A/N: Hey all! I apologize for taking so long to get this story up here on this site. Anyways, this is the sequel to my other fic, Disrepair. Please keep in mind that I do not have a set schedule for posting, and the time between postings will probably be a while because of school. So bear with me please. I hope you enjoy this more lighthearted adventure with Bella. -M.
Chapter 1 - I Must Move On
BPOV
Sometimes, when I hold a knife I'll get a shiver. I'm remembering the ecstasy that would course through my veins. The urge to draw that line across my skin flares. I want that rush so badly. Want it so badly I can practically taste it.
Then I remember my family and Edward, and I'll stop myself. I tell myself that there are better ways to feel the rush. And I'll gently place the knife down as if it was a bomb that was ready to blow if I moved just a little bit too quickly. Putting the knife down is the easy part, it's the walking away from it that's truly hard.
…
"Bella!"
"Fucking what?!"
I had been trying to ignore her because I knew what she wanted, and I wasn't up for it. But she just kept saying my name over and over, using various pitches and such just to make it nearly impossible to ignore her.
"Why the hostility?" she asked.
I rolled my eyes. "You know why, Alice."
"Come on! Please!"
"No," I said sternly as I shook my head to drive the point home.
…
AN HOUR LATER
Well, fuck. I'd thought I'd said no to this. Damn Alice and her magical way of getting what she wants. And the worst part is that I didn't even know how she managed it.
We were barely through the doors before she was piling clothes into a shopping basket.
"You're not going to make me try all those on are you?"
She looked at me blankly and said, "Uh, yea. How else will you know if it fits and looks good?"
I sighed. Trying on clothes, especially clothes that were more Alice than me, was nowhere near my idea of a good time. But I was trying to bond here; I had to make an effort. For Alice.
In the end I hated to admit it, but I did have fun. Although, of course, I could have done without the clothes shopping altogether.
Once Alice finally took pity on me and checked out, we went to Westgate to get some food. It was the first time I'd been back since the day of the shootout, and I shuddered at the memory.
The bad that happened far out shadowed the good that shone on that day.
EPOV
My life bordered on perfect. I had a career I loved, a beautiful girlfriend I also loved, and a great outlook for the future. Only problem was that that was mostly a delusional fantasy. While I did love my girlfriend, Bella, our outlook on the future was rocky at best. It was hard to contend with her personality. Her nature. I knew she felt completely unworthy of the love I was offering her. I could see it in the way she would advert her eyes every time I said those three little words.
But not once did I think I wasn't up to the challenge. I would make her see one day that it was I who didn't deserve her loving.
Which was another thing, she had yet to say 'I love you' back. While it hurt, I could understand how she must feel. But her eyes told me more than her words ever could. It was in the way they sparkled when I walked into a room, after I told her I loved her, when I would move in to kiss her. So, as much as I would love to hear those words fall from her lips, I just knew she wasn't ready to speak them.
Someday I would make her my wife, and I was absolutely okay with waiting as long as it would take for her to be at that point with me.
Of course I hoped that that would happen sooner rather than later.
My relationship with Bella, well, it was certainly different than anything I'd ever experienced before. It was quite chaste. But I was unwilling to push her for more, when she wasn't ready. If I were in her shoes, I'd probably be the same way: Afraid to move on with another person. And I had no desire to replace the love she had for her late husband, Jacob. I wanted something unique with her, and something unique is what we have. It was frustrating at times, because I was a man, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
BPOV
"So, Bella," he began. "How is your relationship with Edward going?"
I sighed. This was not a new question. I'd been asked it just about every session. Yet I still couldn't find the words for it, and until I did, Jasper was going to repeatedly ask. He even swore on it. But today was different. I felt like I had something to say on the matter. Something I felt ready to say out loud.
I cleared my throat obnoxiously, trying in vain to remove the frog I'd acquired at the mention of the topic at hand. "I feel like I'm holding him back, Jasper."
"How do you mean?"
"I mean in every way possible. Especially his future."
"Why his future?"
I knew this would hurt the most to say, so I squinted my eyes shut and kept them shut. "Because I don't feel like I can love him the way he loves me. I'm afraid to."
"What's so scary about it?"
"Because I'm afraid to lose him like I lost Jake," I whispered. My eyes shot open wide at my admission. It was a surprise to myself.
Jasper scooted forward in his chair, grabbing my hand between both of his.
"Bella, what happened to Jake was his own doing. Not yours. You have to understand that. There was nothing you could have done to prevent his death. He was in too deep with the wrong people. You. Cannot. Blame. Yourself. Edward is a very smart, very cautious man. You know this. He would never do anything to endanger you, and I know you wouldn't either. Because you love him, just like you loved Jake, but in a different way. You deserve to love and be loved, Bella. Say it."
I grumbled unintelligently.
"Say it," he ordered.
"I deserve to love and be loved," I said weakly.
"No! Say it with feeling."
"I deserve to love and be loved."
"Louder! Mean it."
From the depths of my toes I yelled, "I deserve to love and be loved!"
Jasper smiled widely at me, giving my hand an encouraging squeeze. "Yes you do," he said.
…
With determination pushing me forward I moved with purpose across his front yard, up and onto his porch. I didn't knock. I didn't say a word. I just walked straight towards him, throwing him completely off guard. He sat on that couch stunned at what was probably a look he hadn't quite ever seen on me.
For once I didn't hesitate to move in. I captured his lips with mine, pouring every ounce of feeling into it that I could. His surprise was evident in his momentary hesitation. The moan that came deep from his throat spurred me on and drove my courage further allowing me to deepen the kiss.
For the life of me I couldn't understand why I'd held back for so fucking long. Jasper was right, Edward was completely different from Jake.
I pulled back suddenly, stunning Edward yet again. I had to say it. I just knew that I had to. Knew it deep in my bones. So deep that it actually ached to hold in.
"Edward," I whispered huskily, looking him in the eyes.
"Bella," he replied in kind.
"Edward, I love you."
A/N: Like I told the ladies over on Twilighted, this is not how I expected the first chapter to go, but it just felt right so I'm running with it. Thanks for reading!
