Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day
SEASON 1
EPISODE 12
Airdate: April 29, 2013
Title: The One Where RK Understands POP
Musical Performance: Run-DMC ("Mary, Mary")
Special Guest Stars: JC Chasez as Himself, Chris Kirkpatrick as Himself, Lance Bass as Himself, Joey Fatone as Himself
Satire: Criticism of boy bands and pop music in general
The episode starts with a trip into the future. RK is hanging by the back of his shirt on the gate at recess. So are Sparky, Buster, and Wade. To add to that, Halley and Kaily are hanging as well.
RK: This is how I end up, just because I didn't want to do what others forced me to. I didn't want to drag my friends into this.
(RK looks at Sparky, who's struggling to break free; Buster and Wade look bored)
RK: Or my friend's girlfriend.
(Halley yells out a whole bunch of expletives and some other stuff that the kids can't understand)
RK: Kaily? OK, yeah, she can rot on this (bleep) gate for all I care. How did this happen? Well, it all started exactly one week ago….
SCENE 1
The Jennings Household
Interior RK's Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
RK: It was just an average school morning. Same old shit.
(There's a poster behind RK's bed that says "Keep Calm Because You Have To.")
RK: Hey Tuxy. Want some breakfast?
(RK starts pouring some cat food when he hears odd music)
RK: What the hell is that?
(RK leaves the kitchen and tries to follow the sound)
RK: Sounds like it's coming from KG's room. AND HE'S DYING?!
(RK bursts into KG's room and finds out he's just listening to music)
RK: KG…..you didn't eat at Taco Bell last night?
KG: No. And bro, I love you but get the (bleep) out of my room, knock, and come back in.
RK: Fine.
(RK walks out, and knocks on the door)
KG: Come in.
RK: Yeah. Anyway, you weren't suffering from some gastrointestinal disorder?
KG: No. I was just listening to One Direction.
RK: One Direction? You listen to that (bleep)?
KG: I don't even think that sentence was worded well.
RK: Trust me, I know what I said. But still, One Direction is awful. In fact, a lot of boy bands are awful.
KG: Who cares what you think? You're just some stupid fourth-grader.
RK: Haven't you ever listened to "American Bad Ass" by Kid Rock? "Punk rock, The Clash, boy bands are trash?"
KG: Yes. But I don't agree with Kid Rock. Boy bands are rad.
RK: Rad? Boy bands are rad?
KG: This is coming from the guy that watches My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.
RK: HEY! As a brony, I take that to offense.
KG: I'm just saying it's a two-way street. I bet the rest of Testicular Sound Express listens to boy bands.
RK: No way. I know Sparky, Buster, and Wade like I know CM Punk's attire. They would never listen to that garbage.
Later, at the bus stop…
RK: YOU LISTEN TO THIS (BLEEP)?!
BUSTER: I don't think that sentence was worded well.
RK: How can you sit there and fill your ears with that crap?
WADE: RK, rap today is crap. Boy bands and contemporary pop music in general is catchy, have teen-friendly themes, and overall bring people together.
SPARKY: Besides, the ladies love pop.
RK: Why do you care? You have Halley.
SPARKY: She thinks I'm sexier listening to boy bands, and I love it.
BUSTER: One Direction is my favorite group, BTR is Sparky's, and Wade enjoys The Wanted.
RK: What in the world is BTR?
SPARKY: Big Time Rush?
RK: Oh. Right.
WADE: Look, RK, everyone enjoys a boy band or two. Just listen to one.
RK: No way. You think I'm going to be like blacks with Obama in 2008 and jump on the bandwagon just so I won't be left out? HELL NO! One thing RK Jennings will never do is ride dick.
BUSTER: Hey, it could be worse. We could all listen to Justin Bieber. Lord knows that kid has problems.
(Justin Bieber breathes)
WOLF BLITZER: In world news, pop star and teen idol Justin Bieber takes one breath away from dying citizens everywhere. WHY THE (BLEEP) DOES HE THINK THIS IS ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR?!
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Andrews' Classroom
Seattle, Washington
RK: I thought things would be different at school. But I was in for a rude awakening.
KAILY: So, did you listen to "Heart Attack" last night?
ALICIA: Yes, and Demi Lovato is amazing.
KAILY: I told you. Didn't I tell her?
SANNA: You sure did. I wish I could get One Direction tickets this summer.
ALICIA: It's in July, you still have lots of time.
SANNA: I know, but the prices are insane.
SPARKY: Hey everybody!
HALLEY: Sparky….
SPARKY: Halley, my queen.
(Sparky and Halley start kissing)
BUSTER: That will always gross me out.
RK: Oh, come on!
(Travis, Manny, and Will are playing "Like Nobody's Around" by Big Time Rush on their phones)
RK: You guys listen to this bubblegum pop garbage too?
TRAVIS: This ain't no garbage, RK. It's addictive, man.
WILL: Yeah, no one can resist boy bands.
MANNY: Unless you're a Dominican. What, RK? You Dominican? (Bleep) you, Dominican! Your people already stole the World Baseball Classic, now you're judging our music.
RK: I'M NOT DOMINICAN, YOU IDIOT!
SANNA: What's wrong, RK?
RK: This pop craze is killing me. Everybody is a Directioner or a Rusher or people Want them. And not just that. There's JB and Selena and Victoria and Demi and Taylor…
SANNA: RK, calm down. Just keep listening to what you want and hope that it gets better.
RK: I feel a disturbance, Sanna. A horrible disturbance.
WADE: What's up, SQ?
SANNA: Wade, my man!
(Sanna and Wade high-five and bump fists)
RK: Oh my God. I've entered the fourth dimension of Hell.
WADE: What?
RK: You're…friends….with Sanna Qureshi?
WADE: Basically, yeah.
RK: The girl you love so much but hates you so much?
WADE: Yes. She found out I was a huge fan of The Wanted and realized I'm not a total stalker asswipe.
(whispers in RK's ear) BUSTER: To his credit, he's lucky The Wanted is still popular in some markets. I hear they haven't recorded anything in months.
WADE: Buster….I'm standing right next to you.
(Wade is right, as he can hear everything Buster just said)
BUSTER: Well, their third album was cancelled months ago.
WADE: It was cancelled in February of this year!
(long pause)
BUSTER: Wade, nice job becoming buddies with Sanna.
(Wade is more annoyed and bored than flattered)
SPARKY: Anyone want to listen to "No Idea"?
(almost everybody, except for Halley and some other kids, agree)
("No Idea" by Big Time Rush starts playing on Sparky's iPod, and the kids start singing along. RK is sweating and a little sick.)
RK: I didn't feel like puking, and this AXE deodorant with motion sense was working like a charm. That's when I had to make a choice. I had to speak my mind, no matter how offensive.
(RK stands on Mr. Andrews' desk)
RK: SHUT THAT (BLEEP) OFF!
(Sparky turns off "No Idea")
WADE: RK, do you need a book on sentence structure or something?
RK: You guys don't understand. All these boy bands aren't real. All this pop music isn't real. It's just a watered-down, baby version of other genres. It's cheap, tacky, and uncreative. I don't care which guy didn't want to sleep with Taylor Swift. I don't care what Big Time Rush does when they're alone. And I don't care if One Direction wants to live while they're young. IT DOESN'T MATTER! You know why rappers didn't respect MC Hammer?
BUSTER: Actually, it's been Hammer since 1991, so….
RK: SHUT UP!
BUSTER: OK.
RK: Rappers didn't respect (puts up air quotes to please Buster) "Hammer" (Buster is pleased now) because he was trying to come up with records that weren't really rap. He was just interested in crossing over like a wannabe bitch. So everybody needs to stop. Pop music is garbage. Boy bands are garbage. And anyone who disagrees, you're a (BLEEP) VEGAN PUSSY FAGGOT WHO WANTS THE TERRORISTS TO WIN!
(extremely long, 20-second pause)
(imitating Chris Tucker) RK: If you try to beat me, I'll kick the puberty out your ass. You won't see it coming, YOU WON'T SEE IT COMING!
Hours later, at Burger King…..
RK: They saw it coming.
RK has tape around his head and nose, a black eye, and crutches.
RK: I shouldn't be narrating this story with a taped-up skull and a nose broken in two places, but I am. I wasn't worried about the pain. I'm a tough guy, it didn't bother me. I WAS worried about what everyone was turning into. Sparky, Buster, and Wade were so…..lame now. Yesterday, they had a one-hour conversation about why J.T. and Manny's relationship on Degrassi failed.
MR. PING WING HING ZING: Hey, kid who don't pay for no food, what you doing here? I thought you never come back, and I don't see your ugly face again.
RK: Don't make me whoop your ass again, Mr. Tuong Lu Kim. I'm not in the mood for an argument.
MR. PING WING HING ZING: I can see. Those kids whooped your ass like a piñata.
RK: How do you know what happened?
MR. PING WING HING ZING: My friend's godson go to school you go to. We're friend on Facebook, and he talked about your beating. I laughed so hard, soy sauce come out my eyes.
RK: Well, you didn't have to deal to Travis, who knew judo. Or Kaily, who was a master swordswoman.
MR. PING WING HING ZING: Talk to me about your failure. I listen, and give you horrible advice.
RK: You? Give me advice of any kind? This is more disturbing than that G.I. Joe episode I saw last night. It was a triple-crossover with Arthur and To Catch A Predator.
Arthur and D.W. are at the junkyard for reasons you don't need to know. All you need to know is, neither of them should be there due to it being off-limits by their parents. But Arthur didn't care, and went to the junkyard for his own reasons.
D.W: Arthur, maybe you shouldn't….
ARTHUR: It's OK, D.W. I'll just climb down safely and get the wheel. Piece of cake.
(Arthur, while he's climbing down, feels a hand on his shoulder)
ROADBLOCK: Maybe you shouldn't be doing this.
ARTHUR: Oh man, Roadblock!
D.W: What are you doing here?
CHRIS: I was wondering the same thing.
(Chris Hansen appears behind Roadblock, who starts getting worried)
ARTHUR: Whoa, Chris Hansen?
D.W: From To Catch A Predator?
CHRIS: That's right, D.W. Roadblock, you and several G.I. Joes keep saving kids from danger while leading them to more danger.
ROADBLOCK: I don't think that's fair, Chris. You see…..
CHRIS: It IS fair, Roadblock. You're not here to protect Arthur. You're here for underage sex, and I'm here to arrest you.
ROADBLOCK: NO, I WON'T LET YOU!
(Roadblock shoots himself once in the head, killing himself)
POLICE OFFICER: Well, we can't book the dead.
CHRIS: Let this be a lesson to you, kids. Run away from G.I. Joes whenever they try to "save" you from danger.
ARTHUR AND D.W: Now we know.
CHRIS: And knowing is half this (bleep) battle.
(The G.I. Joe theme song is performed, but the words "To Catch A Predator!" is sung instead. Everything is stolen, even the logo)
MR. PING WING HING ZING: I love Chris Hansen. Turn me on real good.
RK: OK? Anyway, everybody in my class is listening to all these boy bands and other pop music. I mean, it's horrible. That music is horrible.
MR. PING WING HING ZING: You need to understand people like that crap. Always have. In 60's, it was about Beatles. The 70's, Jackson 5. The 80's, New Edition and then New Kids on the Block. The 90's, Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC. And in 2000's, Jonas Brothers. It evolve, retard.
RK: I get that. But boy bands suck. They're just another part of the crap they call pop.
MR. PING WING HING ZING: I know you listen to boy band. Everyone listen to boy band.
RK: I'm a huge fan of the Jonas Brothers. They have my respect because they're rock first, pop second. And they take their music seriously.
MR. PING WING HING ZING: (Bleep) Jonas Brothers. Nobody give a damn about them anymore. They're not even relevant.
RK: THEY'RE MAKING A COMEBACK!
MR. PING WING HING ZING: Yeah, but no one care. Only stalker fans care.
RK: Whatever.
MR. PING WING HING ZING: Understand this, kid who don't pay for food. No one care what you think. You either eat the egg roll, or get it shoved down your throat.
RK: What?
MR. PING WING HING ZING: Either listen to crappy pop, or the nerd kid, the menace kid, and the criminal nigga stay away from you forever.
RK: I don't know. I guess.
(the hashtag #Jaylynnosophy shows up on the screen)
MR. PING WING HING ZING: I need $7.46 for that meal.
RK: Dammit…here.
MR. PING WING HING ZING: Kid, this is $1 and a Sour Power. YOU IDIOT! YOU (BLEEP) IDIOT! GET OUT MY STORE! GET OUT MY (BLEEP) STORE, ASSHOLE!
(RK leaves the store, not even thinking about fighting Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing again)
MR. PING WING HING ZING: Nothing to see here, folks. Kitty cat!
(The cat Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing got in the pilot is now working at Burger King)
MR. PING WING HING ZING: Get back to wok! I'll turn you into fried chicken, because Chinese people do that now!
(The cat does exactly that)
MR. PING WING HING ZING: I hate my (bleep) life. More than black men at GameStop.
BLACK MAN: You walk into GameStop, and a guy squeezes your girlfriend's ass. WHAT DO YOU DO?!
GUY: Trick question. If you're going to GameStop, you don't have a girlfriend.
(laughter)
BLACK MAN: (Bleep) you, nigga.
RK: Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, live and in effect here tonight in the KeyArena in downtown Seattle….RUN-DMC!
RUN: It's like THAT y'all, and we don't stop. TELL 'EM, D!
(Run-DMC's new, unnamed DJ scratches the turntables and samples "Mary, Mary" by The Monkees)
(Run-DMC performs a rap cover of "Mary, Mary")
DMC: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen here tonight!
RUN: THE KINGS ARE BACK!
DMC: AND YOU KNOW THIS!
(cheering)
SCENE 3
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK: I thought about what Mr. Miyagi said about this whole pop music thing. And I think he was right. I shouldn't have to just lay down for everybody else. I would come to school tomorrow and listen to what I want.
KG: RK, who are you talking to?
RK: My imaginary friend….Jaylynn.
KG: Does she have a last name?
(long pause)
RK: Michelle?
(long pause)
KG: OK.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
BUSTER: I miss RK.
WADE: Me too.
SPARKY: I know, guys. But he just hates listening to this kind of music. He'll come to his senses eventually.
(RK comes in with a boombox and a red kangol)
RK: Hey, fellas and lady fellas!
SPARKY: Or not.
RK: What's up, traitors?
SPARKY: RK, you turned on us by saying our music sucks.
WADE: And we're vegan pussy fags who want the terrorists to win.
BUSTER: Daniel Bryan's a vegan, RK. He's not cool now?
RK: Look, guys, I spoke my mind and you should respect that. You should also respect the 15 staples I got in my skull after you and the rest of Team Nutsack destroyed it.
SPARKY: You kind of deserve it.
RK: Damn, can't we just have a regular conversation at lunch?
WADE: Sure, buddy.
(Buster turns on "Live While We're Young" by One Direction)
RK: Oh no!
(RK turns on "I'm Bad" by LL Cool J)
SPARKY: RK, no!
(Sparky turns on "Oh Yeah" by Big Time Rush)
RK: Nah-uh.
(RK turns on "Straight Outta Compton" by N.W.A.)
WADE: Damn you, RK.
(Wade turns on "Chasing The Sun" by The Wanted)
RK: You guys are really pushing it.
(RK turns on "Follow The Leader" by Eric B. & Rakim)
BUSTER: No, you are.
(Buster turns on "I Wish" by One Direction, and pretty soon, everyone has it on their iPhones or whatever they've got)
RK: THAT'S IT!
(RK walks out of the lunchroom steamed)
WADE: Do you guys think we should get a NEW fourth friend?
SPARKY: I could call my buddy from Portland, Jaylynn. Except she's…..
BUSTER: What?
SPARKY: She's so…Jaylynnish.
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK: One day, this kid was upset because everyone he knew had a Woogle. And he tried to get one too because he didn't want to be left out. It failed, but he ended up starting a new trend. That kid was Arthur Read. I wasn't going to follow Arthur's lead. It was time to do the one thing I thought I would never dream of doing: ride dick.
("Hold On" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background)
RK doesn't have much of a choice at this point. He decides to learn to love pop music. Damned if he does (becoming a dick-riding bandwagoner), damned if he doesn't (losing Sparky, Buster, and Wade). RK exposes himself to various types of pop, including his most hated kind: teen pop. RK despises and is disgusted by every song he listens to. The kid throws up at Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, and New Kids on the Block.
RK: Spending my entire time after-school trying to listen to that processed piece of shit. Maybe I should just give up.
(Mr. Tuxedo Pants meows)
RK: I know it's cool right now, Mr. Tuxedo Pants. But everybody is doing it, and I feel like I shouldn't join the bandwagon.
(RK goes to sleep, and wakes up in this futuristic world)
RK: Dude, what the (bleep)? Am I having that dream where the manager at IHOP touches me?
JC: No, you're having a pop dream.
(the members of *NSYNC, minus Justin Timberlake, show up)
RK: Wait, I know you guys. JC Chasez, Chris Kirkpatrick, Lance Bass, and Joey Fatone. OH MY GOD! YOU'RE NEW EDITION!
CHRIS: Dude, we're *NSYNC.
RK: Are you sure? Oh yeah, New Edition was black.
JOEY: What are you trying to say?
RK: That no one in New Edition was white or gay.
LANCE: You want to say that again? Because I swear I'll…..
JC: Lance, take it easy. We're here to help you, RK.
RK: With what?
CHRIS: Pop has a bad reputation. But we don't want you thinking what everyone else thinks.
RK: But you are.
CHRIS: Huh?
RK: By turning me on to pop music, I'm going to think what everyone else thinks, which is what you don't want.
CHRIS: I mean the skeptics and haters out there!
JOEY: Why are we wasting our time with this kid? I mean, he hates Breaking Bad for crying out loud.
RK: I DON'T NEED TO LIKE THAT DAMN SHOW!
LANCE: Look, we think that it's not just pop. It's the KIND of pop you don't like.
RK: Doubt it.
JC: Well, we'll show you. BT!
(BT starts scratching turntables)
RK: Hold up! Weren't there five of you guys or something?
CHRIS: Yeah, but one of us decided to create a solo career and a movie career.
RK: Yeah, Justin Timberlake. And he's doing much better than you guys. How far have you fallen that you're appearing in a nine-year old's dream? SHAME ON YOU!
(long pause)
(*NSYNC performs "Dirty Pop (Pop)" while all of Justin's lines are sung by an odd-looking machine that could be mistaken for a computer system)
LATER ON…..
JOEY: YEAH, SUCK ON THAT!
LANCE: So how was the song?
RK: It was awesome! You guys are cooler than white kids who shorten words!
WHITE GUY #1: I don't want to skip school. The 'rents will kill me.
WHITE GUY #2: Forget the fam, they don't make a diff.
WHITE GUY #1: A huge diff. They'll murd me.
WHITE GUY #2: Look, let's just have some fun at the game. Don't worry bout the 'rents.
WHITE GUY #1: OK. I guess the whole experi won't be too bad.
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Playground
Seattle, Washington
SPARKY: So, Jaylynn, you want to be a long-distance member of Testicular Sound Express?
JAYLYNN: Um…I don't know, really. Maybe. I'm just not that sure.
SPARKY: Well, I'm going to need a decision within the next 48 hours.
JAYLYNN: Probably. (Jaylynn giggles) Weed hat. I like my weed hat.
(bored) SPARKY: Jaylynn, are you smoking marijuana right now?
JAYLYNN: No. I haven't smoked weed for like, what, 10 minutes? Hey, do you think you can kick my ass?
(bored) SPARKY: Bye Jaylynn.
(Sparky hangs up)
BUSTER: So, I'm assuming it went well?
WADE: Sparky, is Jaylynn retarded or something?
SPARKY: No. She just really likes smoking pot. Legend has it she's smoked so much, it's turned her into who she is today. That girl can't even make a decision anymore without being stoned.
BUSTER: Now we have no fourth friend.
RK: Sure, you do.
(RK shows up smiling with earphones and an iPod)
WADE: RK, what do you want?
RK: Look, guys, I shouldn't have criticized you for the music you listen to. I mean, I've spent nine years trying not to judge people over small things and look at me blowing up.
BUSTER: I could understand that.
WADE: Somewhat I could.
SPARKY: You know, I should apologize myself. I shouldn't have tried to replace you. Who was I thinking Jaylynn Michelle could ever take your spot?
RK: Wait, did you say Jaylynn? Jaylynn Michelle?
SPARKY: Yeah.
(RK raises his eyebrow at the camera)
SPARKY: Look, anyway, welcome back, buddy.
(Sparky extends his arms)
RK: Thanks, pal.
(Sparky and RK hug)
RK: And you know what, guys? I actually started listening to this boy band junk. I have to say, it's not half-bad.
BUSTER: Who's your favorite group?
RK: *NSYNC.
WADE: Dude, *NSYNC is so 2002.
RK: So 2000, Wade. Their peak was in 2000. Anyway, I think "Bye Bye Bye" is going to be my new ringtone. And I found out the meaning behind the song. I can't believe Lou Pearlman did that to them!
TRAVIS: You listen to *NSYNC?
RK: Yeah.
TRAVIS: Dude, they're so irrelevant now.
RK: Did *NSYNC show up in YOUR dream last night? I don't think so.
WILL: RK, *NSYNC is so lame.
MANNY: Yeah, only a real Dominican would listen to them.
RK: I'M NOT A DOMINICAN, DUMBASS! And I don't care what you guys think. *NSYNC is boss. And if you don't like it, you can burn me at the stake for all I care!
(thinking) RK: I was either really stupid or really badass to do this. But at that point, I wasn't thinking about nothing. Except defending my music.
MINUTES LATER…..
The kids have hung RK by the back of his shirt on the gate for listening to *NSYNC.
(bored) RK: Well. This did not go so well.
SPARKY: You're telling us. Lucky we were here to watch your ass.
BUSTER: I feel so alive right now.
WADE: I can't feel anything below my waist.
RK: Thanks a lot guys for watching my ass.
HALLEY: Thank me too!
RK: Halley, you're here to watch Sparky's ass, not mine.
HALLEY: Is that so wrong?
SPARKY: No, it's not, sweetheart.
HALLEY: Awww.
KAILY: I'm watching Buster's ass.
BUSTER: Thanks, buddy.
KAILY: You're welcome, buddy.
(long pause)
(chuckling) RK: Hey, you know what they say about friends in high places, right?
(as soon as RK is done talking) WADE: Shut up, RK.
RK: (Bleep) you.
TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for….
STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!
KIDS: Music time!
STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.
("Money" by I Fight Dragons playing in the background)
©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
