I cannot regret my decision. It was not made blindly. The night before Raoul's plan was to unfold was a restless one for me. I was tortured and overwhelmed by my guilt, confusion, fear, and anxiety. Somehow I sensed that I would be put in a position that would force me to make a critical choice. I pondered it up until that crucial moment when he demanded an answer from me. Even as I acted I had still not decided to whom my heart belonged.
I truly loved Raoul. It was not an immature lust, as Erik wanted to believe. Raoul offered me freedom and protection, which is what I longed for the most. Raoul promised me a world of never ending daylight, while Erik was enveloped in darkness. It is true that under his persuasion I yearned to succumb to the pleasures of the night, but it was the night that blinded me. Erik had the ability to control me with his soothing tone and gentleness. However, it did not take me long to uncover the wrathful creature that lurked underneath the tender façade. Erik was exposed to me as a troubled soul. He was a poor man that had never learned love.
I could not be the one to teach him how to love. I was a young, timid child that was just beginning to learn love myself. Who was I to introduce him to the joys of the flesh? I was naïve, and Erik was bold and valiant. After he brought me down for the first time to his world, I became afraid to again travel to his personal hell. A child full of dreams like myself should not be exposed to a nightmare as intense as Erik's. I do not mean to speak harshly of him, but the environment he existed in was a cruel one. How could I stay with him in his dismal home forever? I wish bringing him to my radiant world was a possibility, but the truth was that he could never be accepted. There simply was not a place for us. He deserved someone stronger and braver than I. He needed someone willing to give herself over to the darkness for him. I could not bear to leave my surroundings.
My intention was never to hurt Erik, although I knew that he would be wounded by the outcome. His love for me drove him mad. I only saw the wicked, wrathful man that he was internally. His deformity alone did not affect the way I viewed him. When he yelled at me to make my choice, I not only saw his anger, but his weakness as well. The kiss was my attempt to unleash his weakness and show him that it is all right to have one. I wanted him to feel human. When I succeeded he realized how wrong his actions were and released Raoul. Erik forced me to leave with him, so in a way it was his choice as well. I left him the ring to remember me by. As he said the three most sorrowful words I ever heard, the look in my eyes told him that I loved him as well. I made him feel human.
As Raoul and I left in the boat, my heart was breaking. I thought of the happy days we would spend together, and I forced myself to put my feelings for Erik aside. With every experience comes disappointment. The truth is that it just was not possible to have a relationship with him. He is a fallen angel, and I am a child of the light. I do wish that I could have shown him all of the dimensions of love, for he deserved it. I cannot deny that I loved him, but I loved Raoul as well. However, my love for them was very different. I loved Raoul with all of my heart, but I loved Erik with all of my soul.
