Disclaimer: I do not own Zero No Tsukaima.

I'm using the Light Novels as my main source.

So, here's the first chapter of the rewrite.

I made several changes to Saito, but this Saito more resembles the canon Saito more than my previous incarnation of him.

The changes I made will be discussed at the end of this chapter.

This time, I will alternate between points of view. I won't write 'LOUISE'S POV' or 'SAITO'S POV' though. I'll just make it blatantly obvious whose point of view I'm writing in by some other storytelling means.

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Today is the day.

The day I will either prove myself to be a mage… or a failure.

Today is the time of the springtime familiar summoning ritual.

I have studied tirelessly for this day… memorized entire theoretical books. Yet, I still feel my chances of success are no better than zero.

No, I have to be confident.

I shall not fail. Not this time. I cannot fail. I try to mentally prepare myself for the inevitable failure. I mean for the inevitable summoning, not for failure. I will not fail. Not today.

"Louise Françoise le Blanc de la Vallière," Mr. Colbert calls me.

I step forward into the clearing. I stutter for a while before regaining enough composure to begin my chant.


"Yes! I am a freaking genius!" I shout. I have just earned 1.7 billion dollars in capital gains. How, you ask? Well, I invented a new financial tool called the Secured Government Dead Bond, which is a fancy term for huge loans doled out by private investors to governments. The difference between SGDBs and usual government bonds is that in SGDB deals, the government has to pledge several assets as collateral, and the bond has to be paid back with liquid money before the deadline or the assets pledged has to be given to the private investors, usually by a third party. SGDBs allow countries with horrible credit rating and already sky high taxation to borrow huge amounts of money from private investors by pledging several assets as collateral, while private investors remain relatively shielded from risks because the assets' ownership are temporarily given to a third party, which will be given to the private investors if the bond payment misses the deadline. I have devised an SGDB deal with the Soviet Union, loaning them 700 million dollars of liquid money for a meager 0.00001% interest, given that they pledge a total of 2.1 billion dollars in military assets as collateral. It is a very tempting deal indeed, as the interest rate is nearly nothing, much lower than even the usual government bonds loaned to triple-A rating countries. The Kremlin thinks that since they can pay easily. All they need to do is pay back the loan plus a mere seven thousand dollars in interest, which they can easily do by trading their stockpile of rubles for dollars with China. The Kremlin accepted the deal, and I simply waited until the three month deadline arrives. Unfortunately for the Kremlin (and fortunately for me), the currency market has chosen to devalue their currency relative to the dollar by nearly three-fold just a mere month before the deadline, something I predicted beforehand (communists have difficulty understanding how markets actually work). Having squandered all their dollar reserves for improving their navy, they were unable to pay back the bond without causing hyperinflation, so they defaulted and gave me 2.1 billion dollars worth of military equipment. Unlike money, capital doesn't devalue that easily, especially if said capital comes in the form of fourth generation military jets. That's right folks; I have successfully obtained 70 fully loaded Su-27s worth 2.1 billion dollars with only seven hundred million dollars of investment. I doubt today can get any better.

"Saito, it is dinner time! We have you favorite today; Hamburger steak!" my mom shouts from downstairs. This day definitely just got better… at least four times better. I simply delight in my mom's cooking, and I'd gladly trade my 1.7 billion dollar earnings just to eat her cooking, especially if it's hamburger steak.

"Coming mom!" I shout back. I close my laptop and pack it into my laptop bag. Then, I run downstairs to the dining room. I see my stepdad trying to get the better plate of Hamburger steak. As if I'll let him do that!

"Not so fast!"I shout, tackling my stepdad before he reaches the dining table. I and my stepdad have a very friendly relationship. Funny story; I met my stepdad before my mom did. In fact, I was the one who introduced her to him. I was attending university as afterschool classes after High school ends, so you could say I was attending both High school and university at the same time. My natural talent for psychology (despite focus on finance) attracted the attention of my Psychology professor. We became friends a few days after my first day in university, and once I invited him to my home so that we can play counter-strike together. When he arrived at my house, however, instead of playing counter-strike with me he conversed with my mom… and in a few months they got married. My biological dad left me before I was even born. It's a good thing my mom is a certified genius.

"What the heck! I wasn't trying to take your plate or anything!" says my dad, lifting me up while getting up himself. Despite being sixteen years of age, I look as if I'm fourteen. My short height and lightness doesn't help, despite the fact that I eat more than anyone in my class. The second to fourth best eater combined in my class could barely match me in appetite. Yet, I am still painfully short. My mom says it's just stunted growth, but I will consider height enhancing medicine. I never pay any attention in biology class, so I don't really know what actually causes growth.

After a few minutes conversing with my dad, we finally sit down and start eating.

"itadakimasu," we say in unison, before eating our food while conversing about our daily activities.

"So Saito, how's school?" asks my Mom.

"Great, although I find it rather boring and unchallenging," I answer her. I inherited my genius from my mom, although she specializes in science and engineering instead of finance and economics. She knows how boring schools are for geniuses, having experienced the boredom herself. Despite knowing that, she insists I go to a normal high school, although I am permitted to enroll myself in a university as afterschool and weekend classes, provided I still do both my high school and university homework well. She insists that having and making friends my own age is good for me, and I sincerely agree with her since I really do enjoy the company of my friends. I used to be marginalized and bullied before my stepdad gave me tips on how to make friends. Now I have quite of a large circle of friends, whose company I value highly.

"How about university? Any problems?" asks my Stepdad.

"No. I completed all my theses and credits already. Now I'm just cruising through the rest of the semester," I answer him. My Stepdad smiles at me knowingly. He teaches me doctorate level psychology class in university, and his class was the first I completed. I know he is both proud to have me as his student and as his son.

"And your evil organization? Is it well managed?" my mom asks. Yes, my family knows I run an evil organization. Apparently, they accepted my evil tendencies quite well. My mom is particularly happy that I target the Soviet Union so many times for my schemes, having being a Soviet defector herself. Yes, I'm half Russian, half Japanese.

"A few problems, the most important one being I need more high quality financiers and accountants to expand my operations," I answer her.

"Seriously? Don't you already have accountants to keep track of your accountants who count your accountants?" She questions me, eyebrows raised.

"Yes, I know. Maybe I need to invest more time and money streamlining bureaucracy and flattening organization," I answer her in agreement.

"Is your science research department doing well," she asks me again. When I created my evil organization, my mom constantly nagged me to start up a science research department. I conceded just because she was annoying, although I quickly thanked her. Unlike the investments in physical capital and capital accumulation, which have diminishing returns, new and innovative ideas typically exhibit increasing returns, which is why research, not only in science but in finance and organization as well, is very important. In fact, only 10% of my organization's funds are invested in physical capital, 20% is used for maintenance (wages and benefits included), 30% for producing financial services for export and 30% for all kinds of research.

"It's doing well, Mom. In fact, they have just sent me a report you might find interesting," I answer her. She then politely asks for a copy, which I answer I can get to her tomorrow morning.


Having played Team Fortress 2 five hours straight the night before, I woke up late, and in my rush to pack my things and go to school, I decided to give her the report later.

Looking back, I shouldn't have procrastinated on giving her the report.

Primarily because I might not see her for a long time, because as of right now, I am being surrounded by a crowd of what looks like fantasy obsessed cosplaying roleplayers, although there are only mages and no knights or rouges.

"Who are you?" a peach haired girl asks me, in what I assume to be an old dialect of French. Being polite, I decide to answer in a soft spoken manner.

"Good afternoon, dear lady. My name is Hiraga Saito. May I ask your name?" I ask politely in modern French. I doubt the translation would work given the time gap, but I don't have any choice in the matter.

"What is that accent?" She asks me in a refined voice. So she does understand me, albeit with some difficulty. More complex thoughts and ideas might not be translatable, though.

"I'm not from these parts," I answer her. Honestly, I doubt whether or not I'm in earth at all.

"What do you mean commoner? Where do you come from?" she asks again, infuriated. Her inability to respond with politeness in kind greatly annoys me. Her refined voice apparently doesn't automatically make her polite.

"Louise, what were you thinking, calling a commoner with 'Summon Servant'?" asks a rude boy. Seriously, is everyone here condescending twats? What happened to being polite?

"I... I just made a little mistake!" the girl in front of me shouts in a bell-like voice.

"What mistake are you talking about? Nothing unusual happened," says another rude person.

"Of course! After all, she's Louise the Zero!" someone else says, and the crowd bursts into laughter again.

"Mr. Colbert!" the girl, whom I assume is Louise, shouts. As she calls to this 'Mr. Colbert, the crowd parts, revealing a middle aged man with a kind but absent minded demeanor.

"Please! Let me try the summoning one more time!" Louise begs in a hasty and panicky voice. I find her panic rather cute, and I probably wouldn't mind dating her if she were from my world, peach hair genetic impossibility notwithstanding.

While they're discussing stuff I probably would not care, I decide to delve into deep thought, trying to remember just what the heck happened to me.

Alright, today I woke up really late. With only half an hour to go to school, I took a quick shower, packed my bags, ate a quick breakfast and burst out of my house in a run. I'm not a great athlete, but given that I will be late to school if I don't run, I had no other choice but to run. While huffing out of breath, a pale blue portal suddenly opened up in front of me. I quickly ran an opportunity cost (1) analysis in my brain. If I go to school, I will simply learn stuff that I already understand and go through excruciating boredom in great patience. If explore the portal, I might get an absent or late mark in school, but I get to cut the excruciating boredom by a few hours, and as long as I took photos of what the portal leads to, I can easily convince my mom that such exploration was worth it. Unfortunately, these opportunity costs tend to not fully reveal themselves until the investment in already underway. In my case, I got trapped in a great nothingness after I went through the portal. Then I got teleported here in one heck of a concussive explosion.

Crap. If I don't return home soon my mom would ground me. Seriously, once I came home late because some hired guns tried to kill me with a squad of freaking attack choppers. I had to call in an airstrike from my military department and deploy two rapid response squads, as well as a favor from PEMPTO (2) to clean the mess up for me. When I got home and explained to my mom why I was late, as well as show the proof needed to prove that a squad of attack choppers indeed tried to kill me, I still got grounded for a week without games. I need to get home, fast!

"Hey," Louise addresses me, shaking me out of my reminiscing stupor.

"Pardon me?" I ask her, still being polite. It's a cultural thing, really. I grew up with politeness being the norm.

"You should count yourself lucky. Normally you'd go your whole life without a noble doing this to you," she suddenly declares to me.

"What?" I say.


"What is it that you want from me, Miss Vallière?" Mr. Colbert asks me.

"Please! Let me try the summoning one more time!" I beg to him. My pride usually forbids me from begging to anyone, but given the humiliation of having to have a commoner as a familiar, this is a very special exception.

"I cannot allow that, Miss Vallière." Mr. Colbert replies, shattering my hopes to do the summoning one more time and summon something actually useful.

"Why not?" I ask him, struggling to keep my voice from shaking.

"It is strictly forbidden. When you are promoted to a second year student, you must summon a familiar, which is what you just did." Mr. Colbert explains to me. I try to protest, but Mr. Colbert continues anyway.

"Your elemental specialty is decided by the familiar that you summon. It enables you to advance to the appropriate courses for that element. You cannot change the familiar once you have summoned it, because the Springtime Familiar Summoning is a sacred rite. Whether you like it or not, you have no choice but to take him."

"But... I've never heard of having a commoner as a familiar!" I say, still trying to convince Mr. Colbert.

Everyone around me laughs. I scowl at my classmates, but the laughter continues.

"This is a tradition, Miss Vallière. I cannot allow any exceptions; he," Mr. Colbert points at the commoner, "may be a commoner, but as long as he was summoned by you, he must be your familiar. Never in history has a human been summoned as a familiar, but the Springtime Familiar Summoning takes precedence over every rule. In other words, there is no other way around it: he must become your familiar." Mr. Colbert explains.

"You have got to be joking..." I sigh, exasperated. I involuntarily droop my shoulders in disappointment.

"Well then, continue with the ceremony."

"With him?" I exclaim. Sure, he doesn't look half bad as a commoner, but as a noble kissing him is completely below my status! And what kind of clothes is he wearing anyway?

"Yes, with him. Hurry, the next class will begin any minute. How much more time is this summoning going to take? After mistake upon mistake, you have finally managed to summon him. Hurry and form a contract." Mr. Colbert says to me patiently. Even after hours and hours of practice, my nervousness still managed to make me make mistakes during my chanting. My classmates start jeering in agreement.

I stare at this commoner's face, troubled.

"Hey," I address the commoner. I think his name is Saito, although being a noble I could care less about his name.

"Pardon me?" he replies.

"You should count yourself lucky. Normally you'd go your whole life without a noble doing this to you," I explain to him in contempt.

"What?" he croaks out surprised.

I close my eyes in resignation. Waving my wand to concentrate my magic, I start my chant.

"My name is Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière. Pentagon of the Five Elemental Powers; bless this humble being, and make him my familiar." I chant. I repeat the chant many times until I feel I have the right amount of willpower focused in my wand. Then, I touch his forehead with my wand and draw my lips closer. I have both social and emotional objections in doing such an act of intimacy with someone I barely know… a commoner no less! But I have no choice. This is my only shot to prove that I am indeed a mage and worthy of my noble status.

I kneel so that his eyes are parallel to mine. I lean forward to capture his lips. He leans back, attempting to escape my lips. Despite myself, I am seriously offended by his actions. Does he think I am not worthy enough for his servitude? I am a noble! More than what he can ever be! Okay, maybe I'm not that good in doing magic… no, banish that thought. My chest isn't exactly something to be proud of either… no, no, no, be confident, Louise.

"Just stay still," I command him, irritation in my voice.

"Pardon me, but I think this is hardly appropriate given that we have just met," he politely remarks.

I ignore him and continue leaning towards him. His face twists in panic.

"Ah, geez! I told you to stay still!" I irritatingly say. I grab his cheek with my left hand, securing his head in place and cutting of his retreat.

My lips touch his.


Her lips touch mine.

The experiential part of me screams 'Hell yeah! A cute girl kissed me! Me, the friendly nice guy at high school who no girl is ever interested in, kissed by a cute girl! Her chest is rather undeveloped, but who cares! Score one for the nice guy!' well, sure I plan to conquer the world… well, the one I came from anyway, via a monopoly of financial services, but despite my evilness I'm still nice and polite. Being evil, in my opinion, is no excuse for being uncivil.

The rational part of me is experiencing the biological version of blue screen of death right now. This part will give its input when it has completed its memory dumping and its post crash reboot.

Reboot completed. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!

Did this peach haired girl just kiss me? What the fuck? We just met, dammit! I'm not ready to sacrifice my first kiss! And she stole it! What the hell is this place?

I decide to listen to the conversation unfolding. I might get some useful information as to where the heck I am.

"You have failed 'Summon Servant' many times, but you have managed to succeed with 'Contract Servant' in one try," says Mr. Colbert happily.

"It's just because he's only a commoner," a student remarks.

"If he was a powerful magical beast, she wouldn't have been able to make a contract," another remarks.

Some of the students laugh.

Louise scowls at them. "Don't make fun of me! Even I do things right once in a while!"

"Truly 'once in a while', Louise the Zero," laughs a girl with blonde curly hair.

"Mr. Colbert! Montmorency the Flood just insulted me!" Louise complains.

"Who are you calling 'the Flood'? I'm Montmorency the Fragrance!"

"I heard that you used to wet the bed like a flood, didn't you? 'The Flood' suits you better!"

Her riposte impresses me. It's still rather crude, but quick witted and impressive nonetheless.

"I hadn't expected better manners from Louise the Zero." Montmorency replies. Her reply is rather hypocritical. After all, she was the one who started insulting her first.

My train of thought is interrupted when a peculiar burning sensation strikes my left hand and bombards my pain receivers with the sensation of having hot metal pressed upon my skin. I clutch my left hand attempting to minimize the pain. It did not work.

"Ouch!" I say rather loudly.

"It will be over soon; just wait. The Familiar's Runes are being inscribed," says Louise, irritation in her voice.

"Well, excuse me for experiencing searing pain! I'm sure YOU would be able to withstand roughly the same amount!" I sarcastically belittle her. Seriously, I don't usually turn impolite, but she's annoying enough to give me an exception.

I notice I just spoke in olden French. Interesting, so the runes automatically translate what I want to say. How convenient.

"How dare you address me like that, commoner!" she retorts. Commoner? Insolent whelp! Screw dating her, I don't think I could withstand her personality!

The runes finish its inscription and the searing pain subsides.

"These are very unusual runes," Mr. Colbert comments while observing my runes. Apparently, in a world where tattoos ingrain themselves onto people while defying the conservation of mass and energy, these runes are still unusual.

"Well, let's go back to class everyone," Mr. Colbert shouts. Everyone promptly levitates to class. Wait a second… what? Did they just levitate?

I immediately confirm my nagging suspicion that I am in a fantasy world.

"Louise, you'd better walk back!"

"She shouldn't try to fly. She can't even manage levitation."

"A commoner is perfect as your familiar!" the students jeer at Louise. Aaaah, so Louise is incompetent at magic, hence 'Louise the Zero'. But having summoned me, a certified genius, she certainly has some potential. Otherwise, the realization of having being summoned by a complete idiot would push me towards a critical existence failure. Let's hope she has potential.

"Who are you?" Louise asks me once again when everybody has left.

"Pardon me, but may I ask for clarification? Are you asking for my name or for details about me? Or is this question rhetorical?" I ask her back, reverting to my usual state of politeness when addressing someone not in my inner circle of acquaintances.

"I am asking for details about you, idiot. I already know your name, moron," she answers me angrily. I see she has a trigger temper.

"Firstly, my name is not 'moron', nor is it 'idiot'. It is Saito. Secondly, it is my opinion that details about me hardly matter at this time," I answer her.

"Where are you from, then?" she asks me.

"I honestly cannot answer that question unless you clarify where I am right now," I answer her, planning to get at least a meager grasp of the situation.

"I don't know from which backwoods you come from, but all right, I'll explain to you,"

She clears her throat and continues.

"This is Tristain! And this is the renowned Tristain Academy of Magic!"

"Academy of Magic?" I ask for clarification. She promptly ignores me at continues with her explanation.

"I'm a second year student, Louise de La Vallière. I am your master from now on. Remember that!"

"Sorry to interject, but did you summon me using 'magic'?" I ask. I need to clarify the universal primacy of the conservation of mass, if only to disprove my mom when I get back. I still hold a grudge for her because she called economics 'the dismal science'.

"Obviously. What else if not magic?"

"And they could fly just now because…"

"Magic, dimwit,"

I decide to ignore her insult. I might be on to something here.

"So, can this magic, say, create stuff out of thin air?" I ask. Oh please, reality, don't fail me!

"Obviously. It's magic!"

Magic freaking exists! Take that mom! And you said physics are the fundamental rules of the universe, calling economics the dismal science! Which science is dismal now, huh?

Sometimes my own childishness amuses me.

I decide to take a potshot at my 'master' Louise, just to show her that she can't control me without being relentlessly insulted by my wit.

"And you are called 'Louise the Zero' because you are… what is the phrase I'm looking for… impossibly incompetent at magic, I presume?"

I see Louise's cheeks turn red in rage while her mouth gapes open. I wait for her retort, and I received it.

In the form a flying knee to my diaphragm.

Apparently, she doesn't know magic but she knows a wee bit of Kung fu… or she's just that angry.

I take one last look at her face before slipping to unconsciousness.

Totally worth it.


Notes:

Changes to Saito' personality:

-Doesn't have the 'kill everyone' and 'dissect everyone' tendency I wrote before. I deem those too stereotypically evil.

-Is now very polite, to the point of being Affably Evil. In general, he's much nicer. In particular, he's much more childish.

-I'm going to try to make him into a magnificent bastard.

-Has a lot of Character Tics, which I will reveal in story.

-No longer has a tragic back story, aside from his biological father leaving him, but he's too young to remember.

Other notes:

(1) Opportunity Cost: From Investopedia: The cost of an alternative that must be forgone in order to pursue a certain action. Put another way, the benefits you could have received by taking an alternative action.

In simple words, if you have to make a decision either eating a cake or eating an ice cream but not both, if you choose to eat the cake the cost is that you necessarily discard the ice cream, and vice versa. This applies to all stuff you do: For example, by spending time writing this fan fiction I necessarily lose time to do something else, like study or play games. The cost of writing this fan fiction is therefore not only the investment of time and mental strength, but also the loss of time to study. I don't really care, though .

(2) PEMPTO: Pacific Economic-Military-Political Treaty Organization. Replaces NATO. Saito doesn't come from our world, mainly for my storytelling convenience.

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