Hello. I rewrote this because I didn't like how the first version turned out. I might make this into a two-shot.
Warning: Shonen-ai ( boy x boy ) and Character death. Rated T for Gokudera's swearing and a little blood. Nothing too graphic.
Also, know that this is in Gokudera's Point Of View.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the two OCs. They're just side characters, though. :P
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Yamamoto Takeshi
Tenth Generation Vongola Rain Guardian
Will be missed
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What is this?! Ten fucking words?! This isn't enough to honor my Takeshi! He gave his live to save precious Juudaime and this is all he gets for it?! I'll kill the person who wrote this crap!
Those ten fucking words are engraved on the inadequate tombstone that sits before me. The slab of stone lays there mockingly.
As much as I try to calm myself, anger bubbles up inside me as I glare at the meaningless tombstone. Even after two whole years of visiting this grave once every two months, I still get mad every time I read over those words. These few words are not enough to sum up the life of Takeshi. He deserves more than this! Even in death, he deserves so much more than I can give him.
"Takeshi...", I growl with hidden sadness in my tone. "You bastard! I miss you! I know you were protecting Tsuna, but damnit... why did you have to DIE?! Couldn't you have just gone into a temporary coma, you insensitive baka!"
I remember when Juudaime, Takeshi and I were walking to school that day. Even though it happened two years ago, the memory is still fresh in my mind. Some dreadful swordsman, whom I later found out was named Mikoto, jumped out of nowhere and hurled his sword towards an unprepared Tsuna. It all happened so fast. I tried to push Tsuna out of the way, but Takeshi forcefully shoved me away from all of the commotion and I fell on the ground a few feet away. My head was slammed against the sidewalk and my vision became slightly blurred. But that didn't stop me from seeing that the sharp steel of the sword was just inches away from slicing into the Tenth's chest. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as the sword slowly progressed closer to Juudaime. I didn't understand why at the time, but Tsuna just stood there with a very frightened look in his eye. Later, Reborn said that Mikoto had used some kind of attack that froze Juudaime in place, so that he couldn't move. My hazy mind wondered why Takeshi wasn't doing anything to stop the sword. Couldn't he just take the other swordsman out?
It turns out that Takeshi had also been put under some king of paralyzing spell. Reborn explained everything afterwards, but I was too distracted to listen.
Anyways, the sword was about to dig into Tsuna's flesh, when a bullet came out of nowhere and struck Mikoto in the hand. The red-haired man lost his grip on the weapon and it went flying out of his hand. Unfortunately, the sword went flying in Tsuna's direction.
Another bullet was shot at Mikoto, and it caught him in the head. The man dropped to the ground next to me and layed there in a pool of his own blood.
Apparently, the guy's death caused for the paralyzing attack or whatever to ware off. It was too late for Tsuna, though. The tip of the sword was a mere centimeter away from colliding with his stomach. He seemed to be in shock. Or, maybe he was still partially paralyzed. Either way, he just wouldn't get out of the sharp blade's path.
I would have got up to help him, but my head was spinning and it felt like one of my legs was broken. Che. That baseball baka shouldn't have pushed me away with so much force. I totally would have been able to save Juudaime if Yamamoto wasn't such an idiot.
This is the point in which Takeshi jumped in front of Tsuna at the very last second and took the sword to his chest. The sound of skin being cut open and blood pouring out of a wound filled the otherwise peaceful atmosphere. I briefly wondered how nobody had seen or heard any of this happening. But my thoughts were cut short when realization struck me. Takeshi was on the ground. Tsuna was kneeling next to him with tears in his eyes. The last thing I saw before I blacked out was Yamamoto's sad smile.
When I woke back up, the Tenth was looming over me. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as he blubbered out unintelligible nonsense. I looked around and noticed that I was laying on a hospital bed.
I sat up and Tsuna continued trying to choke out a coherent sentence. "What?", I asked in confusion with an imaginary question mark appearing above my head.
"Gokudera", a new, high-pitched voice rang out from somewhere to my right. I looked down and saw Reborn with his hat pulled down, the brim of the hat casting shadows over his eyes.
"Yeah?", I asked the baby. He looked up at me with unreadable eyes and said four words that ruined my life.
"Yamamoto didn't make it."
My eyes widened at the response and I felt sick. I felt something tug at my heartstrings that I couldn't quite name. Was it grief? Despair? Pity? A mixture of all three? I closed my eyes tightly and clenched my fists to prevent the waterfall that was about to fall from my eyes.
I didn't like the foreign feeling that erupted inside of me. I guess it's normal to feel that way when you lose a close friend, but it was unfamiliar to me. When I lived in Italy, I didn't have any friends to lose. I had nobody. I prefer that over the feeling of losing someone you care about. I would rather be alone than suffer through that.
What made it worse is that Takeshi wasn't only my friend. He was more than a friend. We had been in an unofficial relationship before he passed away. Nobody knew except for the two of us. We kept it a secret from Tsuna and the others.
Reborn explained to me exactly what happened. I was only half-listening to him as I tried to calm myself. No tears, Gokudera Hayato, I strictly told myself. You have to stay strong in front of the Tenth.The only information that I retained from Reborn's words was that Mikoto was just a teenager. Apparently, he was forced into the mafia and his boss gave him the order of attacking Tsuna. Poor kid didn't want to do it. He knew that his boss, Osamu of the Fauna Family, sent him on a death mission and wasn't expecting for Mikoto to return alive. Che. What a jerk.
The awful feeling got worse with every second that Takeshi wasn't by my side. I looked over at Juudaime, who had his head down. Shadows covered his eyes and his teeth were clenched tightly. The look on his face just made me feel worse. I decided that instead of letting this unwanted feeling dominate me, I would do the thing that I'm the best at. Getting Angry, lashing out and running away. Those are the three things I can do really well.
So, that's exactly what I did.
I slammed my fist on the hospital bed and let out a low, feral growl. "G-Gokudera!", Tsuna stammered. "P-Please calm down!"
I ignored him and stood from the bed with a menacing scowl on my face. Then, I stormed out. I pretended not to hear Tsuna and Reborn calling out my name, and I ran.
Sometimes I really do act like a total coward. But I can't fucking help it! I'm not good with emotions and feelings and all of that sappy crap! Don't judge me!
As I made my way home, I saw Yamamoto in every damn thing that crossed my line of vision. He was in the wildflowers that grew carelessly out of the ground. He was in the birds that sat in the trees' branches. Even the pale sidewalk somehow made me think of that idiot. Because of this, I speed-walked (re:ran) to the house that I used to share with him and locked myself in my bedroom. To make things worse, it had started to rain. I could hear raindrops beating down on the roof. That was the last thing that I needed. Another fucking reminder of Takeshi!
I hurled myself onto my bed and pulled the covers around my self. The feelings inside of me multipled as I wished that I didn't feel so damn cold. Without Takeshi laying next to me, radiating more body heat than I had thought was humanely possible, I felt so cold. The feeling of having my heart brutally ripped out and shredded into millions - possibly billions - of tiny pieces was very similar to what I was experiencing. Great. Now I sound like heartbroken teenage girl. Time to bust out the ice cream, tissues and chick flicks. Heh.
Truthfully, that was the first time I had cried in five years.
I didn't sleep. Actually, I couldn't sleep. My thoughts prevented me from doing so. I didn't eat either. I rather liked the feeling of an empty stomach. It gave me a sort of bitter enjoyment. If to you think about it, it was quite ironic. My stomach was empty, as well as my heart.
After two days of being undisturbed, somebody visited me.
The front door was unlocked because I didn't see any point in locking it. I figured that if someone wanted to walk in to rob me or something, I would just kick their ass. In fact, it would probably do wonders for all of my pent-up frustration.
I could hear somebody striding into the house like they owned the place.
"Gokudera-kun" , a familiar voice said with a soft and concerned tone. I groaned in response as I sadly thought, 'There goes all of my hopes of being able to beat someone's ass.' The Tenth knocked softly on my door, as if afraid to knocking too loud. "Gokudera-kun... Please let me in."
I bit my tongue and wrapped the blanket tighter around myself, silently begged him to leave. I really didn't want to come out of that room, but it has always been hard for me to deny my precious Juudaime. "You need to come out." I did my best to ignore his presence. 'Maybe he'll just think I'm asleep...'
Strangely enough, hearing his voice made me feel a bit better.
The sound of a frustrated sigh traveled through the closed door. The anguish that was hidden within that small sound made me frown. 'I don't want Juudaime to be worried about me... but I'm not fucking leaving this room!' , I thought. I liked it in there. It was a nice, quiet place to suffer from the agonizing pain that burned deep within me from the loss of my precious... boyfriend. Ugh. It still felt so weird to think of Takeshi like that...
After twenty long minutes of trying to persuade me into either coming out of the room or letting him in, Tsuna left. I was kind of glad that he left, but disappointed at the same time. He was 'disturbing the peace', as Hibari would say, but with him there, I had felt... better.
I wanted to do nothing but lay on that bed and wait for my body to give out due to either dehydration or lack of use. Ignoring the dryness of my throat, I closed my eyes and waited for a sleep that didn't come.
On the fourth day that I had been inside my new safe haven, Juudiame returned.
"G-Gokudera-kun. Please, let me h-help you. I-I can help you. I know you're sad, but I... I don't want you to be sad!". He started spouting nonsense about happiness or something like that. He spent two whole hours trying to coax me into leaving the safety of the small room. It was really hard for me to ignore his pleas. His small, begging voice made me feel guilty. Damn. Tsuna was so persuading when he wanted to be. I was glad when he finally gave up for the day -after he promised to return- and left for his house.
'Ah, Juudaime. Such a big heart. I don't deserve his worry. Fuck me and my idiotic emotions for making Tsuna sad.'
The next day, Tsuna fulfilled his promise and came back. "You've been in that room for days. Don't you think you're being a bit irrational, Hayato?" I started shaking as I clenched my fists. 'Hayato? That's what Takeshi used to call me!'
"Hayato, trying to endure this massive loss on your own is reckless." I took a shaky breath and Tsuna noticed.
'If this is some kind of sick tactic that Reborn told Tsuna to use , I swear I'm gonna kill that baby... Okay, that's an empty threat, but still...!'
"Hayato? Hayato? Are you okay?" I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood as I curled into a ball. Over the deafening sound of my heart pounding and unwanted memories whizzing through my brain, I didn't hear anything else Tsuna said. He was just making things worse. I wished he would just leave me alone.
My wish was soon obliged. Right after Tsuna had left, however, I got a massive headache. It felt like a hammer was smashing into my skull. I ignored it, saying to myself, 'This is nothing compared to the pain that Takeshi felt when that sword pierced his chest.'
The day after that, my head was still roaring in pain. Probably from my inability to sleep and refusal to eat.
Tsuna came back again. When he spoke, his voice seemed to numb the pain that had been bothering me all night. "Gokudera... if you don't come out of that room right now, I'm afraid that you might ... you might ..." He sniffled sadly." You might die! I'm so sorry, Gokudera! It's all my fault! Yamamoto's death is on my hands!"
'It's not your fault!', I wanted to reassure him. My voice wouldn't work though.
No matter how much every tear he spilled and every whimper that came from his lips stabbed at my heart, I let him cry outside of the door. Guilt swelled up inside of me, but being the stubborn person that I am, I stayed on that bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. After sobbing for ten minutes, he apparently lost all of his energy. With one last sniffle, he left without another word.
The seventh day, he came back yet again. His voice sounded weak, like he was tired. "Gokudera-kun. I know you probably hate me, but I want you to know that I care about you."
'What are you saying?!', I snarled in my head. 'I don't hate you! It's not your fault that Takeshi is gone'
"I am really worried about you. I get that you think that nobody understands what you're going through. I know how you're feeling. Gokudera, you're not alone. I cared about Yamamoto too. As did the rest of our familia. All of us are sad about what happened. But, we can't change the past. All we can do is accept it and move on to the future. I know that Yamamoto wouldn't want you to be doing this to yourself. Isolating yourself until you whisk away to nothing. He loved you. If Yamamoto's wishes aren't enough to give you a will to live, then I don't know what is. "
I sniffed the air and clawed at the sheets. A cold feeling was traveling down my spine and scratching at my composure. 'Fuck. Since when did Tsuna become good with words?! Usually he stutters and it takes him a while to find something to say.'
"Look, I know you don't think I understand, but I do! You think you're alone, but you're not. We're all here for you. All of us love you.", Tsuna finished with a gentle tone.
He turned his back to the door and I could hear footsteps, indicating that he was about to leave. I scurried over to the bedroom door and unlocked it with a soft click. Maybe the pain I was feeling in my head, stomach and heart became too much to bear alone. Or, maybe the brunet's words got to me. For whichever reason, I jumped at Tsuna's retreating form. He turned just in time to catch a very bleary-eyed me in his arms. I sobbed uncontrollably into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and lead me to the couch before sitting down and pulling me into his lap. 'Damnit. Now I feel like a wimp! I'm embarrassing myself in front of the tenth!' I felt angry at myself for breaking down in front of the other teen. Tsuna didn't seem to mind, though. With no complaints , he held me close and allowed me to shed my tears on him. When I felt too tired to cry anymore, I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes.
That was the first time I had slept all week.
Fin?
Wao, this is pretty long compared to chapters of my other fic xD Reviews are nice. Tell me what you think about this story~ Do you think I should continue it? :3
