I don't own the shows/characters

I don't own the shows/characters.

The song is Shadows by Rufus Wainwright.

Who will keep

Keep me in this evening

Even though

They are not here with me

            I watched them leave one by one, sometimes in small groups.  A few said goodbye and gave me another hug.  But must tried to slip away too tired to keep on being supportive.  I was glad they decided to take the sneaky approach; I didn't want to hear it again.  The oh it will be better!  Keep your chin up. I never knew the same statement could be said so many different ways.  It had lost it's meaning for me.  Because the people saying it sounded like Hallmark cards, all nice and neat, so fake.  They didn't understand.  And wanted them out.

I could be a great star

Still I'm far from happy

            Jack has fallen asleep on the loveseat, still in his Sunday best.  My little prince.  My parents had wanted to take him and Fiona for a few days give them a new scene.  A break from the unexpected horror.  I needed them more though.  Just for this purpose of watching them sleep.  I know that their ok.  They will make me better; I shall over come the pain for them.  I want to bright guiding source of strength to let them know it's ok.  Just when that will happen I don't know.

Finally

Feel the world around me

Fighting through

Fighting through the whiskey

            The last guest my sister has left, finally.  I carry Jack upstairs to my room.  I wanted him to sleep with me.  Just incase he awoke crying from a dream, or if I was the one to awake.  I feel tired but have no desire to sleep.  I'm scared to.  Because I'll see his face.  Hear our last words, watch the fight.  And know I can't change the outcome.  I retreat downstairs and pull out a bottle in the locked cabinet.  I'll forget for a while at least.

I could be a great star

Still I'm far from happy

            A widow.  I was a widow.  That's a term for people in their seventies who raised children and even grandkids.  I was too young to be a widow.  My kids could barely see above the counter shelf.  All of this so not fair!  I quickly pour another glass and drown it right down.  How dare he do this to me!  It wasn't his fault, it was no ones.  But I didn't care about that.  I was too angry to think happily like those Hallmark card quotes told me to.

Out of these shadows

Comes the light

Shadows comes the light

            I hear crying.  Fiona is awake.  I arrive at her door and rush inside.  She holds her arms out for me to hold her.  I do.  I hold her so tight, attempting to squeeze all of her pain away.  I can't though.  I hope she realizes this.  And I think she does because she tells me be happy.  My little miracle angel always there when I need her.

You will keep

Keep me in this evening

Even though

You are not here with me

            Soon she has fallen back to sleep.  I continue holding her, my tears still falling.  She was our child but had all of her father's qualities.  Holding her I felt as if in away I was holding him.  How could I ever let go?  Eventually I will and might not be able to grab a hold again.  No.  I'm not ready for that.  I have to embrace his memory.

I could be a great star

Still I'm far from happy

I could be a great star

I could be a great star

I could be a great star

I could be a great star

            Jack appears in the doorway, his eyes wide with hurt.  A quiet nightmare had taken a hold of my baby.  Like Fi had with me I reach my arms out to him.  He climbs into them and starts his tears.  I tell him it's ok while trying not to disturb her, but knowing she could easily fall back to sleep.  They did need me.  We would always be a family even if the numbers of the party changed.  They were my shining stars.  I wanted to be the same for them.

Out of these shadows

Comes the light

Out of these shadows

Comes the light

Shadows comes the light

            Finally he falls into silence and his breathing because light and relaxed.  I carefully wiggle around to get into a better position on the tiny bed and close my eyes.  His face is there to meet me.  I open them up and stare at the wall instead.  I can't watch.  Not again.  But I'm so tired.  Sighing softly I close them again and see him.  But he looks different; a feeling of calmness over comes me.  He smiles at me while kissing the wind and disappears.  I wasn't upset or wanting to scream come back.  He was all ready here resting in both my arms.