Rabid Legolas Fan Bashing Poem
Today's story, my chickadees, revolves around an Elf
Of Mirkwood down in Middle-Earth- yep, Legolas himself.
Now he's all right as immortals go, you know, white skin, fair hair-
The only trouble is he's got a fanclub everywhere!
I swear, if Earth was doomed today and we had to live on Mars
We'd find some Legolas-lovers hanging round in Martian bars-
Or worse, as far as I'm concerned, creating Mary-Sues
And posting them on fanfic sites which stalker-types abuse.
If we could have our way, they write, our ultimate fantasy,
It'd be to get him bedded down with us- and then they'd see,
Those teachers who accused us of drawing rude stuff on our books
When we were only seeing how Legolas naked would look,
The kids in all the schools who called us weird, perverted freaks,
So what if we wear capes to school or try and learn Elf-Speak? -
They'd pay if we had Legolas as ours and in our thrall,
And he'd kill them and then they'd see we're not weird after all!'
So Legolas is quite good-looking; but does he deserve the trauma
Of thousands of teenage girls wanting him to be their baby's father?
I personally don't think it's fair to put him under the strain
Of being the Next New Sex Symbol, which will only earn him the bane
Of Hartnett, Marco, Pitt and Cruise- and stealing their spots
On late-night chat shows (Jaw Leno for one) in prime time TV slots,
Will earn him at least five stalkers and a million teenage girls
Who shower him with undies and send letters from round the world
Demanding that he marry them or at least send a reply,
And when they just don't get one they either kill themselves or cry-
I dare say these poor females exist everywhere on Earth
And probably, if there's life out there, all over the Universe.
You can recognise them on the street, the obsessive ones that is-
They're wearing capes and have signs saying, 'Middle-Earth Exists!'
Now you think to yourself, What crap! That's definitely not me!
How many times have you read Lord of the Rings now? 43?
And do you wake up from dreams involving Legolas and you
Breathing so hard you hyperventilate and vomit on your shoes?
Do you, perhaps, doodle his name or have a poster in your locker
Decorated with little hearts and post its saying-' 'Meant For Each Other!'
Do you rate guys' cuteness factor by the length of their blonde hair
Or perhaps by how much time they spend in their arrows' tender care?
If any of the above is positive, you're longing for an Elvin kiss-
And all I can say is thank the Lord that Legolas doesn't exist.
Today's story, my chickadees, revolves around an Elf
Of Mirkwood down in Middle-Earth- yep, Legolas himself.
Now he's all right as immortals go, you know, white skin, fair hair-
The only trouble is he's got a fanclub everywhere!
I swear, if Earth was doomed today and we had to live on Mars
We'd find some Legolas-lovers hanging round in Martian bars-
Or worse, as far as I'm concerned, creating Mary-Sues
And posting them on fanfic sites which stalker-types abuse.
If we could have our way, they write, our ultimate fantasy,
It'd be to get him bedded down with us- and then they'd see,
Those teachers who accused us of drawing rude stuff on our books
When we were only seeing how Legolas naked would look,
The kids in all the schools who called us weird, perverted freaks,
So what if we wear capes to school or try and learn Elf-Speak? -
They'd pay if we had Legolas as ours and in our thrall,
And he'd kill them and then they'd see we're not weird after all!'
So Legolas is quite good-looking; but does he deserve the trauma
Of thousands of teenage girls wanting him to be their baby's father?
I personally don't think it's fair to put him under the strain
Of being the Next New Sex Symbol, which will only earn him the bane
Of Hartnett, Marco, Pitt and Cruise- and stealing their spots
On late-night chat shows (Jaw Leno for one) in prime time TV slots,
Will earn him at least five stalkers and a million teenage girls
Who shower him with undies and send letters from round the world
Demanding that he marry them or at least send a reply,
And when they just don't get one they either kill themselves or cry-
I dare say these poor females exist everywhere on Earth
And probably, if there's life out there, all over the Universe.
You can recognise them on the street, the obsessive ones that is-
They're wearing capes and have signs saying, 'Middle-Earth Exists!'
Now you think to yourself, What crap! That's definitely not me!
How many times have you read Lord of the Rings now? 43?
And do you wake up from dreams involving Legolas and you
Breathing so hard you hyperventilate and vomit on your shoes?
Do you, perhaps, doodle his name or have a poster in your locker
Decorated with little hearts and post its saying-' 'Meant For Each Other!'
Do you rate guys' cuteness factor by the length of their blonde hair
Or perhaps by how much time they spend in their arrows' tender care?
If any of the above is positive, you're longing for an Elvin kiss-
And all I can say is thank the Lord that Legolas doesn't exist.
