When You Know What You Want
I have no idea what I want.
It didn't really occur to me until recently that this was so. I'd been going by what was proper, not by what I actually thought.
I suppose up till now, I hadn't thought there was a difference.
Everyone is thrilled with the idea of Simon and I courting. And why shouldn't they be? He's certainly handsome, charming, and well-to-do. Personally I couldn't care less about the last bit, but to people like Grandmama it's key.
People like her. I'm not so sure about me.
I don't seem to be doing so well with this whole setup. It does not surprise me, as I can never do anything right. Not like Felicity, who has the suitors lining up at the door in all her grace, charm and beauty…
It appeared to be a good idea, but the more I think of it, the more I realize that perhaps I wasn't meant for an actual relationship with a man. At least not with Simon. The conflicting feelings are overwhelming.
I feel obligated to be attracted to him, for the sake of appearances, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to say more than two words to him in public. It's as though I'm avoiding the fact that he's right there with me.
The concept makes no sense, I know. I also seem to have taken up the habit of pretending not to hear when he bids me goodnight after being on any number of our constant outings. I know what I should do, but who wants to do what they should?
I shall tell you. No one.
The man makes me almost uneasy.
Not like Kartik. Every day, Kartik becomes more of a best friend to me, and every day it becomes more difficult to imagine life without him. We spend more time together, sometimes just talking in the stables for hours. He has begun to open up to me. He has also gotten into the habit of giving me a flower each day. It's a different one every time…yesterday, it was a purple wildflower, and today he has managed to find a daisy amidst the autumn bareness.
I find myself hoping that the Rakshana do not suddenly decide they need him elsewhere.
I need him here.
Of course, being the nitwit I am, I try and convince myself otherwise. And I am beginning to get the feeling that Simon's patience with me is wearing thin.
I am proven right later in the week. We have just come back from a walk in the park and tea at a local restaurant, and now we are sitting in the library. Simon looks as though he has something to say, and knowing him, it's only a matter of seconds.
"Gemma, what is the problem here?" Simon is clearly annoyed. I cannot tell if he is angry yet, but even I can sense that unless I try and fix this, he will be.
"I—I…" Marvelous, Gem. That smoothed things over wonderfully.
"You...you're always running off talking to that Kartik character, you hardly talk to me whenever we're together…you practically ignore me half the time I'm with you."
At first I do not have anything to say to this, partly because I realize it is true.
"You don't even say 'goodbye' anymore. Is a little acknowledgement too much to ask?" His voice is rising steadily, and he runs his hand through his hair, watching me expectantly. "Is it?"
"Simon, I…I'm sorry, I'm new at this, you have to give me time…"
"New at what?"
"New at…at everything. I've never had an actual courting before this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or not do yet. I'm learning, Simon!" My pitch is matching his, and already I can see that this unnerves him.
"I can understand being new at it, after all that time you spent away from civilized people, but correct me if I'm wrong, I didn't think basic courtesy was something foreign to you."
My cheeks are blazing. I have already broken one of the most important rules of being a lady; do not contradict a man, for it is not your place. Right now, my temper is flaring, and I could care less about what my place is.
"I said I was sorry." It is all I can do to keep myself from crying out. I'm already beginning to shake with fury.
"A load of good that'll do me." He paces the floor for a moment, then turns with a strange look on his face. "I don't think the issue is that this is 'new to you' at all."
"Oh?" My fists are clenching so tightly, my nails are digging into my skin. Harder.
"No." Now he begins to make his way toward me. Slowly, but deliberately. His way of making a point. Male pride. Closer.
"I think there is something more to you and Kartik than you like to let on."
"He drives our coach, for heaven's sake. What would I possibly want to do with him?"
"Why don't you tell me." He picks up a paperweight and tosses it lightly. Up and down. Faster. "Considering you're always off with him doing who knows what…"
"I have done nothing with him but talk!"
"Or have you?" He, too, is struggling to control himself.
"What are you accusing me of?"
"I have said nothing, only mentioned that I find it strange how you two always seem to be together." He pauses. "I bet you don't forget to tell him goodbye."
"This is ridiculous!" Before I can stop myself, I have drawn myself up to my full height, eye level with him.
Don't be the first to look away, Gem. Do not avert your eyes, or he will have won.
Strange that my father's words would be echoing in my head at a time like this.
"It wouldn't be ridiculous if I were to mention these strange happenings to someone of consequence." He blinks, but never looks away.
"Do not threaten me." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
"It would be your word against my own, Miss Doyle." He smirks. "And honestly. Look at you. You think anyone would believe you?"
"I have done nothing." My voice is barely above a whisper.
"Haven't you?" He hooks his thumb and forefinger around the flower I plaited into my hair. The flower Kartik gave me. "This does not look like 'nothing'."
"Don't be this way, Simon."
"What way?" he jerks his arm back, causing the flower to fall to the ground where he crushes it under his shoe. "Just because I want you to start acting like a lady, and stop fooling around with heathens before you become a total whore?"
I lose myself then. The sound of my balled fist against his jaw echoes through the quiet room, and everything goes silent. Simon slowly brings his head up, where blood is pouring through his cut mouth. He spits it towards my boot and I recoil, but not quickly enough. He grabs my arm and yanks me forward.
"Learn your place, Gemma." He lets go long enough to draw back his free hand. Before I can dodge it, the force of the blow has nearly knocked me over. I bite my lip and sense the familiar coppery taste stinging my tongue.
We are both breathing heavily as I straighten myself, and blindly reach for my hat. I make my way to the door, but right before I can leave, he seizes my arm again.
The insane spark is still in his eyes. "You deserved it, Gemma."
I pull myself free defiantly. "That's Miss Doyle to you."
And I am gone.
I stumble to the carriage where Kartik is lounging, feet up against one of the horses. He appears to be watching the clouds roll by. He starts upon hearing my footsteps. Takes in the sight of me, hair unruly, lips cut, entire body shaking.
"Gemma, what on Earth—?"
"Take me home, please?"
It is all I remember saying before the familiar tingling feeling begins to pull me under, and I lose myself once more.
Uh, wow. Normally I hardly ever do anything like this. But the mood struck me after I had a similar conversation with someone else…sans the blood, mind you…
Anyway, I'm thinking of continuing, but I'm not sure if I should just keep it a one-shot.
Let me know, that's what the reviews are for.
