Steven was having another dream, everything was all blue and spinning around really fast. He woke up with a start and screamed "Gotta go fast!"
"What's wrong Steven?" Pearl asked him.
"Pearl get the fuck out of my room you pedophile, get out of here," Steven glared at Pearl as she left while scratching at an uncomfortable sensation in his ass. He reached up inside himself and pulled out his Sonic action figure. He frowned. "Not again." He glanced over at the clock; it read 1:34.
Steven heard a horrible grating noise from downstairs: "Garnet why are you up doing this again?!"
"Why are you a pedophile," Garnet replied deadpan. Steven heard a strange muffled snorting sound from his bed.
"Garnet, you are a terrible influence, I mean look what happened to Greg," Pearl chastised her black teammate. Steven wasn't gonna sit there and let them talk shit about his daddy, so he jumped from his bed and ran downstairs.
When he got there he saw something weird. Garnet was sitting on the couch, with several white lines of powder lying before her on the table. Pearl reacted with horror to Steven's presence and ran over to him to try to shoo him back upstairs.
"Pearl, Steven's like eleven now, I don't think I need to hide this from him," Garnet said slowly, before leaning over and snorting one of the lines of powder with a straw.
"Yeah, fuck you Pearl, you always be talking shit anyway," Steven walked past Pearl. "So Garnet what is that stuff anyway?"
"Listen Steven," Garnet patted on the couch next to her so Steven would sit there. "As you may remember if you don't have ADD, we have all been alive for thousands and thousands of years, and trapped on this planet for many of them. This planet is fucking retarded, humans are gonna kill themselves regardless of rather or not the Homeworld gets past us, and they don't even deserve our effort. Basically, your mom was a horny retard who wanted to stay here for human penis, Pearl stayed here to try to hide inside your mother's vagina for the rest of time, Amethyst likes booze too much. We all got dragged into it and now it sucks so yeah I'm gonna snort some cocaine."
"Cocaine?" Steven had overheard the Pizzas talking about it in hushed tones while waiting for his pizza before. It sounded very secret and fun.
"Steven, this world is a lot dirtier than your mother would have liked us all to believe. Not just drugs, but also sex, which includes the gays, and also 9/11," Garnet explained before railing another line.
Steven understood now. "So what you're saying is, hit it and quit it?"
Garnet smiled. "Exactly. Well I mean, I'm pretty sure your spit could get someone pregnant, so remember to cover your dick in your bubble before you stick it in Connie, she probably has STD's too."
Pearl grimaced in the corner, unable to come to grips with the idea of sexuality even though her entire life revolved around her wet dreams about Rose Quartz's huge titties. "Don't you think this is something his father should be telling him about, Garnet?"
"Maybe," Garnet replied apathetically. "I mean his dad's kind of homeless, we have each been more of a parent to him than Greg."
"Hey, don't be mean to my dad," Steven said defensively. He reflected on the fact that the temple was so impossibly large and yet they couldn't sacrifice a few square feet for his own father to live. He shook it off.
"Yeah, honestly, your dad got an alien pregnant which shouldn't even be possible so I guess you should ask him," Garnet said reasonably.
Steven decided he would go ask his dad about penises and vaginas but it was still the middle of the night so he went back to sleep. He tried to dream about Connie's supple brown pussy, but he had never seen a vagina before so it was hard to picture. Then suddenly a Centipeetle emerged from Connie's smooth groin, feasting on her flesh.
Steven awoke with a start again, but now it was light outside. He rubbed his eyes and frowned about his dream, What could it mean?
He went downstairs and saw Pearl standing near the warp anxiously while Garnet sat calmly nearby.
"Amethyst is late for our mission," Pearl related to Steven hysterically. "I haven't seen her since yesterday morning."
Good morning to you too, bitch, Steven thought.
Pearl paced around neurotically. "We have to go find her," she urged Garnet.
"She'll be fine," Garnet rebuked.
Steven admired how Garnet was able to stay calm in times like this. "Hey Garnet, is cocaine your secret to always being so calm?"
Garnet turned to him, her shades gleaming in the light. "Yes."
Steven left and started toward his father's car wash. He strolled down the boardwalk, where he saw Onion licking at an ice cream cone.
"Hey Onion," Steven said amicably. "What are you up to?"
Onion looked at him blankly, then pointed in one direction down the boardwalk.
"Cool, I'm heading that way too," Steven replied. He always liked hanging out with Onion, he was a good listener. As they walked down the boardwalk together he thought about whether or not Onion knew about sex and drugs, after all he wasn't sure if Onion was younger than him because he never talked.
"Hey Onion, do you know what a vagina is?"
Onion stopped, and blinked at Steven. He held two fingers to his lips and stuck out his tongue between them.
Steven was confused. "Uh, ok."
Onion made a wordless turn away from him soon after, but he was almost at his dad's car wash anyway so he didn't really care. He arrived at the van outside in which his dad slept and knocked on the window. "Dad? You there?"
He guessed his dad may have still been asleep, Steven knew he often liked to sleep in. He turned away and was about to walk to the Big Donut because he was hungry, but just before he was out of earshot he heard a strange, muffled sound from inside the van - kind of a giggle. Steven turned back around in confusion; his dad didn't sound like that.
"Dad, are you okay?" Steven knocked on the window again. He went around to the back and opened the trunk door, expecting to see his father mumbling to himself in his sleep. But what he saw was not that.
Instead he saw his father's butthole; he was leaned over one of his amps and there was a large purple something vibrating in his butt. "Uh, Dad, what's going on?"
Greg turned around, mortified. The strange purple object slid out of his anus and fell on the ground, where it glowed and made a popping sound. A moment later Amethyst was sitting on the van floor in front of Steven. Her hair and skin was covered in poop stains.
"Oh hey Steven," Amethyst feigned nonchalance. "We were just having a little poopy party!"
