Never Gone by saulalovin
A NCIS fan fiction
Pairing: Tony DiNozzo and Kate Todd
Summary: "I forgive you…for thinking that I was ever gone."
Disclaimer: You think Kate would be gone if I owned NCIS and its characters? Damn straight she wouldn't be.
Spoilers: "SWAK", "Twilight" and Season 3.
Author's Note: I finally watched most of Season 3! (Well, until 03x09 "Frame Up", anyway.) And okay, I like Ziva, but she's not Kate. So here's my little Christmas present to all you Tate shippers out there. Hope you like it. (And no, I haven't totally abandoned Back Here or the epilogue for Can You Stand the Rain – I just haven't gotten around to writing them yet 'cause inspiration is taking its sweet time to hit. I appreciate the support. You guys rock!)
PART ONE
He stepped under the spray of water and flinched as the cold drops slid down his body. When the cold water didn't wake him up in the way he had hoped it would, he let out a sigh, shut off the water and leaned against the cool tile of the shower wall.
He, Tony DiNozzo, was a mess.
He had been one since late spring – since shehad been killed.
It was true, what he had told Paula Cassidy: that he dealt with it by not thinking about it. Her. Whatever – anything that was vaguely related to that day.
It had become a little routine for him – get up, go to work, pretend to be same old juvenile playboy Anthony DiNozzo, come home, stop acting.
He didn't like coming home. While it was exhausting to act like everything was just peachy, he felt that if he pretended hard enough, he could almost make himself believe that things were all right. At home, alone, without anything to distract him, thoughts and images and memories came to him uncontrollably.
Last night had been the worst so far.
Last night he had dreamt of her. It wasn't the fact that he had dreamt about her that bothered him, for he dreamt about her often, even before her death. It was what had happened in the dream that disturbed him.
They were cuddled up together on his bed, talking, laughing and kissing. He was feeling intensely happy and content simply because she was in his arms, and she felt the same way as she reveled in warmth and safety he provided.
She looked up at him and raised a hand to gently stroke his face. He nuzzled his nose into her palm and pressed a kiss into it. She laughed and looked at him tenderly, her eyes shining with love.
"I missed you," he said softly.
"I missed you, too," she whispered back. "And I forgive you."
"What? What for?" He frowned, trying to remember what he had done.
She smiled at him somewhat sadly, tears in her eyes. "For thinking that I was ever gone."
He had woken up in a cold sweat, his sheets all tangled up around his legs. The dream had been so real. For a fleeting moment he had searched for her, thinking she was in the room with him, before he remembered that she was gone.
Kate Todd was dead. She was gone, contrary to whatever his subconscious was telling him. He had seen how it happened – how she had jumped in front of the shot aimed at Gibbs, how that first bullet had gotten wedged in between the layers of the bulletproof vest, how she had never finished her sentence because the bullet had hit the back of her head and gone straight out through the front…
The images that came were too vivid, too real – he felt like he was reliving it again, the way he had so many times before in his dreams. He reached up to touch his face, and his heartbeat slowed a little when he saw that it was just water, not her blood.
Ari Haswari had not only killed Kate Todd with that one bullet. With that one bullet, he had killed a part of Tony DiNozzo as well. That one bullet had also killed whatever chance they had had to ever admitting their feelings to one another.
He had noticed that something new had been building up inside of him in the weeks before her death. There was a tenderness towards her that he had never felt before. He found his care and concern for her reaching levels that were more than what should exist between partners. Getting the plague had forced him to realize that he was falling in love with her.
He had been scared shitless. It was the first time he had ever felt this way towards a woman, and he knew with a chilling certainty that Gibbs would absolutely not approve of this. In fact, he was as good as dead if – no, when – Gibbs found out. And, God, Gibbs aside – there was the rest of the team, and Kate herself.
Still, he had begun to suspect that Kate was feeling the same way towards him.
"I can't believe you talked Brad into letting you sleep here," he said in a raspy voice, his eyes still closed.
In the next bed, she smiled to herself. "Well, I couldn't leave you here by yourself, now could I? Who knows what you would've done to poor Nurse Emma."
Outside the isolation room, the young nurse chuckled quietly when she heard that. However, if her instincts were right – and they usually were – she was actually quite safe with this Tony DiNozzo, because he wasn't interested in her.
Not with his pretty brunette partner inches away from him who was obviously smitten with him the same way he was with her.
Assured that Tony would be all right if she left the two alone for a while, she cast one last knowing glance in their direction and exited quietly.
"Oh, come on, Katie. In my condition? I don't think so."
"Like that's ever stopped you before," she shot back.
"Ouch, Kate, ouch." As if on cue, a cough erupted from him, and he struggled to sit up.
She was by his side in an instant, and she helped him sit up. She rubbed his back comfortingly and brushed the hair out of his eyes. He looked up at her and she stared into his eyes, unable to look away.
"Thanks, Kate," he finally said simply.
"Yeah, sure," she said, too aware of the fact that the mood in the room had shifted. Flustered, she turned to go back to her own bed, but his strong hand on her wrist held her back. He pulled her to him, and their faces were dangerously close. Her heartbeat began to quicken in pace, but she found herself wishing that he would just kiss her.
And he did. He pressed his lips to hers and kissed her gently. Feeling like her heart would explode, she kissed him back. Before it could get too heated, he pulled away and smiled at her. "Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams."
They had never gotten the chance to talk about any of it – that kiss, their growing feelings, the possibility of exploring those feelings… Gone. The chance was gone.
She was gone.
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"See you Monday, Tony!" Abby called with an exuberant wave before getting into McGee's car. "Bye!"
Tony grinned, tipped an imaginary hat in their direction and got into his car. In an instant his smile faded and he shut his eyes tightly for a few seconds.
The workday was over. He had tried to put in some overtime, but there was nothing – no cases, no paperwork, nothing. Gibbs had even sent them home early. He had no choice but to go home.
He had acted happy that he had a free evening to spend with the woman of his choice. After announcing to the bullpen weeks ago that he had dumped Monica because he had found out she was married, he had bragged loudly about his trysts with several other women… But in truth, none of those women were real.
He hadn't dated or slept with anyone since before he had gotten sick with the plague.
With a sigh he started the engine and peeled out of the parking slot. He caught a glimpse of Ziva before turning the corner and couldn't help but feel a rush of resentment towards the former Mossad agent.
Almost immediately, he felt a twinge of guilt. It wasn't Ziva's fault. If she had come in as simply another agent, they wouldn't have treated her so coldly when she first started. But she had arrived at a time when wounds were still open and raw. Now, she wasn't so bad, but she was a constant reminder to everyone on the team of what – whom – they had lost.
He wondered if any of the others were as affected as he was by Kate's death, and he realized that they all were, but in different ways. He knew that Gibbs still thought that her death was his fault (and when he was feeling extremely angry, he often thought that maybe it really had been Gibbs's fault – but he would take it back quick enough, his cheeks burning with shame). McGee had looked up to her and seemed to work doubly hard now at solving cases – his way of making her proud. Abby had lost more than a colleague – she had lost her best friend, and her loyalty to Kate had never wavered, which explained her hostility towards Ziva. Ducky had seen Kate as a daughter, and he knew he missed having someone to tell stories to – someone who actually listened, that is.
Even Ziva was affected. She knew she had big shoes to fill, and he had to hand it to her, because she had stopped trying to fill them after the realization that no matter what she did, she would never really be Kate Todd. Not even close. So now, she was doing her own thing and being her own person, and they all liked her better that way.
He gripped the steering wheel tighter as a lump formed in his throat. Things had changed so much after her death. And for the nth time, he wished that everything could go back to the way it was before she died.
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Tony slid his house key into the lock and turned the knob. He went inside, and with another weary sigh he took off his gloves, scarf and coat, tossed his keys onto the small table in the foyer, and walked into the living room.
He was startled to find someone sitting at his couch, and his hand instinctively went for his gun.
The person turned around to face him and smiled. "Hello, Tony."
"Kate?" he whispered hoarsely, sure that he was hallucinating.
He took an uncertain step towards her, and then another, and the next thing he knew, she was in his arms. He clung to her tightly, burying his face in her hair and breathing in her familiar scent.
A long while later he pulled back and just looks at her, his eyes raking over every little detail. Her hair was longer and she looked thinner than he remembered, but she was still beautiful and still Kate.
A shadow crossed over his face, and he took an uncertain step back. "Is that really…you?"
She smiled softly, her brown eyes glinting with unshed tears. "It's me, Tony. It's really me."
"How? I mean, you died. Well, obviously, you didn't," he said, more to himself than to her. "What happened? Wait, how do I know you're really Kate Todd and not just some imposter?"
She was about to shoot an exasperated look his way when she realized that he was entitled to some proof, considering the odd circumstances. She thought for a second of something that only she and Tony knew. After some slight hesitation (would she seem too forward?), a blush that creeping up her cheeks, she leaned forward and gave him a loving kiss on the lips.
She had gone on for too long without this – without him.
Before she could pull away completely, his lips had reclaimed hers, and she let out a happy sigh before breaking the kiss and leaning her forehead against his.
"Convinced?" she managed to get out.
"Oh yeah." He grinned at her, and she grinned back, her cheeks flushed. He led her over to the couch and they both sat. "So…what happened?"
"It's a long story. So, uh… You know how Ari wanted to kill Gibbs, right? And the FBI, they didn't really know where his loyalties were or if he was just screwing with them the way he did with us. Some agents suspected that Ari might not kill Gibbs first – not literally, at least. Being the ahole that he is – " Tony reached out and took Kate's hands in his, in an attempt to keep them from shaking with rage " – he would have wanted to start by taking out people who were close to Gibbs first. Gibbs's family isn't really in the picture, so he would probably go with one of us." She swallowed hard. "They thought that I was the likeliest target. One night some Feds basically kidnapped me and brought me to their HQ. In one of the rooms there was this girl, and… God, Tony, she looked exactly like me. She was one of their agents and she was going to impersonate me, to see if their little theory was actually correct. If it wasn't, well then no harm done. But if it were, they told me that she would've been in a better place to deal, since she's trained in this kind of stuff, and…
We made the switch shortly before we – I mean, you guys – headed up on that rooftop. They didn't think he would've aimed for her head, Tony, but he did, and now she's dead. It could've – no, it should've – been me, but it wasn't. Someone totally innocent died for me, Tony!" She was fully crying at this point, tears sliding down her cheeks, and he pulled her closer to him as she began to sob harder.
"I don't understand," she choked out, "why did they do this? Why would they deliberately put one of their people in danger? I'm no longer Secret Service – I'm just some NCIS agent. Why would they care?
It was so stupid – after you guys tracked down Ari and finally killed him, I thought it was okay, that I could go back and see you and Abby and Ducky and Gibbs and McGee, but they said to lay low for a while, because Ari had people here in the US, and apparently, before he died, he had begun to have suspicions that I wasn't really dead. It took months for them to make sure his little cell here was disbanded. Last month I went back to Indiana and had a little reunion with my family. The looks on their faces…it was as though they had seen a ghost. And they had – they thought I was dead!" She looked at him, her face tearstained and eyes rimmed with red. "And of everything that happened, that was the kicker – the fact that this little number the FBI pulled had caused so much hurt to the people I love. They thought I was dead, Tony! My poor parents… And you, and Gibbs, and Abby and Ducky and McGee – you thought I was dead, too!"
That brought on a new wave of tears. Kate reached up to use her fingers to wipe away the tears on her face, but he placed a gentle hand on her wrist and used his white handkerchief to dab away at them. At this tender gesture, she looked at him with an expression of surprise, and he quickly opened his mouth defensively. "Don't worry, it's clean. I swear."
In spite of herself, she laughed and whacked his upper arm lightly. "I wasn't – never mind." The realization of what she had just done suddenly dawned on her. "Oh, God – I'm sorry. I come here after being 'dead' for half a year, you ask what's going on, I end up blubbering like some pathetic idiot."
"Hey – I don't know about that last part," he said, his expression growing serious, "but none of this was your fault. Please don't blame yourself for any of it. The FBI should be the ones feeling guilty. It was all them, okay? You didn't have anything to do with it." When she didn't respond, he lifted her chin using his finger. "Hey, look at me. None of this was your fault. Okay?"
"Okay," she whispered.
"You must be starving – how about some dinner?" he asked, grinning. "How does Chinese sound?"
She opened her mouth to object – hadn't she imposed on him enough already? – but changed her mind at the tempting thought of spending more time with him. "You know what? Chinese sounds perfect."
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"I heard some things about you guys," Kate said, delicately picking up a piece of hot and sour shrimp between her chopsticks. "You got a new agent?" She tried to sound nonchalant, but the tinge of jealousy in her tone was evident, even to her.
Tony abandoned his attempt at trying to use chopsticks to look at her. "Yeah, Ziva – Ziva David. She was Mossad, and Ari was her half-brother. She killed him, Kate. Shot him in Gibbs's basement. And you don't have to be jealous of her – she's not your replacement. We don't think of her that way, anyway. Besides, we all knew that no one could replace you."
She smiled. "Had you guys gone soft while I was gone? I like this new mushy DiNozzo – is Gibbs like this, too?"
He made a face and used one of the chopsticks to spear a dumpling. "Don't count on it – unless he's around Director Shepard, that is."
"Are they…?" She raised her eyebrows.
"No, but I get the feeling they used to be something. The way he looks at her, and the way she looks at him… They've got some history there."
They ate quietly for a while, and after a while she finally looked at him. "I, uh, heard you were framed."
A shadow came across his face. "Yeah. He pretended to be Abby's lab assistant. He was good, Kate – he nearly got away with it all. He got his hands on my DNA, my teeth marks, even carpet from my car… Nearly killed Abby, too."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, and caressed his cheek. "I wish I could've been there for you."
"You could be…from now on," he said, being perfectly serious.
"We never did have this conversation, did we," she said softly with a little half-smile.
"No, we didn't," he agreed. "I've missed you these past months."
"I've missed you, too," she said, her eyes never leaving his.
"When I thought you were dead…it was like a part of me had died with you. It sounds stupid, like just another one of those lines, but it's true. I would fall asleep every night wishing that I had just one more chance so I could tell you how I feel." He took both of her hands in his. "I never used to believe in love. I guess that's why I played around. But when I got sick, and you stayed there the whole time with me, it's like I finally got it. I finally started believing. I fell in love with you, Kate, and I fell hard. I was going to tell you, but then Ari came back, and then… It was too late. And now…here it is. Here's that chance I wanted."
He kissed her chastely on the lips. "I want you to know that I love you, Kate. And I hope you're going to give this relationship a try, even though I used to be this juvenile – " He was silenced by her lips on his, they kissed, not caring if the moo shu pork had spilled underneath them.
"I love you too, Tony," she murmured against his lips.
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"What happened here?" Kate asked, lovingly running a hand over a scar across his forehead as they lay in each other's arms on Tony's bed.
"Basically I was beat up," he recalled with a wince. "Ziva and I, we were working undercover as a pair of married assassins, and it didn't really go too well at the end."
"Married?" She hated how jealous she felt.
"Yes, married." He looked at her a moment, and then kissed her, pouring all of his feelings into the kiss. When he pulled away, she had a dazed, happy expression on her face. "And none of that, I felt for her, so don't worry, okay?"
"Okay. I'm sorry. I just…want you all to myself."
"You do, Kate." He brushed a light kiss on her forehead.
"So, tomorrow, when I go in… It'll be weird, won't it?"
"It will at first, but it'll be okay. You'll see. I mean, you can even tell Gibbs about the whole FBI thing."
"And have him kill every agent there? I don't think so. The US needs the FBI. …Much as I'd like to sic Gibbs on them."
"I would've wanted to see that, though."
"And us?"
"What aboutus?"
"We're going to be fine?"
"More than fine, Kate. I promise."
AN: That came out fluffier than I expected. Oh, well. (P.S. I'm not mad at the Feds. I just needed a reason for Kate to still be alive.) Reviews, please!
