MSEA – The Mary Sue Extermination Agency
Genre: Action/Adventure/Parody
Rating: T-13
Summary: In a bid to rid fanfiction of Mary Sues the Agency was born. Um, yeah, that's pretty much it; read on. T-13 mostly for cynicism and language.
When I first began typing this down I had no intention of posting it. I've posted a few anti-Sue stories in the past, and this served as a private outlet, but after looking through it I realized it wasn't half a bad fic. And besides, it was time I ventured out of the Wrestling section.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Dynasty Warriors, World Wrestling Entertainment, Pirates of the Caribbean, Lost, The MegaTen Series, Final Fantasy and anything and everything from whatever else fandom pops up within the fanfic.All original cahracters used within the Agency are mine.
Obviously this is not Sue-friendly. Consider yourself warned.
Date Uploaded: 30 April 2005
Chapter 01: Plastic Dolls of Doom
It was sunset at the kingdom of Wu. The extremely good-looking strategist and sworn brother of Sun Ce, Zhou Yu, strode purposely down an open hall, wondering where his hyperactive young wife had gone to this time. Xiao Qiao was the only person Zhou Yu knew could fluster him with her frequent disappearances and knack for rushing right into the heat of battle.
And so the gorgeous young man continued on his way, quite unaware of the plot to ensnare him the moment he turned the next corner. Two gleeful eyes the color of sapphires trained on him. The owner was a stunning woman with brown locks held back by an assortment of trinkets even Zhang He would have envied. Her silk gown clung to her extremely curvy body and left little to the imagination. Long legs seemed to stretch on forever and ended in dainty little slippers. She had some pretty Chinese name with an equally pretty meaning, but for the sake of minimizing confusion let us name her Sue000328156.
Any minute now, Sue000328156 thought to herself. She had practiced her damsel in distress act quite well, and knew that one bat of those killer eyelashes would land her this hunk. Xiao who? She scoffed. Oh please, that adolescent had nothing on her. Now just a few more steps…
And her carefully formulated plan was pounded to dust the moment a sword was unsheathed behind her back. Before she could even react the fine blade sliced between her shoulder blades, not killing her but eliminating her very being. Sue000328156 wasn't even able to utter a sound.
The blade was retracted and she staggered a step forward, turning with difficulty to face her attacker. It was another woman, dressed in simple servant's clothes, the sword held expertly in her hands. "Who, w-wha…?" she gasped out in barely audible tones.
The mystery woman simply sheathed her sword and hid it beneath her long robes. "Couldn't have you messing with Wu's pretty boy, now could we?" she said with a cryptic smile.
And within seconds Sue000328156's body began to fade and finally disappeared into a fine mist. All traces that she had ever been there simply melted into the coming evening. Zhou Yu turned the corner to find one of the maids sweeping the hallway. Upon seeing him she stopped, stepped to one side and bowed. He gave a slight nod and went on his way, barely even looking at her.
The mystery woman lifted her head a little to watch him move farther along. Well her work here was done, for now. She gave the same smile as earlier and moved in the direction of the corner he had rounded. She turned there and vanished.
»»»
"Swift, clean, perfect work as usual, Riviera," Erin, her supervisor, commended, nodding her head and tossing the case file onto her desk. "My only beef is that maybe next time you can refrain from being seen at all."
Alexis rolled her eyes. "Give me a break, Erin. You gave me almost no warning or information about this one, and it was a pain in the neck enough to sneak into the castle, not to mention actually find her once inside it."
"It was just a suggestion. You complain too much. You're lucky you're one of my best field agents or I'd never put up with your carping otherwise," Erin grinned, which Alexis promptly returned with a scowl.
They were in Erin's office on one of the top floors of the MSEA building, located within the CPI - Canon Protection Institute – grounds. MSEA stood for Mary Sue Extermination Agency, a vital part in keeping the order among canon in every fandom.
Mary Sues were the pretty, perfect spawns from the imaginations of young writers, mostly female, that infiltrated different fandoms in the hopes of ensnaring their desired hottie (alternately the male form is considered the Marty Stu or Sam). They often inserted themselves so severely within storylines and scripts that their presences would alter the universe of the fandoms they populated. That was when the MSEA was born in an effort to tame and eventually rid the fandoms of these walking, plastic dolls of doom. It was tough work; there was no shortage of teens and pre-teens, sometimes even grown women, fantasizing about pairing what they find are more glamorous or cooler versions of themselves with the likes of Legolas and Draco Malfoy.
Alexis was a salvaged Sue. She had not needed to be taken out by one of MSEA's agents; she had realized the error of her own ways before that happened and willingly joined of her own accord. Now she was, as Erin said, one of the most competent, and thus very much relied on by her supervisor.
"I've got another for you," Erin said, fishing out a different folder from the file rack beside her desk. She handed it to Alexis. "More information this time, so you should be happy about that. Some sort of Elf-Hobbit hybrid," here she grinned wryly. "Ever notice how none of the Sues want to be Dwarves? Anyway, our perpetrator spawns somewhere in Lothlórien; should be easier among those trees than the actual flets in the inner sanctum of Lórien. No doubt a piece of cake for you, huh?"
Alexis rifled through the case file but stopped once Erin mentioned Lothlórien. She threw the folder back onto the desk. "Forget it, Erin. You know I stay well away from Middle-Earth. Send me to deal with Sues from WWE, POTC, even HP – although there's no guarantee I won't take out the wrong chick, don't know much about the canon there – but not LOTR."
Erin sighed. She had hoped to present this mission to Alexis in as non-threatening a way as possible. "Alexis, you know that Middle-Earth has the most number of crazed Mary Sues running around. We're short on workers right now, and your help is invaluable."
"I won't do it."
"Even for me?"
"You don't warrant any favors. You used up the last one when you forced me to hunt down that perverted Stu who inserted himself in BloodRayne. Remember that?"
Erin winced, remembering quite well. "If you hate the thought of going to Middle-Earth this much, you're going to love the next bit."
"And what's that?" Alexis asked suspiciously.
"The department has assigned you a new partner."
Now Alexis' eyes narrowed and her entire expression darkened. "Erin…" she began in a dangerous voice.
Erin held up a hand to stop her. "You know how precarious it is to go out on solitary missions, Alexis. What if you run into a problem? God forbid, but you know that it's a possibility. You're going to need someone to have your back. You've been partner-less for nearly two months and we can't keep risking you going off alone."
"Shouldn't that be my choice whether I want to work solo or not?" Alexis said stubbornly.
"If you're at risk the agency is at risk," Erin said. "There's no use arguing your way out of this one, Alexis, I'm putting my foot down." Here her expression softened. "I know losing your former partner was upsetting and you're wary about getting another one so soon. But this is more for your safety than covering our own asses and you know it."
Alexis sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine, a compromise then. Any chance I can get one over the other?"
Erin shook her head, although an amused smile lifted one corner of her mouth. "No deal this time. Both or I'll have you pushing paper for the next six weeks."
"You're an inhuman slave driver, Van Der Lee," Alexis growled, turning to leave.
"Nice to see that we're seeing eye to eye on this one, Riviera," Erin said, turning her attention back to her computer. "Your partner will be waiting for you at the point of entry at 0800 hours."
Alexis smothered another growl and the door shut behind her.
»»» continued
