Kaede had been back from her northern circuit for two and a half weeks. She had been so busy, going constantly from meeting to meeting to discuss her findings. After having been gone for months, she'd hoped that she would have been able to forget. To forget the girl who tied her life together with meaning. Yet still she saw that face in every mirror, in every reflection on every pane of glass, instead of her own. How many years would it take for this stabbing pain to be but a dull ache?
When she had reached the fairy queen's lands, she'd thought at least she could dull the pain with distractions. And surely the fairy queen had been welcoming. Kaede's duty was only to survey the borders and report back to Cathair, but since the fairy queen had been only a day out of her way... But still, she could not distract herself. Taisin's face haunted her everywhere. But she had yet to see that face for real in Cathair. If Taisin wanted her space, Kaede would give it to her. There was nothing for them now. Now that Taisin had reached her dream. A dream without Kaede.
Kaede was jolted out of her dreary thoughts by the king's question, "How many settlements did you say again?"
"Fourteen," Kaede answered for what felt like the hundredth time. "The northern region of the country is sparsely habited. Many of the settlements were not permanent."
"Ah yes. I seem to recall you telling me this before."
"I have, sire," Kaede said without thinking. Her face reddened. The king laughed.
"I suppose we're all tired. Let's call it a day for now."
"Thank you sire," Kaede said gratefully, making a small bow and turning to retreat to her new home – a small cottage not far from the palace. Also not far from the academy where she knew Taisin was still studying. Of course, now she was also teaching the younger students. Many were awed by her talents. Anyone would be.
Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye Kaede saw a figure that she would recognize anywhere. She kept her eyes straight ahead, pretending she couldn't see her.
Out of the corner of her eye, however, she saw the figure stop in surprise.
Kaede kept walking, hoping – praying for Taisin to say her name. Say my name, say my name, she chanted in her head desperately. Yet she walked past without making eye contact, and Taisin said nothing. About twenty feet later, at which point Kaede was sure Taisin would have walked away, she stopped to look back.
Taisin was still standing there, staring in her direction.
An instant of eye contact, and Kaede looked away, face reddening. She took quick steps away, as she thought she heard Taisin start to say something. She didn't wait to listen. It was just too painful.
Several days passed and Kaede did not see Taisin again. She was at the market, browsing salted meats and the last of the fall harvest when she heard some nearby gossiping that got her attention.
"Did you hear about the sage who just quit?"
"This is the one who got her tuition paid because she was so gifted right? And she gave it up."
"What a disgrace. I wonder what she plans to do with her life now. No one will hire someone like that."
Could they be talking about Taisin? It certainly sounded like it, but Kaede couldn't imagine Taisin just quitting. She loved being a sage; it was what she had trained for her entire life. Kaede hoped it was someone else. Even if she couldn't have Taisin for herself, she hoped that Taisin would at least have a good life.
Kaede spent the rest of the day tidying up her small cottage, then putting together some food for dinner. She wasn't accustomed to cooking in a home after such a long journey proceeded by eating school food or food that her parents had made, so she spent a while trying to figure everything out. It was getting dark outside by the time she finally finished and sat down to eat. She was interrupted, however, by a knock on the door.
Kaede felt her heart stop as she tried not to make any assumptions.
When she opened the door, there stood Taisin, her head drooping, hair in her eyes, and wild flowers in her hands. After a moment of silence, Taisin thrust the flowers forward and Kaede took them. She sat them down on the little table by the door. Then she extended an arm toward Taisin.
"Taisin, dear, are you all right?"
With a choked sob, Taisin half walked, half fell into Kaede's arms. She continued to shake as Kaede stroked her hear and repeated over and over again, "It's okay, you're okay, I've got you now. You're safe. You're going to be okay."
After a while, Taisin tried to speak, her words stumbling and bumping into each other. "I- I couldn't do it," she said, her voice fading to a whisper. "What I wanted to be, all my life. When you left, I-"
"Shh," whispered Kaede. "It's okay."
"-I died inside," Taisin whispered.
Kaede had no words for a moment, as the first tear slid down her face. She had never seen Taisin express this much emotion before. "So did I," she said finally. "But it's okay, because I'm here now."
"I gave up my title of sage. I can never get it back."
"Just because," Kaede continued to stroke her hair, "you have given up society's expectations of you does not mean you have to stop doing what you do. You don't have to give up your gift just to fit their rules."
"What if they shun us? I mean, me. I won't drag you into this."
"Then we'll leave. Roam the country, as I have been doing. They don't need to know what we're up to when we're away... Are we together, then? I never stopped loving you, you know."
Taisin looked up, surprised to see tears on Kaede's face as well. Slowly, she reached up, sliding her fingers up the side of Kaede's face. She closed her eyes.
It was not their first kiss, but it was the first time Taisin could kiss Kaede without a pang of guilt inside, and it was certainly not their last.
