I walked along the quiet empty streets of Toronto. I was just so sick of everything, bullies, threats, teachers, parents, all of it. Memories of being pushed into lockers and stolen car ornaments flashed through my head. The bullies didn't know the effect of their acts, what it did to my life, my sanity. The teachers yelled at me all the time, 'Even they hated me,' were my bitter thoughts. I had no desire to do any work except in writing class. That was one of the reasons why I hated school. I didn't have anyone besides my best friend Adam to stick by me. 'I doubt anyone else would even care if I died.' I thought. My parents were critical of me, wanting for me to be 'the smart person I am'. Okay so I wasn't trying in school what was the point? Thoughts continued to run rabid through my mind. I thought soon of death, my thoughts easily drifting to it.
In a split second it could all be over all the pain and suffering of ones life, gone in an instant. Maybe it would be like sleep, the nothingness of numb, blissful sleep. There was no way to describe what sleep felt like all I knew was sleep was the only time I felt truly peaceful. I started to remember when life was so simple, and the whole world was three different backyards. Clare and Adam were my best friends. Adam still is my best friend but Clare grew apart from us. God I miss her, so much. I had seen her around a bit more the past few months but it was never for a long period of time. What I would do to be a child again, to play cops and robbers and think making mud pies was the most fun you could have. And to think how, all too soon, we wanted to be grown ups, to be like Darcy and Drew and all the older kids. Maybe in death I could relive my memories, the good ones. I could be with Clare again and nothing else would matter, not the pressure of bullies or schoolwork to haunt me.
I continued walking the streets thinking how death could sound better and better by the very second. It sounded so great, sometimes there were no other real options. I could end up Homeless on the streets I walked now. I could be living in my parents' basement. That was no way to live life. I refuse to pity myself though there is no use for sadness or pity, maybe just anger. I didn't have any reasons for pity just yet though. As I walked I hear someone call out my name.
"Elijah Goldsworthy?" the sound of a soft, tender voice questions in my ear. I turn around to it and see Clare, my Clare from so many years ago. It startles me. She looks so beautiful out here, in the glow of street lamps and the moon.
"Clare? You scared me." I say.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to. Um… what are- I mean- um, are you looking for something?" She stuttered nervously. Every time I'd seen her our last few random encounters she was like this with me, flustered and timid and I didn't understand why. She had always been a somewhat shy person, but I couldn't remember her being that way with me before. Her question hits a bit of a nerve. What am I looking for out here? Most people don't walk around after midnight without reason. "I don't know." I tell her, and it's the truth.
"Then why bother looking, Eli?" she tells me with a slight chuckle. And I begin to wonder why she is out here in the first place. It is late at night after all, and this didn't seem like rational behavior for her, the good Christian girl, Saint Clare. Yeah that's what they call her. In a way she is a bit of a saint, though most people call her that because they think she's a prude which I don't believe is true. 'Why is she out here?' my mind probes the question again. "Clare, why are you out now? At night? And alone at any rate?" I question her, wanting to know her motives.
"Um, well, I'm on my way home now, why don't you walk me?" Clare answers somewhat hurriedly. I can tell she is hiding something, she was never a good liar. My curiosity is nagging at me. "What's going on Clare?" I can't help but ask her.
"Nothing, Eli, not- Hey, do you remember when we used to play cops and robbers?" She asked out of nowhere and laughed. "You could never decide which you liked best to play as. Adam would come over too and both of you would fight about who got to partner with me." Memories of countless times that very thing happened surfaced to the front of my mind and I laughed for the first time in a long time.
"Yeah, I remember that Clare-bear, sometimes you would get so mad that we wouldn't even play, just skip to making mud pies and drinking lemonade with our silly straws." Right then I felt like we were best friends again, reminiscing on great times we had. It was awesome, it felt more blissful then sleep and greater then getting an A on an exam I didn't study for.
"Or drag Darcy and Drew into playing with us." She said. "Darcy used to hate that. We would always, somehow, get dirt on her clothes and she would freak out. You, Adam, and I never minded the dirt, we embraced it. How many days did we spend out their? Your house, mine, Adam's? My mom always did enjoy Mrs. Torres' company and she adored you and your mother, Eli. God I wish we could do that again. Why did we stop?" She asked a pleading tone in her voice. I always hated to see Clare upset. But how could I deny the cold hard truth of the matter?
"We grew up Blue Eyes. Our interests changed as well as our friends, for you at least. You know I don't hang out with anyone but Adam. Adam doesn't have many friends because of him being transgender. I don't have anyone because I'm an outcast, a freak, the 'emo' boy, but you Clare, God, you are beautiful, sweet, and kind, caring, and just too many adjectives then I can bother with naming. You're perfect, with a fairytale life. That's why it stopped, Clare, you branched out and found new friends. Darcy went to Kenya and Drew's on the football team, we all changed." I know it was harsh, but it was true. I was bitter about it all, she got the perfect life and I'm walking around the streets looking for a reason to not kill myself. Her eyes glazed over with tears and her face contorted into an expression of pain.
"Eli, none of that is true!" Clare exclaimed. The hurt was so obvious in her voice I had to look away. "Eli, look at me. You are not a freak, an outcast, or 'emo'. You are one of the coolest, nicest people I have ever met. And me, my life is far from any perfect fairytale, believe me. You're right though we did grow up but we never needed to grow apart. I want so much to be friends again, maybe something more this time more, ever since I saw you in our writing class something changed, clicked in my mind. It was stupid of me to just forget about you, and Adam too." I couldn't believe what I was hearing she wanted to be friends again. Did she never intended to drop me like last seasons shoes?
"Are you saying you like me?" Ugh, what did I just say? Word vomit is the absolute worst, just popping out of your mouth. I saw a smile grace her soft lips at my words. "Of course that would be the only part you head." She chuckled. "Eli you know we've always… well we always acted in like. From when we were five till we were thirteen, always flirting and playing around, even unintentionally we did it. I feel so guilty forgetting everything we ever did together, but things just started changing so fast and so did I in the midst of it all. I'm really sorry."
Just like that everything seemed to change perspective in my mind. I stopped thinking of the depressing past and I started forming pictures of the future, one with Clare. We were seventeen now after all junior year and there was so much hope for bright futures with graduation rapidly approaching. Clare was going to be headed to one of the best colleges surely. What did I have to hope for besides community college? My grades had been getting a bit better lately and maybe they could become even better. Her presence was changing my life and one conversation with her had just changed my mind set so utterly completely.
"Clare?" I asked tentatively.
"Yes?" Was her eager reply.
"Is it alright if I walk you home now? I mean only if you want me too."
"I'd love for you to walk me home Eli." Clare said. Her curly cinnamon hair bouncing as we began to walk together. Sometime during the walk our hands had managed to grab one another's and our fingers interlocked. It felt like I was thirteen again, butterflies filled my stomach, there was a lump in my throat, and my palms felt sweaty, but I liked it. Far too soon we reached her house.
"Thank you so much Eli." Clare gushed as we stepped onto her porch.
"No problem, Blue Eyes. I'd never leave you to walk home with out the proper gentlemanly escort." I said smirking at her and when I did, her eyes lit up like she had found her lost puppy. "Gosh I've missed you Eli." She said letting go of my hand and wrapping hers around my neck.
"I've missed you too Clare." I said wrapping my arms around her waist. This feels so right, so natural, everything in my mind felt like it had organized it's self. God it felt like we held onto each other forever, but all good things come to an end as did that. She pulled away far too soon. An eternity wouldn't have been enough time in her embrace. "Thanks again." She said, as her cheeks blushed a light pink. "Why don't you come over tomorrow? It would mean a whole lot to me if you did. We could catch up, and maybe watch a movie or something."
"Sure, that'd be cool. Why don't we meet up at The Dot at noon tomorrow for a little coffee first? Then we can come here."
"Alright I'll meet you at The Dot at twelve then. See you tomorrow." Clare said and gently kissed my cheek and walked into her house. Tomorrow, The Dot, noon.
I couldn't believe it she would finally be back in my life. The Coppers would be back to stop Adam from stealing all the silly straws in town. Or Eli Edwards and Clare Goldsworthy would nab all of the Lemonades from the refrigerator for themselves and their best friend to enjoy. Yes everything would get better from now on. Bullies would start leaving me alone, I would start doing better at school. Then maybe my parents will be full of pride and have to spend a load of money for college. New doors will open for me, and Clare could be there with me.
In one night Clare Edwards had changed my life. She had managed to turn a pessimist into an optimist. Completely flip flop my very being. She had given me hope and taken away my doubts. So I walked the streets of Toronto back to my house where I decided I would turn my life around because, Clare had saved mine.
