"Hold it right there, KP!"

(Harsh whisper) "Ron, I have to pee!"

"And you're going into the correct bathroom. That's a good start. But do you know the rules?"

"There are rules for going to the bathroom?"

"It's a good thing I caught you. Okay, here's the scenario: what do you do if – "

"Talk fast, Ron. That Mega Gulp you had earlier is in a hurry."

"Short version: you go in there, and you take the urinal as far as possible away from another guy as possible. You go in and there's nobody there? Take one at one end of the row or the other. If there's a guy at one end, you take the other. If there's a guy at both ends, you take the one in the center. Only if all three of those positions are occupied do you take one next to another guy."

"You're not serious."

"Note serious face, KP. And no matter where you're standing, eyes straight ahead."

"You guys are that worried about somebody peeking?"

"Always. That's the whole point of the rules."

"Isn't that just a tad homophobic?"

(Thoughtful pause)

"Nah, we just don't want anybody to see our shortcomings."

"How 'bout I just use a stall?"

"What you see in there might frighten even you, KP."

"Might. Or you might be surprised how much not better than boys girls are when it comes to bathroom hygiene."

Shrug. "Okay, then, a stall is workable. Remember: you don't need to drop trou or sit down, and wiping is overkill. Just shake. And above all, remember the fly."

"Right. Can I go now? Your back teeth are floating!"

"Sure. Just…pass no judgments, okay?"

"I'm leaving now."

Two minutes later

"You know, that is amazingly convenient. Aiming is a little harder than I thought it would be…"

"Sprays like a garden hose, doesn't it?"

"Yep. Still amazingly convenient."

"Sure is. I'm kinda missing it right now…"

"You have to go now?"

"All that talking about it…"

"Well, why didn't you?"

"I just wanted to find out if there were any rules first."

Sigh. "There are no rules. Except for my rules."

"No looking and minimum possible touching?"

"Right."

"Gotcha."