Finding the Crystals

Chapter 1, An Ordinary World

"You know what your problem is?" My drunken uncle slurred. It was only a couple hours after sunset, and my uncle had more beer in his unkempt beard than most people have in a week. "I said: do you know what your problem is?" He didn't wait for a reply. "You never fucking talk. You can go 72 hours and not say one damn word."

"Uncle, not true"

"To hell it is." He took another long draft of his drink. "We need to find you a woman. That's what your problem is. You need a woman, son."

I sighed, exasperated. It was clearly time for bed, and just as I was about to say so he started to bang his mug on the tabletop. I rolled my eyes; he was going to sing.

Link, my son, a woman needs
A women to help spread his seeds
Someone to help with all his needs

"You've already said needs, Uncle" I interrupted, hoping to stop this before he spiraled further and further into filth.

"I'm going to get you a woman when I go to town tomorrow. It'll be just what you need. And you can loosen the up."

"Of course," I agreed trying to placate him.

"Don't you belittle me, boy. I'm doing it. Now go buy your uncle another drink."

"Yes, Uncle." I replied. There was no way he was going to be able to get to the city tomorrow. I made my way to the bar, and was greeted by an old friend.

My buddy, Mike, raised his brow. "Another drink for the old man?"

"I'm afraid so, and I'll take one too. It's been a long day, and if he's going to be singing, it'll be an even longer night."

Mike chuckled. "You know if he keeps drinking, you'll be the one going to Hyrule right?"

"Yeah. I realized that after his third drink—an hour ago."

Mike laughed again, and handed me our drinks. "Well if he does make you go, I've got some cloths I've been meaning to sell. They're my wife's old purple cloth. She was planning to make a dress out of them, and then, well, you know. Anyways, I figure purple cloth would make me some rupees. Would you take them with whatever he makes you take?"

"Yeah, man. Of course."

He smiled. No one wanted to make the 2-day trek to the city if they could avoid it. "Great! I'll be by your house a bit after sunrise."

I smiled back, not knowing if he needed a response or not, and took the drinks back to the table.

"What would you even say to a woman that I brought home to you?" My Uncle asked surprisingly single-minded considering the alcohol.

What would I say? I had to admit that this was a good question as my areas of expertise included herding goats/cattle, milking cows, and archery. My uncle took my silence as an invitation to "teach" me something.

"The answer, my boy, is to compliment her. Always compliment. And not just her tits, like a real compliments." He paused as if to think. "Even if she has nice tits."

Sometimes it is hard for me to tell if my uncle is being serious or making a joke. After Mike's wife passed there were only 10 women in our town, and two were related to me. So I was pretty sure he was just drunk talking, but you never know. And honestly I wasn't entirely sure this was something I could ask my sisters.

"Are you even listening to me?" My uncle interrupted my thoughts.

Apparently he had been elaborating his point. "Yes Uncle—always compliment."

"Good, good. Now it's time for me to head home. Lead the way." He downed his drink, stood up, and we walked to our ranch.