeded to devour the porridge. She tried the big bowl of porridge. She coughed and dunked her head into the washing up water in the sink. Too hot!
Goldie tried the second bowl, took one mouthful, and spat the porridge back in the bowl. She wiped her mouth with her sleeve. Too cold and slimy!
Reaching for the last bowl, she put he finger into it to make sure it was the right temperature, upended the bowl into her mouth and burped happily, rubbing her stomach.
"Ah, that hits the spot," Goldie yawned, suddenly feeling amazingly tired. On her way upstairs, she quickly pawed through the family's possessions, pocketing Mama hedgehog's gold and silver (Little did Goldie know that Papa only ever bought imitation jewels for his wife)
Goldie let herself into the three hedgehog's bedroom, and rubbed her hands together gleefully. This would be the first time she had slept in a real bed since she was merely the sprightly young age of 304.
Before going to bed, she yet again went through all draws in the room, but finding only a woolly snout warmer and an odd sock.
Sighing, she went to the first bed and sat down. "Holy!" She jumped up, rubbing her backside. Grimacing, she pulled a rusty old coin from her pocket and dropped it on the bedcovers. The coin bounced several times before splitting down the middle. "Too hard," She mumbled.
Goldie sat down on the second bed. The bed pulled her down like quicksand. "Damn!" Goldie cried. "Help! This bed is too soft!" Eventually Goldie extracted herself from the deep fabric, and approached the last bed warily. She experimentally tested it with a finger. Not too hard, not too soft, just-
"Who the hell are you?"
Goldie jumped.
"Who the hell are you?" the voice persisted.
"Who the hell are you?" Goldie countered.
The girl came around the corner. "I'm Cinderella. I'm the three Hedgehog's house keeper,"
Goldie froze. "H- hedgehogs?"
"Yeah," Cinderella was tall and lanky, nothing of how they described her in her Fairy Tale. She even had a pimple on the end of her nose. But then, the merchandising would never have sold as well if certain facts hadn't been temporarily ignored. "The three Bears used to live here, but after a certain incident with a girl that shall remain nameless, they packed up and shifted out, subletting the place to three hedgehogs."
If there was anything in the world Goldie Locks couldn't stand, it was hedgehogs.
Some things, such as a fear of fire, would be known as a rational fear. Fearing hedgehogs was like fearing peanut butter getting stuck to the roof of your mouth: totally irrational.
Then, without so much as a buy-your-leave, Goldie jumped out the second floor window. Cinderella listened closely for the satisfying 'SPLAT!' that was to follow, shut the window and drew the curtains.
Slowly, Cinderella peeled of her rubber mask.
"No one intrudes on my territory!" The real Goldilocks gave an insane cackle of laughter, throwing her golden curls back.
EPILOGUE
Alvin the hedgehog was relived to find out that all his porridge had gone mysteriously, leaving him to lead a porridge-free childhood. He later became one of the main activists in the long-time war to ban porridge in Make-Believe land.
Mama and Papa separated soon after Mama found out that her wedding ring was a fake diamond.
Goldie Locks was peeled of the ground by the Fairy Tale Retrieval Squad, then sentenced to 297 years of community service for breaking and entering, under the watchful eyes of the Three Blind Mice, and Dopey from the Seven Dwarfs.
The rambling Goldilocks was arrested shortly after her assault on Goldie Locks, and told the officers that took her away, that she wanted revenge. She is now serving a long time spell in the Fairy Tale Insanity Ward. Agent Sleeping Beauty and Agent Little Red Riding Hood were to receive commendations from the Fairy Tale Police, but Sleeping Beauty fell asleep during the proceedings and Little Red Riding Hood needed to bring some goodies to Grandma.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
