A/N: I was a little disappointed that they never showed the fall out from the Court Case and Kim's Admission and how it affected Ruzek and the ramifications. I know they can't fit everything in but just ignoring major plot lines makes it frustrating to watch. They had so many missed opportunities last season to round out and show some development of all the characters but instead, in this case left us trying to put the pieces together in a very poorly written and handled storyline.

Broken.

Betrayed.

He couldn't think of any other words right now that would or could explain how he felt. Wait…

Crushed

Heartbroken

Embarrassed

They kept coming. In waves, crashing over him one after the other. He couldn't breathe or speak. The walls were closing in around him and he looked for the exit, but he couldn't move. So he just sat, head bowed and tried not to scream, or cry or vomit.

As soon as they were done he burst through the doors and flew down the steps, he could hear Atwater behind him, calling his name. He had felt his hand on his back when she destroyed him now he didn't want anyone to touch him, ever again. The thought of physical contact made his skin crawl.

What had he done to make her hate him? How could she be so cruel? How could he be so stupid?

He jumped in his truck, his heart was racing, unnaturally so and for a brief moment he wondered if it was going to stop all together. Slamming it into drive he got out of the parking lot in record time, he needed not to be here anymore. And he drove.

All those pieces were starting falling into place.

He should have seen it coming. Obviously she never loved him like he loved her. He'd been a fool for following his heart. She made him look like a fool in front of everyone he worked with. He'd pined for her, they all knew it and had tired to pull him up but he resisted because he still had hope.

Hope….what a pathetic word. He had hope and she was just laughing at him, they both were. She wouldn't even talk to him; he'd tried. Sure it was strange for him and he didn't know what to do. He'd never had to fight for a woman. In all honesty more often than not he had to fight them off.

He tried to talk to her a few times and she brushed him off. What was he supposed to do? Hire a skywriter. He'd spent hours, alone trying to join the dots. It wasn't him that asked to push the wedding back, twice! Sure he didn't jump up and down with excitement about wedding plans, but he loved her.

Now the dots were connecting. She'd called it off to be with him. He'd been right. Al told him to stop 'chasing tail'. He was a fucking fool.

He'd felt like shit that day he told Roman that he could date her. Jealousy was never his thing, he trusted her and he was trying to make her see what he was up to. He'd had his suspicions all along, that Roman was into her and it was the odd thing she would say, things that Roman had told her or said to her about marrying a cop. But he trusted her completely and trusted her to put him in his place if need be. So that day, when his jealousy finally bubbled over he felt like shit and thought he could see how upset she was. He thought he saw that she still loved him. How fucking dumb was he? They were probably already fucking?

How long had it been going on? How long had he they been laughing behind his back at how pathetic he was? Who else knew? Probably everyone…

Some words floated back to him from the court. 'We had just started….' Sure, was that another lie? He couldn't trust a word she said anymore.

He found a bar; a long way from anywhere and it was almost empty. The barman eyed him suspiciously as he pulled up a stool and demanded a beer and a shot of whiskey. It was not the kind of place you wore a suit and he stood out like a sore thumb to the three other people occupying the stools along the bar. No one spoke to each other, looked at each other or even acknowledge that they weren't alone. This was exactly the place he needed to be, where no one knew his name or his pain. A place where no one cared.

Slamming it back he let the roughness of it sting his throat. He shook his head and ordered another. He could feel his phone buzzing in his pocket. Ten missed calls, but it was the text message from her that caught his eye.

Adam, I'm sorry. Please can we talk? I want to explain things to you.

He knew he shouldn't reply but he couldn't help himself. He wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt him, although he wasn't sure that was even possible. 'Fuck you.' He sent back. Luckily he had the sense to delete the rest of the message he'd typed. That was enough.

Adam please. Just let me know you are okay?

He deleted it and her number and turned his phone off. She wanted to explain things to him…now. She wanted to talk to him now? What about the last few months? Why hadn't she wanted to talk to him then? No, he wasn't going to let her off the hook. She had her chance; she'd made her bed… he laughed bitterly to himself….. and she'd chosen Sean fucking Roman's bed so she could rot in it. There was no way he was giving her the satisfaction of making herself feel better.

It was too late. He knew everything he needed to know. It was over, the last glimmer of hope he had snuffed out. When he approached her in the locker room despite knowing she was in shock he saw something in her eyes, he felt something in the way she touched his arm. Was this all a game to her? She was like a cat playing with a mouse, cruel and unfeeling and relentless.

What had he done to her to make her hate him like she did? Why hadn't he ever seen this side of her, this cruel, heartless side of her? How blind was he? He thought of another word.

Stupid.

The third shot made his head buzz, it was only doing half it's job. It was numbing the pain but it wasn't making him forget. So he ordered another.

He was smart enough to ask the barman to type the address of the bar into his phone so that he could come back and get his car tomorrow before he staggered from the building. The cold night air hit him like a slap in the face as he waited for his cab.

His anger turned inward. He hated himself. He hated himself for being scared of marriage, for being stubborn when he didn't chase after her, for letting himself believe that she would come back. For not doing anything, not that he had any idea what she wanted. She never told him what the problem was because she never spoke to him again. 'I'm letting you off.' That was the last complete sentence she had said to him. Every other time he had approached her to talk he had got single words. 'I'm fine…thanks Ruzek…' God, how stupid could one man be. Why did he keep coming back for more?

Sure he wasn't exactly coherent, it was clumsy but he was just trying to at least break the ice and hope that it would lead somewhere but he felt like she shut him down at every opportunity. He'd done everything she'd asked. 'Let's push back the wedding date.'…Sure, if that's what you want. 'Let's not worry about the wedding until this blows over.'…Okay but you are the best thing I've got going on. 'We need a place of our own.'…Once Al gets back on his feet we'll do that.

The dinner with their parents, that was shitty. His Dad bailed on him and he'd pulled the pin, thinking that it was more about their parents meeting than him. Kim had made it all about them meeting and never really mentioned that it was more about him meeting her mother. She knew how he struggled with parental relationships, they weren't easy for him and he had never hid that from her. The bitterness of his parents divorce and the subsequent decade long battles had worn him down. She knew all this but didn't seem to factor it in. Perhaps if she had called him on his bullshit things would have been different. But then again perhaps she was just looking for a way out so that she could start fucking her partner.

He hated himself for being weak.

And he was weak because he still loved her.