Scene: Laboratory in Round Rock, Texas: 12:07 AM

An old, dark creepy voice can be heard assuring yet warning its victims at the same time.

"Don't worry, I'm just a scientist! I have plenty of degrees in CHEMISTRY! You shall soon find out, Miss January thru December 2008! They said I couldn't find myself any real girls, well; I've got the most beautiful girls in the world in my dungeon of doom as I speak! And when I develop my crossbreeding DNA, it will just be a matter of time before my childhood dreams become reality! Mwahahahaha!"

The twisted senior citizen, who may have been an estranged son of Albert Einstein as a result of one of his "failed experiments", reached into the refrigerator for an aged block of cheddar, so as to get his tiny protégés jacked up for their valuable donations. No, he had no intentions of giving to the Red Cross, in case you were wondering.

LUCKY THERE'S A FAMILY SPY!

Scene: Beverly Hills High School Principal's Office: 2:30 PM

Lois Griffin: Chris! I never thought I'd see the day my own son would be caught reading Playboy in the school library! A woman is not an object!

Peter Griffin: Your mother is right! A woman is to be admired once a month before she makes way for the new flavour of eye candy!

Lois: Peter! You wonder why Chris can't get anyone to go the dance!

Peter: Ummmm…. is it because it's not 1985 anymore and fat stopped being the new thin?

The conversation between husband and wife fogged up the principal's door window for 15 more minutes. Sam, Alex and Clover, three of Bev High's most popular students, happened to hear the above-mentioned portion of the discussion.

Clover: How rude! If my parents were like that, I'd, like, sell myself out to the orphanage!

Her two friends reminded her that none of their parents are ever around, so what's there to complain about?

The Griffin parents were set to leave when Lois had to stop by the little girls' room. "Don't get yourself in trouble while I'm gone, Peter, just like that last time!" Her husband was about to fire back but then memories involving Marvin the Martian and saving the planet from an "Earth-shattering-KABOOM!" were better left suppressed.

Five minutes later, which was unusually long for a lady who doesn't go to the bathroom without an accomplice, patience was wearing rather thin (not many things can do that) for Peter. Looking for something to do, a little rotation of the eyes geared his attention towards three teenagers who could be of good use.

Peter: Hey ladies, pardon me for budging in, but you appear to be the types who can get any man you want without paying, so I need some advice.

Sam: I've got something to say, ever heard of Mennen Speed Stick?

Alex: And a change of underwear?

Peter: (reaching into wallet for pics) Now, now, no need to get too huffy. See this picture; that is my smoking hot wife. Somehow, evolution seemed to have taken a piss break or God must have been high as you can see by this picture of my daughter. Perhaps you can do me a favour and grant me some fatherly advice about getting her some dates?

That advice came in the form of three roundhouse kicks, all of which resulted in the girls' feet stuck in fleshy quicksand. An evil triumphant laugh from Peter was the cue for a gust of wind all too familiar to the undercover spies. This time, they would have to tow 300 pounds of excess baggage on their latest trip down the chute and into their bosses' office.

Three screams and one "WHEEEE!!!" were what Jerry could hear, followed by the spies' entrance couch smashing into pieces and Peter's XXL frame substituting for a nice soft landing.

"Wow! You girls have a secret hideout? Cool! I want to play too! What does this old man do? Does he give you time outs for bad behaviour?"

Three sheepish grins and raindrops of embarrassment appeared on the girls' faces as they had to tell their boss about how it was a complete fluke that they allowed a man the size of a walrus slip into their secret headquarters. Jerry had seen this happen once too many times, so rather than do usual company procedure and erase Peter's memory (and cause unimaginable side effects), he decided to allow the fat man to lend a hand in the company's next mission. That also meant Peter would have to take shelter in the spies' penthouse until everything blew over.

"Well, it is for the good of this company, but in order to protect our secret identity, we have no choice but to let this man assist us in solving our next case", said Jerry while the spies were trying to dream up a way to murder someone and not get caught.

"There have been reports about Playboy centrefold models disappearing over the past few weeks. According to evidence found at the crime scenes, it appears that the perpetrator catches his unsuspecting victims with a Tootsie pop (a popular tool for seduction) and a mousetrap. He says the trap always gives him enough time to use his knockout gas while his target is fixing her broken nail."

Peter interrupted Jerry's bit of news with a little commentary, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I have some close friends who catch hot chicks with well thought-out schemes like these. Are you telling me you have a search warrant out for their arrest too?"

"No, this person, who goes by the name Dr. Strangelust, is a unique character far too demented for the cops to take care of by their lonesome. He has forgotten more about science than most will ever know, yet whatever knowledge he has retained, he uses for his own twisted purposes. He has threatened to develop a formula to make human and animal DNA compatible, putting an end to civilization as we know it."

A light bulb actually lit up in Peter's head for once. "You mean he's using Laura Croft and Valerie Mason for his own twisted idea of sex? My goodness! That changes everything! Girls, as protector of all that is good in this world, I too shall join you in your mission for truth, justice and the American way! (raises fist in triumph)"

(awkward silence, wandering eyes watch pieces of paper float by)

"Ahem, I shall now arm you with your gadgets for this mission:

The Wind Tunnel 9000 Laser Tornado Blast Hairdryer that can blow things at extreme levels…Peter interrupts, "This looks like fun!" (flick of the switch – Peter is left wearing his birthday suit)

The Tortoiseshell Magnifying Shades that magnify the user what they want to see…Peter? Peter is staring at three pairs of breasts, 2x, 5x, 10x…POW!

Laser Lipstick…Peter (speaking sassy and lispy) "Hey girls, don't wait up, I just need to pretty myself up for our get-together tonight….OWOWOWOW!!!!!"

The three spies all groaned at their newest partner's bumblings and stumblings and asked themselves how this guy could possibly be married.

(back at the school)

Lois: "Peter? Well, what a shock! When you want him for something other than sex, he's nowhere to be seen!"