Fandom: Bleach
Title: "Death is the Road to Awe" (Chapter 1)
Pairing: Main: Chad/Ichigo. Other pairings implied in later chapters.
Rating: M
Warnings:Spoilers up to current manga chapters and Arrancar arc! Contains violence, future sexual themes, blood and gore and later other disturbing themes will be added.
Beta: Ryua
Summary: Arrancar arc. Ichigo gets left behind in Hueco Mundo. What will happen after he is changed and what exactly is Shirosaki doing?
A/N: This is a multi-chapter fic but it's been on temporary hiatus after second chapter. I just wanted to post it since it was a long time since my last update. Will most likely be continued after I am done with my exams.
Chapter title is a borrowed quote from movie "The Fountain".
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Chapter 1
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"Kill me."
Chad blinked in surprise, still not moving even an inch. He was exhausted, but that... creature he'd pinned to the dusty ground finally stopped struggling, after a long fight. His white coat now ragged and dirty, splattered with blood. Chad's blood.
He watched, terrified, as his eyes became clear, those ruthless black pools of hate that belonged to the Hollow now turning back to the warm, brown irises he used to gaze into for so long...
"Kill me." Ichigo repeated quietly, his voice suddenly tired and small, echoing in Chad's mind. "Kill me, because I can't kill myself."
He held the boy by his neck, just enough to pin him to ground and stop from fighting back. Now his hands twitched, and moved barely a millimeter away before Ichigo caught his wrists and stopped him, holding him in place. His gaze was steady, the touch of his hands firm but gentle, as if he was asking him to make love to him, not destroy his life.
That mask on his face... It kept reminding Chad of what he had become, that it wasn't just a bad dream... He was conscious now, the personality of his lover returned to the surface, surpassing the violent monster he was. But for how long?
How could he do that? The power of his right arm was awoken by Ichigo, by his own strength and now he was suppose to take his life with it?
"No." Chad protested weakly, trying to set his hands free, but Ichigo held them in place again, with unusual force. "I can't, don't ask me to do such a thing."
One soft, but surprisingly cold hand of the strawberry-blonde boy reached out to gently touch his cheek. Chad could do nothing but lean into the caress of those calloused bony fingers, just for a second allowing himself to forget that this couldn't last, that the monster will return in matter of minutes and then he won't be able to protect himself, nor anyone else...
"You promised me once." Ichigo spoke again, closing his eyes and focusing at the warmth that radiated from his partner's skin. Gods, how he missed that warmth, every second of his life during the last month he longed for it so much... "You promised me you will watch my back. Right now it's the best thing you can do. The only way you can save me."
Chad shook his head, his eyes covered behind the curtain of his brown bangs, which his lover gently brushed back with a trembling hand, locking their gazes together. Ichigo's eyes were clouded with worry and fear, fear of what might become of him, of what he already was. The... thing inside of him struggled for control, one false move and it took over, turning him into mindless puppet all over again, hurting those he cared about, those he loved so dearly. Ichigo was tired; tired of constantly staying on guard from himself, praying that he wouldn't loose control, wouldn't try to kill mindlessly.
"Please." Ichigo whispered, voice quivering. "Yasutora, please..."
That name, spoken in the soft tone that Ichigo used only when they were alone, at those rare moments that made it so special. It was always full of passion, of love, spoken out when they were in bed, making love for what it seemed like hours... but now it sounded weak and defenseless, like a death rattle...
Tears fell, splattering on Ichigo's face, when Chad closed his eyes, fighting an inner battle with himself, torn between the repulsive thought of killing and the only way to save his lover's soul. Was it really supposed to end like this? One dying by the other's hand? Because Chad knew that if he gave up now, his death would come as soon as the monster regained control. He wouldn't object, he would accept death from him with head raised high, knowing he did everything he could to bring him back. But it would not be him who would suffer the most. It would be Ichigo, knowing that this thing used his hands to kill.
Was he really allowed to do this? To end this misery here and now and spare his lover the immense feeling of guilt and hatred towards himself?
"Please..." Ichigo begged once again, shakily, not holding back the moisture that gathered now in his own eyes. His fingers absent-mindedly stroked Chad's hands still clasped lightly on his neck, feeling the armor of his right arm, the scratchy surface, so different from soft skin of the other hand.
And then it came, slowly increasing pressure of fingers, some hard and cold, the other warm and made of flesh. Ichigo took in one last breath and gently clasped his hands on Chad's, not to fight back, but in a silent, non-spoken 'thank you'. As his eyelids fluttered closed, tears finally fell down his cheeks. He rested his head on the ground, feeling the sudden flash of panic, fear of death coming in, but he fought it and stayed still, allowing his lover to cut his oxygen off, to suffocate him, to kill him.
After all, death was the road to awe.
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One month earlier
Ichigo tried to forget about pain, to will it away.
He couldn't really open his eyes, but he was still conscious, even though he wished it was otherwise. He didn't dare to move, feeling his fractured bones protesting in slow, agonizing torture. Ichigo was sure that some of his internal organs were damaged as well; the pool of fire that burned him from the inside, the taste of blood gathering in his mouth...
But it wasn't important; pain was almost non-existent when he focused enough to cut it off, to fight it with all his might. It still was there, he just tried to ignore it, not wanting to show any more weakness.
"Aizen-sama won't be pleased." Grimmjow stood above his immobile body, nudging the boy's face with tip of his sandal. The Arrancar was tired, heavily beaten up and not in much better state then Ichigo, but he was still standing. "You are either extremely stupid or noble, I just can't decide which."
That was right... Ichigo tried not to sigh in relief as he remembered the scene from just barely minutes ago. The passage opened, his friends managed to get away. Their death was so close, so close he could almost sense it, a terrifying feeling creeping up his skin...
He was glad. Glad that he bought them time, that they passed the Garganta safely, even though each one of them was roughed up and in miserable state. While he fought he tried so hard to ignore the voice of Rukia, desperately calling him in that panicked, trembling voice, and only Renji's arms holding her back. She couldn't help him, not here and now, not when she was in that state. Neither of them could. Only for a second he took his eyes of his opponent to look at Chad, covered in his own blood, leaning heavily against Ishida who tried to help him move, even though he wasn't in better condition. One second, one look in that dark, almost black eyes of his lover and he felt his heart fell. They both were sorry. Chad apologizing silently that he wasn't any more help, Ichigo asking for forgiveness that he was leaving him behind again.
That one second of hesitation was enough and Grimmjow leapt, attacking furiously. The last thing Chad saw before the Garganta closed was a heart-wrenching sight of Ichigo being pierced by Arrancar's sword. The pained yell that escaped Chad's lips was already swallowed up by the closing passage, not a single sound reaching Ichigo's ears.
Such rescue group they were, Ichigo thought bitterly, coughing up blood that gathered in his mouth. They came here to take Orihime back and instead they got defeated, he got defeated...
Grimmjow growled in frustration and seized a handful of Shinigami's robes, lifting him up from the ground a few inches. Ichigo's body protested with flash of pain from almost every cell of his body.
"Fortunately for you, Aizen-sama didn't allow me to kill you... yet."
Still holding him by his clothes the Arrancar jerked his hand, and moved towards the door, effortlessly pulling the boy along with him. Ichigoalmost screamed and the burning pain from his broken arm caused him to dive into blissful state of unconsciousness.
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"Ah, Grimmjow. We've been awaiting you."
The said Arrancar entered dark, round room, pulling the Shinigami boy to the center of it and throwing him on the floor with little a little more force than necessary. In the corner of his eye the Arrancar saw Orihime looking at her friend, her expression mortified, hands covering her mouth to muffle down the cry that almost escaped her. Stupid woman, that open vulnerability would cause her to die here. But Grimmjow couldn't really care less.
"Aizen-sama, I ask for a permission to finish him off."
"Not yet." Their leader looked mildly amused by behavior of the Sexta Espada. The man standing by his right side looked entirely cheerful, but with time all of them learned that Ichimaru Gin always wore his wide smile, no matter what circumstances were. It made him look like a fox; it was disturbing and constantly reminded them that there were things, secrets in Las Noches that Aizen-sama shared only with his first commander and no one else.
"Orihime, please tend to Grimmjow and heal his wounds."
She stirred, hearing her own name and slowly moved to the Arrancar's side, her hairpins separating and closing around him in a shield of white force field. She tried not to look at the strawberry-blonde teen, already feeling her resolve crumble. Falling apart right then wouldn't bring them anything good.
She bowed lightly once the healing process was finished and backed away, wishing that she could disappear, hide from all of this, just vanish...
"Wake him up." Aizen stepped down from his throne-like podium and walked to the wounded boy, Ichimaru following him like the shadow he pretended to be at times.
A sharp slap of Grimmjow's bony hand that collided with his face caused Ichigo to jerk back to reality, a loud and foul curse escaping his lips. He looked around, still half awake, taking in the details, or rather lack of them, of the room he was in, as well as the faces of people looking at him from different heights, eyeing him with either boredom or slight amusement.
"Aizen..." He growled, his fingers instinctively reaching for Zangetsu, even though his sword wasn't by his side. He moved, with intent to hurt, to kill, to wipe off that taunting smirk from that traitor's face... But his strained muscles protested and Aizen proved to be faster, his sandal-clad foot stomping down on Ichigo's broken arm, though not with as much force as he could have. Ichigo yelped against his will and stilled. That caused Ichimaru's smile to grow noticeably larger.
"I think you should now think about the position you are in." Aizen seemed calm, not rushing his words, as he looked down at the Shinigami. "One movement, one false move, and that little friend of yours is dead. Do you understand?"
Only then Ichigo's senses sobered enough for him to feel a familiar reiatsu in the room. He turned his head and for the fist time he came to Hueco Mundo, he saw Orihime, standing not far behind him.
His heart skipped a beat; she was here, alive... That was all that mattered. She was extremely pale, dressed in the same robes that Aizen and his creations wore and she looked like she was about to start crying. But she was alive.
Ichigo's fears calmed down a bit. So he didn't fail, after all...
"Do you understand?" Aizen repeated, the pressure of his foot growing and Ichigo grunted.
"Yes."
"Good." The Arrancar leader took a step back, pleased to see that Ichigo listened and did not move to fight back once the pain eased. That certainly left him looking forward for what he was about to do...
The Hogyoku appeared in his outstretched hand, giving out an unsteady pale light, flickering like candle flame.
"Creating good Arrancar is not easy, but manageable." Aizen started, turning the orb in his fingers, as if he was thinking hard about something. "Given enough strength, enough reiatsu put into Hogyoku, it all can give birth to a powerful being. However..." He looked at his Arrancar, all eyeing the orb with suspicion and, at some level, fear. "... the results are quite random."
He crouched by the other boy, close, too close for Ichigo's comfort. He seemed to eye him with interest, almost like he was an extremely rare specimen he had never encountered before. In a way, he actually was.
And then his hand shot out, piercing the teenager's chest with a sickening, wet noise, placing the orb inside of his body.
Ichigo screamed, his shout matched by the one that emerged from Orihime. She leapt towards him, acting purely on instinct, words of healing chant almost, almost forming on her lips... But there was a strong hand catching her arm, thin fingers winding around her limb in a painful grip. She turned, ready to hit, to claw at face of the one who stopped her from helping Ichigo... but it was Ulquiorra, his face perfectly blank, holding her in one place. She stilled under his gaze, unable to move even inch more.
"I wonder..." Aizen mused, observing boy's face twisting up in pain, feeling his racing heartbeat in the flow of his blood. "How Hogyoku reacts with a person that already has Shinigami and Hollow powers? What would the result be, hmm?"
He sent his reiatsu to the orb, slowly, almost tentatively at first, then a powerful rush of energy, awaking the forbidden artifact. His hand jerked away from the flesh, accompanied with gruesome, smacking sound, blood dripping from his fingers, as he watched in fascination the unusual display in front of him.
At first Ichigo screamed. It was animalistic, primal yell of tortured body and soul, something that crawls out on surface of humanity when lives are in danger. It made Orihime step back, the pained voice drilling trough her head, hurting her senses. The roaring voice echoed in space of the room.
And then there was light.
The screaming stopped, any sound abruptly disappearing, like it was cut off with a knife. A burst of light surrounded his mutilated body, so bright that even Aizen had to raise his hand to shield his eyes. That reaction was pretty much similar to the one that appeared when he created his servants, had he been wrong about the Shinigami boy?
But no, much to the leader's satisfaction, the light beam stirred, waved in chaos that he haven't seen before, and then darkened, white mixing with black, until only shadow remained.
Orihime gasped, the strong reiatsu suffocating her. It was Ichigo's spirit; she could recognize it with her eyes closed, but his energy acted weird, it unstable and dark, scaring her...
The black swirls of reiatsu slowed and eventually eased down, revealing the figure that now stood up straight and firm on his feet, with his back to the girl. She knew instantly, that something was wrong; she could feel it in her guts, a nauseating feeling, making her sick.
Orihime actually screamed when he turned around. The sound wasn't born from fear, at least it didn't seem like it, but from the sheer feeling of being helpless and suddenly, very small and unimportant. Ichigo came here for her, to save her and now this is what he got in return...
His face looked pretty much the same, except for the cold, dead look that now filled his eyes, pupils slit to narrow lines and almost one third of his Hollow mask on left side of his face, covering part of his cheek, temple and some of his hair...
Kurosaki Ichigo had died the same moment that Hogyoku touched his body.
An Arrancar was born.
