A/N: Obviously, everything belongs to Disney. Sadly, some of the war stories they share have actually happened to people I know who work at Disney. Oh, and if your childhood dreams are dashed by reading this, my apologies. Also, apologies for formatting. This was originally written on LJ.
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David Jacobs frowned at himself in the break room mirror. He looked way too young to be twenty-two. He stuck his tongue out at his reflection and wagged it back and forth. He crossed his eyes and started head-banging, keeping his tongue clenched between his teeth.
"Enjoying yourself?" a muffled voice asked.
David turned around to be confronted with Goofy. He sucked his tongue back in and crossed his arms over his chest.
"What are you doing still in costume?" he asked.
"My fucking attendant isn't here yet and I'm fucking burning up," Goofy said in a New York accent that wasn't at all his voice. "Get this thing off of me."
David reached up and pried off the large head gingerly as to not damage it. A boy with shaggy dark blonde hair shook his sweaty locks free and took a deep breath.
"I hate this job," he complained as David set to work helping him remove the rest of the costume. "This fucking dad today. He starts giving me a hard time because, apparently, Goofy doesn't have anyone to have cartoon nookie with. How gross is that? Of course, he had a half-naked Jessica Rabbit on his gaudy Hawaiian shirt. I wanted to punch him so badly. But these gloves don't make fists."
David shook his head as he got the rest of the Goofy costume off of his best friend, roommate and occasional boyfriend. "Be glad you're in a costume, Jack. You wouldn't last a day in attractions. Being face to face with people."
Jack grabbed a bottle of Evian that may or may not have been his. "What happened today?"
"Some idiot tourists came in and asked me if we had food," he rolled his eyes. "Food, Jack. At GMR. I told them, no, it wasn't a Chinese restaurant. As if Dorothy's shoes in the waiting area weren't enough of a clue. So they complain to my supervisor but not that I was sniping at them. Oh, no. They complained that I didn't give them food."
Jack laughed and knocked back about half the bottle of water before his attendant came in and whisked the costume away without a word to either of the boys.
"Bully for you," he remarked. "Although sometimes I really hate the Dads. They are such DKiAs..."
David nodded. He had his fair share of Disney Know it All dads at the Great Movie Ride, complaining to their children that the REAL Chinese theater wasn't in Florida. Assholes. After college, coming to Florida to work at Disney seemed like the logical progression. After being baked throughout college, David's friends had readily agreed to his decree. Now he was using his Ivy League education to get accosted by a mobster in a theme park. He already pined for the dank, Manhattan winters in his chilly apartment. Even his parents in the picture wasn't too bad a thought. Not surprisingly, they hadn't handled his coming out well.
"Ugh!" a girl in light blue pajama pants, pink Kangaroos and a blue Tinkerbell tank top stomped into the break room. "I hate breakfasts and day parade. And what am I stuck doing? Breakfasts and day parade."
"Hello to you too, Sarah," Jack smirked.
She gave Jack a 'don't mess with me' look. David shook his head.
"What happened?" he asked his sister.
Sarah unwound her sweaty hair from its bun and did her best to fluff it up.
"I was Minnie this morning, right?" she ranted to her reflection. "And I was jokingly flirting with a dad and his wife was like 'hey, what would Mickey say?' and I was like pointing to the proverbial ring finger and laughing and shrugging and all that and she's like 'Oh, so you're living in sin.' And I'm just like 'what the hell?' mentally and walk off. And in parade today, I was Robin Hood and I got my tail caught around one of the stupid brooms that was way, WAY off cue."
"Sorry about that," a guy muttered, walking to the bathroom.
"At least you don't work in pedo paradise," a new voice remarked darkly.
Two boys in matching yellow button-ups stalking in angrily.
"Mush, Blink," Jack greeted them happily from his bottle of water.
"That's mine," Mush said flatly, pointing to the bottle of water.
"Consider it a sacrifice to the Disney gods," Jack drained it.
Mush cast him a filthy look and set to taking off his uniform. He and Blink worked at the Honey I Shrunk the Kids! playground. Or, HISK, as it was commonly known around cast members and the families of.
"Speaking of pedophiles, guess who I was today," Specs, another one of their friends from New York, muttered, stepping into the break room. "My Pinocchio went missing so I was stuck as a Gepedofile today."
Gepedofile was the nickname cast members had given anyone who "was good friends with" Geppetto who was lacking a Pinocchio. Specs had apparently had that misfortune today. And he was rubbing his eyes horribly because he had to wear contacts with his costume.
"That's nothing," Skittery stormed in, already out of his costume. "Try having people tell you to sit and dance around all day. Actually, I kind of enjoyed it."
Specs hit his boyfriend playfully. "You would."
Bumlets, their final cast member friend, stepped from the bathroom, looking pissed.
"At least you all don't have to talk," he snapped. "They made me sing the beginning song from Aladdin today. Sing. I barely remembered all the words. And I have it stuck in my head now."
He frowned and slumped on the ground. "I dislike being a face character greatly. Everyone's all over you..."
"Thems the breaks," Jack said. "You just happen to bear an uncanny resemblance to our Genie-blessed friend."
Bumlets gave him a very un-Aladdin like hand gesture.
"Do shut up," he said in a polished, British accent.
Jack decided at that moment to return it and then switch to the British, two-fingered salute.
"Hey!" he exclaimed, switching between the two. "I'm bilingual!"
David shook his head, wondering time and time again what possessed him to hop into bed with Jack on regular intervals. He stared at his abs through his soaked wife beater. Oh yeah.
"At least we have tonight off," Mush said, ever the optimist.
"Definitely!" Blink agreed. "That never happens. Let's get wasted!"
Sarah pressed her hands against her cheeks. "What would Mickey say?"
"You're living in sin anyway," David remarked. "Might as well get your fill."
"Do you have any Chinese food?" Jack draped an arm around his shoulders.
"Fuck up," David shoved him. "Now let's go. I'm bored."
"To get wasted!" Blink crowed.
"Aye aye!" Skittery and Specs yelled in unison.
"Vivamos el inebriation!" Bumlets added in Spanglish.
David shook his head as he and his sweaty friends prepared for their night of predictable debauchery. Oh, what would Walt think?
