Everyone breaks eventually. I remember getting told this a long time ago. At the time I just scoffed at them, raised my chin high, and claimed that I was strong and I would never break. That was before I met Booth. Ever since my family left me I built walls around myself, not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me. I wrapped myself in my own cocoon and I admit I wasn't happy, but I was safe and content. Then Booth came in to my life and taught me to use my heart. He told me it was okay to feel, to love. Every moment I was in Booth's company, a brick in my inner walls would crumble. I never realized that I was letting myself feel until I felt pain.
When Booth was shot and declared dead I realized how much I depended on Booth, how much I needed him, and that scared me. From my teenage years I have been independent, looking after myself, knowing that I was alone. How could I grow such a strong bond without realizing it? I felt betrayed by my own body which felt hollow at the thought of having to get up every morning and live normally without hearing his voice, seeing his smile, feeling his soft touch and other things about him I took for granted. My heart felt raw and battered, and my mind wouldn't let me forget him.
Then he came back to life.
It was all a set-up, a coy to catch an underground criminal. Booth was alive and let me suffer for the two longest weeks of my life. Standing by his fake coffin, I remember the rage building up inside me, rage at him for leaving him, but also rage at myself for letting myself get in to such a state, for letting myself feel for him. I struck him. Not particularly hard but he fell to the ground, not expecting the blow. I saw hurt in his eyes but I just walked away. Isn't that what he did to me? I tried to lock my heart away again, but it was too late; my heart was already his, it always had been.
Everyone breaks eventually. Once I mocked this idea. But now, being so close to breaking myself, I am willing to accept that one day I will break. But it will be different from those two lonely weeks. He will be there to comfort me, to help me put myself back together. I accept this and I'm not afraid. As Booth once said everything happens eventually, and why should I fear something that is destined to come?
