Disclaimer: I don't own Boy meets World or its characters.
Summary: Shawn just wants to stop being the screwup that he knows he is. Rated T for some language, attempted suicide, and references to child abuse.
Warning: AU. Shawn's dad died when Shawn was 17, before they left for college.
Chapter 1
Shawn felt his heart hammer in his chest—faster faster faster. His fingers, loosely clasped around the green bottleneck, trembled violently. He was an abusive drunk! Jack's words clamored inside his brain, adding to the howl that muffled all sound coming into his ears. Jack didn't know the half of it. Jack wasn't there. Jack was the lucky one. He was so, so lucky. Shawn felt the wind blow his already messy hair around around around. He felt the tears build behind his tired eyes. But they would not fall. Shawn Hunter never let the tears fall. The unopened bottle dropped from nerveless fingers with a dull thud as he walked toward the ledge of the rooftop. His breath grew ragged and raw. You finally win Dad. You finally win. Shawn climbed up onto the ledge and stood up tall. He looked to the East, into the rising sun. He closed his eyes and spread his arms wide. He breathed in deep and then looked down down down.
"What do you think you're doing Shawn?" A calm voice sounded from behind him. Cory's father stood at the doorway of the stairwell. His voice was soothing but Shawn saw the truth in his eyes. Utter disappointment. He was used to seeing it. He was such a screwup. Shawn once again bit back the tears. He opened his mouth and turned back to the city line.
"What I should have done years ago." He was ashamed of the weakness in his voice and he knew that his father would have been too and his mother and Jack and Cory and John and Angela and Topanga and Mrs. Matthews and—hell—everyone he ever knew. His father would have been so ashamed and Shawn knew what happened when his father was ashamed. He would receive his punishment with open arms this time. He deserved it.
"And what's that Shawn?" Shawn spun around so violently, Alan's heart jumped into his throat. He was going to fall…Frantic anger flashed in Shawn's eyes.
"What do you think?" His voice cracked dramatically and broke Alan's heart in two. "Why the hell do you think I'm standing on the edge of a frickin building? Is there any other explanation or do you just want me to say it? Huh? But this is expected of me Mr. Matthews! I'm the lost cause remember? Why else would I be jumping off a building?" It took all of Alan's strength to keep his voice calm.
"I don't know Shawn. Why are you jumping off a building?" He watched helplessly as the boy frantically grabbed the hair on the sides of his head and pulled as if trying to split his head in two. He vaguely noticed the lack of tears on Shawn's face.
"I—I don't have to explain this to you!" Shawn spluttered, face turning beet red.
"Yes you do. I'm the only one here."
"NO I DON'T! YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT ME! NOBODY DOES! SO—so—so just leave me alone Mr. Matthews…leave me alone and go home." Shawn's voice trailed off and he lowered his head. He once again turned back to the empty chasm and then turned back, as if remembering something he had lost. "And—and tell Cory I'm sorry. He won't…he won't understand. And…I'm sorry for messing up your perfect child…He's—he's a good guy. Tell him he's the best friend that I ever had and I never meant to hurt him and—"
"Tell him yourself." Mr. Matthew's voice was harsh and made Shawn wince. "That boy cares more about you than he does anyone else in the world. Probably even more than Topanga. You're his brother Shawn. You're his other half. You're the one he goes to with everything. No one else. You're just being selfish Shawn Hunter. Selfish."
"SELFISH? HOW THE HELL AM I BEING SELFISH?"
"Cory loves you Shawn. And he needs you." The older man's voiced softened as he looked upon his third son. "You're his family. You can't leave him. You're right—he won't understand. He won't understand and he'll blame himself. You know he will." Shawn scoffed and ran a shaky hand through his hair in desperation. He knew Alan was right. "He loves you Shawn." And something broke within the boy. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, sinking to the ground.
"Nobody loves me." Then he put his head into his hands and began to cry. The immediate threat of danger gone, Alan sat down beside Shawn and put an arm across the trembling shoulders. The boy started violently and shot up, viciously wiping away the traitorous tears.
"It doesn't matter. Never mind."
"No. Shawn, wait—"
"No." Shawn interjected. "Thanks Mr. Matthews, but no thanks. I'm fine." And he set his jaw slightly forward in defiance. He didn't need pity. He needed to be alone. He needed to die. He needed…he needed…he needed…
"I want to help, Shawn." Mr. Matthews rose and put a hand on Shawn's shoulder. He quickly shrugged it off.
"Then don't tell Cory what happened tonight. That's how you can help." And he brushed past Mr. Matthews; his famous Hunter tough outer shell patched up and intact, and disappeared into the darkness once more.
So…first fanfiction ever. What do you think?
