Introduction

This – this probably has to be the worst hell I've ever been through. Seeing what humanity has done to itself is bad but having to fight in it against an unstoppable force is worse. You think you're prepared for something that you've been groomed to do all your life. Then when it suddenly explodes into infinite amounts of pieces in your mind, it's the scariest thing in the world. I feel like little shards of glass are stuck in between layers of my skin and I want to just rip them all out in one grip of my skin. Everything is torn down. The buildings are all a grey mass of cement that collides with the grey sky. You have to watch your step or you'll trip on something.

The Super Mutants. Green gargling, yelling, monsters. I'm happy my area of expertise has me far away from them at times. I can't stand this place. It's a mass case of Cabin Fever. I'm reduced to a skittish mess of bones sometimes. I don't know what it is. Lack of motivation? No, I want to live. I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm actually backing down to a challenge. I should use that force to drive me to survival. Adrenaline running through my veins at all constant times. Lack of sleep. Dark bags encircle the bottom of my brown eyes.

Even with my gas mask on that nulls the senses of smell and clears the air of any stench. I can still feel it. I've been trained to cut off all thoughts of attachment. I don't have any for the Super Mutants but we've killed innocent civilians.

Sometimes I wish I could build a brick wall and cover up all my emotions. That would help immensely. I'm responsible for my squad mate's lives just like our captain is. I can't be a selfish bitch and let them die because I can't come to terms with my animalistic mentality. Can't come to the true fact of who I am; an uncaring predator.

I've been thinking – which is dangerous in these kinds of situations – I've been trained to be impassive. When I have all these skills and heightened senses. It means you have all these emotions times a thousand. So things like empathy and care are more than ever present. I guess they tried to block this out of my mind. I think they churned my mind into butter and now it's mashed all together. I feel like I have two different personalities. One like a lion and one like a lamb. I think if any of my team mates found out these feelings I would be branded a traitor.

I need to block out my mind now, though. It's all clouding what truly matters. Keeping watch on the road below. I've not moved a muscle in over a course of some odd hours. The constant red haze the scope of the rifle and my goggles have been a constant. I just want to take it off and catch a few minutes of rest. I had the hood pulled down on my cape.

It was infused with camouflage technology and kept me warm and provided many other uses. My boot slid audibly across the dusty floor as I tried pathetically to stretch my legs. Lying prone for so long put a lot of pressure on the organs and it makes me want to vomit.

I really wish we would get out of this damn city already.