Consequences
In the end, it was not Naraku that killed me.
It was not myself either (though I confess that given a few more minutes, it could have been).
In the end, it hadn't even mattered.
Inuyasha and Kikyo were together again. It was spelled out on my friends faces. The way Sango shot me apologetic looks. In the way Shippo would not look at me at all. And also in the way Miroku was pretening to be sleeping. I asked once, and every person went rigid for a moment, the one moment of tension broken when Sango gasped a frightened, "I haven't seen him."
That was answer enough. I stood from my position on the ground, and stalked into the forest, my feet making loud thumps in my ears.
It wasn't that I couldn't believe it. On the contrary, I was quite used to it. The jealousy that hurt more than I ever wanted to. My heart shied away from it, scared of such emotion. It was full of betrayal, self loathing, anger, and... just pain.
I hadn't planned to go looking for them. I wasn't looking for them at all. Though I knew they wouldn't be far, I dared not look for them. I just walked. I wanted to escape.
It was dark outside, the full moon made the forest look menacing and eerie, but I wasn't afraid. I was used to the trees, of feeling eyes on me. I would constantly reprimand myself, telling myself that I'm being paranoid.
I didn't use common sense. The sense that said I shouldn't run off in the middle of the night when there are demons around. The sense that said you should always have a weapon with you. The sense to... use any sense at all.
That, in the end, is what killed me.
Furious, hurt tears are streaming down my face. I know I'll forgive him, because, really, there's nothing to forgive. He can't be blamed. He doesn't know, doesn't understand. Even if he did, his choice is abundantly clear.
He loves Kikyo. More than anyone. More than me.
Does he really even love me?
The bitter realization that the unwanted feelings may not even be slightly mutual, or irrelevant still makes me burst out laughing. Actually, I'm not sure if I'm laughing or crying. Maybe both?
I begin to wipe furiously at my eyes, unsure of how to proceed. I know where I am, but I'm not sure where it is that I want to go. Do I want to go back to the camp we set up? Do I want to continue on to the Bone Eater's Well? Do I want to go home? If I go another way, will I run into them?
While a part of me wants to know what's going on, another part of me is so disgusted with myself that I turn toward the Bone Eater's Well at a quick pace, trying to block all sounds from my ears.
How much more stupid can he get? I muse to myself darkly, doesn't he like being himself? No, of course not! Because he wants to go to Hell with Kikyo.
I shake my head sadly, gulping against the new tears that begin falling down my face. They're not tears for my selfish reasons, they're tears for Inuyasha. Tears for a man who is hopelessly in love with a woman who doesn't... love him the way she should.
She should love him unconditionally. She should love everything about him, from his ears to his clawed toes. She should love that he's cranky, that he's selfish, that he's sarcastic, that he's rash, that he gets jealous easily, that he will give up everything for her. She should accept all of him, because you can't love a person without loving everything about them.
And I do. I love that he's a half demon. I love that his hair is silver, and that he has amazing amber eyes, that we fight constantly, and that he's just so... naïve.
I love the way he can't tell what any woman is thinking. I love that he doesn't understand anything about my life back home. I love that that he's ruthless, and that he has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. I love that he's so... devoted.
But the one thing I hate above all else is... is that he blames himself for Kikyo's untimely demise. I hate that he can't see reason. I hate that he feels he owes his life because of it. He should have known that something terrible would have happened anyway, even without him. It would have happened because Onigumo sold his soul. It would have happened because Naraku was born. I hate that he never sees reason.
But I accept it, because that's who Inuyasha is. I don't have to like it. It can hurt more than anything in this world, but I still love him no matter what.
I'm smiling softly to myself when I reach the end of the trees that opens up to the clearing where my well sits.
All of a sudden, I'm unsure as to what I want to do again. I don't want to go home because I know he'll just come looking for me and drag me back, he always does. We'll get into a huge fight, like we always do, and I'll forgive him (after Sitting him a few times).
I feel so tired. I just don't want to fight with him now. Especially when I know that there's no way he'll understand. Of course he wouldn't understand. Because I won't tell him anything. I won't tell him why I'm angry with him. Just that I am. He'll make a big fuss about me being an emotional idiot, and then the real fight begins.
To avoid the whole conflict, I should just go back to the others. Just try and sleep. Or pretend to sleep. And then when we get up to hunt for jewel shards tomorrow, I'll just be resigned. Give him the cold shoulder. This again will start another fight, because really, when aren't we fighting? But at least it will delay the fight at least another day.
With a solution to my problem, I turn to walk back into the forest.
My tears are drying slowly, because I know, deep down I really can't blame him. Who he loves is clear, and I respect that, nonetheless.
I don't know if this will ever stop hurting. I don't know if I'll ever be okay with it. I know it won't ever end. In fact, it'll get worse. When we defeat Naraku, I'll have no purpose here. Inuyasha and Kikyo will either go to hell or get married. Both horrible options, but one better than the other.
No, I correct myself instantly, that one is only horrible to you. Inuyasha would be happy. Isn't that all that matters?
It is.
My last tear is slowly falling down my cheek when I finally hear it.
The constant rustling of leaves. The barely discernible slap of claws on the ground. Only barely discernible because of their velocity.
Fear grips my heart for one moment as I immediately move to dart away, only to be stopped by one thing.
The demon claws it's way from beneath the canopy of the trees, heading in my direction.
I can only see a quick flash of teeth and eyes before the pain explodes.
I register that the demon didn't even look at me. Didn't even see me. Meaning that it wasn't even supposed to hit me. That it wasn't even concerned with me. It was running past me, looking through me. Not registering me.
In the end, that's what killed me.
A freakish accident. An accident where the demon didn't care enough to know that it had just killed me. Maybe it would smell my blood on it's claws later?
The first thing that registered was the fact that my shirt and my bra were both torn straight down the middle, in the front no less.
The next thing was the lack of pain.
I didn't quite understand. I could see the gashes, all three of them, each very jagged, and very deep, I could feel the blood leaking down my thighs and legs, could see it, could feel the blood... but not the pain.
My hands were drenched in it as I futilely tried to close my shirt over it, trying to hide myself. My shirt was torn all to hell, there was no use.
I couldn't understand though. Why couldn't I feel any pain?
Were the demon's claws poisonous? Was I already dead? I wasn't sure.
I take back the fact that I couldn't feel pain. Just on the edges, where the gashes lessened and became small scratches there was slight pain. Nothing unmanageable.
So why could I feel those, but not the large gouges that nearly tore me in half?
Maybe they sliced through your nerves, I mused darkly. Still not coming to the realization that I was about to die.
I went to take a step, but found my legs wobbly, and very, very weak. I looked down at them and saw that my feet were suddenly not functioning correctly. They were sluggish, and quickly becoming numb. I could barely pick them up off of the ground.
I stare at the ground, willing it to somehow make me get back to my friends.
"Now how am I going to tell Inuyasha that I forgive him?" I say out loud, but it doesn't sound right. It sounds... wet somehow. Garbled and wet.
I go to take another step, but my feet twist together and I end up in a heap on the ground.
When my breathing becomes labored and shallow, I realize that this is bad. Really really bad.
As soon as I understand I gasp his name, the one person who can save me now, the only person that I can ever truly rely on, "Inuyasha!" but my voice is broken. It comes out as no more than a whisper, and I become sleepy.
Somewhere inside my mind, I know that I should stay awake, but my eyelids weigh a thousand pounds, and I'm just so sleepy.
Taking a quick nap won't hurt anything, will it?
I do not own Inuyasha... though I do wish I had those ears! /\_/\
Tell me what you think. I know it's really sad. I always thought about the "what if's" what if Inuyasha went to meet Kikyo and Kagome got hurt? Or worse, killed? How would he feel? The next chapter will be about how he feels. Tell me if I should continue with letting her die, or reviving her somehow?
Message me! Or better yet, review so I can know your thoughts! Please review!
