I don't own the shows/characters.
The song is Shadows by Rufus Wainwright.
Who will keep
Keep me in this evening
Even though
They are not here with me
I
watched them leave one by one, sometimes in small groups. A few said goodbye and gave me another
hug. But must tried to slip away too
tired to keep on being supportive. I was
glad they decided to take the sneaky approach; I didn't want to hear it
again. The oh it will be better! Keep your chin up. I never knew the same
statement could be said so many different ways. It had lost it's meaning for me.
Because the people saying it sounded like Hallmark cards, all nice and
neat, so fake. They didn't
understand. And wanted them out.
I could be a great star
Still I'm far from happy
Jack has
fallen asleep on the loveseat, still in his Sunday best. My little prince. My parents had wanted to take him and Fiona for a few days give
them a new scene. A break from the
unexpected horror. I needed them more
though. Just for this purpose of
watching them sleep. I know that their
ok. They will make me better; I shall
over come the pain for them. I want to
bright guiding source of strength to let them know it's ok. Just when that will happen I don't know.
Finally
Feel the world around me
Fighting through
Fighting through the whiskey
The last
guest my sister has left, finally. I
carry Jack upstairs to my room. I
wanted him to sleep with me. Just
incase he awoke crying from a dream, or if I was the one to awake. I feel tired but have no desire to
sleep. I'm scared to. Because I'll see his face. Hear our last words, watch the fight. And know I can't change the outcome. I retreat downstairs and pull out a bottle
in the locked cabinet. I'll forget for
a while at least.
I could be a great star
Still I'm far from happy
A
widow. I was a widow. That's a term for people in their seventies
who raised children and even grandkids.
I was too young to be a widow.
My kids could barely see above the counter shelf. All of this so not fair! I quickly pour another glass and drown it
right down. How dare he do this to
me! It wasn't his fault, it was no
ones. But I didn't care about
that. I was too angry to think happily
like those Hallmark card quotes told me to.
Out of these shadows
Comes the light
Shadows comes the light
I hear
crying. Fiona is awake. I arrive at her door and rush inside. She holds her arms out for me to hold
her. I do. I hold her so tight, attempting to squeeze all of her pain away. I can't though. I hope she realizes this.
And I think she does because she tells me be happy. My little miracle angel always there when I
need her.
You will keep
Keep me in this evening
Even though
You are not here with me
Soon she
has fallen back to sleep. I continue
holding her, my tears still falling.
She was our child but had all of her father's qualities. Holding her I felt as if in away I was
holding him. How could I ever let
go? Eventually I will and might not be
able to grab a hold again. No. I'm not ready for that. I have to embrace his memory.
I could be a great star
Still I'm far from happy
I could be a great star
I could be a great star
I could be a great star
I could be a great star
Jack
appears in the doorway, his eyes wide with hurt. A quiet nightmare had taken a hold of my baby. Like Fi had with me I reach my arms out to
him. He climbs into them and starts his
tears. I tell him it's ok while trying
not to disturb her, but knowing she could easily fall back to sleep. They did need me. We would always be a family even if the numbers of the party
changed. They were my shining
stars. I wanted to be the same for
them.
Out of these shadows
Comes the light
Out of these shadows
Comes the light
Shadows comes the light
Finally
he falls into silence and his breathing because light and relaxed. I carefully wiggle around to get into a
better position on the tiny bed and close my eyes. His face is there to meet me.
I open them up and stare at the wall instead. I can't watch. Not
again. But I'm so tired. Sighing softly I close them again and see
him. But he looks different; a feeling
of calmness over comes me. He smiles at
me while kissing the wind and disappears.
I wasn't upset or wanting to scream come back. He was all ready here resting in both my arms.