Yes, I should be working on my long House fic (now titled Doppelganger) but I couldn't resist this. It was a rabid plot bunny that bit me painfully. So here it is, a Christmas one-shot special that celebrates the negative attitude to Christmas! Yay House!
'Twas the night before Christmas when our friend Dr House
Was asleep in his bed, curled up like a mouse.
No stocking was hung; House hates the franchise.
So what happened next was quite a surprise.
As House nestled snug, all alone in his bed,
Through the inky black sky flew a miniature sled.
To the house of House it flew straight and true
To spread seasonal cheer to our You-Know-Who.
Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
That House got out of bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he limped with his cane.
His face was scrunched up; quite the image of pain.
He looked out the window through frost and through snow
To find nothing out there: above or below.
Then before his skeptical eyes did appear
A miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer.
Their legs moved quite quickly, perhaps at a canter.
House knew in a moment that it must be Santa.
And the little old man, dressed in red and in white,
Loudly proclaimed to the cold black night:
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
House muttered, "The fuck? When did I have a porch?"
As ol' Santa flashed on, as bright as a torch.
High up in the sky, right up to the roof
And House heard the pawing of each little hoof.
As there was no chimney through which Santa could go,
How he got in House will never quite know.
But he soon heard a sound from the room next door;
The sound of footsteps on the wooden floor.
House limped next door and what met his eyes
Was the sight of Santa with many mince pies.
He said, "Do not worry, my man, do not fear."
House said, "What the fuck are you doing in here!
Did I give you permission! Now get the fuck out!"
Santa replied, "You don't need to shout.
Please don't be distressed, I just bring Christmas cheer.
Now why on Earth do you have to jeer?"
House stood there calmly, took his Vicodin.
To be obnoxious to Santa he saw not a sin.
"I don't like Christmas," he said, "and what's more,
What would I believe in Santa for?
This is insane and where this all stops.
Now get the hell out before I call the cops!"
With these angry words, to be he retreated,
While Santa looked downcast, completely defeated.
With his head hung low and a gloomy expression,
He murmured he'd finally learnt his lesson.
As House got into bed, cursing lack of sleep,
And soon fell into slumber deep.
Santa returned to his sleigh with a sigh
And with his eight reindeer took to the sky.
Getting House to be festive was not worth the strife.
"Merry Christmas, you bastard, now go get a life!"
Merry Christmas y'all and a Happy New Year!
