1. Not quite what it sounds like.
It's some weeks after the wedding. Spike and Buffy are out on her nightly patrol through the grave yard.
Buffy: That's every night this week you've been out patrolling with me.
Spike: You know I love being with you.
Buffy: And the I do's at the alter didn't do it for ya?
Spike: Hey, I'm just enjoying all this married bliss thing. I'm somebody's husband now. Got to take my husbandly duties seriously.
Buffy: Ah. That's what the bedrooms for.
Spike: Hey I'm more than a pretty face and your sex toy.
Buffy: Yeah. Well see, later tonight. (She give him a knowing look.)
Spike: Least something's dinnit change.
Suddenly a vamp jumps out at them. He is soon joined by two more. They are wielding weapons.
Charles: So you must be the slayer. We've heard of you. And we're gonna clobber you.
Buffy: Yeah. Like I haven't heard that one before. (She looks at them and they all have on the same jacket.) What is this? Like some motor cycle gang for the undead?
Jack: No! We're gathering a group together, and when we get enough members we're going to go on a road trip of death and destruction. (They all cheer in unison.) I'm Jack the Ritter. This here's Charles Hanson, and over there he's Issie.
Buffy: Issie?
Jack: Yeah, you know like Issie Borden. Forty whacks with an ax, like's he's going to do with your heads.
Spike: Ah, not to sound dumb, but wasn't it Ripper, and Manson? And isn't Lissie Borden a girl?
Issie: (Sniffling slightly.)
Jack: We wanted to do something original with the names. See now look what you've gone and done. Do you know how sensitive he is about that?
Buffy: (She just roles her eyes.) Oh boy here we go again. Least I'm not fighting characters from Interview with the vampire tonight. Where'd you find each other. Did ya go to put out an add in the paper? Under single dead vamp needs other S.D.V. To go on a killing spree.
Charles: Don't be stupid. I used the Internet. Much quicker that way. Plus I got a discount on the jacket's by doing the order on line.
Issie: Enough talking we're waiting for our friend Bart to rise and were taking no prisoners. (He pulls back his ax, and takes a swipe at Spike's head.)
Spike: (Ducking just in time to avoid the ax. He jabs the vamp in the stomach and they begin fighting.) I'll give ya forty whacks, and then some. Here's another. (He connects his fist to the vamps face while avoiding the ax.)
Buffy: (Responding to Charles.) Stupid would be you. These stupid get ups, and getting in my way while I'm out patrolling. (She gives Charles the vamp, a quick upper cut to the face. Takes out her stake and goes on the attack.)
Jack: Hey, I designed these jackets. How dare you call them stupid. (He tries to attack Buffy from behind.)
Buffy: (She kicks back. Getting the vamp between the leg as he doubles over.) Sorry stupid is such a harsh word, I think pretty and frilly with cute names all over the back is a way better description. (She ducks as Charles tries to stab her with a knife. She gives him a triple combination punch.)
Spike: He is rolling around on the floor with Issie. Sees Jack about to attack Buffy again, they roll towards the other vamp and Spike throws him off balance with a scissor kick maneuver.
Buffy: (Sees what he did, for her.) Thanks.
Spike: It's what I'm here for sweetheart. (Spike gets control of the ax, as they roll on the floor. He picks it up, and whams it into the vamp. Who shatters to dust around him.) Problem with vamps, one whack in the right spot and they turn to dust.
Buffy: (As Charles comes at her again with the knife. She lunges her stake up, and connects this time with the essential spot and he goes flying to dust and pieces all around her.) Know what you mean.
Jack: You're both gonna di... (Rising something that looks like a hook, he is about to go after them. But before he can finish the thought. Buffy rolls over Spike's back for leverage, and kicks the weapon out of Jack's hand, and lunges her stake into the vamp.)
Buffy: (Talking to the pile of dust.) And you were saying?
Spike: Betting he was gonna say, we are both gonna destroy him into a big pile o' dust. And so we did. (See another vamp rising from the grave.) Buffy look out!
Buffy: (Stakes the vamp who is just coming out of some newly dug earth.) Ow. (Looks at her hand.) Relax, I got him.
Spike: (Goes over and picks up a jacket the vamps were carrying before they all got dusted. It say's Bart and Ernie, with Ernie slashed out.) This is good quality workmanship on this jacket.
Buffy: But why does the jacket say Bart? I mean I get. Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, and Lissie Borden. But Bert? He's a muppet. Nothing evil there.
Spike: Hey don't be so sure. There's a whole web site devoted to Bert being an evil muppet. Read all about it when Willow let me use her computer to go on the internet. (Looks proud of himself.)
Buffy: (Just rolls her eyes.) You read?
Spike: Funny. I can spell, write, know my abc, and a few other tricks too. Sure you remember from last night luv. (He raises his eye brow at her.)
Buffy: Well there is something you can help me do right now.
Spike: What you got another itch you need me to scratch? (Gives her a suggestive look.)
Buffy: Close. Come with me, you'll see.
Over on a bench in the grave yard.
Spike: (They are together on a bench in the cemetery. Buffy is on Spikes lap.) Stop squirming this is killing me as much as it's killing you.
Buffy: I doubt that, I'm the one who has it inside me. (Moans out. She is in a bit of pain.) Would you hurry up, I can't take much more of this.
Spike: Working it back and forth is the only way to get it out.
Buffy: It's just I've never had one this size in me before. (She moans out again.)
Spike: Well you had it in your hand. You practically forced it inside you.
Buffy: How did I force it inside me? I assure you it went in of it's own free will.
Spike: Hold still. I think I have the right rhythm this time. Almost there.
Xander enters the graveyard. He's comes to find Buffy and he walks in on the scene in the grave yard.
Xander: (He's a little put off by the scene in front of him, but instead of making his presence known he just looks on. Mesmerized by the scene before him.)
Buffy: After you take it out of me, you better kiss it and make it better. (Beads of sweat are running down her brow. She knows to reach their final goal she must put up with this just a little longer.)
Spike: Oh I'll do a lot more than kiss it and make it better. I'll soothe it with my mouth, for as long as you like.
Buffy: Promise. (She sees him nods.) When you talk like that, I think I can endure anything.
Willow: (Finding Xander in the graveyard, coming over to see what he's looking at. In a whispered voice.) Xander what are you doing?
Xander: (Surprised cause he's been so mesmerized by the scene in front of him.) Aw nothing.
Willow: I can't believe you're watching, I can't even look. (She's seen what's going on at the bench and she turns around to look away.) How can you watch that?
Xander: It's not as bad as it looks. Besides he's got a real technique there, with the back and forth. It's almost hypnotic.
Buffy: We've been at this forever. (She sounds breathless.) How much longer?
Spike: Till I can get the right spot. Now stop moving already, just relax. (They are so caught up with what they are doing, they don't notice Willow and Xander's presence.)
Buffy: How can you ask me to relax at a time like this. I'm too worked up.
Spike: Not much longer now. I got it. (He rocks her hand back and forth.) It's coming.
Buffy: I can feel it. (She starts to moan out really loud.) Ow, Ow, Ow, (Then she screams out it relief.) Oh. Finally. (She has a tear running down her face.) That left me exhausted.
Spike: Me too.
Xander: I think, I can see it from here. I've never seen one that size? It's amazing you really should have a look Willow.
Willow: Xander that's just gross. Is it over with now?
Xander: Yeah, it's over with now, he finally pulled it out of her. (Wipes the sweat from his brow.) Call me a voyeur, but I couldn't help watching. Next time Anya asks for me to assist her. I'll know what to do. What a great technique Spike has. Willow you really should have watched this. Bet you could have learnt a thing or two. Come on let's go over.
Buffy: That was it? (Looks at the splinter that was causing her so much pain.) That was the splinter?
Spike: That's it, that's our little bad boy that was causing you so much pain. Serves you right, for carrying wooden stakes.
Buffy: Not my fault this one wasn't smoothed out properly. That splinter practically forced itself into my finger. (Holds up her finger.) You said you'd kiss it and make it all better.
Spike: I did. dinnit I? (He kisses her finger with his mouth. Then he's about to suckle her finger.)
Xander: Would you two cut that out. We don't want to see anything gross now.
Buffy: (Looking up for the first time.) Xander. Willow. When did you two get here?
Willow: Xander and I stooped by the house. Dawn said you and Spike had gone patrolling. So we went to grab some ice cream. We picked some up and came by then saw you with Spike. (Points to Buffy's finger.) We saw Spike trying to get your splinter out. I couldn't watch. The site of a splinter and I go all whoosey.
Spike: Slayer with super strength and she goes super sucky over a little splinter.
Xander: Little splinter? Hey I could see that thing from over there. That's a good size splinter.
Buffy: (Pouting.) Thanks for the back up Xander. (Sticks her tongue out at Spike.)
Spike: (Shakes his head.)
Xander: Anytime Buff. And Spike, I've got to say that's some technique you've got there. Where did ya learn that?
Spike: I watch a lot of telly. That Martha Stewart's got a work around for everything. She uses a potato cut in half to remove broken light bulbs from the socket. Know what, works like a charm.
Xander: No wonder. Anya says Martha Stewart is a witch. Apparently no one could do that much decoupage without calling on the forces of darkness.
Spike: Never really thought of it before. That explains so much.
Xander: Yeah hun. That's what I said.
Willow: Would you two stop going on. Buffy's got a little boo-boo on her finger. Want some ice cream. It's kind of melty by now, but you can still sip it from the package.
Buffy: (Getting up from her comfortable perch on Spikes lap.) I would love some ice cream. After slaying and being injured in the line of duty. I think I deserve something yummy.
Spike: Injured in the line of duty? That vamp almost took my head off.
Buffy: Yep, and I took a splinter in the finger. I'd say that makes us about even.
Spike: How you figure that one out?
Buffy: I don't have to. I'm injured. (She links arms with Willow and the two walk off ahead.)
Spike: (Shakes his head.)
Xander: I hear ya. Woman. (Xander hands him, the package with ice cream.) That's ok. We all know who the hero was around here tonight. Anya gets a splinter and it's Xander this, Xander that. Thousand years killing and wounding men and one little splinter or bunny and it's all over with.
Spike: (Takes the ice cream from Xander.) Thanks. I hear you on that one. Super Slayer Strength, one splinter and she goes all wounded kitten on me. Biggest baby, good thing we know who wears the pants round here.
Buffy: (Turning back.) Are you two coming.
Spike: Be right there.
Xander: Ah, she does?
Spike: Hey. We share. (They walk off after Willow and Buffy.)
The four leave the cemetery and make their way to various other destinations, with a promise to Willow that they will try to stop by her new place at some point tomorrow. Spike and Buffy go home to kiss any hurts she might have and make them better. Willow goes home to her new apartment. Xander reluctantly goes home to have another argument with Anya about the wedding he called off.
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